I am trying to get myself on a routine schedule since I will be off for about six days.  Slept away most of today, but went to bed anyway at a somewhat reasonable hour.  Now, I am awake but probably not fully.....just needed to get to the computer before it fades away completely.

I woke up not because of anything else but feeling that "mom anxiety" when trying to reconcile with Mark over something he insists on doing, even though I may feel it is not in his best interest.  Was thinking upon awakening "He must me crazy.  Doesn't he know this isn't remotely reasonable?  I just know that this is going to end up costing me money to bail him out and he doesn't even seem concerned."

Then, it hit me.  Mark has died.  For a very real couple of minutes, that concept wasn't even in the picture.

I finally had another dream.  It has been months. 

For some reason I was driving around looking for him.  I rounded a hairpin turn on an open road...all fields.  At this hairpin turn were several young men.  Sitting, leaning against a backpack, was Mark.

I saw him, stopped and said that I had been looking for him.  He told me he had been on his way, but was going to leave again.  When I asked him where he had been...he told me that he had been on an adventure....going through the jungles and the coastal areas of what I think was Costa Rica or Mexico.  He was dressed in shorts, a tshirt, and had a full head of hair.

He was taller, stronger, tanned and looked wonderful.

He said he had "hooked up" with some friends of Aaron Poe's and they had been on this excursion for awhile and had invited him along.  He was going back.  It was fantastic.

When I asked him why he didn't call me and let me know where he was....he told me he hadn't had a cell phone in a long time.  "Besides, you know how bad the phone bill was when I called you from Cancun when I was there."  It was....an enormous phone bill.  Something like $250 in long distance.  He had kept calling me trying to set up a time that Juliet could come over and receive a collect call from her...then, calling me back to find out if she was coming....a mom just doesn't refuse a collect call from their teenager in Cancun.  I was so mad at him when the phone bill had come showing all those calls.

So, his response to not calling made sense.  At no point during this dream did it ever come in to play that he had died.  Every other dream...I knew during the dream that he had died.  Not this one.

I tried to reason with him, telling him that this wasn't a good idea.  He needed to come back home, go back to work or go to school.  He told me he was fine, and that I should talk to Patti O'Toole...my friend from work.   Mark always liked Patti a lot and apparently still does.

"Talk to Patti O'Toole.  She will set you straight and tell you this will be fine."  He told me he didn't need anything, any money, nothing.   And....of he went.

I woke up, just feeling so frustrated with him.  Then it hit me....he had died.  And for now, during his eternity, he was spending time with some people who knew 'Aaron Poe and they were hiking through the jungles and enjoying the beautiful beaches.  No threats, no stresses, just a good adventure.

I did call Patti....and exactly as Mark had said.....her comment was "I would be all over it."

I hope he doesn't stay in the jungles long, I hope he comes back to my dreams very soon.  The stresses I was feeling before I slept seem to have gone away. 

Mark is on an adventure, and that is what I am going to try and concentrate on over the next couple of days.

Two years ago, at this moment, I was making a phone call.  A phone call that all of us knew would be made eventually, and yet one that none of us ever wanted.  A dreaded phone call.  Dreaded news.  Yet in this same phone call, all of our fears, all of our anxieties, were finally dissolved.

It was the phone call to John....and also the hardest one I ever made to Don....that Mark had something, at this late point in the evening to tell them.  He wanted his Dad, he wanted his brother, and whatever had to be done to get his sister-in-law to the hospital...he wanted her as well.

"I am done..no more scans, no more chemo.  Someone maybe can beat this cancer, but it isn't me."

He waited all day to tell us.  He had visitors, he had a very good visit with his beloved Aunt Debbie.  I toyed with the idea of going home and letting someone else stay with him....but no, "that's not a good idea."  He had been moody all day and at times I felt he was angry at me.  Had I said or done something that made him think "she's such a dork."  He spent a great deal of the afternoon with his Grandma...who in his eyes was nothing short of a saint.  He waited until everyone was gone.  He waited until I suggested maybe having Kris Heyde come stay with us that night.  He agreed to everything...yet told me nothing.  Said very little...that is until late in the evening.

"I am done...."

I suppose that I should remember his first words, his first thoughts, his first suggestions at something, his first want.....

But it is his last decision that I go over and over every single day since Mark left us.  And as much as it hurts, and even though I have heard it over and over in my head a million times since then, it still makes my heart stop, still makes me cry.

I knew he was right.  We all knew he was right.  Don, John, Tabby and even Grandma knew all weekend that our time was short with Mark.  How were we ever going to handle telling him what the doctors had been telling us all weekend?  I know for a fact that his doctors, too, were struggling with presenting to Mark the news there was nothing more that could be done.  They elected to wait until the day after Memorial Day...when there would be enough support staff to help him.  The resident in charge of Mark's case, cried when he talked to Don and me in the hall earlier that day.

He never got a chance to be there when the decision was finally made, and for two reasons.  Mark made the decision himself on Memorial Day 2007, in the evening after this resident went home.  The next day, Dr. Tan told me that this particular resident had called in sick.  Maybe he wasn't as strong as Mark was and couldn't face it.  I know, however, that the resident probably has never forgotten Mark.

So, all weekend, I kept the memories, thoughts of this day to myself.  Felt out of sorts, like nothing was right.  A stupid holiday weekend.  I have some things stressing me right now...things everyone is feeling during this bad economy.  No money to get away for a bit.  All I have in the bank is time...downtime...to go over and over that weekend two years ago.

And perhaps, I am the only feeling this way.  I talked to Don...we both have been feeling the same way.  It is the start of the last two weeks.  Everyday there will be something....this is the anniversary of when John rode home with Mark and when Mark walked into the house after thanking the paramedics who brought him home.   The vast amount of visitors that came this day...much to Mark's delight.  Meghan and Racheal bringing all those balloons.  Mike and Debbie coming over and bringing shrimp and Mike sitting at the table crying "Dad would never be able to handle this."  So many memories...all starting with the conversation Mark had with us that night.

I know that others have moved on.  I know that no one outside of the family remembers what day it was Mark decided to do things his way.  It did give me comfort that John told me this afternoon that Tabby had said this was such a hard weekend for us.  She has no idea how that gave Don and me comfort.

No mention. No emails checking on Mark.  I didn't even know what I wanted to write here tonight...but knowing that it was to be something.....this day is important to me.  It is the day my sweet son said "Mom, I am going to see the face of God."  After he cried with his brother, his dad, his sister-in-law, he never cried again.  That in itself should give me peace.....but to be honest...many days, many times, it is just not enough.

I want another conversation with him.

So, this evening, Don fell asleep.  It has been a bad rheumatoid weekend for him.  I watched mindless TV and decided to finally go check out the computer.  There, in my email, was a message from my roommate, my BFF before there ever was such a thing, my sister-in-law and Mark's beloved Aunt Debbie.  A short simple email with funny pictures but a strong message.  "Barb.
Thinking of you today - knowing it was the day Mark made his tough decision..Sending you a hug..

Having others remember when there is so much new, current, living things to focus on...... the importance of this has no words to describe to a still...forever grieving mom.

I took my babies to St. Francis School Picnic Saturday.  Don used to organize and run this picnic and we have such good memories of our days there.  I saw several people I knew....but interestingly enough, people that for me are Mark people.  The first person I saw that I knew was Angie Kopp.  Her Charlie and Mark were on the famous basketball team together.  Whenever I watch tapes of a particular game and Charlie stood his ground, got knocked down, and created an offensive foul for the other team that really turned the game around, I still smile and laugh.  Angie has had a knack for sending me cards, messages during times when I always seem to need a pick me up.  Seeing her there, the first person I spoke to, I know was a Heavenly intervention.  

It really wasn't easy being up at the picnic without remembering Mark and John running around all day.  They were literally there all day long...from 7am until very late at night.  Father Edwin would start slipping them extra ride tickets in the afternoon, when my money an patience had worn out.  It was fun explaining to Tabby what a pull tab was.  It was fun seeing the babies ride the rides.  It was fun trying to coax Michael onto the Scrambler...and finally getting him to ride it with Granny and declaring the most fun ever.

Still, there were ghosts there.  Not just of memories of Mark, but also of a little John DeWalle.  A John who wouldn't ride anything that lifted off the ground.  A John that ran around all day with Jeff Bell and his other friends.  This year, I took pictures of John once again at the SFA picnic...only this time it was of him standing near the Scrambler holding a tiny Joey.

So, I tried to make new memories this weekend.  Tried to replace the ones of two years ago that will haunt me until the day I die.  Tried to force it.  It cannot be done.  New memories, new smiles cannot be forced.  They only, for me, come from little DeWalle boys.....and until this weekend, Memorial Day for me is about little DeWalle boys at SFA picnics, and one that grew up and made a decision that no one else on Earth was strong enough to make.

Nothing can ever make it better.....or so I thought.

Tabby, the other day, was explaining to Michael that he only had two more days left of school...one Tuesday, one Wednesday.  He asked about Monday, and she told him there was no school that day because it was Memorial Day.

"I am going to just love that day," is what Michael responded.   "Why?" said Tabby.

"Because we get to eat Oreos all day!!!"

So this evening, when we went over to John and Tabby's for dinner, we took dessert:  Oreo ice cream and Oreo cookies.

Even though the day has painful, yet spiritual memories for us.  Even though I think that others may not remember the way we do......it was , in fact, an Oreo Day.
 

It has been a weekend of accomplishments for our family.

John completed his first Master's degree.  He got his cap, his gown, and we all looked forward to getting pictures of him in his garb with his family.  John and Tabitha decided last week that the time element involved with a graduation ceremony, and having three young children, might just not meld right.  So, sometime this week, John is going to put on his cap and gown, and we will all take pictures in his backyard. 

Don and I are so proud of John.  I know I have mentioned it numerous times here before, but it all is worth repeating.

Over the past six or seven years, I have always felt that John has been under more stress than anyone has a right to even exaggerate about.   Five years ago he finished college, and was doing what most college graduates do....looking for and hoping for a job.  Then, that fall, the news of his brother's cancer hit him.

When we found out that Mark had cancer, it was John who had to take over for Don and me emotionally.  I remember that John rode home from the doctor's office with Mark, and Don and me went home in another car.

We all went to the doctor together.  John and Don took off work.  As a family, we were going to face whatever was being handed to us together from the beginning.  I remember that I felt going into the office, that people were going to think we were over reacting...that there was nothing wrong.  I don't recall too much of that office visit, only that I didn't handle it very well.  I was upset with the diagnosis, upset that Mark wanted to delay the surgery for two weeks.  He wanted time to talk to his friends.....always his immediate priority after his brother and parents.  Don and I cried all the way home.  When we got into the house, John was sitting alone at the kitchen table.  We asked where Mark was.

"He went to work." was all John said.

We asked John how Mark was doing....(he could see we were a wreck)...and John simply stated

"He's fine.  What is upsetting him is your reaction."

That was the start of the line that John, Don and myself have repeated to each other over the years..."I didn't get the book on how to react when told my son had cancer."

From that day forward, John has been our source of strength, our sounding board, and the person who has supported us emotionally throughtout the past five years.

And during these past five years, John has married, bought a house, adjusted to his career, has become a father to three boys, coached football, renovated his house, and tried to provide for his family in this bad economy on a school teacher's salary.  He works two to three jobs at a time...putting in 10 and 12 hour days teaching then working weekends at times as well.  There are challenges and  adjustment periods for any young father, yet,  also handed to him was the enormous task of learning his only sibling, the person who idolized him more than anyone ever, was dying.  He not only took care of himself....but was there at any time of night or day for his brother.

As the only sibling Mark had....John also took over for Don and me.  I don't know what we would have done...or do....without him.  He guided us through Mark's illness and death.  He has had to make decisions regarding final plans for his brother.....and assist Don and I throughout the journey.

He has had to  learn and adjust to life without having his brother there to share his triumphs.

On top of that, he earned his Masters.

I believe John is planning on continuing his education.  I know, in my heart, that John has experienced more than anyone should have experienced in five years.....most of it good....and certainly some heartaches along the way.

He never complains.  He never asks for more.  He only wants the best for his beautiful Tabby and his boys.

Family comes first...always has...and always will for John.  As Don and I wrote to him in his graduation card from us...he learned that in kindergarten.

I am so honored to be his mother and so humbled by his faith, his love for his family, and his work ethic.  He has accomplished so much.

Then, today, our family celebrated yet another accomplishment.

Mick graduated from law school today.

If there ever was a duo...it was Mick and Mark.  There are so many interwoven stories about the two of them.  They were born three weeks a part.  I like to say that my mom was ok with Mark being a boy.....she already had two, and one more was ok.  She has never said, but I know that in her heart, she was hoping Mike and Debbie's baby would be a girl.  She had to wait through three more grandsons after Mark before she ever started buying things in pink.

We have on video Mick and Mark meeting each other for the first time.  I am not sure if it was Thanksgiving or Christmas of 1982, but Debbie and me waited until my father had the video camera going, then we we both put our beautiful babies face to face in front of the camera.

Mark was his glorious head of black hair, and bald Mick.  At that time, we were calling Mick "Andrew" or even "Andy".  I don't know when Mike and Deb started the Mickey thing.  It is from Mick's middle name, Michael, and is what my dad would lovingly call Mike at times..."Mickelberry".

The relationship between the two remained inseparable.  They played ball together, got in trouble together.  I should at some point, try to record ever story about the two I can come up with.  Some times, I would send Mark to Mike and Debbie's and she would keep him for days at a time...then send Mick back over to me. 

Mick was the first cousin to know that Mark had cancer.  He was also the last to know that Mark made the decision he was "done" and was going home on hospice.   I made that call to Mick, and as I expected, Mick was very emotional and inconsolable.  Mark took the phone from me and said over and over again, "It's ok, Mick, it's all good, man, it's all good."

Mark was so proud of Mick's plan to go to law school.  I am not sure but I think that in the back of his head, he figured that he would need a lawyer some day and who would be better than his cousin and partner in crime.

When I knew that Mick's graduation was coming, it was with some degree of dread for me.  Not that I didn't want this accomplishment for Mick, not that I didn't want to watch my brother and sister in law witness with pride their son graduating from the same law school that Mike went to.....it's just that it wasn't right Mark wasn't here.

I think that is why Easter with the cousins laughing, joking, trying to out do one another bothered me so bad.  Mark was supposed to be there.  Mark was supposed to go out partying with the cousins to celebrate Mick's graduation. 

I realize that there are some occasions that are going to be painful for me.  Occasions that Mark would be so into and so happy about.  The birth of Joey was one of them.  Drew Brockmeyer's wedding, Meghan Hearst's wedding, Scott and Mary Sturdevant's wedding, and of course the birth of Scotty Gartner's baby boy.

I was able to cope better with the birth of the babies.  He knew about Evan...saw his ultrasound picture, even knew the baby's name.  Mark bought Susie and Scott a changing table for their baby.

He didn't know about Joey.....but something tells me that he did before anyone of us knew.  That gives me peace.  I know he is watching over John's babies.

But damn, he wanted to be here for Mick's graduation.

So the selfish side of me came out over the past several weeks.  When I got the invitation for Mick's graduation, I put it away.  I thought about it a lot.  I felt some sort of relief when John's graduation was just a day or two before Mick's.....and we weren't sure exactly what we were going to do for John's graduation.  I didn't know if we planned to have a small family party to celebrate or what.

I talked to Mike and Debbie about it. They totally understood and since Mick was going to have a separate celebration in July for Mick.  I was to keep focused on John...their instructions.

I talked to Katie, I talked to Debe Dodo, I talked to Mom.  They all understood.  Too much going on this weekend.

Finally, I called Mick last week.  I told him that I didn't think Don and I were going to be able to make it.  He already knew that John was graduating and we discussed how the medication that Uncle Don takes wipes him out on the weekend.  (There are many weekends that Don sleeps almost the entire weekend and I am basically here all by myself.)   We talked about how hard it was that Mark wasn't going to be there.  Mick, just like his mom and dad, told me to stay home, and celebrate John's accomplishment and take care of Uncle Don.  We would get together when he came back to St. Louis in a week.

The next day, John and Tabby told me they decided he wouldn't "walk".  It was too late in the evening and too much for the babies.  They would just take pictures later.  No family party....what they wanted more than anything was to spend some time with one another and celebrate...and would I watch the three boys?  Of course.  So, our graduation celebration was giving John and Tabby some time alone.  Priceless.

It was then that I had to come and realize that Don and I could possibly attend Mick's graduation.  I told myself to suck it up....and go.  It wasn't about Mark.  It wasn't about me....and the more I realized I was making it more about me the more I realized how wrong I have been.

Today was Mick's day...or at the very least Mike and Debbie's.

I talked to Don and we both discussed how we felt.  That we were hurt that Mark wasn't here to enjoy this event that he had so hoped he would be a part of....and truthfully, how perhaps we were envious that our part of the  partners in crime duo...never got to do something like this.  That sounds terrible and looks awful in print...but it is I believe a truth for those of us Angel Parents as we experience the joys of other parents.  I guess in essence, sometimes we feel left out.

Suck it up.

We told only John and Tabby that we were going.  We felt someone should know we were on the road.  No one knew we would be there until five minutes before the ceremony started when we walked in the crowded auditorium.  Debe Dodo saw us in the lobby and she hugged us and told us how proud she was that we came.  She told us all the seats had been taken but there were some in the balcony.  She took us to see Mike and Debbie.  Mike took one look at us, and he started crying.

Right then, I knew that some of these feelings I have when an event comes up and we are without Mark, we are only putting our pain onto those we love. 

Debe made Cassie and Kaleb give up their seats.  I felt so bad.  I hope they are not mad at me.

I watched with pride as our Mick walked in, all smiles.  Since Mike too had graduated from Mizzou Law School...he was able to go on stage and "hood" Mick.  I watched with pride as my brother was able to do that.  I watched with pride as I saw Mick's mom smile and take everything in.  I cheered with my family when they announced Mick's name.  I watched with pride as my nephew shook the Governor's hand, then the Dean's hand.

And then I cried.

After shaking the Dean's hand, Mick took a step or two forward on the stage, and under the lights, he took out aomething around his neck, kissed it, and pointed to Heaven.

Mark was there after all.

Mick had been wearing two things around his neck, in addition to the hood he received for his law degree.  He had on a St. Mark medal that we had given to Mike for his birthday following Mark's death.  St. Mark is the patron saint for attorneys.  Mick also had around his neck, Mark's rosary...that we had given to Mick a week after Mark had died.  It was Mark's wish that Mick have his rosary.

So my sweet son, you can rest even easier now.  Your partner in crime is now a lawyer....just in case you need him.

This week we had great accomplishments......John got his first Masters.....Mick got his law degree.....and I got a better understanding that even as life continues, Mark endures.

Another milestone accomplished...my first Mother's Day / birthday all at once without Mark. 

What I knew in the past remains true....it is the anticipation that is worse than what actually occurs.  I should know this by now.  I should have an understanding that I am someone who worries and conjures up scenarios....utilizing precious energy that could be used on something more constructive.

It was the week, days leading up to Sunday...not the day itself.  I wasn't without Mark.  He was everywhere here.

It all started Saturday morning.  Don took me shopping and bought me a beautiful new fountain for the front yard.  I used to have a small garden statue that I gave to my mother and wanted something different this year.  It didn't have to be a fountain, but that is what we found.  It is of little boy pouring water into a pool of water. 

Don and I spent the day working on the yard.  By 6pm I was spent and went to sleep.  I can't even remember eating dinner.  I woke up around 3am and went and sat on the veranda.  OK, here I did cry some.  I remembered sitting there so many nights two years ago.  No one but me, the stars and my thoughts.  The stars are the same, the thoughts not all that different.

It was back then that I started preparing myself for what we knew was going to happen.  I thought a lot about how it would be when Mark left us.  Remember, I am one who thinks up entire scenarios of what is going to happen.  I didn't even come close to identifying the pain that we have felt since June 13 of that year.  Not even close. Yet, I do think we have progressed and tried to keep the promises that Mark asked of us.  We are trying to be happy as much as we can.

I went to the cemetery early this morning.  Since Don had put such a beautiful floral arrangement on Mark's grave last week, I decided not to change or add to it.  Instead, I took some of the "glow stones" that I bought through a catalog.  They are really quite neat....they glow in the dark.  (Granny told Michael that they are alien rocks....and he believes her.  We won't be able to put too many out as I know they are going to end up in a little boy's pocket.)  I left those on his grave.  I also, later this afternoon, left some at different places in his garden.  He will be glowing there...and also at home.

When I got home, I had some things to carry in the house and needed Don to move the truck.  I wasn't paying any attention to anything.  After a few minutes, Don said "That is the biggest dragonfly I have ever seen."  I asked him "what dragonfly?"  "The one on the front porch."

Now, I thought he saw a real dragonfly.  I am hoping that some are attracted to the water in the fountain and rushed out to see if that was what he was talking about.   On our front porch, was the most beautiful metal dragonfly sculpture.  It is about three feet long and three or four feet across at the wings.  It is stunning.  I knew just where it had to go....above the fountain between the bedroom windown.

I have asked Don, John, my mother, my brother....alll deny having put it there.  I have decided to quit trying to figure out who did this.  I believe whomever it was, wanted me to feel as though Mark had been there and left this for me for Mother's Day/Birthday.

If it was you....let me tell you that it worked.  I will forever believe that Mark left it there, if not by him personally, then by sending whomever this person was special messages to do so.

You made my day.

Later in the afternoon, John and Tabitha and the boys came over.  We had cake.  They gave me a beautiful Bible with my name embossed on the front cover.  Something, I told them, I had been wanting.  I wanted a Bible that the babies would fight over when Granny was gone.  Something they knew I cherised, something that told her she would see Uncle Mark again.

After everyone left, Don and me sat on our swing in our backyard.  We love how our backyard looks this year.  I did indeed find a statue of the Blessed Mother and she is nestled in the honeysuckle grotto that formed.  Surrounding her is the Lily of the Valley.  Yes, I was able to get the plants I wanted.  Some from Lois, some from Gwen.  Both Angel Moms.....so when I call it "Mother's Tears", it is not only my tears, but also tears of my sister Angel Moms.  Perfect.

Don let me stay on the swing while he went in and cleaned up the kitchen.  I sat there until the solar dragonfly light came on.....my signal that Mark was "calling" to me and telling me Happy Mother's Day, Happy Birthday.

I know it was him, because he had been there earlier, leaving me a dragonfly on the porch.

If this all was your intention, it worked.

Last night I met with my fellow Angel Moms at Lois's house.  It is so helpful, at least for me, to be able to unload all the emotions with others that understand what it is like to have Mother's Day upon us, and have a part of it missing.

Mother's Day for me is so different now.  I used to like the day, thinking that it was "my day."  I now understand and keep close to my heart that every day is Mother's Day....but this one day of the year it is now all about John.

It is going to be a big week for John.  He graduates with his Master's this Friday.  He worked hard on this, all during the time he was trying to adjust to his life without Mark, caring for his family, working on his house, and welcoming a new baby boy.  I cannot wait to get a picture of John holding his one month old Joey with Danny and Michael hanging on to him as well.  I am so pleased and proud of how Tabitha has supported John's efforts.  I do, without question, have the best daughter in law in the world.  I am so lucky to have her.

That is what Mother's Day really is all about for me.  The memories of past Mother's Days, however continues to haunt me.  I realized after talking to my sister Angel Moms last evening, that the same is also for them.

Four years ago, Mark was in Memphis.  He called me on my birthday, saying how sorry he was that he couldn't get home.  He had flowers sent to me.  We talked for a little bit, and he said he was delivering some golf clubs somewhere.  After we hung up the phone, I cried.  I felt sorry for myself that Mark wasn't going to be home for my birthday and Mother's Day.   I took a shower and scolded myself....I should be happy that Mark is happy, healthy.  There could be other reasons why he wasn't home.  A long shower.  A long cry. 

When I walked out of the bathroom and looked into the kitchen...there was Mark, with that grin of his.  It is one of my most cherished memories.

Last year, my first real Mother's Day without him, was difficult, but I got through it because I decided to give the day to John.  He is the one who bestowed the honor of motherhood on me first...the first person ever to call me Mommy.  He is also the one who allowed me to be called Granny.  The day is about him, not about me.

Four years ago Don's birthday was on Father's Day.  Mark was very distressed that he wasn't going to be home (one just doesn't take off on Father's Day in the golf retail industry).  He was angry and very disappointed.  About a month before his Dad's birthday, Mark called me at work.  He had a marvelous idea......why not surprise Dad and fly him to Memphis on Father's Day.  I am sure it was the best birthday/Father's Day that Donnie has ever had.  He went to church, went to John's for lunch, and opened up his gifts which included a plane ticket to Memphis.  He had less than three hours before he was in Memphis...all a surprise to him.  He did get to spend time with both sons.

This year, my birthday is on Mother's Day.  I am allowing myself some pity party time.  Birthdays are special in our family.  This one hurts a little, yet maybe it will be best.  I can get both days that I think Mark should be here over in one day.  I kiddingly told Don that I thought I was "owed" a trip.  He said he would fly me to Memphis....but I don't think I will ever again go to Memphis.

What I am owed can never be paid.....it is unspeakable that Mark isn't here.

I plan to spend some time at the cemetery Sunday.  Maybe, just maybe, there will be a dragonfly or some kind of sign that once again will be Mark surprising me on my birthday.  And if not, it doesn't matter because I have him in my heart.

Sunday evening, rain or shine....I am going to light the dragonfly lights on our gazebo.  Then, they will remain off until June 12...Dragonfly Night.  It is the beginning of remembering Mark's last month.

It is also the beginning of forever for me.