We have been doing pretty well this week.  Don and I both have times when we feel really down and last evening was one of those times for Don.  We sat outside and talked about how rotten this all has been.  It has not been an easy year.  Not only with everything with Mark, but one of our dearest friends, neighbors and Don's brother by choice, Ken Schnurbusch, has been fighting his own battle with cancer.  Tonight I went up to see Ken and gave him one of Mark's hats...the one his Aunt Debe gave him, that says "Chemo Sucks."  Ken immediately knew who it was really from and immediately put it on his head.  It is hard for us that Ken is sick right now. 
     I have been busy sending out thank you notes...I haven't mailed any yet because none of them really seem to say what we want them to say.  Words, cards, just don't do any justice to how we feel about those who have been praying for us, supporting us, and supplied us with beautiful memorials for Mark:  donations to his benefit fund, garden memorials, flowers, plants and masses. 
     We decided to utilize Mark's benefit fund for donations because there are a number of places we want to send monetary memorials in Mark's name.  We will be doing this not only in Mark's name, but also including the notation that this is also from Mark's friends and family. 
     One of the places we are giving money that has been donated is to the Christian Fellowship Church (formerly United Baptist Church) in Lemay, Missouri.  This little church has been there for the family and has been praying and offering their support since Mark was first diagnosed in 2003.  They are a small, family church that works to meet the needs of everyone.  Pastor Hanson is Tabitha's grandfather.  It is the church where John and Tabitha were married.  The church is small but strong.  We are sending them a check to purchase some needed tables for their fellowship hall to be used for church events, Sunday School, in Mark's name.  A donation was also made to St. Francis of Assisi for their support and the after funeral meal that Martha's Group provided for us.
    We have decided not to make a donation directly to the American Cancer Society.  There is little research being done now on DSRCT and we know from experience that any monetary help is so appreciated.  There is a young man in Tulsa, Chase Sullivan, who is presently undergoing chemotherapy for DSRCT.  He is 19, played high school football and loves to golf.  Sound familiar?  We are sending Chase a check to be used in whatever way he chooses.  So, we are trying to attack DSRCT on a smaller scale...but ensuring that the monster doesn't stand in the way of anything that Chase may need.  Mark knew about Chase, and we feel that this is an appropriate place for some of his donations.
    Michelle McRoy will be participating in the Relay for Life.  We will be giving Michelle a check to purchase torches and illuminarias in Mark's name as well as help her with her sponsorship.  This money goes to the American Cancer Society.  We thank Michelle for contacting us and telling us she will be walking in Mark's memory.  We plan to be there to support her as well.
     A portion of the money is going to be donated to the one organization that Mark as well as the rest of our family has great emotional ties:  Mehlville Football.  We hope to be able to present money to the Mehlville Boosters in Mark's name so that all the stickers, patches, and awards that this year's team will need will be funded by Mark's memory.  We also plan to purchase testicular self exam cards to be given to the school nurse who can make them available to any male student at Mehlville.  We want Mark's story to be told...and we want our players and students to be informed....it may save their life.
   Some of the donation money is being earmarked for some family healing interventions.  We are needing time to heal, time to think, time to remember. The donations will allow our family this opportunity.  A portion of this money is being set aside for special Memory Mark events...his birthday, Christmas.  We want to be able to have counseling, bereavement services available to anyone in our family who is having difficulty with Mark's death.  It will allow us not to think of work, but think about refueling ourselves so that we can continue life the way Mark wanted us to.
    We appreciate everyone's help and guidance.  I find great comfort in talking to friends, especially late at night.  Don has returned to work and falls asleep early.  My special times with Mark were between 10pm and 2am.  It is during that time I feel the most lonely and miss him the most.  I find myself sitting on the "veranda" and looking up the street for headlights..a signal that maybe Mark will be coming home.  They don't come anymore.  His car sits in our garage.
    The ache in our hearts is still there, but I do indeed feel less stressed, less anxious.  I knew that once Mark had died, I would feel that I didn't have to worry anymore...and that has proved to be true.  I just miss him.
    One funny thing.....three days before Mark died I needed a new contact lens (yes, Jeff S....just one).  At the moment, I could not find my supply...but located Mark's.  Ok...try Mark's.  Not only did his lens work...but it worked better than mine.  Since then, I have not had to wear any "cheater glasses" to read.  I think that is pretty funny. 
    Markie always had a way of getting me to see things differently and better.  Everyday now, I am reminded of that when I don't have to reach for glasses.

     John was unable to give Mark's eulogy at the funeral.  It was just too hard, too emotional and no brother should have to do that for their 24 year old baby brother.  John's statements are beautiful and we are so grateful and blessed that John agreed to share them with everyone...even if it is not in the manner that Mark expected.  Perhaps this way is best, anyway....as parents we will be able to read and re-read it over and over again.  We have put this eulogy on its own link.

    Today Don and I are going to go to the Blarney Stone at 530 to eat. It is one of the little steps we are taking and decided that Mark loved "The Stone" so much that we will feel his presence there.  So..if you don't feel like cooking and want a good place to eat and share friendships...we will be there.

   Jeff Schnurbusch sent us the eulogy he gave at Mark's funeral and I have posted it on the eulogy page.

  Today Don went back to work.  It was very strange and lonely here without him.  I spent the morning calling and handling some of Mark's financial affairs.  I called Social Security.  There are no benefits for someone like Mark (young, unmarried, no dependents) but I don't want anyone using his social security number.  Business stuff to do that although is boring, mundane....was very hard to complete.  Late this evening, Kutis Funeral Home called and they had Mark's death certificate.  We know it is only a piece of paper, but it made Don and me cry.  Another event that is part of the journey....and we did it and it is over and we survived.  Keep moving on.
  One of the most difficult things for me to do was to cancel Mark's cell phone service.  Amanda Hubele emailed me most of the morning and because of her, I was able to save the last couple of pictures that Mark took of himself in the hospital.  They are not pretty..actually they are kind of amusing.  Mark didn't have a mirror available and he wanted to see what he looked like with the tube in his nose.  Once Amanda was able to save me the pictures, I cancelled his service.  John is going to use his phone and I was glad I was able to locate the thick book that would let John know how to use this fancy contraption.
   It was very  nice to hear from several of Mark's friends.  Mandy called from work and I was glad to hear from her.  Now, I have spoken to her since she went back (another milestone) and it won't be so hard for me to call her in the future now.  Tom Kaesberg called and he is going to come see us tomorrow afternoon.  He is one of the classiest guys and I really look forward to seeing him tomorrow.  I also had several email conversations with my friend, Marcus Engel.  I get so much inspiration from him and he has blessed me so much with his friendship.  My two most favorite patients ever shared the same name...Mark / Marc.  Both challenged me, both of them were terrific kids, both had a huge legion of friends to help them through the tough times, and as Marcus says....both liked to drink beer and golf.  Marcus has mentioned Markie several times on his blog:  http://www.marcusengel.blogspot.com .  He has an incredible story to tell and if you are not familiar with him....please go to this site.
  As soon as I get the eulogies from Jeff, Mick and John....I will post them.  I appreciate the kind notes from Stacy Cox and Eric Williams.  These are the things that got me through today.
   Donnie did ok at work.  Came home moderately tired but glad that he was able to get through the day pretty well.
   Tomorrow I have a few business items left to do....then perhaps I will go back and start working on my quilt.  It is best to do that when no one is around because embroidery "is annoying to people."

    When I spoke with Lisa while she was stuck in traffic...she requested that I ask everyone who could to send their own memories or perhaps their own eulogies about Mark so that she and Mandy could make a book for Michael and Danny.  You can email them to me at Barbaradewalle@yahoo.com or to Lisa or Mandy.  Their email addresses are in the guestbook.  Thanks to everyone who will help them...this will be so meaningful to John and Tabitha as they continue to keep the memory of Uncle Mark fresh for Michael and Danny.

     It has been a week since Mark's funeral.  We have had a little time to get a perspective of how different our lives will be without Mark.  We miss him so much.  The past six months will always be remembered as "those months."  Don and I have had time alone to discuss this time, and as painful as the past six months have been...there are several things we wouldn't want changed.
     The first would be Mark's funeral.  I know he was proud that so many people came and that traffic was snarled because of it.  We were pleased and honored to have Butch, Coach Heyde, Jeff Schnurbusch and Mick give such wonderful eulogies.  We have posted the eulogies given by Butch and Coach Heyde and hope to be able to put Jeff's and Mick's on the website as well.  There were some people who had trouble hearing the speakers (no thanks to Father Edwin who nearly left them out!!!) and others who were unable to attend.  Most of all, we have posted them because John told us if he had access to them...he would read them over and over again.  I have found this to be true.  The printouts I have of these I put in my Bible.  I read them at church Sunday morning and remembered how the church was filled with people who knew and loved Mark.  The combination gave me much comfort.
    I wish that Mark had not died.  I wished he had never come up the stairs and say to me "Mom, I found a lump."  I wished he did not have to face the trials that he did.  I wish he were here with me.  Yet, I wouldn't change the past six months I had with him.  I spent nearly every minute within earshot and was available to anything he wanted.  We spoiled him, we babied him, but most of all we loved him.
   I miss having his friends around.  His friends quickly became OUR friends and I used them so much for my own support.  We are not as strong as everyone thinks.  I was happy that Lisa called me while stuck in traffic in Chicago on Friday.  I miss the phone calls from his friends.  I miss talking to Mandy.  
   I think we are starting to heal...but it is going to take time.  Don and I are determined that Mark will be mentioned every single day for the rest of our lives.  I don't think that will be hard.  What will be hard is filling in the gaps of time we spent with him and his friends.  John and Tabitha I am sure can only take so much of us.  We are trying to create a different life than what we have and, as we have always done in the past, we will do it together.  Donnie and I know we are a good team, we just have to find a place for us.  Talk about empty nest...this is stupid and ridiculous.
   If you have been wondering how we are doing.....we are ok...just terribly, terribly sad and miss our boy.  We still need the support of our friends.  We have leaned so much on our family and we know John and Tabitha have their own healing to do. 
   But, we will not let Markie down..

    I never wanted to type those words above...Mark's funeral.  Our entire family wishes to thank everyone who attended in the beautiful services for our Mark.  Several weeks ago...when it appeared that things were going in our direction and that Mark would be able to have surgery....Mark and I discussed what Don, John, Tabitha and myself had been forced to confront back in January.  We briefly outlined what we would do and what arrangements we would make in the event of Mark's death.  Mark was curious as to what these would be...and thank goodness we had this conversation because many of the things that we came up with...Mark had a different viewpoint.  We were undecided as to whether or not the funeral should take place at St.Francis.  Mark's comment"  I think Francis...I am Catholic...and Mom, my funeral is going to be huge."  Such a funny comment and he laughed at it....but he was absolutely correct. It was huge.
    John was very instrumental in talking with Mark about how he wanted his funeral.  Mark was very emphatic that it was to be a Mass at St. Francis.  He spent a lot of time choosing his pall bearers and was somewhat distressed that he would be unable to choose all of his friends. Instead, he tried to pick representatives of different aspects of his friends.  He hoped that Butch and Coach Heyde would speak.  He wanted John to speak.  John realized the morning of Mark's funeral that he would not be able to follow through with this....and we all know how important these two were to one another and no words that ANYONE would speak would do justice to Mark and John's relationship.  Mark agreed to John's suggestion that Golf Discount pick out what he would wear...and GD followed through with Mark's request.  He discussed what he wanted done with some of his prized possessions.  Two of them...his Courageous Heart Medal and his State Ring were to go to Michael and Daniel.  Another was some Blues banners that Mark wanted Chris Marmon to have. 
     Mark also wanted Father Edwin to celebrate his Mass. Father has been a family friend for many many years and remembers Mark as a two year old running around and getting into things.  It is funny now, but it used to aggravate me because Father would sit in our kitchen and laugh at how quickly Mark could push my buttons.
     The servers at Mass are two of our neighbor boys.  The lady who helped distribue communion used to babysit Mark when he was four years old.  Coach Gegg agreed to read the intercessions.  Mark was very adamant that his friends be remembered in these. 
     Mark also had input into his obituary. John wrote his obituary but I added two things that Mark had told me he wanted in it:  that he wanted his friends to take care of one another and that he loved John with all of his heart. 
     The visitation was wonderful, the flowers, memorial stones, masses were so appreciated by all of us.  It was so nice to see so many friends.  It gave us great comfort and helped take some of the pain away.
     Mark would have been impressed not only by the number of people at church....but the fact that some of his friends were actually in a church!!!  Mary LeGrand commented to me that all of South County was probably mad at Mark as his procession line to the cemetery went on and on and on.....traffic is bad enough now without his funeral procession.
    Mark is buried at Park Lawn Cemetery....25 feet or so from his great grandparents.  The past 48 hours or so have had us on an emotional roller coaster.  We are not yet cried out and perhaps never will be.  But, we are at peace that we have our angel in Heaven and he is resting quietly.  Someday, Don will be buried on one side of Mark, and I will be on the other.  Until then, we will have our moments of rushing tears...but will always have him in our heart.
     Let the healing begin.....

     Yesterday at Mark's visitation, it was so wonderful to see so many of the people that have circled us with love and support.  I thought to myself that there just wasn't enough time to talk to everyone.  I feel that this time has given us the chance to thank our family, friends and friends of Mark's for everything that they have done.  It is hard to explain how every single person who came yesterday took with them some of the pain we are have felt....we are so much stronger because you were there.
    As we get ready for one more day.....please know that we look forward to another special time with you.  I am so glad we decided on two day visitation....if you came yesterday, please hug us again today, and if you were unable to make yesterday's celebration...we look forward to you again.  We slept so much better last night but not because of being so tired....just knowing that our Mark would live forever in the hearts of his friends and family.
   Today is Father's Day. Mark was born the day after my dad's birthday.  I am glad Dad is in Heaven.  He is there for Mark but more importantly I do not think my father would have survived the events of the past couple of weeks.  Today I remember Dad but do not really miss him...I know he is ok.  We sent him the best Father's Day present ever.
  This morning John and Tabitha and the babies came to see Don.  They gave Don some Heavenly Hash (everyone pretty much knows that Don loves candy and even hides it in the house). Don loved spending time with this peculiar Father's Day with John.  After a few minutes...John handed Don his card.  We were all very quiet as Don opened the card.....and watched as the tears flowed down his face.  The beautiful card read "the best Dad in the world forever, Mark."  He had asked Tabitha to go buy hiim a Father's Day card...he signed it, and Tabitha and John hid it. All three knew that Mark would not be able to give it to Don himself.  I think, even with the rush of tears Donnie had that he now understood why Mark called him "Perfect Daddy."
  We hope to see you at the funeral home this afternoon/evening.  I plan to bring the card so others may understand how very much Mark was loved....but how very much he loved his Dad.

   What does one do the day their child dies?  Don and I found peace and spent the day comforting each other, comforting our John and Tabitha, and surrounded by our family and friends.  We made funeral arrangements, chose a final resting place for our Mark, and started to rebuild our lives.  Mark had tearfully expressed his concerns about us and we were determined to make good on our promises to him.
    The postings made since Mark died have confirmed to us what we always knew....Mark was one special guy.  Markie feared for the hurt of his family and his friends that would come as a result of his death.  "Mom, I know how bad that feels...I have always hurt because of Shelley, Jonathan and Kevin.  It just doesn't go away."  He did, however, agree that the hurt, over time, finds a place in the heart and that memories are forever.  Friendship is enduring.  You are stuck with your relatives, but friends are chosen.  Mark knew that he was loved and his family and friends would find a special place in their hearts to keep him forever.
    The day that Mark came home, Meghan and Rachel..Jonathan's sister and cousin,,,brought about 15 heart-shaped mylar helium balloons to him.  (I am pretty positive it was them...that was a trying day).  Those balloons remained in Mark's room until he died and they cast a beautiful glow in his room the entire time.  Michael and Danny would always look at the balloons but never dared ask Mark if they could have one.  In the afternoon after Mark had died, the babies came over and as they usually do, they ran to Uncle Mark's room.  They looked at the fish, jumped on the bed that had been replaced in the room, and both asked for a balloon.  We took all of the balloons outside and each of the boys let go their half of them.  They watched, giggled, waved and blew kisses to the balloons as they sailed to Uncle Mark in Heaven.  Neither one of the boys asked to keep them...they wanted to send them to Mark instead. When one could hardly see the balloons anymore I said "well, you can't see them now, they are gone."  Michael said "They are still there, Granny.  They are in Heaven with Uncle Mark."  It was a beautiful moment for our family, one that was spontaneous and yet memorable.  I appreciate the wisdom of our 4 year old and the joy in his face when he speaks of his uncle.  I know that Mark is proud of them as well.
     Yesterday, Don and I had a very quiet day.  We had two visitors..John and our nephew Jeff Henderson.  Jeff makes my heart melt...he always has because he is such a fool.  He took me to Walmart with him and we bought lemonades at Steak and Shake.  Few phone calls, no visitors dropped by and the delivery of a beautiful flower arrangement from Nathan Kerr, one of the golf industry reps that Mark loved spending time with.  It was a quiet, peaceful day...one in which Don and I were able to spend together, rest, recuperate and prepare for the weekend celebrations.
    On the day one's child dies..and the day that follows, I have learned that the sun shines, the birds sing, that family and friends still love one another, and that just because you can't see something....doesn't mean it isn't there.

For some reason I didn't include addresses:

Kutis Funeral Home
5255 Lemay Ferry Road
St. Louis, Missouri 63129
314-894-4500

St. Francis of Assisi Catholic Church
4550 Telegraph Road
St. Louis, Missouri  53129
314-487-5736

Mark DeWalle Benefit Fund
1131 Marchi Drive
St. Louis, Missouri  63125

     This morning when Kutis came for our Mark, we requested that they not cover his face so that the sun once more could shine on his face.  When they pulled away, the cancer left our home foreever.  Our Mark was not in the hearse.....he was in Heaven.  Kutis took the cancer away from us.  No further need to discuss that monster in our home again.
     We have made the following arrangements in order to accommodate Mark's family and friends and to assure that this will indeed be a celebration of Mark.  There will be visitation at Kutis on Lemay Ferry Road on Saturday, June 16th from 3pm to 9pm.  We will again have visitation on Sunday, June 17th from 4pm to 8pm.  Mass will be at St. Francis of Assisi on Monday, June 18th at 10am. There will be a brief service at the funeral home prior to Mass.  We are also having a lunch for anyone who would like to join us with details offered at the Mass.  We are wanting to have this be a "party" so our grandsons  will remember all of the friends who came to celebrate Uncle Mark going to Heaven.
    We are understandably tired, but we are all at peace.  We are going to be all right and we all look forward to seeing our family and friends at Mark's celebrations this weekend.  God love you all.

     From the arms of his loving family, to the loving arms of Jesus, Mark entered into the Kingdom of Heaven at 8:00am on Wednesday, June 13.

     Mark once again listened to the highlight tape when Scott and Mike were here.  Shortly thereafter I called Scott Pope who came over and spent time with Mark. Frankie, Paul Choe, Ryan Volz all came to see him.  Mark finally let his guard down and allowed us to touch him. He wanted to see his brother and Coach Heyde.  Mark and I had talked earlier in the week and Mark was concerned that he had let Coach down...he wanted to be sure this wasn't true.  John and Tabby came over as well and we finally felt that Mark was able to say his goodbyes to his brother and sister.
     I gave Mark his requested thorazine and since that time his breathing has been labored and agonal, although he does not seem to be struggling.  He seems more peaceful than before.  He no longer responds to us when we talk to him.  He knows that the angels are coming and is ready to go and does not seem to be fighting anymore but welcoming the moment when he meets his grandparents, cousin and his friends.
    I amazed that Mark is still here but then he is always going to be here.

    The past 24 hours Mark has deteriorated greatly.  He at times refuses to use his oxygen...he is the boss... and continues to have very shallow breathing.  Don and I felt throughout the night that each breath was his last and we never leave him alone.  Debbie A and Jeff stayed and helped us and Butch was here by 4am and was also very helpful beyond words.
   I know that there are a couple DSRCT families that look at this website.  My heart goes out to you.  Only we know what that combination of letters have done to all of us.  I always had great difficulty in reading the Caringbridge sites of other DSRCT families.  Mark would not have a Caringbridge site...he was NOT one of them.  This was all just a big misunderstanding and as long as stayed away from those sites....and also the phone calls of that wonderful Beth Augustine...Mark would not have the same fate as the others.  So...to those families who are looking at this website to get information, understanding...you are the ones with the true strength.  I never could look at yours.
    There have been some friends that dropped by. Mark had removed the tube that keeps his stomach empty and was refusing in a very agitated way for me to put it in.  All it took was two teammates from his State team...Scott Houska and Mike Mahler...to ask Mark to have the tube put back in for them and the team...and Mark readily agreed.  I told Mark when the boys left the room...you would never let your teammates down...and Mark said "Never."  He also allowed his old roommate Scott Pope and Fish Man Paul Choe to change his shirt.  He was not agreeable to let his family do this...but didn't argue too much with these close friends.
   John spent the entire day at Mark's bedside.  John has been there for Mark since the day Mark was born...always sticking up for him and always loving him no matter what commotion Mark may have caused him. John is the perfect brother....only the best ever for Mark and that is why he had John for a brother.
   I know I post this everyday....this may be Mark's last day/night.  For some reason I am more at peace tonight than ever and if Mark wants to stay the night one more night....we are here for him with every breath. 

     Mark has more strength than any of us.  I do not remember being so emotionally and physically exhausted as I was this morning.  Don took over for the day, answering calls, meeting with Ann, Mark's hospice nurse, and of course caring for Mark.  Donnie and I have been a team for a long time and I still think he is the best looking guy around.  We will need some time to help each other after this over.
    Mark has been awake at times throughout the day.  He has been sleeping and around 3:15 asked what time it was and reminded us that Jeopardy will be on soon.  He answers questions from time to time and when he answered one wrong..he waved his hand in disgust.  Otherwise, he is very quiet, breathing very shallow, and eyes are closed.  Although it has been a stressful, tiring past 24 hours....Mark seems to be restful, calm, comfortable and serene.

     I don't think that Mark will be suffering much longer.  It has been two weeks since he made the decision to take control and it is apparent that he is getting closer to the goal line.  Yesterday, there were few visitors outside of the immediate family.  He has not initiated any conversation and has been sleeping much more.  John and Tabby again stayed throughout the night as did Grandma and Jeff.  He is totally surrounded and wrapped in love and is safe.
     It has been difficult to write everything exactly as it has transpired over the past week.  There have been times when we have had very little or no sleep.  I have been reluctant to detail anything or come out and say that Mark is in his last days for fear that he would want to see his computer and read what we have written. We tell him daily who has left messages, how many "hits" are on the site and who has called. From the posts I can tell that many of you have been able to read between the lines.  We have not given up on him....we never ever will....we just know that his time is soon.
     Last evening he had more difficulty breathing and managing secretions so we called and had a suction machine immediately sent out.  His breathing is very shallow but he is not struggling.  He does not want to be touched or moved.  He is emphatic that he no longer wants his oxygen.  We are honoring all of Mark's wishes....he remains in control.
     Don, myself, John, Tabby and the rest of the family are preparing for this nightmare to be over for all of us.  I have told many people that I personally will find much comfort in knowing that I will NEVER again have to worry about Mark, his illness, his happiness, his well being.  My main regret is that Michael and Danny may not remember their Uncle Mark and how much Mark loved his little nephews.  But, as Mark told Tabitha the other day "I will always be here."
     Children and pets seem to know of these things we are experiencing.  Sage has not eaten well in the past week.  Michael draws colors pictures frequently for Uncle Mark. Yesterday he brought one of his colorings to Mark...it was an angel and on the angel were the words "Follow Me".  I think it is quite possible that Mark will do just that....perhaps as early as today.

Last night and this morning have been fairly uneventful.  Tabby and myself stayed the night and everyone was able to get some sembelence of rest.  Mark has been sleeping quit a bit, and we have noticed that his rougher times are in the morning.  He does not speak much, although he can, but uses hand motions instead to convey what he wants.  What he mostly wants is the wet towles that my dad has been putting in the refrigerator.
The entire family is amazed of the amount of posts on the message board and how widely Mark has touched lives.  Please continue to post, pray, and remember Mark and his family.

     After taking his boys to see Shrek 3, John came over to spend the night with us.  Mark enjoyed watching the Cardinal game with Susie and Scott and also visited with Ryan Volz.  The Fish Man came again and cleaned Mark's aquarium with a handy little device.  Grandma Joyce was also here this evening.  Mark missed visiting with Chuck, who came when Mark was asleep. Don enjoyed talking with Chuck, who has been a very good friend.
    Mark's belly is larger today than yesterday at this time.  He says he is not in any pain but I can tell that his belly is giving him some discomfort as he rubs it frequently while he is asleep. I wondered yesterday morning why he didn't want to put a shirt on.  Now I know.
   Would love to convey how frustrated and helpless we feel right now...but there are no words to describe it.  So, I will just stop and go sit with Mark some more.

    I know that I haven't posted in a couple of days. Mark was more awake yesterday and today and Don and I have been enjoying this.  Today, Mark found the strength and took a shower.  He was very very tired afterwards and slept most of the afternoon.  This evening he spent a lot of time with John and Tabby who brought over the babies as Mark requested.  They were delighted with what the "Fish Man" had added to the tank.
   The past two nights has been just Don, Mark and me.  We have done pretty good alone.  John comes by in the mornings to see Mark before he goes to work.  Mark has been fairly restful the past two nights.
   Mark's belly is somewhat rounder and he is finding comfort with his pain medication as well as something Don has been doing for him.  Cool, refrigerated towels gives him some relief and Don makes sure he has towels ready in the refrigerator.
   Wednesday afternoon Lisa and Mandy went back to their homes in Chicago and Colorado Springs.  They were such a big help to us and I know Mark enjoyed them.  Shortly after they left three of Mark's teammates...Terrell Jones, Thomas Chatman and Ura Clerk came over and it was fun listening to their comments as they watched their high school football highlight film.  Two of Mark's employees..Jeremy and Kim from Fairview Heights also came over.  The afternoon was spent with friends and I know Mark appreciated them all coming over.
   Thursday morning I was really wiped out and feeling stressed. Don left briefly and I thought I was going to come completely unglued when in walked Coach Heyde....he really saved my day.  I started telling him all my woes and that I needed to go downstairs and chill out....and I was able to do this because he was there. Mark has so much respect for Coach and I was so very glad to see him.  I was able to calm down and sleep for an hour or so and not worry about Mark because Coach was there until Don came back.
  Please check out the new tab at the left about Mark's aquarium.  Mark, Don and myself...not to mention everyone else...has so enjoyed the saltwater tank that Paul Choe set up.  I had fun taking the pictures.
  We are all so overwhelmed by everyone's help, thoughts, prayers, postings.  We have heard from people we haven't heard from in years.  Friendship is enduring.
  Hoping for a quiet, restful night for Mark.  It is my time to sit with Mark and I spend it watching over him and remembering....

Throughout the morning Don and I have been sitting at Mark's bedside. John came by around 5am before going to work and Mark was aware that his brother was here.  I don't think his morphine pump was working for a few hours and that may be the reason he was awake most of the night.  He never complained of pain and just indicated that he was a little uncomfortable.  He told his Dad that he wanted us just to sit with him and that is what we have been doing.  He is sleeping restfully.  We have told him that we love him, cherish him and that we will be ok. 

     In Mark's best interests, we decided this morning to restrict visitors to family.  Mark is more alert and awake this afternoon and was not happy about this decision.  He said we were being "selfish" and we were to some extent.  Mark wants to see his friends so any phone conversation you may have had this morning forget about.
     To compromise.....Mark spoke with John's wife, Tabitha, about this situation.  We are going to establish family only times during the day.....and friend times during the day.  Please call 894-9066 or 401-1810 and let us know you want to come....we will be able to tell you what time would be best.  This should allow our family time with Mark..and time Mark has with his friends.   Please limit visits to 5-10 minutes.
     As we said before, we never received the book on how to do this...and don't know what direction to take.  If we come up with definite times...then we will post those. Until then, feel free to call.

     John, Tabby, Don and I are overwhelmed by the beautiful postings made by people we know..and don't know...to this website.  In answer to my good friend, Marc Engel...we are going to keep this website up for a very very long time...if nothing us to have these thoughts readily available to us at any given place...whether at home or at work.

     Mark continues to become weak.  He has had to have the NG replaced a couple of times and lasst night Butch was here to help put it back in....imagine that!!!  We are trying to keep him as comfortable as we can make him and he is sleeping at intervals.

     Mark's dear friend Paul has been in South Carolina all weekend visiting little Michelle.  Due to the tropical storm...all flights home were cancelled.  So what did Paul do......he rented a car and brought Michelle with him and drove straight home.  Paul came across the country to back home with Mark and arrived around 4am.

     The other Paul..Paul Choe...has given Mark a marvelous gift.  Starting the day before Mark came home, Paul has been coming daily to the house and setting up a saltwater tank in Mark's room.  Mark absolutely loves it and focuses on the fish tank all the time.  Michael also loves the tank and although he included Mark in his prayer the other night...John said Michael prayed more for the "Fish Man" than anything.

     We are being pretty strict with visiting hours.  We are requesting that only family drop in to see Mark.  If you wish to see him....please call us first.  He is tiring and we are being somewhat selfish in wanting these moments to ourselves.  Please call 314-894-9066 and someone will let you know if and when would be the best time.
  
     We continue to ask for your prayers for our strength.

    

      Yesterday there were many visitors. Gwen Houska came and I was asleep and so disappointed that I missed her. She brought Mark a beautiful comfort cross which is near him.
     At Mark's bedside throughout the night was a real angel.  Tony Bernil flew in from Memphis and comforted Mark all night long.  Mark was very grateful that Tony was here.  Mark and Tony met at Golf Discount in Memphis and became very close friends.
     Please pray for our family's strength, today and in the coming days.  We will be ok....we just will need everyone's support, guidance and patience.   Remember, Mark belongs to us all...family, friends, teammates, coaches, coworkers......all of us made up Mark.

     Mark is at home and with caring for him and the many visitors, I have not had the time to post a new blog.
      Everyone and we mean everyone has been so kind and understanding of our need to limit the time people are spending with Mark.  He tires so easy.  Please be aware that Mark is grateful for his many friends and this is one of the reasons that he came home.
     Julie, one of his nurses from 7900 has stopped by and I was so happy she did yesterday morning.  She helped our wonderful hospice nurse, Ann, replace Mark's NG tube and her support.  She has been an angel, as all the nurses and physicians on 7900 have been.  Julie said everyone there was asking about Mark and we send them our hugs and kisses.
     Mark is at peace with his decision.  He has had daily visits from either our family priest, Father Edwin, or from Tabitha's grandfather, Pastor Hanson.  He has spoken at length with John regarding his wishes.  I feel our prayers have been answered...perhaps not as we had wanted....but in a different manner.
     We want people to come see Mark but have set up "gatekeepers" who are our beautiful Lisa, Mandy and Tyonn.  Please do not take offense if they ask for some quiet time for the family or suggest that Mark needs rest.  They are in command when they are here and have been so helpful to our family.
     I will post more later today.  My friend, Patty O'Toole is coming over after a long 12 hour shift at work, and I look forward to spending some time with my co-worker.
    Those of you who have been by already know that Don, myself, John and Tabby, Grandma and everyone else is hurting right now...but we are ok and get a lot of strength from our faith, our friends, and our very special Mark.