While we were in Nassau, I mentioned in an earlier blog the wonderful moment when Don buried his bracelet in the sand on Paradise Island.  Knowing Mark was in Heaven/Paradise himself, and that he loved blue water....Donnie felt this was the appropriate place to let his bracelet go.  I spent the rest of the time thinking I wish I could let mine go as well.  I never could find the right time or place.  I thought about dropping it off the ship into the Caribbean ala Titanic...but I didn't want to get booted off.
     After the cruise, we spent two more days at Disney.  Don and I spent a lot of time sitting on benches, talking with each other about the events in our life.  There were two conversations we had with people that I remember while sitting on benches in the Magic Kingdom.  There was also one brief, almost missed, conversation that I had...and after tonight..I know why.
     I still had my bracelet and it we were going home in the next day or so.  We had just checked into the Pop Century Resort earlier in the day.  Don and I received the call that Ken had died.  We were hurting so much from Mark and then we got the news about Ken. After some tears, we decided to go get something to eat.  Everyone was inside the food court, except me.  I walked in and before I met the rest of my family, I was struck my a handsome young man sitting at a table near the door.  What drew me to him was that he was wearing a Livestrong bracelet.  Something told me this was where I needed to leave my bracelet.  I interrupted this gentleman's meal, sat down, asked him about the bracelet he was wearing, and told him Mark's story and that I wanted him to have mine.  He asked me if I was sure...and although I didn't really want to give it away and never see it again....I knew that it would be part of the healing.  I wanted to feel the way Don did.  I wanted my bracelet to go somewhere special.  I asked the young man to wear it..and if he thought about it...to look up Mark's website.  I never expected to hear from him again.  I didn't know his name.  I didn't know if he took it off later and threw it away.  All I knew, is that he was kind to me, and acted as if he was interested.
    Tonight, I received an email from him.  I emailed him back and asked him if it was ok for me to put it on the guestbook.....which he gave me permission to do.  What is incredible...is that at least one more stranger knows Mark's story and may have been touched by it.  I looked Neil up on the internet...big time basketball player in high school...haven't looked any further than that.  He knows what it means to be part of a team...and to have a brotherhood that extends beyond his own family.  Did he tell me this?  No.  I just know what high school boys are like.
    I wanted something special for my Mark bracelet.  Don's is buried in the sands along the blue waters of Nassau.  Mine is being worn by someone who lives along the blue waters of Hawaii.....a place Markie often said he wanted to live...even as a child.  Thanks to Neil, his compassion and his promise kept....part of Mark will forever be in Hawaii.

     My Uncle Bob in Florida sent me the book "90 Minutes in Heaven" shortly after Markie died.  It took me a couple of days to start to read it...and unlike most books....I am reading every single word, and pausing after each chapter to give myself a day or two to think about what this man has written.
    None of us will really know until we get there what Heaven is really like.  Something tells me that this man is describing something real, and I like to pretend that it is a letter to me from Mark.  It isn't written at all like Markie would have written it....everything is capitalized, punctuated, and there are no IM shortcuts.  I find myself trying to understand everything and relate it to Mark.  Today, however, I read something that I feel was directly pointed at me...and perhaps Don and John as well.
   The author related how he was berated by a mentor for not allowing others to help.....that he should accept any type of help offered from others as nothing more than showing their love.  I realize how selfish I have been....feeling guilty about having others do things for us.  Feeling guilty about fundraisers.  I remember thinking that we should have been more moneysmart...should have been prepared for something like this.  What kind of people were we that we were not financially ready?  I remember feeling as though the ONLY person that could take care of Mark was me...better than Don, better than John...better than anyone.  I know now that is not true.  Those of you who helped me emotionally, financially, and spiritually....I understand now that you were not necessarily doing it for me, my family or for Mark...it is because that you are a loving, caring person and your time spent with us was to allow you the chance to spread goodness over everyone. How selfish I was to think it was only to give me time to be with my son.....it did so much more.
   Mark was a typical 24 year old.  I doubt that he gave much thought to what impact he had upon others...although I know for a fact that he dearly loved his friends.  He didn't create world peace, stop hunger, cure cancer. Yet, I think that the number of hits on this website is a testament to what we all want to be able to do...make some sort of difference.  I know Mark did, whether he thought about it or not.
     Everyday I have a better understanding of what experiences I have had in my life brought me to this point.  I am so very proud that I was Mark's mom...I actually feel special.  I can relate to almost everything, anything, that ever happened to me as a stepping stone to getting me where I am today.  Everything happens for a purpose...the people I have met, the experiences I have had.  All of the compiled together to make me the best mom I could have been to Mark.  I don't ask John anymore if we did a good job...he would be the only person on earth to tell me what kind of mother I am.  I now know...that I was the best mother to Mark that I could have been and I am at peace with that alone.
     No one...and I mean no one, could ever stop me in my tracks and shut me up any faster than Mark could.  John easily can attack my sensibilities and I can debate with him why I feel a certain way.  That was not the case with Mark....things I never knew he knew about or cared about, he had a well thought out, intelligent opinion to make. He could actually read my mind.  He knew I was afraid of what was happening.  We both were trying our best not to invade each other's space....it was too painful.  So, we pretended a lot.  I would plan trips for him on Expedia...set up itineraries of trips to the Bahamas, Fiji.  We would talk about world events....and I would relish the times he told me what he thought.   He would tell me things...rant about them for 15 minutes, and sit in his bed with his bald head and say "Now, think about that, Mom, think about it."  I called him Yoda.  I learned so much about the world we live in...and probably more about the world he now is in....than I ever learned before.  I had beliefs changed.  I had my faith strengthened.  He was much smarter than his ACT score or his teachers ever realized.
      I  learned he was an expert on things I didn't know he even knew about.  I recall one night in February he said to me "Mom, what is the thread count in these sheets...they are really nice."  I laughed when I told him and he said "Go tomorrow and get some 700 count sheets...they are expensive but so what."  Of course..I did go buy him new sheets...I could only get 650 count..."Not the best, but they will do" was the response I got.  I will never know why he knew about thread counts....but I promise I will always think of him when I buy sheets.
     It takes more than a village to raise a child....I think I understand now that it also takes a village to bury one.  I cannot thank everyone enough for their support to our family.  We are slowly making progress and it will take our lifetime until we feel we have turned every stone and felt every feeling that comes with Mark's death.  We have been blessed with the goodness of others to allow us time to think, grieve, and be a family.  We have a long way to go...but the "village of Mark" seems to stay with us.  
    The village is meeting again tomorrow...whether you are there with us in person, or in your thoughts, we will feel your presence, support and love.   I am going to walk the walk at the Relay for Life with renewed hope....not just for others with cancer...but for our friends,myself, my family, and always thinking of our Mark.  One month ago I couldn't see us at this event....it took the village to get us there.

  I have found out there are several people who are planning to stay all night at the Relay....I didn't want to be the only staying for Mark's team...so....we will party all night.  I am excited. We have a tent and Michelle has bought some goodies to eat.  I will be getting things together to decorate Mark's "campsite" and hope to see a lot of his supporters there.  Thanks to everyone who has helped....I am really looking forward to it as is the rest of our family.
   For those who think it is too late...it isn't too late to join the team.  OR....you can just come out and hang with us.  We plan to have more luminarias with Mark's name than anything else...after all...we ARE the number one team.

     I know that whenever Don and I left town for a day or two (which was and remains very very rare) there were always some extra people at our house.  I know this for a fact because once we drove by our house...or tried to...and had trouble getting by because of all of the cars.  I visited Mark's grave the other day after returning from our break.....and some things never change.
    At his gravesit there is a multitude of different things that immediately told me that his family and friends made visits while we were gone.  Flowers, a chair (a chair!!!), sparkly confetti,balloons,  golf balls, pennies (I know who does that) and a green cross with his name and birthdate with "Champion of Life" written across it.  It amused me and at the same time allowed me to remember times when I knew that he had a party when we were not there.  However, the most significant item I noticed was one that was brought to Mark's grave AFTER we returned.  I know who put it there, I know what it meant. It was a golf ball with Mickey Mouse on it....a sign that one of his final wishes had been completed.
   Don and I discussed the events in the next year which will cause us some emotional turmoil.  We know the first will be October 6th...Mark's 25th birthday.  We have always planned to continue celebrating his birthday every year. It is important to us that our babies Michael and Daniel know the name "Uncle Mark" and this is one way we can celebrate how much we loved him.  Yet this first birthday following his death....his 25th....would have been a very big deal to Mark.  A milestone. A reason to go out with his friends.  We plan to have our own little family remembrance...one that we would have shared with Mark quietly before he met up with all of his friends.  I cannot fathom sitting home that night quietly...without his friends.  His greatest concern was the happiness of his family and of his friends after his death.  He would not want his friends sad...but he sure wouldn't want them to allow Oct 6th go unnoticed.  If he had lived to be 25...I know the first place he would have started to celebrate after leaving home...the Blarney Stone.  So.....I am asking everyone and will put reminders out later....save October 6th and meet us to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Mark's birth at the Blarney Stone.  I have already warned Tom Irwin.
   Mark would have been pleased with us this evening. No tears this evening....we resumed our Tuesday evening at Blarney Stone with our good friends Mark and Debbie Silhavy, my brother Mike and Deb, my foolish nephew, Jeff and the gift of friendship Mark gave to us in the way of Butch.  We ate, we laughed, we talked about Mark...and they teased me about Mark's fish (yes, I accidently killed the fish when I changed the water.....I will replace them...don't everyone get on me about it...I didn't mean to...and no, I haven't told the Fish Man yet). It is very healing to be in a place that we can feel Mark's presence. So...once again, a party was in progress all in the name of Mark.
   People have asked me how John is doing.  I think only John can answer that but I know I feel so very bad for him.  He didn't like being an only child when he was 4 and was so very glad to have a brother....I know he doesn't like being the only child now.  It is a struggle for us all....but John has the wonderful support of our Tabitha, and need only watch Michael and Daniel to have reminders of his relationship with Mark.  He still has a brother....we still have two sons.  It has been good to be able to see John's smile return again.  I know that Mark is so proud of him....he worried about all of us so much.
   I am practicing thinking about Mark, talking about him, trying to get through the day without crying spells....and they are starting to lessen.  I know that Mark would be very upset with me at times and I am trying very hard.  I want to be as strong as I possibly can be when I return to work.  I know that seeing my co-workers will bring about a lot of tears and a repetition of the events of the past couple of months.  Maybe, what I should do is what Mark would do....have a party the day I go back....with confetti, balloons and maybe a golf ball thrown in for fun.

     The Relay for Life will be this Friday at Sylvan Springs Park in Jefferson Barracks.  They are still working on the football field so the ACS has moved the event to this new location.
     The team captain and I have decided that we will not be staying the entire night.  This is our first year in doing this and since the money has already been collected, we will instead enjoy the friendship and celebrate Mark during the evening time.  We have been informed that there are activities such as decorating a campsite for spirit award, night time events, but in view that it is so recent that Mark went to Heaven, we will be keeping our presence somewhat low profile during the night time hours.  I also have an event that I want to attend on Saturday and I don't think that staying up all night is a good idea for me at this time.  I know that the organizers like people to walk the entire night...to keep fighting cancer throughout the night...but I am sure they will understand that our family and friends have just completed a six month vigil fighting cancer on our own.
    Anyone wanting to stay all night are more than welcome to do so.  We will have a tent available for anyone.  We are just going to concentrate on the evening.  The event begins at 7pm and we will be there around six.  We will have the tshirts available from ACS for anyone who is a participant.
    Next year, when we are less fatigued from Mark's time....we will stay all night.  I also hope that perhaps next year, there will be more research into fighting the cancer that created Mark's turmoil.  Right now, there is very little investigations ongoing to seek a valid treatment and cure for DSRCT.
   If anyone has any questions, concerns.....please call me or leave a note in the guestbook.

      Don and I spent the weekend at home. My mom came out and spent most of the weekend with us and we were glad to have her here.  Prior to Mark's illness, Mom would often spend weekends with us and having her do this again helps us feel as though things are getting back to normal.
      Shortly after Mark's death, Don and I both said that a day would never go by without us talking about Mark.  He is still very much a part of our daily lives.  We want to make sure that Mark's life didn't end in June and have tried to be a little creative in thinking of ways to keep Mark a part of everyone and not allow his death to be his legacy.
      My mom still works for MODOT.  One morning a couple of weeks ago I noticed one of the adopt a highway signs along Kinswood...the outer service road to 270 by our house.  I told Don and my mom I wished we could do something like that.  Mom checked when she went to work.....and the section of Kinswood from Telegraph to Sunrise Heights was available.  Soon, there will be a sign "Family and Friends of Mark DeWalle" alongside the road.  We, and everyone else who comes to our house, will pass this sign.  I am happy that it is placed here....Mark often would call me and ask me to pop something in the microwave when he drove down this section. "Mom, I just got on the service road..." was something I heard so many times. I am excited about adopting this part of the road and don't care if anyone comes out to help me when I go to clean it.
     Another idea is one that has taken off really well.....the Relay for Life event for the American Cancer Society that will be held soon.  Mark DeWalle's High Choppas is so far the number one team.  Michelle and I will be discussing this event more later today and I will post particulars of this event.  Jeff Schnurbusch...one of the inventors of "high choppa" has given me several cans of tennis balls...the important ingredient in high choppa...to be distributed to those at the event.  Everyone can play.  We plan to have a team in Mark's name every year.
    I have been contacted by the Mehlville Football Boosters and there are a couple of really neat things that will happen this fall....we will not let anyone forget Mark's courage nor his love of Panther football.  The first game is against Eureka at home...on the new field..on August 31st.  More on that to come later.
   I have busied myself this morning with more phone calls...can never seem to get through to some of the places I need to call.  I know Social Security's number by heart.  Everyday there seems to be something I have to do.  I am taking my physician's advice and not returning to work until the end of August...probably not until after the first football game.  This weekend will be busy with the Relay for Life and I also will be going to the celebration of Marc and Marvelyne Engel's wedding reception.
  Today is John and Tabitha's 3rd wedding anniversary.  Life does go on....as lonely as it may feel at times.

    It has been a few days since we returned from our "retreat".  This is something Mark wanted for our family...especially John's children...and we hoped for a time away together to relax, regroup.  I think we found some sense of peace.  I believe we also found that our lives are forever changed by both Mark's life and death.  Each of us continues to struggle with not having him around.  It was not expected to come back home feeling as though things were better than before we left....and each of us continues to struggle with our own understanding of what has happened.
   A particularly trying event happened while we were gone....we lost our very dear friend, Ken Schnurbusch.  He was a wonderful man, and throughout the years has been a pseudo brother of Don's.  Kenny died almost exactly one month to the day that Mark left us.  The Schnurbuschs and DeWalles have shared every life event since we met 30 years ago.  Sharing the deaths of our Mark and Ken.....within one month of each other...has been exceptionally heartwrenching for us.  Ken died and his funeral was held before we came home.  It is probably best.  Ken is buried in the same cemetery as Mark...they remain neighbors eternally.
   Michael and Danny thoroughly enjoyed Uncle Mark's gift of Mickey Mouse.  It was difficult for Donnie after one or two days to enjoy every aspect of Disney World.  Both of us felt drained of the month's past events to truly appreciate the magic of the Magic Kingdom and knew that our old bodies were not able to keep up with John, Tabby and the boys.  We many times felt like we were holding back their fun....and several times chose to sit and watch others and just relax. 
     We are more attuned to the conversations we have with total strangers and why those conversations ever take place. Don and I enjoyed the company of a kind, elderly gentleman from Hungary.  Our conversation with him started because he was wearing a beautiful shirt that had a golf emblem on it.  I asked him (of course thinking of our Mark) if he played golf.  He said "Never, I just like this shirt for some reason."  From there he told us about his life as a liquor salesman in Europe, of his travels and his zest for life.  At the end of our conversation we told him why we were there and he told us with tears in his eyes to be happy, enjoy one another, enjoy our trip and remember our son.  He was so kind.  Don and I walked away and when we turned to look back at him, he was gone.  Three days later we had another conversation that was very unique and one that has stayed with Don and I but I will save that for another time.  We are still trying to sort out how these two people in a crowd of THOUSANDS made the two of us feel as though Mark was watching over us.
     Two special events during our time at Disney World were the result of Tabby's input.  First, Don and I kept the babies for awhile as Tabby and John did some shopping.  We had the boys' silhouettes (sure I spelled that wrong!!)) done.  We had done this very same thing about 20 years ago with two other little boys.  Tabby and John returned with a present for Don and me.....a really neat bobblehead statue of Mickey Mouse...golfing.  It is now in my china cabinet front and center.  The other was when we were having a lovely lunch at the Coral Reef Restaurant at EPCOT.  They have a beautiful floor to ceiling saltwater aquarium that runs the length of the room.  I am sure all of us were thinking about Mark's love of his own aquarium.  The fish were beautiful and it was enchanting to Michael.  During our meal, there was someone calling out for "Michael and Danny....Michael and Danny...you need to come down here."  There, in the aquarium was a scuba diver throwing what looked like confetti and holding a sign "Michael and Danny..Hope you are having a great time at Walt Disney World,  Love, Uncle Mark."  Tabitha knew about this all along as it was arranged by her Aunt Theresa.  It was so very special.
    We enjoyed the brief trip to Nassau and the two days at the beaches.  Mark wanted so bad to go to a beach with "blue water" and he and I spent many hours planning his trip....one that I knew he would never be able to take.  I was so glad that all of us were there.  We have beautiful pictures of John laughing with his boys in Mark's blue water.  Tabitha is probably still mad at me for talking her into riding that banana boat but Mark is probably still laughing. 
      Don quietly dug a hole at the beach and placed his white Mark DeWalle bracelet in it.  He covered it with sand and we cried together as he said "It is where Mark wanted to be.  I will never put one on again."  I will always know where Don's bracelet is, where some of Don's pain was left...and when I think of Nassau and blue water...I will always associate it with Mark.  That one act, that one moment.....that was the entire purpose of the trip for me.
   It has been very hard emotionally for me since we have returned. We immediately wanted to see Mae and convey to the entire Schnurbusch family our feelings of grief and loss regarding Ken.  It is so difficult when we are so struggling with the loss of Mark.  I know that is a struggle that I will have to face each day.  I am so far behind in everything.  So many phone calls to make, things to settle. Emotions to reconcile with.  It is absolutely true what John recalled Friday evening..."Mark said that the hard part would come after he died."  I hope the coming days it begins to get easier...

     I know many of you are aware that we are taking a family retreat this week.  Our nephew, the fool, Jeff, will be staying at our house with Scott Pope taking over for him when Jeff needs to leave town. Don, myself, John and Tabby all need time away to talk about what has happened, how it will affect us forever, and perhaps make plans for our future without Mark.  I have made luggage tags with our names...and Mark's picture on the other side.  He is going with us.
    Don stops by the cemetery every night after work.  Sometimes he comes home and his eyes are watery and red.  I feel so bad that my best friend has sadness inside of him.  He says he goes there to talk to Mark.  I understand that so very much.  Every parent needs time alone with their child..no matter how old that child is or where they happen to be.  Don and Mark had a very special dad/son relationship.  I know he misses Mark's hugs (strange but Mark ALWAYS hugged his dad, most of the time unsolicited by Don.  I would have to beg for hugs from him...but I know he knew this was a way to push my buttons). I know he misses Mark teasing him about everything and giving him friendly insults.  I miss the banter between the two of them.  This usually occurred in the first fifteen minutes of one of them getting home from work..so it is only appropriate that Don feels he needs to go to the cemetery after work.
    I have been to the cemetery about three or four times. Two of those times were to take other people there.  There have been some really spiritual things that have happened that I will tell at a later time....but I really don't have the emotional pull to Mark's grave that Don has.  I just feel that what is in that cemetery is DSRCT....and I do not care to give that cancer anymore of my time.
   Where I do feel Mark's presence and where I do feel I can talk to him is on the computer.  I spend time reading his myspace and facebook and reading his emails.  His friends still write to him and I find that incredible.  I only answered one in Mark's name and she knows who she is....I just felt that she needed to feel his hugs from Heaven as I often do.  So, that special girl, I hope you were not too freaked when you got that myspace email from Mark....he wanted me to send it.
   When Mark was in Memphis I talked more to him through instant messaging than anything.  We paid bills, talked about work, friends, how the family was.....everything...all through instant messages.  Everytime one of his friends emails me, puts a note on the guestbook, sends him a message through myspace, calls me....it is as if Mark is calling me.  Those of you who have corresponded this way either to Mark or to me...you have no idea how much this is helping my healing.
   Yes, I know everyone of Mark's passwords.  I had to...sometimes he didn't feel well enough to sign on to the computer himself.  I know that a couple of his friends know them as well because we all had to sign on for him a couple of times.  I just made sure that I remembered his passwords.  Some of them I made up myself...like the one for his yahoo email.  He trusted me with them but he also I believe knew that I would continue to look up everything after he was gone.  I am getting by so far...because of the people who read this website and those that continue to email me and leave messages.  God Bless you for that help.
   Mark prepared us as best as he could for what life would be like after he was gone.  We had brief, meaningful conversations and I rest better knowing that he knew he would be welcomed into Heaven.  He took many difficult decisions away from us by planning his funeral and where he wanted some of his personal belongings to go.  It is not surprising that he wanted John to make decisions on most things.  I remember when I told him we would have a long obituary for him like we did his grandfather.  When I asked him what he wanted included he said his friends who were already in Heaven, that he loved Don and me, that he wanted his friends not to remember him as "the guy with cancer" and most of all...that he loved John with "all my heart".  John wrote his obituary and I added a couple of things.  As long as I live, I will never be able to match the courage he showed us...nor..as hard as I try...match the devotion he felt towards his brother and his friends.  Mark left us a very special gift...his friends.
    Several of his friends have called or come by this week.  I spoke to Nick Pope on the phone last week after his posting...Scott Pope of course has come by and updated us on the Bachelor Pad (are those guys EVER going to find girlfriends???), our Paul has been by, Lisa and Mandy have called and this evening Jerome Banks called.  And yesterday, Butch came by. 
    Butch spent some time with Don and I. We were so glad to see him but not the least bit amused with the pieces of news that he had.  I am still too mad, too upset and won't bring up certain issues here that Butch is facing right now..  It will take me a long time to understand and get over somethings that he had to tell us....let's just say that for the first time I am glad that Mark was not here for something.  Had he been here Friday.....Mark would have quit his job or would have been fired for mouthing off and throwing golf clubs around.  That's all I will say.
    Ever since Mark came home.....before he came home...on Dec 27th, Butch has been available to us 24/7.  He has become a very very dear friend and Mark thought the world of him.  Anyone who has been around the past six months knows what Butch has done for our family and our son.  Now, Butch is faced with his own family crisis with the health of his father.  We will be there for him and his father...whatever he needs.  This has been a really crappy summer.
  

Thank you to all who have already joined Mark's team.  Michelle will be happy to see so much support so soon.  A couple of people have asked how to join.  Hopefully the following information will help:   

Michelle is presently unavailable and I decided to go ahead and set the team up so that at least everyone can get started.  The link to the team is : http://www.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=191539 and anyone can sign up....doesn't mean you have to be at the event itself but that would be nice.  I know there is to be an even at the Blarney Stone on July 12th...check the entry by Andrew Doss.  Also...Stacy's suggestion for team name was pretty good so the name of the team is:  Mark DeWalle's High Choppas. 

     On July 27 there will be a Relay for Life at Mehlville High School.  Michelle McRoy is going to set up a team online for Mark's memory.  We need help with coming up with a team name.  If you have any ideas...whether you can be there or not...please post it in the guestbook.  There will be more information coming but you can check online at http://www.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=191539 once the team is established.  Please post also in the Guestbook if you would like to participate or for questions.  I think this is really neat that Michelle is going to do this..especially since the event will be at a place where a big part of Mark's heart was.  We will make Mark shine one more time in that football stadium.

     According to some policy at Barnes, they can freeze my vacation time.  That is ok...I still think I will be ready to go back to work the first week of August and that is what I am shooting for.  I am not happy that I don't get a paycheck this month but I no longer feel really angry about it.....it is not the worst thing to happen to me this past month.  One good thing though, instead of going back to work with NO vacation time...I will eventually have time to take off in the coming months.
    We have been busy planning a family retreat and that should be very helpful.  In the long run, I think we are all doing ok.  It is still not set in our minds that Mark just hasn't taken off for Memphis.
     I read in one of the bereavement books that holidays are difficult and I am sure that is going to be true.  It did suggest to make one part of the holiday "Mark's part" and to remember him at every holiday in some special way.  Not that the 4th of July is a huge family holiday....but I did recall Mark taking me to see the fireworks a couple of years ago.  Mom and me decided to go to the JB fireworks.  Don elected to stay home and he really needed some time to himself so that was good.  We stumbled upon Mike, Deb and Mrs. Amelung so it was really special.  I sat waiting for the fireworkds and thought about what part could be Markie's part....and as the fireworks started I figured it out.  Every year, from here on, the "grand finale" of the 4th of July will be Markie sending us love.  The grand finale was fantastic.....and instead of feeling sad...I felt very happy and knew that this moment every year will be Mark.  Next year, as you watch the fireworks...be ready for the final one which will be a message from Mark.
     I have received several cards, emails of people who are thinking about us and sending us their thoughts and good wishes.  We really appreciate it.  I especially want to thank Mark's friends who have been calling, coming over, sending us emails.  They mean so very much to us.  Mark left us some very special gifts in the way of his friends and co-workers.
     Today I have very few business items left to do.  I plan on going to the pool, taking the last of the thank you notes I need to do, and just relaxing.  I have been wanting to do that for a long time. 

     I am feeling a little worn down from all of the "things" that have to be done.  It is a little surreal to be talking to people on the phone regarding accounts, etc. and have to refer to Mark as being deceased. I almost choke when I say those words.  I am feeling stressed over this and the added news that Barnes may not honor the four weeks of vacation I have accrued....because I "have been off so much this year."
     I should know in the morning whether or not they are going to let me have this time I feel I hoped I had coming to me.  Apparently there is a snafu somewhere starting in that I thought six months would be more than enough.  I filled out the forms in January or February when we were told Mark didn't have very long.  I am angry about everything associated with my job right now. I don't know what they think I have been doing for the past six months.
       I am angry that I have to call and notify certain companies that Mark has died.  I am angry I have to fax his death certificate around the country.  The whole thing is getting to be just too much.
I have a certain feeling that Tuesday morning I am really going to explode after finding out what my manager and the Human Resource Department has to say. I will probably feel a whole lot better after I finish this entry.  I am going to need time to think this thing through.
     Paul came over last evening in true Paul style...right in time for dinner.  We were really glad to have the company and we are excited for Paul as he bought his first house. Today I talked to Mandy on the telephone for awhile and she seems to be doing well.  Thank goodness for Lisa and also for Scott Pope for getting me some addresses I needed to complete the thank you notes.  I was able to mail a bunch today and I felt like I actually accomplished something.  Each note is lacking the heartfelt gratitude Don, John, Tabby and myself feel for those who have sent cards, donations, flowers.  We really appreciate everything that made "Mark's time" so magic.
     Don and I stopped in to see Tim at Golf Discount.  It is really comforting to be in the surroundings Mark worked in.   Tim has Mark's Pebble Beach picture hanging in his office.
    Tomorrow we are going to go to the fireworks at Jefferson Barracks.  Just three years ago I was so blue because I wasn't going to get to see any fireworks because I had to work.  It was about 8pm and Mark had left earlier to go "out".  Don was almost asleep and I was left to wait out the two hours before I went into work.  Mark suddenly pulls in the driveway, gets out of his car, and tells me "Let's go"...he was going to take me to see some fireworks.  He drove over to VA Hospital at JB and went through some "restricted" gates.  He nearly was in the cemetery and we had a perfect view of the fireworks.  I asked him why he didn't go with his friends and he told me he was going to go with them the next night.....we sat in this area of VA where no one was supposed to go.  It was the best fireworks for me ever.  I just didn't realize it at the time....but now I do and it is a very special memory.