After tonight, 2007 will be gone.  This hasn't been the best year for us....but it kind of hurts to see it leave.  It was Mark's last year...his very special year.  I cannot think of another time that he was able to convey to his friends and his family how much he loved them....and to hear the same sentiment in return.

I will always remember, as will Don and John, that this entire year was Mark's.  From his first days finding out the cancer was back to when his time of suffering ended June 13th.  Almost every single day in 2007 held some sort of meaning to us.

2008 will continue our days of healing.  Each day we miss him even more than the day before.  We talk about him, do something that is Mark connected every day.  I don't want him to disappear.

Today I spent two hours picking up trash from the outer road..Mark's road.  I do that occasionally and have decided that every New Year's eve I will do the same.  We are hoping to get out there again tomorrow.  Mark loved New Year's Eve....although I know that last year he probably spent the final couple of hours of 2006 in turmoil.  He went downtown with some friends to a hotel.  He had one drink, then went back to the hotel alone because he didn't feel well.

Last New Year's Eve was the first time we could tell something was seriously wrong.  Mark's belly looked bigger, he seemed short of breath.  All who were at John's could sense that Mark was not feeling well.  New Year's Day was the day I measured his belly and discovered that in less than a week, Mark's abdominal girth had grown from 40 inches to 52 inches.  The start of the journey.

We will probably never celebrate New Year's again.  I have very mixed emotions this evening...wanting this horrible year to end....but still knowing that Mark never will see any year past this one.

I have only one plan for the coming year....to try and remember each of the last days as special days.  To try and remember every conversation, every moment that we spent with him.  He was and remains our hero. I learned more about friendship, family, faith in God in six months from Mark than I have my entire life.

Too much happened in 2007.  It was a special year.

Today, one year ago, Mark had his scan....and the next ensuing six months of our trials began.

I have said often in the past year that on this day I will not answer the phone, not get the mail, not go to work.  None of it.  I was going to crawl in bed and put the covers over my head and hide.  Dec 27, 2006 was probably the worst day in my entire life...and I am sure it ranks up there for Don, John, Grandma and everyone else.  The day was even worse than the day Mark died.

Here it is...that awful day.  The weather is very similar...and very conducive to staying under the covers.  But, I have changed my mind.

I now know that today I don't have to worry about scans anymore....nothing more can ever terrorize my Mark again.  Instead, I will remember this day with one simple deadline....by 1pm (the approximate time Mark arrived home), I must have our Christmas tree and inside decorations taken down.  That is what I did the hour I was waiting for him to come home...already knowing the devastating news.  I ripped down decorations, screamed and cried.  Instead, yesterday, I calmly took down our dragonflys...counting each one, remembering each year Mark was with us. 

I will not give DSRCT the satisfaction of hurting us anymore.  The next six months I am going to try and forget the chemo, the scans, Mark being sick.  Instead, I am going to concentrate that I was given the gift of spending almost every minute of the first six months of this year talking to Mark.  We know that he knew he was loved...all of us told him so many times.

Not many mothers get a chance to enjoy their 24 year old son like I did.  It amazes me that although he became dependent upon Don, me and John as well as his friends......he remained a strong willed young man with aspirations, plans and even though he was dying...was committed to his friends.

I know our friends and family our concerned about us today.....and we are so much better than what we thought we would be.  Our Christmas was spent with family and it was very bittersweet...but one of the best ever because each of us was able to tell one another how special, how much we loved each other.

That was our Mark's gift to us....love forever.

To everyone who has looked at this website during the past couple of days and today.....Mark's first Christmas in Heaven, Don, John. Tabby and myself as well as the rest of our family, wish to thank everyone who has taken time from their family to check on ours and send us their strong good thoughts.

We feel it. 

Markie would be proud of us.  We have continued most of our Christmas traditions and perhaps added a few.  There have been a moments of tears.....but not of sadness.  Mostly is it bittersweet thinking of past Christmases.  We were reminded of the special connection Mark had with his cousins and watched the cousins tease and laugh at Grandma's on Sunday.  One thing I waited for did happen....cousins, specifically Kaleb, lying on the middle of Grandma's living room floor.  That's really the last image I have of Markie at Grandma's...the last time he was ever there.  Lying on the middle of the floor with his cousins.  Thank you Kaleb.....you brought Mark back to me very strongly that day.

I told Don that I feel somewhat guilty that I am not as sad, depressed as I thought I would.  Perhaps it is because of promises we made to Mark, perhaps it is because I know where Mark is and who he is spending Christmas with.  Perhaps, as Don says, it is because we miss him everyday...not just today.

In a very short time, our house will be filled with the excitement of our babies. There is probably an obsene amount of presents here for them...perhaps a little over compensation on the part of Grannny and Papa......and I can just see Mark rolling his eyes and saying "Mom, you and Dad spoil them too much."  Not real sure but I do think that is the pot calling the kettle black.

We have been blessed with the presence of Mark through his friends.  Ben Silhavy and his parents, Mark and Debbie, came over Sunday evening with a very special gift...something that will remain in our family for years.  Juliet spent a long time with us also Sunday evening and Don and I were reminded of the many Christmases Mark spent with her.   Our Christmas Eve afternoon was with Scott Pope and Nick Pope.....and Dad enjoyed a few beers with these two.  Scott promises...and I will remind him to keep his promise...that he is to come see  us every Christmas Eve.  I look forward to catching up on lost Christmas presents with him....he knows what I mean.

Last evening our Lisa came to visit.  She brought something special she and Mandy compiled for Michael and Danny.  Mark spent several of the past Christmas Eves late at night going to look at lights and having an early breakafast with Lisa.  I will always always think of Lisa every Christmas Eve.  We love Lisa and taking time from her family to come see us and spend some time with us was very wonderful.

Early this morning I came to look at Mark's site.  Stacy Cox....who has written on this website since the beginning left us a message.,....so very appropriate that she posted.  It reminded me of the many people who have helped us through this year and helped us with our healing.  We still have a long way to go....but with people like this, I know we will continue to grown strong.

A very special message was left by Edward Allen.  His mother, Barbara Allen, was my friend, my mentor.  Almost anything I know, I learned from Mrs. Allen.  He listed an address for the Allen Family Page......go there and read about this incredible family.  There is a huge huge error on the page.....she was not a member of the Barnes nursing team....she was the team.  Mrs. Allen is the person I would call in the middle of the night when my kids were sick.  She taught me so many many things.  She too, lost a young adult son.  We lost Mrs. Allen shortly after Mark's first round of chemo four years ago and her family graced me by allowing me to give her eulogy.  I miss her so much.

Today, we will not forget any of the memories of past Christmases.  We especially will remember last Christmas and Mark loving the moments with his cousins, his brother and sister in law, and commenting so often "Mom, you spoil those kids."  Yes, but Uncle Mark...remember you did too.

Merry Christmas Markie.....we remember.  And we try every single day to keep our promise to you.

Mark told us that he would be ok...he knew that he was going to Heaven.  It would be his family, his friends, that would have the difficult and hardest time.  We try to remember that daily and have armed ourselves with Christmas cards, Heaven trees, and the warmth of love of our family and friends.  This poem with sent to me and I believe that it is quite probable the message Mark would want us to remember this year. 

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

~ by Wanda Bencke
© Copyright 1999:  author contacted for permission to post 12/20/07
www.christmasinheaven.net

Happy Birthday Uncle Mike...the original Uncle Mike.

The closeness of our family I am sure isn't all that unusual...except that when you start combining families, it is often difficult to tell who belongs where. 

My sons grew up believing they had two Uncle Mikes...one my brother, and the other their Aunt Deb's brother.  I know that one summer we were planning to go to Florida to visit Uncle Bob.  Mark thought we were going to Perryville to visit the Schnurbusch's Uncle Bob....Mark just figured that he was his uncle too.  This was even more intensified when Mark thought of Uncle Mike Henderson and Uncle Mike Amelung.  Only one was really his uncle...but it made no difference to Mark...and I know it made no difference to Uncle Mike Amelung.

Today is the real Uncle Mike...Mike Henderson's birthday.  Don and I have always known that Mark was a very big part of Mike's life....and Mike was a very very important part of Mark's.  He also knew and understood his uncle's sensitivity and worried about how Mike would cope with his illness and eventual death.  He left explicit instructions with me that Mike be given his St. Christopher medal after he died.....to remember that he would be with Christopher.

I like that our family doesn't exchange birthday gifts.  Occasionally we will....and Deb A is the best card sender in the family.  This year, I knew that I wanted to give Mike something special...something I knew he would understand.  I wanted him to also have a St. Mark's medal.  He would have a set of medals that would help him remember he had his own angels.

I found the medal a couple of weeks ago.  The notation with it was "Patron Saint of Lawyers".  Isn't that just amazing.  Even those that decide patron saints knew that St. Mark....along with our Mark...would keep Uncle Mike safe.

I, like my son John, have only one brother....and he is special.  Happy Birthday, Mike.

In addition, I have understood that there are many family and friends who do not feel that they can visit Mark's grave.  Don, John and I totally understand.  Yesterday, Don, me, my mom and Mark's Aunt Mary DeWalle decorated my father's grave and Mark's grave.  I took pictures of the little tree on Mark's grave.  I took pictures of his gravestone (which is actually placed at his feet....) and have placed them at the bottom of the "Christmas" page.  I wanted his friends...like Mandy, Michelle and those great guys in Memphis, to be able to see his gravestone.

Don stops by the cemetery almost everyday....he knows when someone has been there.  Tonight he came home happy that the "tree is ok so far".  We knew that someone had been there before we got there yesterday.....there was only one set of footprints in the entire area.  Those footprints went up to Mark's grave and back.  Near the road this person had made a big heart out of footprints and wrote "Hi" in the middle.  No other footprints even close to being around.  We loved the message left in the snow.

Messages in the snow and on Mark's guestbook.....that's what helps us through the day.

I have posted a new link at left that will direct you to pictures of our Christmas tree, the gift Don and I gave each other for our anniversary, and the dragonfly story.

We are feeling much better the past day or two.  I want to thank everyone who called us, wrote messages on the guestbook...and just were there for us this week.  We appreciated Mike and Deb coming over and telling us Markie stories.  We appreciated the understanding of my boss who arranged for me to stay home the evening of the 13th.  We appreciate the thoughts from our friends and family.  Trust me, we felt the hugs.

I think we have all the shopping, wrapping about finished.  I am glad we have the babies to focus on Christmas this year.  They are truly getting excited.  Michael hopes for pirate things and Danny wants a yellow car.  They had fun playing in the snow with their dad...although I think John could have done without snow Saturday evening.

Driving home in the snow Saturday night he was in front of the cemetery where Mark is buried when he was hit by someone who just drove off.  Luckily, John was safe but he was upset and angry.  He was driving Mark's car and we thought it was just to uncanny that this happened in front of the cemetery, nearly in line with Mark's grave.  John didn't even get a good look at who hit him...they just hit him, spun around in a circle, and took off.  The car will be fixed and everything will be just fine.  I reminded John that Mark once had a wreck with his truck...so now they are even.  John said that all he saw were headlights coming at him and was able to get over before he was hit head-on....maybe he had an angel helping him out.

I know that the messages left on the guestbook helped us tremendously.  All of the comments helped us refocus.  I am concentrating on what we had with Mark....not what we don't have because he isn't here.  All of them we read over and over again.  I know the one from Coach Gegg really helped us a lot.  I printed out all of the comments everyday for Don to read....he plans to be the last man standing who knows NOTHING about computers.

We are going to try really hard this week to remember that Mark is still with us.  It is actually the first Christmas that Daniel really understands Santa, presents, reindeer.....and carrying on the DeWalle brother tradition of tormenting one's brother by saying that "he wants a Barbie doll."  How is it that comments made 20 years ago are still being said today by DeWalle brothers?

I remember having a little Apple computer and thought I was so smart saving what I bought for my boys on a floppy disk.  Years later, Mark and John told me that they would pop the disk in to see what they got for Christmas.  Beware John and Tabitha:  DeWalle brothers are crafty and sneaky.

Today was much harder than I would have imagined it would have been.  After all, it is just another day. 

Yet, I found myself early this morning feeling the time slip by.  I was thankfully in my car driving home when it became 8am....six months since Mark's Heavenly tee time.  I could sense the panic, the unbelieveable sadness, before I even left my job.  All day, all I could think about, was "it's now been six months."

I stopped by the cememtery on the way home.  I stood there and looked at the flowers Don and I had placed on Mark's grave.  I read his gravestone over and over.  All I felt was anger, immense sadness, and the now so common realization that I missed our Mark so terribly much.

It just isn't right.  It isn't fair.  We just cannot express how hard it is, especially during this season, that we are without him.  Images of Markie fly through my mind.  Markie as a baby, as a toddler, those funny years when he was just a kid. Some days, those are the hardest images.  Today, the ones that I remember Mark just one year ago...happy, apparently healthy, with big plans.  I am just so sad.  Mark should be here..alll here.  Not just in our memories, not just in spirit...but really here. 

I hope that those who read this website...anyone...will post a message today or tomorrow....or when they read this.  I think Don, John, me and the rest of our family and friends will need those messages right now.

Six months is nothing compared to forever.

Tonight was a very special night.  It was the night of the Mehlville Football Varsity Banquet...an event that for many years our family always looked forward to.  This year, it became a night of recognition for the wonderful group of young men who became the third team to play in the State Finals.  It was also a night that an award was presented that had been discussed with Mark the night before his death.  Mark was pleased that this might take place.  I am sure he was pleased with the manner in which it was carried out...from Scott Pope designing it, to his brother presenting it, to the player, Tyler Krueger, who was the first to receive it.

There wasn't a sound but of John's voice as he gave his speech.  In all the years we have attended banquets, I have never witnessed a standing ovation to an award.  It was quite evident that Tyler's teammates, in the words of Mrs. Ghormley, "got it" and agreed that Tyler was deserving of the honor.  We watched and listened as Tyler's teammates patted him on the back and as Tyler passed around his award.  We spoke briefly with Tyler's parents afterwards and they expressed to us that they did not know Mark, but were so proud that Tyler had been chosen. It was special.  I know Mark would be pleased.

John gave me his speech.  I am taking a chance (forgive me John for not getting permission first)  and posting it here.  At first, I thought I would keep it for our Mark book....but I am hoping that underclassmen who are and will be Panther football players will read this some day.  I cannot imagine another way to convey to others what the meaning of this award is supposed to be.  Soon, I will make a link for the award and keep a yearly posting of recipients.

It was a very emotional night for many of us.  Not only was Mark's award presented, but Coach Heyde announced that he had coached his last Panther football team.  It will take me some time to collect my thoughts on this matter, discuss it with Don, before I am able to post our feelings about Coach.  It goes without saying that he was probably the most influential person in our son's lives.....so it will be discussed more later when I can do it right.

In the meantime...this is what the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Medal is all about as John presented it.

I have always been proud to have been a Mehlville football player.  It is one of the things that I have always held close to my heart.  It is truly a brother hood.

Many of you know of my brother, Mark.  My brother loved Panther football more than anyone I have ever known.  When he was in grade school and junior high, he used wait under the goal post to catch the PATs.  In little league, he wore the number of his favorite Mehlville Football player. From the time he was 11 years old, Mark never missed a Panther football game.

Mark was a varsity starter from his sophomore year on.  He holds the record for the most consecutive varisty starts in Mehlville football history.  He unselfishly switched positions many times to help make the team better:  he played Quarterback, Fullback, Tight End, Center, Outside LB, Inside LB and Guard.  Mark understood that a committment to something bigger than oneself is more rewarding than personal accolades.  He was a member of the 1999 State Championship team.  He was a team captain.  He was awarded the Most Valuable Offensive Lineman and the Most Valuable Linebacker award at his varsity banquet.

I remember when he had an interception at a freshman Lindbergh game.  I remember his first varsity start.  I remember him as a sophomore intercepting a pass at a Parkway West varsity game.  I also remember him intercepting cancer just four years ago.

During the course of his illness, he fought hard.  He was quiet about his fight but never quiet about where he learned to fight.  He repeatedly said that it was what he learned as a Panther football player that gave him the strength and the skills to fight his biggest game.

Mark believed that anyone who played Panther football was his brother.  Mark loved his teammates.  He knew that future Panthers would be part of his destiny.  He wanted others that followed him to appreciate what Panther football really has to offer:  life skills to meet any challenge.  When you walk off of the field for that last time in a Mehlville uniform...win or lose...with tears in your eyes...you are men.  You have the knowledge, the tools and the know how to meet any challenge head on, unafraid.  You understand committment and dedication not just to yourself, but to others.

He wanted his future brothers to undersand the importance of knowing one's body.  He wanted his future brothers to remember that they will always be a team.  When you walk out of here tonight, you are still connected to one another.  Mark wanted that connection to be forever.

You will always be teammates.  Remember to be there for each other.  Remember your connections do not end here.  When one of you goes into any kind of battle..know in your hearts that your Panther football brothers are with you.  Seek them out...they will be there for you.

Juniors, your season is not over.  Your senior season is just starting.  Keep each other safe, keep each other close to your heart.  Know when you see each other in the halls...that the brotherhood of Panther football spirit is there.  It is unspoken..yet you will feel it.  Nurture it.  Stay a team.  Work out together.  Set goals for one another.  But most of all, be there for one another.  That's what builds a team.  That's what strengthens brotherhood.  That's what makes us Panthers.  It is something you won't find at Oakville, Kirkwood, Lindbergh or anywhere else.  It is what makes us unique...and that is something Mark always knew.

Hours before Mark died, he requested that Coach Heyde come to see him.  I know he wanted to hear from Coach that he had done all he could, had fought the good fight, had played his hardest and that he left it on the field.  I think too, Mark wanted Coach to know how much he respected him...and how much he loved him.  And Coach, at 11:30 at night, was there for one of his players at the very end.

Mark died June 13th with his State Championship Medal on him.  He wanted this medal placed on him because I believe, he felt it represented his coaches, his teammates.....and this program.  Some of his very last thoughts were of Mehlville football.  He wanted his teammates and coaches with him at the end.  He also requested that he have on the FCA Courageous Heart Medal he had been awarded several years ago.

Mark's greatest fear was that people, especially his coaches and teammates, would think he was a quitter.  This has never been the case.  With the support of Coach Heyde, the Boosters, our family wishes to award a very special medal starting this year.  It is a medal to honor that player who best exemplifies the understanding that what you take from the Panther Football program are not just district titles, team and personal stats....but the understanding that you now have the tools to meet any challenge that comes your way throughout your life.

Mark was without a doubt the most courageous person I have ever met.  When he was awarded the FCA Coruageous Heart Medal, it meant a lot to him, a lot to my family.  On his medal, it says "Strong to the Finish."  This was an appropriate term for my brother's life.  It is an appropriate term for the first recipient of this award.

This year's recipient is the first to receive this award.  Through discussions with players, teachers, parents and coaches, I am honored and pleased that this player is the first recipient.  Continue to develop, continue to grow strong, continue to use the skills and the loyalty you learned as a Panther.  Continue to be there for your brothers.  Keep yourself safe and healthy.

On behalf of the coaches, the Boosters and my family, I wish to present this year's Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award to a player who best exemplifies the spirit of this award....Tyler Krueger.

The wedding was beautiful.  Mary made a beautiful bride. 

I looked so forward to the wedding.  I was totally unaware of what my feelings would be for this wedding...the first we have attended of Mark's friends since his death.  This one was special because he was there when Mary and Scott first started dating.

After reading Shelley's brother-in-law's note that was posted a little over a week ago, I was worried that feelings of envy would erupt. They didn't.  I was just so happy for Scott and Mary that it never occurred to me to feel anything but happiness and love for them.  I so enjoyed seeing all of our girls looking so pretty as bridesmaids.  I want the very best for Mark's friends and I know he was there with them throughout the activities.

I think Don and I did pretty well.  It was so good to spend time with Gwen and John Houska and I finally got to meet little Michelle's parents as well as Jessica's.  I really got a kick out of Courtney walking around in high heels and wearing a "fur" wrap.  She looked like a little girl playing in her Mom's dress up clothes...she was just so cute.  I was so happy to meet Mary M's fiancee and I reminded him several times how lucky of guy he is.  Our Lisas..both of them..were stunning.  Lisa Tretter is very special in our hearts and I am so glad that we have had several chances to visit with her over the past several weeks.

I did fine...until the mother-son dance.  One could tell how much Scott loves his mom.  As he danced with her and I thought about what a special moment, it dawned on me.  I will never dance with Mark at his wedding.  I gave away my mother-son dance when John got married to my mother.  I don't regret that.  Yet, the realization that I will never dance with Mark at his wedding was just too overwhelming and I had to walk out of the reception.  Don knew immediately what I was feeling and why.  I walked it off...had a good cry...and decided that at the next wedding, I would think about not the dance....but that I know that my son loved me.  I think that is what the dance is all about anyway.

I am so thankful that Mary and Scott invited Don and me to their wedding.  We had so much fun but most of all....it was so nice to see  his friends so happy.  That's what Mark wanted..his friends happy and to take care of one another.

That in itself, is my dance.

May Mary, Queen of Scott's...have a fairytale marriage.

I didn't watch Oprah's show about "One More Day".  It was on but I couldn't watch it.  It is about the book in which a man has one more day with his deceased mother.

I know pretty much what I would do if I had one more day with Mark...I would hug him, and then watch him interact with his Dad, his brother, his friends and all of his family.  I would just watch.  I would tell him again how much I loved him, loved being his mom...and wonder if he thought we were honoring our promises to him.

There is nothing that was left unsaid to him when he was here.  He left us knowing how we felt, how proud we were, and how we were going to miss him.  I get signs from him...at least that is how I perceive them...and I know he is ok.  We are the ones that struggle with his death and he told us very point blank that this would be the case.

I wouldn't wish for one more day with Mark.  I would wish for another Mark lifetime.  One more day just wouldn't do it.

This past week was busy with work, and catching up with sleep.  Yesterday Don and I spent the day at my mom's trying to get more done on her kitchen.  We promised we would have it done by Christmas and we just may be able to make good on that promise.

This week we look forward to going to Mary Biehl and Scott Sturdevant's wedding.  Such good, long time friends of Mark's.  His friends have been wonderful to Don and me.  We have had visits, phone calls, letters.  Every single time that one of Mark's friends contacts us.....we feel Mark.  I don't know that his friends understand how much that means to all of us.

I got a very nice card last week from Maura.  Mark always always said he was going to "try and stop in Cape to see a friend" and I knew who that friend was.  I think most of the time he was pressed for time and didn't stop, yet I cannot remember a single trip between Memphis and St. Louis when he didn't mention her.  I carried her card with me for many days....I took it to work and read it many times when I needed a boost.  Last week was a fairly good week for me and I know Maura's letter is what helped that along.

I was equally moved by the message posted from Shelley's brother-in-law.  I do not know the Meilink family as well as Mark did and have never met Charlie nor do I even know what Shelley's sister's name is.  Every single sentence in Charlie's note said so much.  I think it is a testament to what Shelley meant to everyone that her brother in law posts a message that is honest yet shows she was special to him personally.  The link on this website about a "Special Angel" was done by Mark...the only one he did by himself.  Every other page on this link he gave me his suggestions and what he wanted...but the link on Shelley was all his.  And he left me with this one directive:  never ever take Shelley's down and never ever change it.

Mark's website has now over 46,000 hits.  Ok..maybe 10,000 of those are mine from reading the posts over and over again.  More than half of these hits have come after Markie died.  I know that when many things are googled..such as DSRCT, Mehlville Football, and the names of Mark's friends who died before him, Mark's website is one of the first to come up.  Don and I plan never to take this website down because in times of feeling low....it gives us boosts from the people who continue to write notes....and we know those moments are going to last forever.

This morning my babies are coming to play here.  They are not really babies anymore...Michael is 5 and Daniel will be 3 next month.  Although I know Michael isn't thrilled with my lack of Christmas decorations, he does seem to understand that our white tree is our "Heaven Christmas tree" and we have talked about how lucky Mark is to be able to spend Christmas with Jesus.  Danny remembers Mark as well...telling us that "this is Mark's car" or that we moved Mark's bed to the "wrong wall".  My Christmas hope is that they are still talking about Mark ten, twenty years from now.

I know that Tabby and John have been busy talking with Santa's elves and getting things ready at their house for Christmas.  No one loves Christmas and all the hoopla more than Tabby and John.  Their tree is beautiful and they have lights and decorations all over and in their house.  They are trying very hard to make this season happy for Don and me, and we love them so very much.

I am trying to concentrate on the fact that this will be the first Christmas in four years that I do not have one thing to worry about:  CT scans.  Every year since 2003 I have always had a feeling of doom somewhere deep inside because there was always a scan around or immediately after Christmas.  It pains me to think that this was always in the back of Mark's mind as well.  So, instead of designating Dec 27 as the day I crawl into a hole and be depressed, I am going to use a little bit of cognitive thinking therapy and rejoice on that day....because even though that was one of the worst days of my life...it also signified what I had felt for several years.  The cancer was going to come back and take our Mark.  Last Christmas was a wonderful day spent with John, Tabby, Mark and the boys.  Don and I will remember it well and fondly...not as Mark's last Christmas, but one of his best.

I have been busy gathering addresses to send out Christmas cards.  This is something that I usually don't do.  The time, the cost, etc...and I know people just don't send them out much anymore.  However, this year, it has given me time to reflect on the good people who have supported us.  I have gone through every card and have attempted to find every address of everyone who has been there for us.  If you don't get a card from me.....it is because I don't have your address.  Some, I am just guessing at. 

Instead of holiday heartaches and not having Mark....we are trying to make this an extra special Christmas.  Oh...there have been and will be tears...but we have promises to keep.

Keep posting messages for us....we need them so much right now so that we can stay focused and remember.