Today is our 31st wedding anniversary.  I remember working extra hours while studying for finals to come up with enough money to pay for an inscription in Don's ring.  I know that years of laying brick have worn the inscription off but I still remember what it said:  "Forever".

Forever now has a different meaning to us.  It still means that we are committeed to one another...forever, yet that word to me now means that forever is a long time without Mark.

The State game was wonderful.  Do not pay any attention to the score.  We didn't come out the winners of that game....but our Panthers played better than anyone can imagine.  They gave us a wonderful evening of exciting Panther football.  That is one special team.  The spirit of the students was so much fun to watch.

Danny, Michael, Tabitha and her parents came to the game.  It was the first time for the boys to be at the Dome...and appropriately enough it was to watch a Mehlville football team play (OK, also to get some cotton candy).  It just was too much fun.

We got to see some old friends as well.  Lisa Derleth-Tillitt and her husband brought baby Braden.  Braden was born just days before Mark died.  I remember showing Mark his newborn picture and Mark said "a little pudgy" and grinned. (He also said Braden was cute but wasn't surprized because his mama was cute too).  At the 1999 game, Lisa's parents sat in front of us.  I am sure her parents are still having trouble hearing after being the brunt of my yelling and cheering.  This time, their grandson will be one of the people I will most remember from this state game.

Lisa and Reggie had Braden dressed up in Panther spirit.  Braden's shirt had a panther on the front, panther paws running down the sleeves, and "DeWalle 66" on the back.  It meant so much that they did this. Friendships are forever....a good forever...and it warms my heart that Lisa made sure that Mark was there with the rest of them. 

I put up our Christmas tree yesterday. It looks like Heaven to me...all white.  24 dragonfly ornaments representing all of Mark's Christmases with us.  I am not taking down the other ornaments we have used for years. They are just too painful for me to go through this year.  I am determined that we will have a wonderful holiday season....we will make new memories and remember the old ones as well.

Last year, Mark put up our Christmas lights.  Saturday, when I came home from shopping with Tabby, our Christmas lights were up.  Don McAllister (Tim's dad) had come over and hung lights on our house.  What a wonderful, thoughtful thing to do.  I don't think we would have had lights this year and this simple act of kindness from the McAllister family really kicked us into the Christmas spirit.  Don and my husband went to grade school together and it is just such a special thing that Mark and Tim were good friends.  When I see the lights on our house, I do not think back to the last time they were hung.....I think of friends and giving.

Forever is going to be a long time.  With the kindness of friends, we will be ok.

Thanksgiving turned out to be wonderful.  New memories can be made even if they are linked to the old.

When I got off work Thursday morning, I drove out to Debe's house.  I slept only two or so hours all day long............and luckily I found out later that evening around 7pm that I did not have to back into work that night!!   Yet, that isn't our memory.

Time with family, time for sharing, time for remembering.  Just a few little tears.  It was so good to be with my sisters, brother and mom and know that they too were missing Mark. Yet, for the majority of the time, Don and I were circled with the laughter of our niece and nephews. 

Don and I gave each family a special gift to remember Mark by.  John, Tabitha, Don and I also received a special gift that day.

John had a last minute errand to run for Tabitha early Thursday morning.  As he drove past Park Lawn Cemetery, he was drawn to turn in and go to Mark's grave.  John told us that when he came to the section that Mark's grave is located in, he could tell that Mark's flowers, cross had been disturbed.  He was somewhat upset over this and got out of his car to see what had happened....and once he got to Mark's grave he saw it.  Mark's gravestone had been placed.

The stone wasn't there Monday.  It wasn't there Tuesday.  We were told it wouldn't be in until December.  But here, our first holiday without Mark....his stone suddenly appears.

It is beautiful.  When Don and I went to the cemetery later that day.....it was the only time we really cried the entire day.  Such a beautiful marker that John designed.  Simple, dignified and yet holding many messages for our family.

We will always remember that it was on Thanksgiving that his grave was finally marked.  A certain finality, yet a definite declaration that Mark is in Heaven, and that he fought to the finish.

I miss you baby boy.  We are so thankful to have had you in our lives.  You have marked us forever.

John and Tabby, as you are busy preparing your home and banquet for tomorrow, And as Barb is working the holiday, I thought I would surprise you all and post this Thanksgiving Blog.  (Whatever a blog is)

 

I give thanks for my older son John and his wife Tabby – and for having Jesus in their life comforting and supporting them thru these months of grief.

I am thankful I am a grandpa.

I give thanks to my wife, who is accepting of her messed up schedule and going into work, instead of making up some kind of excuse not to go in, as hard is that is going to be; I am so proud of her.

I give thanks for all the support of every single one of our other family members, being there for a hug, a laugh, or a quiet moment that I share with them – knowing we are thinking about the same thing, knowing they understand and feel part of the hurt I still do.

Happy Anniversary Barb.  After 31 yrs – my love for you is ever stronger.

Love,

Don

We are still so excited about our Panthers going to state.  Some of us really feel that there was an angel out there making sure our champion Panthers made it to the Dome. 

Saturday was the "Superbowl" football championship game for Frankie's son, Grant, and Desi K.'s son, Desi's team.  Frankie told me Saturday that he went to visit Mark's grave and hoped that Mark would be there in spirit for the team.  Grant wears Mark's #66.  I had trouble finding the football field in Crystal City and by the time  I did....the game was over.  But the celebrating was not.  Grant and Desi's South County Tigers were the winners. 

I know that Mick thinks Mark is having something to do with the success of Mizzou.  I must say, Mark has played more football this weekend than he had since he got out of high school.

If you think otherwise...don't say anything to any of the DeWalles.  We believe in angels.

John and I were discussing all of this as we were doing a project at his house.  John laughingly said "I wish he would help me win the lottery, too."  I reminded John that this was NEVER going to happen because of the mean trick he played on Mark a number of years ago.

During one of Mark's sessions as an employee of Tee Time (remember, he was fired three times by Fish Man Paul Choe!!), Mark had purchased a number of lottery tickets. He was so sure he was going to win.  Behind his back, John wrote down all of the numbers on the lottery tickets.  Sure enough, Mark asked that one of us call him with the lottery numbers to him at Tee Time.  I can only imagine Mark's face as John read him the numbers he had earlier written down to Mark over the phone.....for a few moments Mark thought he was rich.  Let the Panthers go to State.....but sorry, big brother.....no lottery for you.  You blew it a few years ago with that mean trick.

Mark was rich, though.  Richer than most any of us will ever be.  I got to be a little rich myself Saturday.  During the morning I spent it with my son, John.  Then I got to see Frankie beaming, near tears, over his son's championship.  Then I spent some time with the best looking bachelors in South County...Raj, Gene, Johnson and Pope....(looks in no particular order). It was a cool day and I was happy.

Sunday was John's birthday.  A very special day.  A fun day.  A day that was spent with two precious little boys...and perhaps a thought or two of a very special brother.

Magic.....maybe even a little Mogey Magic.

Congratulations to everyone associated with our favorite football team....our Mehlville Panthers are headed back to the Dome next Friday after winning the semifinal game at Pattonville Friday night.

We are so excited.  Coach Heyde and the Panthers deserve to be there.  They worked hard all season and for them to be back at the Dome meeting up with Rockhurst again is just too much magic for me to comprehend.

I know Mark is beaming in Heaven that his "little brothers" will enjoy the excitement that comes from succeeding and meeting a goal.  I just find it magical that it is this year that they are going back...Mark's year.  

Just one year ago Mark was at the CBC-Mehlville semifinal game.  I can't help but think that he wasn't with his brother at this semifinal.  I am sure John felt his presence. 

It was the first semifinal game I didn't go to.  I started on insulin (told you my bloodwork would be awful!!) and didn't feel well at all last night.  I was worried I would be sick at the game and everyone knows how I hate to drive on 270 at night.  So, I waited at home.  John was going to call and give us updates.  I waited...no news was bad news.  Finally, when John called and asked if I was going to be off next Friday....I knew that the magic was continuing.

I wouldn't have been able to handle it anyway.  Last week was just too emotional for me....I wanted so much for the Panthers to go all the way.  I wanted that magic of 1999 to continue on.

If Mark had anything at all to do with all of this...I know it was for his brother, his team, and also for his coaches.  I know that the coaches are the best in the state and some of their mothers are very good looking.  I know from experience that these are special coaches...their players are more than just players to them.  I know that my sons became better men because of them.

I can't help but feel that the magic in that goalpost may have had something to do with it all.

The past week was long.  I didn't accomplish much of anything and really wanted to do so much.  Some days I have more energy than others.  Yet, like every other day....an hour doesn't go by that I don't think of Mark or what this year has meant to our family.

I picked up Mark's Courageous Heart Medal last week.  It is beautiful.  He would have been so pleased with this entire project.  It makes my heart feel so good knowing that the one thing that made him cry....that others may remember him as being a quitter....won't happen.  He will be remembered for his courage.  He will be remembered for not the way he died, but the way he lived.

I have not been to the cemetery for awhile. Don, of course, is still stopping by everyday.  He said the grass is growing well.  Mark's stone should be in place in a couple of weeks.  John didn't order it until September.  He chose a simple, unadorned stone.  We wanted Mark's death minimalized and his life maximized.  John selected something that will be truly Mark...and those that see his stone will understand what kind of person he was and what he meant to all of us.

Through discussions with Don, I have come to realize that it is not only the holidays which may seem challenging to us....but we are quickly running out of "Mark time".  In less than six weeks, we will never be able to say again "One year ago, Mark was playing golf...or driving to his store...or going out with his friends."  In six weeks the anniversary of that awful day when we found out his cancer was back will be upon us.  I don't think it is Thanksgiving or Christmas that is the cloud I feel hanging over us....it is December 27th.  From that day forward, it will be all about Mark's sickness to me. 

Today, it is exactly five months since Mark's death.  It feels like yesterday because the lump in my throat has never gone away.  It also seems like years ago because of the forced normalcy we have to try and live in.  I think we have made progress and look for adjustments that will make us continue on.  I don't think we are depressed.  I think we are just incredibly sad that he isn't here....or that we can't call him.

I think he would have been a little disgusted with me this week.  I set out with good intentions to do some writing, pay some bills, clean my house, work outside and pick up trash along his street. I did nothing.  I have to try to do better.  I promised him. 

The babies make a lot of difference for us.  I know they do for John and Tabitha as well.  They are a special gift and they distract Don and I and make us laugh.  John has been incredibly supportive and it is unfair that he has all this responsibility.  Mark's friends, however, are pitching in this regard.  We enjoyed spending time at the football game with the usual crew.  It was so much fun to sit in the Panther stands with Lisa Tretter.  I have been to about 30 football games with Lisa....but never sat in the stands with her.  She was always down in front with Mandy jumping up and down doing Panther cheers.  Jared flew in and it was really nice to see him.  Mark's girls have very good taste in men.  As an extra bonus...Tracy also was there... and I could swear she was a Pantherette at one time.  They were all excited about Lisa Derleth's wedding on Saturday. 

Sometimes Mark shows up in the strangest of ways.  I remember a SLUH - Mehlville football game a number of years ago.  There was another one Friday night.  Within the first five minutes or so, the Panthers scored two touchdowns and one safety all at Mark's goalpost.  I couldn't help but look at the goalpost and think the magic there had something to do with it all.  At one point, Don had the strangest look on his face...he said he saw someone who looked "just like Mark."  I even went down to the front of the crowd to try and see who he was talking about.  I couldn't find anyone that looked like Mark.  I think Mark may have just wanted his dad to see him.

To think that once we win this coming Friday night that the Panthers will be back at the Dome playing Rockhurst...well, it is just too much Mogey Magic for me.  Any year but this one wouldn't mean as much as this season does now.

Last evening, Raj came over and spent a lot of time with Don and me.  We talked a long time about Mark, about how we were feeling, how we were coping but what was more important to us was the message we felt coming from Raj.  He came over simply to see how we were doing and emphasized to us that we all needed to talk about what happened and how important Mark was to his friends and his brother. I have various avenues, including this one, to express myself.  Don's choices are more limited.  I know Don needed to talk with someone other than John and myself.  Mark truly enjoyed the friendship he shared with Raj and others.  Something inside me said that Mark sent Raj over to "check on the folks."  Same thing when Lisa came over a week ago and Tom Ludwig came by on Halloween.  I know that it is Mark's spirit of friendship that still exists that brings these people to us.  So many nights we are alone.  So many nights we miss the car doors, the front door opening, and just the good fun that John and Mark's friends brought to this house.  It was very reassuring to Don and I that Raj had been talking to Gene, Scott and Johnson about Mark, about John, and about us and felt compelled to come over and talk with us.  He may be a college math professor....but he was a wonderful grief therapist last night.

I am expecting a long week.  Don answered the phone today while I was gone and it was my doctor calling to say I needed to call her and see her about my bloodwork.  Knew that I wasn't going to pass the blood tests with flying colors.  I am sure there will be some major adjustments this week and I am not looking forward to it.  If I do nothing else on Tuesday, I will call my doctor.
For those of you who have been wondering...the aquarium is doing great. We bought a new skimmer last week for it and the water has never looked better.  Mark was right, it was going to take me awhile but I am slowly figuring out how to maintain it.  I replaced the two clown fish and have a pretty Coral Beauty fish...have had these three since I killed almost everything by accident in July (Mark warned me that would happen)...but I still have the scallop, the serpent star fish and a new urchin.  We have tried some coral but we aren't having a whole lot of luck there...although we do have one or two that are hanging on.

I also still do not have Thanksgiving worked out.  I am hoping this week that something happens that I will be able to have a holiday with everyone.  But that is two weeks away and I can only do one day at a time.

I am going to try and remember the promises I made to Mark and do better this week. I am also going to try to at least write more here....even if I don't work on his book.  It isn't that I don't have things to say.....I just don't have the energy to complete anything.  It isn't only Mark that I have to keep going for....I have someone who is turning 29 this weekend who I know at times needs a mom for something.

This evening I looked and the number of hits to this site has dwindled. For those of you who still check in.....thank you so much.  Don and I still need everyone.  The hard part of the year is coming quick.

I know it is early to start planning for Christmas but I eagerly grabbed the suggestion that Kris Heyde gave me and bought a small tree to put on Mark's grave.  I also bought little angel ornaments.

I am putting names on the ornaments. Names of his family and his friends.  After Christmas, I will take them back and string them into a garland for our home tree next year.  Each year I will do a different ornament for his little tree.

There will be special angel ornaments for Don, me, John, Tabby, the boys and Grandma.  Several have already signed their ornaments.  Lisa took a couple of packs to get some of his friends to sign.

If anyone would like their name on an angel...please leave a note for me in the guestbook.

I know it is early.....but it makes me happy to do work on this.

I haven't worked since last Monday...took a few days off and I am beginning to think that maybe I do better when I am kept busy and don't have so much time to think.  I spent several hours picking up trash on Mark's section of Kinswood....three bags full and I am not even halfway done.  I have had several people say they would help and may think about having anyone interested meet me there over the next weekend.  I will let everyone know if we decide to do this. 

I still don't have anything worked out for Thanksgiving and am going to try and keep it out of my mind for the week.  It just upsets me so much.

Thursday I met with what I call the Angel Moms.  It was a wonderful, yet emotionally exhausting evening spent with some really special people.  Gwen was a wonderful hostess and did a wonderful job of creating a setting for what she described on the invitation as one of "caring and sharing."  That in itself is a perfect description of what the evening was...caring and sharing.

I am very sure there have been people who think to themselves "will she EVER stop talking about what happened to Mark!".  I know now that the feelings I have, the constant thoughts about him, the holiday apprehensions.....they are all normal and perhaps will last a very long time.  I so sincerely appreciated everything these moms shared.  I admire the moms who have been without their loved one for many years.  I appreciated the one mom so much who said that for now on everything will be :  this happened before Mark died, this happened after Mark died.  I know that my life will forever be based upon this one event.  Several of these moms have been unwittingly role models for me for the past year.  Not only did I want to be a survivor of all that has happened...but I also wanted to feel that I belonged within a group of moms that Mark so admired. 

What struck me after the third mom told her story....was that this all is so totally unfair.  Each one of their stories was one that should never have to be told, never have to be written.  It is such a waste that the ten women there...were even there.  This should not have been a group of women grieving the loss of one of their children...it should have been an evening of fun.   Yet, every day since then, I have thought nothing but of what these women shared, and how much they helped me.  It was the first time in awhile that I have been with some people who I knew didn't care if all I talked about was Markie...and how sad I am that he is not here. 

Don was still awake when I got home...very unusual for him to be awake at 10:30 at night.  I knew that he wanted to know what was said, what I learned.  We talked for quite awhile.  He mentioned that he wished there were Angel Dads as well.  It is very hard for Don to talk about Mark without crying.  He wishes he could get beyond Mark being sick....when he thinks of him, dreams about him, he says Mark is bald and is sick.  At least when I close my eyes....I see Markie as he was during the summer and fall of 2006.  I don't picture him in the last days. 

Don goes to the cemetery almost everyday.  I know he was there several times last week.  On Friday, he noticed someone walking around the area of Mark's grave.  It was Mike Amelung...whom my boys refer to as "Uncle Mike".  They always had two Uncle Mikes...the real one and the one that was Jeff and Mick's.  Don was so pleased to see Mike there and it meant an awful lot to the two of us.  I did not know that Don was there on Saturday, not until Lisa Tretter came by to visit with us....she saw Don there.

For me, the cemetery holds just a little bit of a draw.  I am interested in looking at the things his family and friends have left.  I just don't feel that he is there for me.....just that damn cancer.  For me, his tombstone should be at that goal post at the football stadium at Mehlville....and I thank John and Tom Ludwig for making that happen.

We really enjoyed our visit with Lisa.  I am not quite sure how we would have made it through those months without her. I am pretty sure I still owe her for some groceries when I sent her out with my debit card that was overdrawn.  Lisa, among others, was an angel to us.  Mark adored her.  He spent the last Christmas Eves late at night with her.

One thing that Lisa didn't say...but did say...was something I have heard before.  She said that she and Mark became close after high school and that our house for her is where Mark was when he was sick.  She cannot get out of her mind that Mark is not in that back room...the room where he died.  I also heard the same from others.  I cannot afford to move, and painting or changing the room is not going to change what happened in there.  I am so pleased that Lisa, even though she may have felt that way from time to time, still came over to see Don and me.  I hope she does forever.  I promised her that at some point...we wouldn't rehash everything that has happened in the past year....that our connection to her will be OUR connection and not because of Mark.  It tears me up to think that maybe some of Markie's friends won't come by, won't come in, because they don't want to be reminded of how those last weeks were for Mark in that back room.  It makes me feel very lonely.  It hasn't been the first time I have heard it, and it isn't the first time I have cried because of it.

The past couple of days have been filled with angels.  Lisa coming to visit, the Angel Moms, and perhaps the neatest angel moment of the week that happened Sunday morning.  Evan Gartner was christened.  Mark was so excited for Susie and Scott when he learned they were expecting.  We always say that Evan was a used baby...that Mark played with him before he ever got to Scott.  What made this christening special for Don and me....was that Scott and Susie honored Don and me by using the christening gown that I had made for John and Mark.  Mark was the last to wear it until today....and Evan looked so sweet in it.  I have posted a picture at left.  I didn't think anyone would ever wear it again.  I remember spending so much time making it....I wanted to have a beautiful christening gown for my baby (John) and my grandmother helped me finish it.  I know that Markie was looking down, pleased with everything.  That baby has the best guardian angel.

This posting is much too long...I cannot go days and not post anything.  There is more to tell....but I am so emotionally spent right now.

God Bless Evan.