The roads are icy and schools are called off...even Mehlville!!  Yet, today I have to go to Walmart or somewhere that has printing cartridges for my printer.

I started reading the guestbook entries I was able to save last fall.  I didn't realize until that time that the guestbook only archived the first 500.  The ones I was able to save start June 4, 2007, two or three days after we brought Mark home for good.

I started writing Mark's story several months ago.  I wanted a written record of what happened during those six months.  I wanted to be able to put down my thoughts, our fears, and record some of the wonderful things that did happen during that year.

In the book, I want to include every blog I wrote, but even more importantly, every guestbook entry.  I started reading and tried copying and pasting the entries into my narratives, but it just doesn't formulate well.  So, I have decided to print out the guestbook and retype every single entry that has been made.

For June 4th through June 9th, that so far is going to be 27 pages.  There are so many more to print out.

Many of the entries I don't even recall reading, although I know we read every single one over and over again.  These first entries I was able to save...are so very precious.  Some of the people I don't even know, yet they strongly conveyed their feelings during Mark's last days.  What a treasure.

I have learned that once you write something and put it into a different perspective, it makes difficult situations more clear.  I want to get this part of Mark's life in a form that I can, our entire family can, retrieve, remember and perhaps heal by.  I want to be able to answer questions Michael and Daniel may have. 

But most of all, I want to remember every single person who reached out to us.

Every single guestbook entry from June 4th until the end of time will be included.  You are part of our story.  You are a large part of our healing.

I remember.

     In response to the post asking about Melissa....I talked to her a few days ago (through email) and she says that things are going pretty well and she is getting a good response from her chemo.  Hopefully, she will see that people are asking about her and post something.  I know many people are concerned about her.

     Have three straight nights of 12 hour shifts.  Today/tonight will be the worst...but within 48 hours I will be off for a few days together and hopefully will be able to get some things done.

     I have cleaned out and saved all my computer files and the next thing on my list is to get back to working on "Mark's book".  I have reread what I have written so far and it is pretty amazing to look back and realize all of what we have been through. 

     What I have thought about all week has been Mark's friends and how important they were to him.  I appreciate the postings from everyone and was thrilled to see Mike Gilb and Julie Randolph had signed in.  I know many have signed the Buddy Map and all of this reminds me that Mark hasn't been forgotten.

     This past weekend when John and Tabby were here, we discussed several things in relation to putting Mark's death in the right place.  I mentioned how writing his story, compiling a book for us was helpful.  I told them that I realized that I never will find "closure" to all of this and will forever be unsettled, sad and lonely for him.  I keep looking for some activity, something that will bring closure but am resigning myself that it will never exist.

    Tabitha said that we weren't the ones who really need it.  The one person who needed closure with everything was Mark....and he found it.  Although he wasn't happy that he had cancer, he accepted it.  He embraced it on his own terms.  He told us he wanted to go home, so that he could be with his family, sleep in his own bed, see his dog.....and have his friends come by to tell him goodbye.

   Friends.....that is what helped Mark, that is what helped us.  And they continue to help with all the postings that are made on this website.

   I remember about a year ago Mark met Julie.  He adored her.  I think he had one date in 2007...if it can even be called a date.  He was feeling pretty good one day and decided to go out.  Around 2am he wasn't home and I was concerned.  He had little energy reserve and hadn't been out in months so I did what most of you know I always did....I called him.  He didn't answer...Julie did.

    Many of you met Julie.  She was his absolute favorite nurse.  She took excellent care of Mark. She was a very very special person.  I know that he spent one more night in the hospital his last stay because he knew Julie would be there that night. 

    I am completely off track now in my mind because after I started typing this story I realized that I forgot something.   I cannot remember Mark's cell phone number...it is bothering me terribly.

    So, friends, if any of you recall it....please post it.  I can't call it anymore......but it hurts me that I cannot remember it.

Don surprised me.  He didn't go to the cemetery yesterday, but did today.

And he did come home with the Superman medal and the note.  It touched his heart, it made him tear up but I think most of all, it gave him something tangible to hold on to and to remember his friends, family haven't forgotten.

Thank you again for this special memory.

We went to the Bereaved Parents.  Not too many people.  It was somewhat helpful.  I don't think that it gave us any more insight into what we are dealing with or the manner in which we are coping.  I appreciated getting back copies of the newsletter.  Don and I have discussed last evening and feel that it reinforced to us that the loss of Mark will be felt forever, and we are at peace with that.

We know we will have times where the loss will be more vivid, more painful.  We know that everyday surviving without him will be something we must face.  Most importantly, we know that we will never have one day that the pain of losing him isn't felt.

That in itself is ok, but then again not ok that it has to be that way.

To very thoughtful person who  left the Superman medal and note for Don at Mark's grave.....that was one of the kindest things that has happened in a long time.

I have not been to Mark's grave in quite a while.  Don suggested stopping by there Sunday, but I just didn't think I could emotionally get through it at that time.  I have left Mark's grave in Don's caretaking.  He is the one that stops by frequently.  It is where he feels drawn to and I believe where he talks to Mark.

Don and I have both been off work for a few days.  The weather has been too cold to work.  He removed everything from Mark's grave last week as instructed by the sign posted in the cemetery.  I don't believe that he has been by there since last week, which is a long time for him.

I wanted to be sure that the Valentine heart I placed a couple of weeks ago was again in place.  I also wanted to go there to tell Markie that we loved him and missed him.  I was able to send John an email, tell Tabby Happy Valentine's and give the boys their Valentines from Papa and me this morning.  I wanted to put some little candy hearts on his grave.....he loved those.

When I got to Mark's grave I noticed two things:  one, that the ground has settled again which for some reason unnerves me, and second, a note left with "Don" written on it....a special message specifically for him.

I know that Don will be going there after work today.  He has missed several days and it is Valentine's Day.  I know when he gets to his grave, he will immediately see the kind note with words of love, support and understanding along with a Superman medal and the inscription  "Go forward".

To the unknown person who did this.....you have no idea how this moved me.  How a simple act of kindness is going to make my husband probably emotional, but realize that Mark's friends and family miss him, honor him and will never forget him.  And "Go forward" .....I believe that was the theme of Mick's eulogy.

I know this is a medal the Christopher Reeve Foundation sells.  It has so much meaning to start with, yet the message continues on to mean something even more to me.

This evening, we are going to attend a meeting of Bereaved Parents.  I am eager to see if this is something that will help Don...and me.  Going forward, and taking the help that is available.

Don and I decided that we wouldn't exchange cards, flowers, etc.  I had decided, however, on the way to the cemetery that after I was finished there, I would stop and get Don some Heavenly Hash and a nice card.  

I am not doing that.  I am keeping the promise that Don and I made.....because there is no way I could top the Valentine that he is going to get when he gets to Mark's grave.

I would love to know who did this.  I will never tell Don.  I don't think he will bring it  home with him tonight......but I know he will eventually take it and keep it,

Thank you so very much.....I love you for it.

     I remember every year after football season was over, both of my sons would seem a little down.  I always knew it was because football was over for the year.  Then, in time, they would be back working out in the weight room getting ready for the next season.
     I think that is what I am doing now.  Trying to get ready for the next season...whatever that season will be.
     I try hard to concentrate on what has happened and how our lives have changed.  One thing I noticed immediately after Mark died....our phone doesn't ring that often.  We can go a day or two without any phone calls at all.  It is so eerily quiet here.
     One would think that we have all sorts of projects done.  I wish that were true.  I have been working on completing a quilt I started embroidering when Mark first came home from Memphis.  That summer, when the electricity was out with that really bad storm, I sat by candlelight at night starting this quilt.  I had days off to work on it.....more or less forced days off.
     I don't think I have ever told this story here.  I knew in March of 2006 that Mark's cancer was coming back.  I knew it when I visited Mark when he was living in Memphis.
     I called Mark in February and told him I was flying down to see him.  I had this mothering need to see him for myself.  I wanted to be sure he was happy, doing OK.  I flew to Memphis following two 12 hour shifts, rented a car, and drove to the Hacks Store to get his keys.  Really planned on going to his apartment, fixing dinner, and taking a nap.  Instead, I spent the next couple of hours cleaning the apartment he shared with his friend and co-worker, Jason.  I had told Mark not to worry about getting his apartment cleaned (he and Jason were working long hours after just opening the new store)....for once Mark listened to me.
     When they walked in the apartment that evening, they both turned around pretending they were in the wrong one.  I really enjoyed the time I spent with him until Saturday night.
      That night, I had a dream that Mark's cancer came back.  It was very clear, very detailed.  I woke up just shaking.  I went into his room and sat on the floor and watched him sleep for about two hours, just crying.  The next morning, he and Jason got up to get ready to go to work.  Jason left before Mark to go to church and Mark and me had a discussion about Mark going to church that lasted even after Jason left.  It was one of the longest conversations we had about faith, what Mark believed.  When he left for work, I no longer worried about him going to church.  I knew he was ok.
  Several hours later, I called him at work and told him I was sick.  I had a major gall bladder attack and was so mad that I was sick.  Over the next month, I was back and forth to the doctor until I finally had surgery.  I thought I was OK...but never ever forgot the dream I had.  I never told anyone either.
   Things started to get difficult for me at work.  It seemed like every patient I was assigned to had some sort of abdominal cancer.  Through several talks with my bosses, I went to employee assistance.  My bosses never knew what was going on in my head.  I just couldn't take care of these kind of people....I felt every time I heard what these people were going through...it was what we were going to face with Mark.
   So, between my physician and employee assistance, I wasn't allowed to work for a couple of weeks...actually two months.  Everyone thought I was just a little crazy, I guess.  But I knew.  I am a mom and I knew.
   That was the beginning of my quilt.  I sat and embroidered for hours, thinking about what I felt was coming and trying hard to be realistic and rational.  I talked to Don, I talked to John and Tabitha, I talked to my mom, my brother, my sister/roomie, Deb, and to my friend, Patti.  I never ever told Mark.  He thought that since I had so much vacation time, I was taking time out to help him move back home.
    I felt that as long as he were in Memphis, he would be safe.  He WAS safe, after all, the entire time there.  I felt as if St. Jude was watching him from the top of the hospital.
    Eventually, I went back to work and didn't work on my quilt that much.  I put it away and concentrated on nothing in particular.  Just tried to get through each work day.   Was it better at work?  No, not really.  I just tried to avoid those types of patients and Patti willingly and probably on purpose, assigned herself to them.
     December 2006.....I learned that just as dreams come true, so do nightmares.  Mark's cancer was back.
     Within a day or two, I received a phone call asking me if I would like to work on another floor since we had been having so many abdominal cancer patients.  Too little, too late.
     During that first awful week in the hospital, Don and I ran into the employee assistance rep...he asked what I was doing on "that end of the hospital".  I told him that Mark's cancer was back and that they didn't expect him to survive.  In true, psychologist speak...he said "How are you feeling?" or something like that.....and I responded "I @#$% told you so.  No one believed me.  You all made me waste time off that now I don't have, and I need."
     Many of my coworkers contributed their vacation hours to me so that I would have a month or two with paychecks to be with Mark. I will never ever be able to convey our gratitude to them for this.  It has been a year now, and I am still so angry that I wasn't listened to.  
     For the next several months, I took my quilt blocks with me whenever we went to the hospital.  There are a few blocks where the markings ran because I would be crying while I worked on it.  There was the time that Mark told me that "that sewing your do, Mom....that embroidery....it ANNOYS people."  I know he just wanted me to pay attention to him and not my sewing...but it is one of the memories sewn into the quilt.
     Tonight I was able to sew 3/4 of the quilt together.  It is almost finished.  I have been asked by several people what I am going to do with it, who it is for.
     It is for me.   In it are the hours I spent worrying about Mark's cancer coming back, dealing with Mark's caner, the chemo, the hours of waiting, the hours of wishing it weren't happenening, and the hours after he died thinking about life without him and missing him.  It is a mother's intuition quilt.
     Maybe, and probably, it really is a quilt for Mark.

I was looking at Kyle Lillard's webpage and noticed that he had a Buddy Map....so cool.  Wish I had seen this before.

I am hoping that people who stop in here and read my ramblings will go to the Buddy Map link at left and put themselves on the map. 

The flu season has been hitting our area hard.  I have had so many patients with the flu and today woke up with a pounding headache and all the ills that go with the flu.  I called into work and told them I wasn't coming in.  I don't like to do that but I have felt so lousy today that I thought it best.

Wednesday I had a call from someone who is very special.  Doris Meilink, Shelley's mom, called me.  I told her that I think of her so often...practically everyday.   It was so good to talk to her.  She was there for support from the very first day Mark's trials started four years ago.  She almost called me the exact day I first talked to her when we learned Mark had sarcoma.  It was very late in the evening and I didn't know where to even start. What a very special person. 

I have talked to John but haven't seen him in over a week.  I miss that.  He has been busy with work, school, and all the activities that come with having a 5year old and a 3 year old.  The babies liked the "prizes" I brought them.  I was supposed to bring back a real whale for Michael but he seemed content with the blow up Shamu I got him. 

I have been reading again old newsletters online from the Bereaved Parents group.  A couple of the articles have been very helpful to me this week.  One mentioned that just because you go through a day and don't cry....it doesn't mean that you haven't forgotten the person you lost...it just means you are getting better and living.  That's what Mark wanted from me...all of us.

I was asked last evening how many children I had...and without missing a beat I said "two."  I was really happy that I did.  I still have Mark in every thought, every activity.  I think about him all the time.  When I heard there were tornados in Tennessee.....I thought of Mark.  I told Lisa tonight that at first I thought "I need to call Mark" then sadly realized that option doesn't exist for me anymore.  So...I emailed Golf Discount and told them I was worried about the store in Memphis.  Those guys put up with me so well....they emailed me back and told me Jason and everyone in Memphis was fine.  I still wondered about his apartment, his friends, and the places he went to while he lived there.

Then there was an article about surviving siblings.  I have spent a great deal of time thinking and contemplating what this article had to offer.  I regret that it will be John and Tabitha left alone to deal with Don and me. I have thought that was the biggest concern but now realize that there is so much more to surviving siblings that I never really considered.

If a parent stays on the grief track.....it can send messages that no matter what surviving siblings do, they can never make up for the loss, the pain , the grief that their parents are experiencing.  I don't want that for John and Tabitha.  I don't want them thinking that Mark's absence can never allow Don and I to enjoy holidays, birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day.

I am slowly surviving.  My friends, my family and new people I meet have always let me talk about Mark.  I know where Mark is.  I know the trials Mark went through.  I know he is at peace.  I don't have to go anywhere, do anything to know that....I feel it in my heart.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I write about Mark.  Most of the time I feel that I am talking to him when I post blogs, add to his website.  It is my memorial to him...to the time that he was with us...and to the memories that were made.  I can't call him on the telephone, or play with his children.  But best of all....I don't have to worry about him anymore.  

It doesn't mean I don't miss him less than I did.  It doesn't mean that I don't love him as much as I did.  It just means I am surviving.  And that in itself is the promise I made to him when he tearfully demanded it last May.

I don't want him to be forgotten.  I don't want his friends to say one day "What was the name of that guy who drove the truck and played football at Mehlville?"  After talking with his friends over the past seven months, I am at peace knowing that those statements will never be made.  We named him right...Mark...because that is what he left on all of us.

We were blessed to be Mark's parents.....blessed to be parents at all.  But, it was John who started that blessing and without him the world would not make sense nor be as special as it is.  It is because of John and his family that we can laugh, plan, and experience life.

I think that is called surviving.....

Just got back yesterday from a wonderful weekend spent with my mom and a friend from work.  We went on the same cruise all of us went on last July....sure is easier to see the ship, the water, when one is crying all the time.

I smugggled back Mark's blue water.  I got it at CocoCay on Sunday.  It was a beautiful 82 degree, cloudless sky.  I went back to the same beach on a remote part of the island that Don, John, Tabitha and the boys found in July.  Walked out on the sandbar and picked the blue water out.  Then, I sat on the beach and listened to my MP3 player and listened to the songs that I play when I am lonely for Mark.   Also listened to some of the others he liked...especially the "Live Like I am Dying" one that he said was his theme song.  I really missed him at that moment but took to heart the message of the song...and remembered what he had told me "Mom, do things that make you happy.  I will always be with you....if you turn around fast enough you may see me." 

I did just that....I turned around and looked down at the point of the island where the is no one...and saw someone walking toward the "point" of the island.  I remembered how Mark wanted "footsteps" (he meant Footprints" written on his funeral card.  I remembered how Jesus carried all of us....and that Mark was now able to walk on his own.  It gave me peace.

To me, CocoCay is the most beautiful spot on Earth.  For a day, I felt I was in the same place that Mark is.  It was a good journey.  I believe that all of us have come a long way since June.

Doesn't make it better...just more peaceful.  I know he is ok....and I always now know where he is.

Just wished I could have smuggled him back.