The forsythia bush Don and I planted a couple of years ago is blooming.  Means spring is here.

I missed it last year.

It only blooms for a week or so and last year I heard that it was blooming but didn't get to see it because Mark and I were holed up at Siteman.

I remember that April was a very good month.  The best month.  Mark was so looking forward to the Golf Tournament that Golf Discount put on for him.  Even the days before, when he was home with IV fluids and not doing well....it was all he could think about.  Mandy was coming to spend a couple of days and that weekend of the 15th last year was a really happy time for him.

It was in April that I started planting flowers out in front.  It was very good therapy for me and I was able to work on something and still be able to hear Mark call me.  He would even come out and sit on the veranda and watch me.

This year I will be doing it alone. 
 
Saturday I spent the entire day trying to get the back yard into shape.  We hope to make a memorial garden for Mark but there is so much we need to do before we can even get to that point.   The entire time I am working back there, I keep thinking how nice it will be this summer to sit and relax.  John and Tabitha have bought us some dragonfly things that we will use.    A lot of clean up before we get to use them, however.

April 19th is our day to clean "Mark's street."  I am going to make some signs this week and put them on his Adopt a Highway sign.  If anyone would like to help Don and me....please let me know.  It won't take more than an hour or so and we hope that others will join us.

I still find little things in the desk drawers, boxes, etc.  I have some of his pens, his "special medicine" and golf tees that I will never throw away.  Every day I am reminded of him.

Yesterday, Danny was playing with his Daddy over here.  He took John's hat off and put it back on John's head and said "Mark."  It has been a year and Danny is only three....but I know he remembers putting Mark's hat on and Mark flipping it around so it was on backwards.  Today, when Danny was starting to get out the pool cuesticks...Granny said "No, no."  Danny said "They are Uncle Mark's."  Makes my heart warm that little things even remind little Danny of Uncle Mark.

Reading Chris Hobbs' journal and all that goes in with adjusting to life the days after someone has died reminds me of last year.  I remember Best Buy arguing with me that "He shouldn't have bought anything if he was going to die" and my response that I would put his baseball cards on the porch and they could come pick them up.....came back to my mind.  That seemed so hard to do...the business of death....but it is actually harder now than ever. 

298 days.  That is how long as it has been since we held Mark.  I wonder what percentage of forever that is.

Caleb Hobbs died this morning.  

It has been a long, hard journey for Caleb and his wife, Chris.  I have been communicating with the Hobbs over the past several months and even though everyone knew this day was coming...and at times yearning for it when Caleb's pain and trials were so testing....it still hurts.

Many people who check in on this website have been so gracious to send Chris words of encouragement.  It made me feel so good that "our people" offered their prayers to the Hobbs family.

I read with total understanding Chris' posting of how everyone seemed to go about doing things...not knowing what had happened to her just hours before.  I remember that feeling....and still have that feeling.

The link to Caleb's website for one last time:  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/hobbs

Damn that DSRCT.

Don and I are going to go to the Blarney Stone tonight to get something to eat...if anyone wants to join us.  We will be there around 6 or so.

Easter went exceedingly well.  I woke up pretty early and was able to play Easter Bunny to my Donnie....a basket of his favorite candy bars and a chocolate bunny.  It is harder to hide things from him that it was ever for John and Mark, but I was able to keep the surprise.

I went to Mass alone.  Don was going to go but I could feel the emotions building up inside and we decided he would stay hom.  This would probably be the only time throughout the day where we would be apart...and I think we each needed our time by ourselves.  One hour was more than enough for me.  I still cry during Mass and probably always will.  But still, I come out emotionally drained but also recharged.

We got together everything we needed to take to Dave and Linda's...including a book on Peter Cottontail that Danny had left here.  We piled in the car and made our way to the cemetery.  We were not even out of the subdivision when the book started playing a song that was built into it.  We listened to "Here Comes Peter Cottontail" all the way to the cemetery.  We laughed that it was Mark.  The song continued to play and stopped....right as we were approaching Mark's gravesite.

Tabitha and John had given Don and me a solar dragonfly last week.  Because I worked so many days in a row, I only heard through Don how beautiful it was at night as it lit up.   Donnie was really taken with it and wanted one for Mark's grave.  I stopped at Target on the way home Friday and bought it for him.  That's what we put on Mark's grave.  There was already an Easter basket there....from his Grandma Joyce.  My mom is having so much trouble walking now, I know it was an effort for her to get up the hill alone to put this basket there for Mark.

As Don and I stood at his grave, we both really started crying.  It is just so unfair.  We were not finished with Mark yet and we both verbalized this.  Just then....on this silly Easter Sunday where it was gloomy, SNOWY....the sun came out.  Don't anyone out there try and tell Don and me it wasn't Mark playing that song to the annoyance of his father, or the sun shining on the two of us the moment we both felt so very sad for one another.  I think Mark still loves us.

We had such a wonderful, wonderful time at the Hansons.  Linda went all out and the food provided by Tabitha, Linda and Rachel was wonderful.  Dave said a beautiful prayer and included Mark.  It meant so very much.

The babies had their Easter egg hunt and then Don and I arranged for a hunt for John, Tabitha, Dave and Rachel.  It was really so much fun.

The babies enjoyed their jelly beans and Easter prizes.  Michael is learning to read...he tries real hard to sound out words and spells them the way he thinks they should be.  I bought him a book with pictures and words so that he could use that in writing his words.  "See, Michael, this word, it is how to spell the word for this picture.  What do you think these letters spell?"  It was a picture of a boy pointing to his nose.   Michael looked at the picture and said "Booger."  Sorry.....it was just too funny not to share with others.

I have been busy this morning getting done what needed to be done today and now I am off to bed to get ready for tonight.

Hope the sun shines sometime today so that the dragonfly on Mark's grave will light tonight.

Jeepers....yesterday's post was really stupid.  I must have a very mundane life if all I could think about writing was socks.

Last night was so much better at work.  I really enjoyed it and came home not totally exhausted.  I know tonight will be good because my friend Patti will be there.  Even on bad nights, I enjoy working with Patti.

Mark popped out to me in the funniest way last evening.  I pulled out a pen from my purse...one of several I had thrown in before I left for work...and someone needed to borrow a pen for a second so I handed them mine.  "look at the bite marks on this pen...were you hungry or something?" my coworker said to me.  I looked at the pen and started to laugh.  Mark had this insane habit of chewing on the end of a pen.  I am sure Scott Pope knows this since they worked together...Tim probably remembers too.  He would chew on a pen until it was deformed.  I remember his first grade teacher, Sister Roberta, commenting to me "Mark is always chewing on his crayons." (Sister, I believe didn't like Mark, and the feeling was very mutual from him).  I remember getting after him about this pen chewing thing.  I had totally forgotten about it until last night.  No one is allowed to use that pen anymore...it is mine. 

The DSRCT website has expanded into a website for those that have lost family members or friends to the cancer.  I booted myself off of the other DSRCT site a while back.  Someone (I didn't recognize the email address) sent me a notice that this new site had started.  I wrote a post and was honest about how I felt...and if they didn't want me there....I wouldn't join the group.  No one has booted me off yet.  There is very little talk about DSRCT....but a lot of talk about the people who are no longer here.  I recognize many of the same feelings.  It is a good group.  We are discussing how we are doing without our Marks, our Kristis, our Roberts and others.  We are remembering them....and not the monster that took them.  Hopefully, we can make some sense out of this.  But, I no longer feel threatened that we didn't do enough to stop what was happening to him.  We did our best, had the best....it just wasn't meant to be.

I am better today, have a better vision for the week.  That is about how far I can go at a time and that is ok.  No more talk about socks.   Chewed up, teeth marked pens are much better.

Didn't sleep very well last night....brought Sage in because of the storms, and she doesn't make the greatest bed partner.  Also...could be that all Don and I seemed to do all weekend was lay around and not do anything.

This morning I started in on laundry and completely got the socks done.  The men in my house hate my way of doing socks...years ago just too many to do and finally I decided that they could just match their own.  Always kept socks in a big bin for them to go through.  I know when John finally moved out it wasn't his independence he enjoyed...it was that he didn't have to root through the sock bin.

Now I just have Don's socks......and also Mark's.  For some reason, over the past year, I have continued to throw mismatched socks of Mark's into the wash.  Today, I matched up several pairs, and threw the rest of them away.  They are only socks.....and now, for the time being, every sock has a match and they are sorted appropriately together.  For the first time in about 25 years, I do not have a sock bin.  I know this is probably not blog worthy to anyone who reads this but John and his Dad.  In Mark's later years...he didn't even mess with the sock bin.  He just kept buying new ones on his own.  But for me, this was my biggest accomplishment of the weekend.

After a long discussion with John and Tabitha, we reached the conclusion that this Easter we would start a new tradition that will benefit us...but more importantly Michael and Danny.  For many years, we would gather at my parents' house or Aunt Debe Dodo's.  Debe again graciously invited us to her house.  A side note here.....Debe is a fantastic cook and missing one of her invites is something that needs careful consideration.  However, it is a good time to start making traditions of at least one holiday where we can celebrate the grandchildren and also the meaning of Easter.  This year we will be going to Dave and Linda Hanson's house....Tabby's parents and are good friends/brother/sister.  We want to be sure our grandchildren understand and remember that their grandparents were also good friends.  My sisters, mom and brother have complete understanding of this.

Last Easter was awful.  Mark's counts were down, he was just home from chemo, and on IV fluids.  I could not and would not leave him.  Jeff and John Schnurbusch came down to see him and I remember him laughing so much.  There is a picture on the Eulogy page of Jeff Schnurbusch's visit to Mark.  It was also the start of the awareness that Kenny Schnurbusch was not well.

Easter means a lot to me...even more so this year.  I know that without Christ's sacrifice for us, Mark would not be assured his place in Heaven.  It is not just a Holy story....it is the basis for my understanding that Mark is safe, happy, and that I too will see him again.  It is a good start and a good reason to modify our  yearly Easter plans this year.

Ever since John, Tabby and Don and me reached this understanding, and I know that my family is understanding, I feel a whole lot better.  We will still be with people who we love, and who we know love and miss Mark.  It gives me a lot of peace.

I work the next three nights.  I am so hoping that this week goes better than last week.  It is off to a pretty good start.

Yesterday was the nine month anniversary of Mark's death.  Nine months...the time it takes for a new life to start....but not the time it takes to completely heal from one that has ended.

I have to admit, out of curiousity I looked to see if any new babies had been born during the night at Barnes...and of course there were.   I hope the best for these new babies, knowing in my heart that their existence began around the exact same time Mark's existence here ended.  I hope they are loved as much as Mark was, and still is.

Last evening was the Angel Mom (I call it that) meeting...and I was emotionally and physically exhausted.  I so wanted to go, but realized that I had been at work for three straight nights this week, and the first evening at home was the 13th.  I don't really take much notice of the dates, anniversaries, and John has told me neither does he.  Mark always did....anniversaries of certain events always played in his mind.  He must have got that from Donnie....because I know when I left for work Wednesday night he was teary eyed, and that image stayed with me the entire night.  I felt it best that we were together this evening.  Gwen suggested I bring him with me...and that was probably a good idea, except I am so tired from working that by 8 I was asleep again. 

Work has been awful.  I always said that I would give myself a year and decide then what to do.  I am an old, wornout granny.....if it continues to be this hard throughout the summer I will have to think about what I am going to do about work.  I hate working so hard, only to have people not appreciate what you are trying to do....it is never ever enough.  I find some peace knowing that practically anyone who came into Mark's room...we thanked.  We never complained, we were always grateful for what was done for him.  What wasn't done.....we as a family did.

Eric Williams stopped by the other day.  He does this from time to time, and Don and I are always so glad to see him.  He made me feel real good...he was very excited to see that I have kept the aquarium going...and doing an OK job at it.  In the past month Don and I have added two anemones, a new feather duster coral, a new "Dorie" fish.  The water has been crystal clear since we bought the new protein skimmer before Christmas.  One small coral I bought yesterday doesn't seem to be waking up....but I am going to give it a couple of more days.  Chad at Gateway Aquatic has been so helpful...and tolerant...of me.

Since the disaster last July with the tank (when I lost most of the fish by doing something really stupid), it has been ok.  I have lost two or three fish that I added (they were there at night, gone in the morning, with the serpent starfish looking suspiciously fatter) but for the most part, things are like they were.  We replaced the the lobster with a fire red shrimp, replaced the coral banded shrimp, and one scallop.  The crabs, the snails, the hermits, the serpent star, and one of the corals are still from when the Fish Man put them in for Mark last June.  Markie told me that I would have disasters and "you will probably kill everything in there....but I probably would too until I learned.  Just keep trying, Mom."  Everyday I feed the fish, sit and look at them, I remember and realize I am enjoying a gift that is so very special....not only am I reminded of Mark, but I am experiencing the joy he would have had with this hobby.  They are peaceful....and I know he is too.

Thanks to Lisa Tretter's dad, Mark's car is all fixed from the injuries it sustained in that snowy accident in December.  He was so very kind to us and helpful.  When Lisa told us her dad did this kind of work, there was no one else we would have work on Mark's car.  It was his pride and joy.  Chuck supplied John with a car to use and the boys thought sure that their dad bought them a minivan.  "We broke Uncle Mark's car, and we are using the red car until it is fixed," was the explanation Michael gave me.  Even after nine months, the babies still call the Altima "Uncle Mark's car."

Thank you to those who have visited Caleb's website.  The message on the guestbook from Bonnie Drake broke my heart.  Bonnie is Chase's granny.  We know how important grannies are to grandsons....but I know how important grandsons are to grannies.  I wrote Bonnie an email....but words just don't work and hugs are hard to give through the Internet.  Chase has been fighting this nonstop for over a year now.....keep chasing it Chase.

So, after nine months I have a different life....not too different, but without Mark calling me and sending me on errands.  I guess it hits me because I was pregnant with him for nine months and most moms know that when that time is over....you feel a loss of some sorts.

That loss after that nine months, was much easier than this one.

Over the past couple of years I have had the fortunate, in an unfortunate way, chance to meet some really special people from the DSRCT website.

Shortly after Mark died, I took myself off of that site.  I was getting some unsolicited emails about what we coudl've..should've done to prolong Mark's struggle.  It made me angry but I understood the terror these people were going through and perhaps all they were trying to do was validate what they were doing.

There are only two or three that I have kept in contact with and have been praying for.   For me, I will keep any other DSRCT victims in my prayers as a group....but these three are special.

Kyle in Tulso is finished with his treatments and doing well.  No sign of disease.  We all know that the future months will still be filled with nervous energy and hopes that it never returns.  I want this for Kyle and his family.

Chase Sullivan...the young man whose love of football and golf so mirrored Mark....has had some setbacks and is now going to participate in a clinical trial in Houston.  It angers me that Chase is having to do this...he should be out with his friends.  Mark specified that he wanted some of his funeral donations to go directly to Chase so that he could use it for something fun.  "Tell him to blow it" were the instructions we had.   Please remember Chase and the family and friends who love him so much and are feeling so helpless, so disappointed.

And then there is Caleb.  He has been struggling for a very long time now.  From reading his website and sharing emails with his wife, Chris, Caleb's time is very short.  I now understand why I am restricting myself to other DSRCT families.  My heart is breaking for Caleb's family.  Chris's job is no longer and finances are very very tight.  I am sending part of Mark's tax return to her.  She should not have to worry about anything but sharing the last days with Caleb.  Chris mentioned Mark frequently throughout Mark's time. 

If you find it in your hearts to help Chris and Caleb through Mark's memory....please take time to visit their website  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/hobbs , leave a note of encouragement on the guestbook or send a donation to the fund that is listed.  I will probably never ask this again for another DSRCT patient. 

I remember the many many messages our website received from people we didn't know.  They gave us so much comfort....and even now, when I read them 9 months later...they continue to be very special.

I just know that I wrote something here yesterday....I must not have clicked the right button and it didn't get published to the site.

Keeping promises to Mark, I have continued to find things to keep my mind busy so I don't get too sad.  Mark knew I had history of depression and he worried that I would have a hard time.  He told me "Mom, I know how you can get.  Find things to do to keep you happy.  I don't want you to be depressed because of me."  So, many times I am thinking of what I should be doing to keep one of my promises to him.

This past week I dug out all of my geneaology stuff.  I had worked on his book last weekend and found myself late at night crying.  I cannot believe all what our family and friends have been through.  I thought it best to take another break from it....and what I call "looking for dead people" has always been helpful to me.

I have been doing family history stuff for many years...in fact started it when I was pregnant with Mark.  Back then, I had a little portable typewriter that I would write letters and requests for birth and death certificates.  It would take months to get another lead on someone.  I firmly believe that the Internet was invented for my amusement.

This week not only did I find the death certificates for my great grandparents, but a lot of new census sheets that I had not ever seen.  I must have a six inch stack of things and got out my laminator and started working.  I used up one whole box of laminating sheets.

In looking at all the info I had....there always seems to be every generation at death of someone that impacted the rest of the family.  Don's great grandfather dying early and leaving three children and a wife in an apartment in St. Louis....none of who could speak English.  My mother's mother who died when my mom was 2...and how that made changes in my mother's life....several others as well.....then Mark's death.

I know that Mark's death has impacted our family forever.  Because he didn't leave any children, I know that some of the changes in previous generations won't happen.  But what I do know, is that someday people will look back on our family and will see immediately that losing Mark was the one heartbreaking episode for us.

Just like I was able to see Mark everywhere in our house....I am able to see how Mark's involvement with how we would deal with his death largely controls how we are responding.  I am finding things to do that not only give me time to think and reflect, but also make me feel I am keeping promises.  Healthy things to do.   I know that Don still struggles and probably will forever, but he is finding peace in knowing that he was fortunate to be Mark's dad.  John continues to instill in Michael and Daniel the importance of being brothers.  We are doing ok.....but every single day we are reminded and remember that we lost someone very special to us.

I wish I could be as good as a friend as Mark's friends are.  I received a very wonderful email from Tom Kaesberg this week that I read over and over again.  Took me a long time to respond to him and I don't think I still was able to convey to him how much it meant to Don and me.

Next month, on Saturday, April 19th, we are going to have a cleaning of Mark's street.  The director of the MODOT adopt a highway program is going to come.  We hope to have anyone who would like to participate join us.  I will get more details later...but we do plan on having food at our house afterwards and just enjoy our friends.

Because that is what it says on Mark's sign on Kinswood.....Family and Friends of Mark DeWalle.

I worked a crazy schedule last week.  Everytime I sat down to write something on this blog....I felt totally empty inside with nothing to say.  Nothing new.  I was probably trying to avoid putting anything down.

I am trying so hard to think of happy Mark thoughts, happy times, funny times.  Instead, several days last week I found myself thinking of hurt times.

I know some of it has to do with writing things in Mark's "book" that I am compiling.  Once I reviewe and write what I feel.....it becomes all too real again. Yet I know it is beneficial because this weekend I have felt much better.

Last night I totally reorganized the computer room.  I have one section of a cabinet that is only for Mark's things that I want to keep.  A box of sports memorbilia (speleed that one wrong!!) that someday will belong to Michael and Daniel.  The jewelry box Mark made in Coach Heyde's class.  Several little pieces of paper with Mark's handwriting....they are mostly work notes, messages and reminders to himself to order or check on specific golf equipment for customers.  His watch.  And hundreds of get well cards and sympathy cards.

I felt a little down....how could everything fit into one relatively small space.  I felt that Mark's life has been reduced down to one shelf in a cabinet.  Then, I looked around and found that really isn't true...he is everywhere around.  Every single room I can see something that is Mark's...or about Mark.  Our bedroom has pictures of Mark,  the bow from his funeral spray, and under the bed the rolled up newspaper that he used to hit me with when I fell asleep by his bed and began to snore.

In his room...his football state championship team picture. His bed.  The high thread count sheets he sent me out to buy one day, the small sofa we brought up from the family room just for him, his rolling table that stayed by his bed, and most of all, his fish tank.

In the bathroom....we are using the shower curtain from his apartment, and next to the toilet....there still is his copy of Uncle John's Bathroom reader about golf.

In the hall closet are still some of the medicines and equipment he used.  In the kitchen are dragonflys given to me by Christine Hearst and Debbie Silhavy.  In the cabinets are some of his glassware that have playing cards on them.

The living room is pretty much all Mark...pictures, music box, angels and the curio cabinet.

Downstairs in our family room are pictures, Mark's helmet plaque which hangs next to his brother's, an niche near the fireplace with Mark's golf things, and in the corner...his beloved sets of golf clubs.

His old bedroom downstairs is now the toy room / sewing room.  It is still painted in two shades of blue that Juliet picked out and painted.  In the closet...without an inch of space to spare...are all of Mark's clothes, shoes, keepsakes that someday we will go through.

In the bathroom downstairs is another shower curtain that he used in his apartment.  The laundry still has the rack of his baseball caps and hanging on the back of the towel shelf.....his varsity satins still stained with the Jungle mud from his last game.

So, after some thought....I now know that his things are just in a little corner of a cabinet in the computer room.  He is everywhere.

I can't be without this website.  I appreciated the note from the Meilink family......they knew all too well that I have been consumed with thoughts that I couldn't share at the time.

It helps to have friends like them.
It helps to have this website and have a way for me to unload.....and receive gentle, loving messages from friends hoping I am ok.

Today, I think I am ok.