It has been over a year since this website was started....one year ago this week.  I thought it would chronicle the months of Mark's journey....but the journey ended for him a mere six weeks later.  The journey continues for the rest of us.

I don't think many of our family members read this anymore.  I know initially they did.  I know my brother reads it daily.  I think the others have found a place for what has happened and have moved on.   I know that many of Mark's friends have as well. I can tell because rarely is the website mentioned in my family and even rarer are messages left.

I appreciate everyone who does stop by here.  Even if messages are not left, I can tell by looking at the number of visits that have been registered. 

I don't think I will ever move on. 

I know I talk about Mark more than I should (but, then again, I didn't get the book on this).  I suppose it is my way of keeping him alive.  I want him to be a part of the here and now.  There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about him.  Some of that, I realize, is the mother in me because I am also thinking about Johnny and his family. 

This website and blog have become one of my best friends.  It never lies to me, and lets  me say what I feel I need to say.  It never tells me that I shouldn't feel a certain way and never tires of me talking about Mark.  I can stay trapped in time here.

This past weekend I kept myself busy building a memorial garden for Mark.  I haven't placed any of the memorial stones yet that so many people gave to us at Mark's funeral.  I am taking my time because I want it perfect.

I am worried that the cold nights may have damaged the flowers I planted.  Deb A pointed out to me that pink was not Mark's color and she is right......at least I didn't plant pansies like I started to.  So, if the pink flowered vines die, then I replace them with Cardinal red.   I put our football player statue and my mom gave me her little golfer statue.  In between, I have an angel in my garden.  There still is a lot of work to do it, but I did post a picture of it.


Sometimes it is easier talking to the blog than to anyone else.  The website doesn't judge me, tell me I should do something this way, reset my priorities.  I don't know how we got through this first year.....and have no idea how we will get through the second.  I am fully aware, though, that I have a chronicle of my thoughts, activities.  It doesn't change.  I still miss Mark.

I am so blessed to have John.  I worry constantly about him....is he happy, are things ok, isn't he working too hard. He never tells me "mom, stop."  He is always there.  He is what keeps me being a mom.

I know my birthday and Mother's Day are going to be.....well...unusual.  There won't be any surprise visits from Memphis, no flowers delivered.  There will be something missing those days.  I keep reminding myself that we got through every other holiday.....but I am like every other mother....I want to hear from or see my kids on Mother's Day.  It is just so much more because my birthday is the day before.  

Birthdays are a big deal in our family.  I tried to raise my sons the way my parents raised us...everyone deserves a day that is very special just for them.  When John was in kindergarten, we realized that he thought EVERY mother had their birthday on Mother's Day.....and every father had their birthday on Father's Day, since Don's birthday is June 19th.  I don't need a special day anymore, I keep telling myself....I have already had mine.

I have two days that I will hold in my heart for Mark:  the day he was born and the day he died.  This year, I am adding an extra day for John:  his birthday and Mother's Day..because he is the one who made me a mom....and keeps me a mom.

John and Tabitha have a way of always making Don and me feel better.  Tonight was no different....but what they told me is going to stay with me for a very very long time.  It made my heart feel so good.

They told me that the other day Michael asked his mommy a question:  "How can I grow up to be a Super Hero like Uncle Mark?"

I remember Michael telling me long before Mark ever got sick that he knew Mark was Superman because he had seen Mark in his Superman suit and that Mark also had a couple of Superman shirts.  It is no exaggeration that Mark encouraged this.  Michael also thought that Mark played for the Cardinals.  Mark had come home from Memphis to go to a Cardinal game and Michael was here as Mark was getting ready.  He sat on Mark's bed while Mark got dressed and put on his Cardinal's jersey.  Later that afternoon I found Michael standing in front of the tv. He was watching a baseball game (I am not even sure if was the Cardinal game) and when I asked what he was doing....he told me he was waiting for Uncle Mark's turn.  He thought his uncle was a baseball Cardinal.  Mark loved it.

It has been several months since Michael has seen the Superman picture.  We talk about Mark a lot and he knows why I have dragonflies and angels.  He looks at, but rarely touches the curio cabinet we have with some trinkets of Mark's.  He knows his Granny misses his uncle.

Yet, he remembers his uncle....and he remembers him being a Super Hero.  I think that is so very special.  It is one of the many comments that Michael has made that has helped Don and me throughout the past months.

I told Michael that he had to learn to read, study and do well in school, mind his manners, obey his parents, be kind to others.....and John gave me a quizzical look like "Did Mark do all of that!?"   Maybe he did....maybe he didn't...but the whole episode gave us a chance to poke fun at Mark's expense.  That is something that would have been done had he been involved in the whole conversation.  A sort of normalcy.

One thing he would have done, is let Michael continue to think the way he was thinking.  Mark was and always will be our Superhero....but this week, with a little 5 year old's question, Michael was certainly ours.

One nice day this weekend and Don and I spent the entire day outside trying to beautify the backyard.   Grandma bought me an early birthday present:  a new swing.  My old swing had seen much better days and I wasn't going to go into the expense right now, so I was so excited that my mom replaced it for me.

I moved the entire pile of mulch...actually have been doing it for a couple of weeks now, but I think it is now where Don can seed it.  I wish I had time right now to sit on it....I work another 3 day marathon.  I am sure it will rain on Thursday, but if not, I will be there.

We hung some of the dragonfly things we had.  Markie is everywhere.  I find myself talking an awful lot about him lately.  I know we are doing ok with everything...maybe that is the problem.  I don't ever want to be ok that Mark isn't here. 

Just simple greetings "How are you" I can never truthfully say that we are fine.  We are not.  There is a thin line between reality and pretending for us.  I keep telling myself that it is ok to miss Mark, and the fact that we have continued to go on, enjoy our family and friends, and be able to smile, in no way is connected to our feelings of loss.  I miss Mark every single hour of every day, and rarely an hour goes by that I don't think of him.  I am always 24 seconds away from crying.

My mom is finally cleared to have her surgery next week.  I will be moving out to her house periodically.  Everyone who knows my mom understands that she is a vibrant, active woman and her knees are the only thing slowing her down.  She will be having her first surgery on the 29th and the second on the 6th of May at Barnes Jewish West County.  We think she will probably be in the hospital throughout her two surgeries, coming home around the 8th or 9th.  I am so looking forward to her being more mobile.  Once again, my sisters and brothers are combining forces to make sure things are easy for her. 

My friend, Christina Hobbs, is making good progress since losing Caleb to DSRCT last month.  She has a new position with Pfizer and is moving to North Carolina.  Chris and I talked several months ago and this was always her plan....once Caleb had died she was going to pack up, move, and start a new life.  I know that others have questioned the quickness she has made these changes, but they don't realize that Chris had months to plan this, and did so with Caleb's input.

Reminds me of how Mark got me and everyone else ready.  We talked frequently about what I needed to do...and some of the things I have not been real successful at.  I think about him, with his bald head, tube in his nose, sitting on his little couch and directing me what to do with my life.  I am trying, but I so need a pep talk from him.   I am really missing him this week.  Really missing him.   If there ever was a time I wish I could have back...it would be Mark's last six months.  I need his lectures again.  I miss my Yoda.

I am off to work again.  As much as I hate to go in three nights in a row, I enjoy the three or four days off straight even more.  I am glad the weather is better.  Don is able to play outside and now he has plants and flowers to water in the back yard.  It is very hard for me to leave for work when I can see that he is down.  The better weather will help him.

But, sitting on the veranda isn't the same for me anymore.  I spent a lot of time last spring in the front on the porch.  I could hear Mark from the porch.  He often would come out and sit with me.  Now I just sit alone.  In the evening I no longer look for his headlights to come down the street....all I have is the solar dragonfly that comes to life when the sun goes down, and my memories.

I am so mad all of this happened.  It just isn't right.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that we were planning to have a group road cleaning of Mark's part of Kinswood.   I didn't hear from anyone other than good old Uncle Mike, and I realize the weather has been so bad lately.  We decided to not have a group cleaning....the road isn't that bad right now, there isn't much interest, and it is something Don and I can do on our own.   I know that if it is nice on Saturday, so many will want to be out working in their yards, etc., and we understand.

Will post more later.....have to get a few hours sleep.  Just wanted anyone who wanted to know about Saturday that we have called it off.

One year ago Markie came out of his slump on a rainy Friday the 13th.  He was still on IV fluids and his Aunt Deb came over to Marksit while I went to get Mandy and Tyonn at the airport.  They spent time at the Blarney Stone, celebrated Mandy's birthday, went to the golf tournament.  So many special, happy memories of one year ago.  That's how we are getting through this week...reliving and enjoying these memories.

I have to write a letter that I just can't seem to find the words for.  Matt Heet's basketball team raised money for the Mark DeWalle Benefit Fund.  We still have this account to use for this website, and mostly for others who are experiencing what we experienced last year.  It is our way of paying back.  All of us DeWalles were just so touched by Matt's letter.  Just this week we sent a check to the family of Mike Maniaci....the young man who is recovering from a severe head injury he sustained when hit by a car in Florida.  We remember the help we received, and the donations that came in so we could be with Mark.

There were other happenings last week that sapped my energy...so much so that I couldn't write on this website.  All of them could be connected to Mark....and I believe Mark is still spinning his magic and finding things that I just cannot turn my back on.

I selfishly think about my birthday next month.  It lands just the day before Mother's Day...the Saturday before Mother's Day.  This was a special day for Mark because no matter the date, the day before Mother's Day was the day Shelley died.  On my birthday, I plan to spend some time remembering how Mark loved his friends.  Not only will I go by his grave, but also to Shelley's.  He had sent me there for him before, and I will go again for him.  For the first time, I will not hear him ask me if I knew what day it was....but I will feel it.

There will be a lot more days over the next two months that are going to be special.  All of our last days with Mark were special, but some memories are just stronger than others. 

I will miss not getting a card from him.  Last year, he gave me a card that had a little old bald man on the front of it.  It said on the front "Remember that lock of  hair you saved?  Well, I need it back."

I need him back.

Several months ago I mentioned Coach Heyde and that someday I would explain more what this gentleman has meant to our family.  Last week, the plans were started for his retirement event.  I have posted a link in the navigation bar to lead others to the information regarding this event.  One will notice that it is part of the markdewalle.com.....we wanted to be sure to reach as many people over the Internet and allow those who wish to make their reservations.  I know that if Mark were here, he would be involved in the entire process....so I am using some of the webpages that are available to us through web.com.

Not including parents, grandparents, and other family members, I know there is not one other individual who impacted both of our sons' lives as did Gary Heyde.  Every parent hopes that their children will be influenced by someone who is able to instill goals, dreams and common sense that is reflective of what the parent themselves wishes for their child.   I know who it was that turned our young boys into men: their high school football coach.

I know one thing for sure....it wasn't just football.  It was mostly Coach.

There were several other coaches who my boys admired, but none that for years on end whose respect they hoped for more than Coach Heyde. 

13 years ago I answered the telephone and it was Roy Barnette.  He was looking for some freshman or sophomore parents to help with Boosters.  Don and I immediately found it fun.  We had always been joiners and had been active with St. Francis for a number of years.  We believed firmly in supporting endeavors our boys chose...and it was quite evident that John loved football.  When Roy's term as Booster president was over, Don and I were at the meeting.  Somehow or other we ended up taking over. 

Roy had done an outstanding job with the Boosters and we knew we had a tough act to follow.  We wanted Coach to understand that we would try very hard and that we would be around for awhile.  We would act only with his approval and would do just about anything that he wanted.  Don and I both decided that we wanted to match our dedication to that of Coach's and I believe in time he understood that.

What we came to understand in time was how much both of our sons admired him.  They are just one of two....Coach has literally been an influence to hundreds and hundreds of young men.  To this day, when I talk to any "old players" they smile when they talk about Coach Heyde.

It goes without question how his influence impacted John.  I know one of John's proudest moments was when Coach called and offered him a coaching position.  Today, that freshman player who wasn't sure about football is now one of Mehlville's coaches.  Gary Heyde remains someone who is important in John's life....and probably will be forever.

Compared to John's initial trepidation....Mark went into Mehlville football full-speed.  He told Coach Heyde BEFORE he was even in high school "Coach, we are gonna win State when I am there."  Mark told him he had a dream about.  The first thing Coach said to me hours after Mark's team did win State was "How about that dream of Mark's!!!"   That comment had been made years before, but Coach didn't forget.

There are a lot of things that people don't realize about Coach's passion for his players.  He, to this day, can recall plays, games and personalities of his players.  He has spent countless hours pushing a lawn spreader around the fields so his players had a decent place to play.  He has spent countless hours away from his family working with players, reviewing films.  He has always been gracious to the parents who volunteer their efforts.  He has always had time for a phone call from one of his players.  He has always had time with his players. 

I always knew this was true.....but have grown to realize it even more passionately over the past couple of years.

The first people who came over and offered their support was Coach Heyde and his wife, Kris, when Mark was first diagnosed in 2003.  They knew that Mark was going to the doctor that day and they showed up at our house with a wonderful dinner.  From the beginning, Coach was always there for us....as he would be for any player who was going through what we were facing. 

I don't think Coach ever tired of bragging how Mark "beat the unbeatable".  Mark countered him by stating that it was "what I learned in football from Coach Heyde" that gave him the tools to fight cancer.  I wish I had the note Mark had written on the original website.....he had written out (one of the few times he ever posted anything) what football and Coach Heyde meant in his fight.

When Mark's cancer returned, it was once again Coach Heyde who came to see him before we took him to the hospital.  I remember so well Mark laughing with Coach.  When we were warned a few days later that Mark was dying....the one person who we wanted to know was Coach Heyde.  John called him, explained how serious things had become.  Coach became our link to others at Mehlville.

When Mark finally came home, and through the next several months, Coach would show up just to sit and talk to Mark.  Mark frequently would lie on the couch in his room, with Coach Heyde sprawled out on his bed....both watching television.  Mark loved those visits with Coach.

After months of fighting, after months of chemo, Mark reached the conclusion that he "was done."  I remember sitting in his hospital room.  He had not been in the best of moods.  I was going to go home but Mark wanted me to stay.  We were both quiet, he was, I thought, trying to sleep.  I looked over at him and saw him rubbing his eyes.  I asked him if he had a headache, and he shook his head no.  It was then I saw him crying.  I got up and walked over to him and asked him what was wrong.

"Mom, I'm done.  No more chemo, no more scans.  Maybe someone else can beat this cancer but I can't."

He was right.  I knew there was no more hope of saving him.  I wanted to be sure he was ready and asked him "Why, why now.  Why tonight are you saying this?"

"It's happening....I am dying.  I know it, everyone knows it.  Coach Heyde could see how bad it is when he was here yesterday.  I can't lie anymore....and I can't lie to Coach, not him."

So, the most important decision ever made in our family's life was based upon Mark's respect for Coach....and not being able to lie to him.

Mark couldn't face what was happening, even though he knew it for months.  He tried to pretend to save the feelings of his brother, his parents and those that loved him.  But, he couldn't and wouldn't lie to Coach Heyde.

What does one do when their son tells you he is dying?  I left him alone as he requested after we called for his father, his brother and his sister-in-law.  I waited in the hall because I knew someone else was coming to help me that night.....Coach's wife, Kris.

When I told Kris what was happening (and how we would have made it through that night without her I will never know) she called Coach Heyde.  Once again, before any family members knew about Mark's decision, Coach Heyde knew.

Two weeks later, we knew Mark's time was short.  Coach had been to the house to see Mark several times, as had so many other people.  I knew Mark had a very short time left with us and I wanted to know if there was anyone else he wanted to see.  He wanted his brother and sister-in-law (who had just left) to come back....and he wanted to see Coach Heyde.

At 11pm or so, Coach came over with Kris.  When he walked into the room Mark said "Hey, Coach" like it was any other day.  It was hard for Mark to speak.  Coach sat down next to Mark's bed and no one said anything.  We discussed Mark wearing his medals, and that perhaps there would be a Mark DeWalle medal some day.  I knew what Mark wanted to ask him.....and knew it was hard for Mark to talk....so I asked Mark if he wanted me to say what he had told me earlier.  Mark nodded his head.

"Coach, Mark wants to be sure you are not disappointed in him."

I don't recall what Coach said, only that it was the right thing.  It was what Mark needed to hear to let go.  It was the last question he had.....did Coach think he had given his best, put up the best fight, played his hardest.  At the end, he was still looking for Coach's approval.

I told you it wasn't all about football.

Over the past couple of days I have had times of real exhaustion.  It would take everything I had just to do some of the things that I had to do.  I am really tired of it.  It was so nice over the weekend and I totally wasted it.  I am know some of it is just the entire process we are going through, but I am beginning to think I just got a bad batch of insulin.

The other night I was working on my family research stuff.  I have a lot of fun with it and it reminds me frequently to remember the people who have gone before us.  I look at the dates and some of the people I am interested in have been gone for over a hundred years.  I try to remember these are not just names, but people who have had lives, stories and were probably so very missed when they died.

In all my searching, no one ever died of abdominal cancer.  A few lung cancers and throat cancers, probably attributed to smoking....but no one with anything remotely like Mark.  I just don't understand how he got it.

More so that any other month so far, my memories of Mark are more constant, more strong.  I think it is because April was Mark's best month in 2007.  During April he went out with his friends, had the golf tournament, and looked forward to the Volleyball Tournament Tom Kaesberg organized.  I know he loved the golf tournament....but the volleyball tournament day was his very very best.  I am so thankful to Tom for that day.....so many of Mark's friends were there and for many, it was the last time Mark saw them.  I wonder how many realized it at the time.

I think it was also on that day that Mark realized he had very little time left.  Less than two weeks later he was in the hospital and his body started dying.  I remember watching him sit in the middle of the volleyball court, taking it all in.  I had someone take his picture.  It is the one picture I look at and cry...the others don't bother me too awful much.  I just know there was a lot going through his head at that moment.  Shortly after, he got up and joined in with a team.

There are many sites to work on family research.  One of the ones I use is "findagrave.com".  I have been on that site many times.  Several months ago I discovered that someone in the little town of Enterprise, Kansas had put my grandparents' graves on the website.  It was quite a discovery for me.  The other night I wanted to find it again and since I was working on Don's line, decided to enter DeWalle into the search.  I expected to find the graves of DeWalles that are not related to us.....but was surprised to find Mark's.  Here is the link to that page on Mark: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GSln=dewalle&GSfn=mark&GSbyrel=all&GSdyrel=all&GSob=n&GRid=20625598&

Now, I was sure his Aunt Deb had done this, but I was wrong.  It was placed on there by a stranger...someone who doesn't even know Mark.  I emailed the submitter and she answered me that she isn't sure how she came across the information about Mark (I suspect his obituary since it is there) but tries to put young people on so they won't be forgotten.

I was really pleased that Mark was listed.  This stranger must have had some access to Mark's website because there is a picture of Mandy and Amanda with Mark (their M-A-M picture) and Mark's graduation picture.  I left a message, which anyone can do, because I wanted to record the date that I found it.  It has been on the website since July.

When I discovered it was there, I was so surprised. I clicked the link in the search and up pops Mark's picture.  It was like he was telling me hello.

I had another hello last week when Don and I went to the Blarney Stone.  Don and I were waiting for Uncle Mike to arrive and we sat in our usual place.  We looked over towards the pool table and noticed that Mark's St. Louis picture was gone.  

I had drawn Mark's name three years ago for Christmas and he was thrilled...."I know you'll go over the limit so its good its me".  He told me about this moving picture he had seen and wanted it for his apartment in Memphis.  It was of the St. Louis skyline/riverfront with the Mississippi flowing.  It reminded him of home.  When I visited him in Memphis, he indeed had it in his bedroom and would turn in on at night.  I teased him that he needed a nightlight.  He told me that he just liked to fall asleep pretending he was in St. Louis.

When Mark died, we knew he wanted that picture to go to one person, one place.  Tom Irwin had been a great friend to Mark.....and he had been so kind during Mark's last two weeks to our family...constantly sending food every couple of days that would feed an army.  Just hours after Mark's funeral, Don and John took the picture to the Blarney Stone.  Tom eventually hung it over by the pool table.  Everytime we went in there, we felt Markie's presence...his St. Louis picture that gave him so much comfort in Memphis was now giving us comfort.

So, back to the other week when we went to the Blarney Stone.  Don and I immediately noticed that the picture was gone.  We both commented that it must have either burned out or been damaged.  It was ok.....but we had both been commenting that we know Mark's presence is slowly disappearing to others.  Moments later I happened to look over the bar....and there..front and center...was Mark's picture.  It honestly felt like he was yelling at us "I am over here!!"  I don't know how long Tom plans to keep it there or how long the picture will even last.....but that moment was just so good for us.  Go to the Stone and see where Tom put it.

I have had some surprising hellos from him lately....just still cannot believe he isn't here.  I hope May is easier.