I have been working more hours than usual.  I thought that by adjusting my work schedule, I would be able to spend more time with Don.  I am finding that I am just more tired than before and am not accomplishing much of anything.

We still daily think about and talk about Mark.  I still cry everyday.  Something will spur it...whether it is a co-worker asking about how we are doing or finding a piece of paper with Mark's handwriting.  Yesterday, Danny spent the morning with me.  I have several pictures at my computer of Mark and John when they were little.  It amazes me that Danny immediately recognizes Mark and talks about what he is doing in the pictue. "Why does Uncle Mark have a teddy bear?' he asked in regards to Mark's first day of kindergarten.  The boy standing next to "Uncle Mark" was Danny's daddy....but Danny had troubling understanding that.

Our vacation, the Olympics, the plans for the new baby (I already have two packs of diapers) as well as all the political hoopla around have provided distractions.  But they are only that...distractions. 

There is a large part of my heart that will never, ever heal.  No one can fill it.  My parents instilled in me a very good heart...one that expands as our family expands...yet one that will never repair over the events our family has faced.

I am trying to repair the pain by doing good things in Mark's name.  I want him remembered and I feel the best way to do this is to try and recall how much he loved us, and loved his friends.  Each night I go to work, I think about what I can do that will help my patients and try to recall the attempts his caretakers made to make his trial easier.  I try to match them.  I try to do more.  I have to work, and remembering Mark every night makes it easier for me.

I haven't written on the site for a week.  I don't want this to be a constant pity party.  I don't have to say every night how lonesome I am, how this just isn't fair.  I know it, and I realize that those who check in here, know it.

Tonight, as I get ready to go back into work, I am going to once again think about Mark.  I am going to remember and enjoy my memories of that funny little boy.  I am going to take John's advice and start writing about as many Mark stories as I possibly can.

That will keep my busy in a way that I am going to enjoy.

I am doing better now.  The past two weeks have been a little rough for me.  Thankfully, my friends, my family and my co-workers have seemed to understand and have given me the space to work through this.

I was in a real low place, thinking that I just couldn't take too much more.  Then, John and Tabitha came over Friday evening and raised my spirits to where I didn't think they could reach anymore.

We are getting a new DeWalle baby in the spring.

My thoughts of not having Mark here have quickly been replaced that I know this baby is going to give all of us a sense of renewal.  It will be the first family member who never knew Mark, was never kissed by him, was never loved by him.  Then, again, perhaps my longing to talk to him has been gifted to me by God in the form of this baby.

How I can't wait to hold this new life. 

Somehow, I know that when I look into my new grandchild's eyes this spring, I will also be looking at total grace...knowing this child is blessing our family with the realization that life does, and will, go on.

I have prayed so much during Mark's illness and the aftermath of his death.  My prayers were not always answered the way I thought they would be.  We still lost Mark, yet we gained a better understanding of the importance of family, telling those you love today that you love them, and strengthening our faith.  My prayers, wishes, to talk to Mark are being answered in a manner I didn't even invision.

I can't wait to look into my new grandchild's eyes.

Hurry up, spring.

Thanks to those who sent me email, posted and called.  It has been a rougher week than usual for me. 

I spent a long time talking to Debbie A last evening.  I was able to unwind to her and even though I was exhausted all day today (and I am sure she was too), I am feeling somewhat better.

I work the next four nights.  It could be a long week, but I bought some new shoes to wear to work so that may help.  My good friend, Karen, came over the other night and cut my hair.  She is working with me on a possible change that I can't talk about here.  Hopefully, it will be a good thing and I will go with it...but just can't talk about it here.

Tomorrow Michael starts Kindergarten.  An exciting time for our family.  Danny will start preschool later this week.  I can't wait to hear them tell me all about it.

I just wanted to post that I am doing a little better.  I have accepted that this is the way things will be.  I am really glad Mark had a long talk with me before he died.  If he hadn't, it would be so much more difficult.

66,000

I have been watching the counter on this website for the past couple of weeks, realizing that soon it would be hitting 66,000.  Mark's state number times a thousand.  For some reason this is a milestone for me.  Just a few minutes ago I logged onto the site because I received an email that their was a message....and when I looked, it was 66002....which means Mandy was probably the 66,000 hit. 

That makes it very special....his cheerleader being 66 times a thousand.

The past couple of days have been somewhat hard for me.  I don't know why.  Each day I drove home from work, I cried all the way home.  Even when I didn't know I was crying...the tears just fell down my face.

I miss Mark so much.  I just want to talk to him...even for ten minutes would be ok.  I just want to talk to him.

I haven't been able to answer my email, write on this site for a couple of days....just couldn't do it.  Perhaps I am feeling this way because we had set things up so that there was something, for a lack of a better term, something on the horizon.  Mark's birthday, anticipating the holidays without him, taking the cruise with my mom in January, worrying about the first anniversary and how we would handle it, preparing for our trip and taking our trip.

Now, it feels like we have gone through all the milestones, activities that there were to occur...and there is a real sense of emptiness right now.

I just want to talk to him for ten minutes.  I don't think that is asking a lot.

Last week, Don took off the entire week.  He goes back to work in the morning.  One afternoon when I woke up, he was no where around.  Forty five minutes passed until he pulled up in the driveway.  He had been to the cemetery.  He said the grass was growing and that nothing else had changed.

We talked about his friends.  He knows that they still think of him, but have been able to put everything in place.  We knew the visits, the phone calls, the emails would eventually begin to fade.  I showed Don Mark's myspace.....and it gave him great comfort to know that some people still stop by there and leave messages.

I was thinking about all of this the past half hour and was thinking about what I wanted to post tonight.  It is hard, because our pain is just that...our pain.  I know my family reads this and I want them to know that I am ok.....it is just that I get really tearful sometimes.  Yet, I want to be truthful here because this website IS my therapy.  To pretend everything is dragonflies and rainbows is somewhat of a fantasy for me, and allows me to cope with day to day needs.

Right now, there just isn't anything on the horizon.  No more Mark events planned.  Life has moved on, but I have not.

I still think about the evening that he told me he was done and what he said to me before we called his dad and brother, and before Kris Heyde came to the hospital.  I think that hour was the very last hour I had Mark to myself.  After that, there was always Don, John or the rest of his support people around.  It was our last hour....and perhaps the finest one of all.  And the things he said, I will never ever forget.  They are the blueprint for the rest of my life.

I used to hear his voice clear....identifiable....but it is fading.  I need to find one of our family videos where I can hear his voice.  If I could just talk to him on the phone for ten minutes, it would be better.

This evening, while I was thinking about his friends, the fact that Mark's time was no longer a thought to everyone anymore.....I get the "You've Got Mail" sound and go to his website.  He has hit  66,000...and it was Mandy.  Something told me that Markie had something to do with that...and that his friends are still there (I know they are) and he was just reminding me in this special way.

When Mark died, there were 26,000 hits to his website.....over 40,000 since then.  That should tell me something.  I am so glad Mandy left a note...it was the only way I would have known who had been the closest to the milestone.  It helped so very much.

It is late, Don is asleep.  I know my family and friends wonder why I work nights still...a lot of it has to do with times like right now.  No one else is awake, and I am missing my Mark.

Time to go sit with the dragonflies and think awhile.  Even if it is for only ten minutes.

It is going to take me a few days to really put down into words what has been going through my mind lately.  Working 3 twelve  hour shifts leaves me little awake time at home.  I did post a few pictures on a slideshow.....link at left...

It was fine going back to work.  Let's just say Mark got me through the night.  I still need him, still miss him.  I hope he is happy and watching over us.  I think of him almost every minute of everyday.

Off to bed, or I will be a total zombie at work tonight.

Don and I had a wonderful vacation.  We spent nearly every day on the beach and for the first time that I can remember, we came home not exhausted, but somewhat refreshed.

Every day, Mark was there.

We saw him in rainbows above the ship, a rainbow ON the ocean...something I had never seen before, and signs everywhere of him.  We could see he and John when we spent a week at Cocoa Beach a number of years ago....brothers tossing a football to each other (new brothers, every day...we saw this).  One day some young man wearing a yellow Livestrong bracelet, flying a dragonfly kite (mine just never cooperated).

I had to....just had to...buy a boogie board.  I made sure it was blue like the one Mark had bought.  I used it a couple of times one afternoon.  On the way back to our hotel room, we came across a man with his son.  The man had an "Illinois" tshirt on.  We spoke briefly and the apparently had just arrived.....and I gave the boogie board to his son.  The kids' eyes just beamed.  They were going to be there a week.  I told the boy that he could not make his dad ship it back home...that he had to find another boy to give it to when he left.  We told his father the story of Mark making us ship it back and costing us $60.  Still cannot believe we let Mark talk us into that.  So, somewhere this week, there is another dark haired boy who loves the Illini, body surfing on mine/Mark's boogie board.  Makes me happy.

I always need a day to recoup after flying.  I hate to fly.  My doctor gives me medication and I rarely remember taking off, landing.  When we got home, we started unpacking our suitcases and I took a long nap.  Frankie did a really good job taking care of things here.

John and Tabitha came over with the boys.  Yesterday, I took the babies to the pool.  Before we left, Michael gave me an envelope.  On the outside it said "Granny love Michael".  Inside, was the very last picture taken of Mark before the cancer ordeal...it was taken at Christmas two days before his scan, his belly flat, looking like our Mark.  Michael had taken it with his camera.  It is probably my most favorite picture of Mark.  It is hazy because it was taken with a toy camera we had given Michael...but the essence of Mark is still there.  I am going to scan it when I get home in the morning and post it, along with some vacation pictures, tomorrow.  Also included, was a drawing.  It is of three people.....one tall one holding the hands of two little boys.  They look like they are standing on clouds.  It is labeled:  Michael, Mark, Danny.  Such a wonderful welcome home gift.

We are still waiting to see if Don will still be working.  He has made calls to the office but has yet to hear if he is still on the crew.  We knew this was a risky time for him to take off...we will just have to see.

I feel ready to go back to work...better since I have to leave in about 10 minutes.  I am somewhat renewed...but the hurt, the loss, the longing for Mark continues.

It will forever, no matter how renewed we may feel.