Don and I decided that we need to go to the Blarney Stone every year on Mark's birthday.  Friday we spent an enjoyable time with some of the best looking guys in St. Louis....Gene, Pope, Armeake, Johnson and Raj.

On Sunday, around 5pm, Don and I are going to the Stone.  We plan on having a family celebration with the babies on Mark's birthday which is Monday....but we are going to the Blarney Stone on Sunday to celebrate.  John has football meetings on Sunday and won't be able to come...although he might be able to stop in.  So, if you are able to join us at the Blarney Stone..even for a short drink, we would love to see you.

We found that last year spending time with some of Mark's friends on his birthday meant so very much and helped ease the pain.  Mark always took more than one day to celebrate his birthday so by going to the Stone on Sunday...we will continue this tradition.

Still waiting on news from the VA...hopefully that will be coming this month.

Hope to see you on Sunday.

Mark's birthday is soon.  I have been thinking about it, like I have every year for the past 26 years.  Last year, we had his 25th birthday bash and it was wonderful.  The only thing is that he was not here with us physically....although we all felt his presence in a very special way.

Michael and Danny are looking forward to his birthday.  After all, they get a new toy.  I know what Danny is going to get, but haven't figured out what Michael's Uncle Mark present will be.  I know that it is bribery in some sorts.....promising them presents on Uncle Mark's birthday.  It is one way that I can be sure that they will always remember him.  Next year, there will be three presents we will need to have available.

I thought about getting a tattoo of a dragonfly on my shoulder.  The other day Lois and I were shopping at the dollar store and I found a package of dragonfly tattoos....about 35 tattoos in the package.  So, I bought all seven that were available.  All dragonflies...enough to keep me stocked for awhile.

Don and I decided that each of us would make a donation to Mark's benefit account for his birthday.  I want to be able to "do good things in Mark's name" and this past year I have made donations to various charities as well as send checks to others that are facing the trials of desmoplastic small round cell sarcoma.  I bought a pair of pajamas in Mark's name for a patient of mine.  We supported Nicki, Lisa, Megan and a couple of others in their walks/runs for various cancer organizations.  I also pay for this website through his benefit fund.  My goal is to keep the fund alive forever...so that I can be sure Mark's spirit aids others.

Again, on his birthday, Mass will be said in his name at St. Francis.  It is rather amusing to me that everytime we do this...the sermon for the Mass is something I cannot really relate to Mark.  The Mass at his birthday was all about finances for the church and the one on the anniversary of his death wasn't much better.  Still, it is important to me that Mass is said.  Once again, at 8am, I will be at St. Francis on October 6th, celebrating my son's life.

Don seems to be doing much better.  His ride home from work no longer takes him by the cemetery so I believe his visits are not as frequent.  We just finished a long conversation about Mark.  I was folding some of Mark's clothes that I thought Don would want to wear.  He doesn't want to wear them....but does want to keep them in his closet for now.  We have trouble understanding how someone can physically be here...and then not. 

I had another dream about Mark the other night.  I haven't had any in months and now in the past week or so I have had two.  This one I was sitting on a grassy area by a river...there was a big hill behind me.  When I turned, I saw him come over the hill and sit down by me.  We talked about the boats we could see, and just small talk.  He looked healthy, happy and had a full head of hair.  He was dressed as if he just came from work.  After a few minutes, he stood up, and said he had to go.  I asked him if he was going to come back to see me and he said "Mom, I am always here, but I will come back and talk to you later."

Do I even have to say it made my day?

I can check to see where people are from who check in on this website.  During Mark's illness and immediately following his death.....there were visits from every continent and more than 30 different countries.  I know in one respect this is due to the rarity of his cancer.  Another is that Mandy wrote a note on the CNN blog in the spring of 2007.  I also know that some of the visits were from the DSRCT community. 

We even had phone calls.  There was a father in Brazil who called me frequently and even spoke to Mark....giving us hope, support.  His son, Ricardo, as far as I know, is still doing well.  I know that he and Mark had very similar presentations of the cancer and I am sure Mark's death was very disappointing to this family.

I hope, pray, that Mark's strength, faith and hope in fighting his cancer will have long reaching results.  SOMETHING positive must come of this.  It cannot be for nothing.  I know that Michelle is devoting her career to cancer research.  Our family likes to believe that Mark may have had some impact on her decision....I know that Mark believed this to be true.  I remember reading his text messages one afternoon when he was asleep.  "Cure me" is what he texted to Michelle....and she responded "I'm on it" was her response.

A little over a month ago I met another strong,  young cancer patient.  She is a medical student who came to Barnes for treatment for cancer.  I knew that although she would be uncomfortable for awhile, that she will ultimately be OK.  It was her parents that my heart ached for.  I saw the look on her mother's face and it was just all too familiar.  I tried to do everything I could for her daughter...and the mother as well.

She is now back in India, back in medical school.  Before she left, she brought me a gift.  A coffee mug and a keychain.  The keychain is a football helmet and engraved on the tag is "Mark" and "66".  She and her family had seen the picture of Mark I wear on my ID...and I had given them his website address.  Her gift meant so very very much to me.  I hoped that she may find strength from him and I wanted her parents to understand how so very much I understood what they were feeling.  Her name is appropriately Preeti.

Included with the gift was a card.  In it she restated what she told me before she left to go back to India...that she had decided that she was going to return to medical school and specialize in Pediatric Oncology.  She believes that her experience had a purpose....and that learning of Mark's story she has decided that this will be her calling.

Leave it to Mark to have another beautiful girl understand his true spirit, and to try to do things in her life that will hopefully help or cure someone else.

I asked Preeti if I could tell her story in a most general way.  I hope that Mark's friends continue to pray for people like Michelle and Preeti as they continue Mark's fight.  I received an email from her today...she is back in India and trying to catch up on her studies.  Here is part of her email:

I spent part of this weekend doing Mark's laundry.  We had some water leak out of the aquarium one morning...still don't know how that happened...and it ran down into the closet where I have all of Mark's clothes stored.

John and Tabby came over and we went through the bulk of Mark's clothes.  I was so happy that John took some of the things that I enjoyed seeing Mark wear....his Miami Ohio pullover, his leather jacket, and some of his golf shirts.  John and I both agreed Mark's Memphis pullover sweatshirt was something that we needed to keep. 

The water really only reached one bag and I was able to salvage everything by washing what had been in there.  Only a few items I had to throw away.  Everything else, everything John didn't take, I still have.

I have the stupid orange shirt that he bought and brought home from Memphis everytime...just to hear me scream about ironing it.  It is bright pumpkin orange...ugly as sin...and I don't know why he bought it.  I never saw him wear it, that I can remember.  I only know that he liked to ask me to iron it.  I will never throw it away.  I don't know if I can bring myself to iron it again.....but maybe one day when I am having a terrible Missing Mark day, I will.  And I will remember that cocky smile he would give when he would say "I have something I need you to do for me."

It is apparent through his clothes that he was changing sizes...ever so slightly at first.  There were XL and then there were the mediums that we bought for him in his last months.  There are several pairs of slacks with waist sizes from 34 to 40.  There are two or three pairs of pants, jeans still with the labels on them.  He never got to wear them.

It was one of the hardest things I have had to do...pack Mark's clothes for eternity.

I also found a Tiger red Mizuno pullover.  It reminded me of the wonderful gesture by Golf Discount.  Butch had asked me several times throughout Mark's last months "What can we do?  What can we do?"  Finally, one evening I told him what would help.  I knew that Mark's time wouldn't be long.  I had even suggested to Don and John that they get their suits ready so that it wouldn't be an issue when the time came.  I recall John's hesistancy....yet fully understanding.   It was about this time that I asked Butch if he and Mark's "brothers" at Golf Discount what choose what we would bury Mark in.  I couldn't ask Mark.....it just wasn't in me and I knew that was something just too morbid to discuss with him.  Most of clothes didn't fit him anymore and I wanted him dressed the way he would want...and not in the clothes that his Mom would pick out.
The morning of Mark's death......just an hour or two after he left us, Butch arrived with Mark's burial clothes.  A gift from Golf Discount.

They brought one of Mark's favorites...a Tiger red Mizuno, black slacks, new belt.  Perfect.

I remembered this kindness.  I cannot believe I asked them to do this for us.  I don't even know if I told Mark.  I know that Don and John were so grateful that Butch, Tim and the others at Golf Discount had such a role in Mark's funeral.  It is one of those nice moments, nice gestures, that I think about frequently.

Still, it was difficult in going through his clothes.  I found t shirts he had worn to work out in, practice football.  I found his beloved "Shelley shirts".  I found the green shirt he wore the night he went out after finding out his cancer was gone.  I found Mandy's cheerleading jacket.  I found clothes I remember Juliet had suggested he wear.  I found Rams, Blues and Cardinals clothing that he wore to  the sporting events he so loved. 

I kept telling myself and Donnie..."They are just clothes".  Don knew it was hard for me and I believe it was even harder for him because he refused to come downstairs as I was going through things.

Someday, I will get everything out and perhaps iron an orange shirt, or wash all of his t shirts, or maybe even make a quilt out of his clothing.

In the meantime, the tremendous job of living without him continues.

There have been several times in the past couple of years I have thought about changing jobs.  When I started at Barnes, I was a 21 year old new graduate nurse.  I have spent the past 31 years on the same division....something very unusual at Barnes.  Don and I had only been married about six months.  No children, no house and full of dreams and great plans.

Most of those dreams have been realized.  I remember the day I found out I was expecting John....back before the days of patient privacy and HIPPA.  Back then, we could submit our pregnancy tests to the lab.  I remember one of my co-workers had to call the lab and find out about some tests on a patient. I told her...find out about my pregnancy test.  I was sure I wasn't pregnant but we had a patient that was radioactive and I wanted to be sure I could take that patient.  I was putting someone back to bed and then went out to look at the assignments.  I wasn't assigned that one patient....and asked why.  The charge nurse said "Oh, the lab said your pregnancy test was positive."  That's how I found out John was coming....a co-worker told me.

There was a core group of us back then...the ones I think about when I think of my early days in my career.  One of them, Mary, was a very good friend.  She was John's godmother.  She also became my boss after a couple of years.  She also did something no friend should ever have to do for another...she bathed my beautiful son the hour after he died, making him and his surroundings presentable for Don, John, me and the rest of the family.

There have been some very good things that happened to me at Barnes, some very special people, and some very special experiences.  There has also been some instances that even now I feel have been cruel, and why I continued to subject myself after all these years, is beyond me.

I think it is that way with any job.  Any job will have its problems.  But for me, having to face everyday people struggling with cancer is more than I want to do for the remainder of my career.  I was going to change about three or four years ago, but there were obstacles placed in my way.

Then, Mark got sick again.  I knew that my job, and plans that I had, needed to be put aside.  After Markie died, I knew I had to be sure that I could even take care of anyone again.  I promised Mark that I would go back to work.  I remember the day I returned after being off so long taking care of him, taking care of my family.  I gave myself one year.  One year to see if I could still take care of sick people.

I think I did pretty well.  There are still times that I wonder, but I know that Mark's story and our story have helped others.  I wear his picture on my ID and never hesistate to tell why it is there.  He has helped me this past year....and I remember my Yoda everytime I drive into work.

It is hard to change jobs after so many years in the same place.  Medical students that came through my unit when I first started are now attending physicians, probably looking to retire soon.  I have enjoyed a wonderful tenure at Barnes....but I lack the energy and drive to continue.

Just when the anniversary of returning to work came around, an oppurtunity came to me.  I didn't go looking for another job...it came to me.  My good friend, Karen, works at VA at Jefferson Barracks.  One mile away.  There have been many times I toyed with the idea of going there, but there was always something holding me back.  For the past six weeks, I have been praying, investigating and meeting with people at VA.  I think this is the right place.  The right move.  The right time.

The first time I went over there.....I parked in the exact little parking lot Mark had taken me to a number of years ago to watch fireworks.  My favorite fourth of July memory.  The division I am so interested in working on...the same one in which Karen works...is the the Spinal Cord Injury unit.  It is in building 52.....one of Mark's football numbers.

Much of what I have experienced at Barnes will be perfect for this division.  It is only a mile away...and even though I am looking for something different the financial savings of this move will be something positive.  In parking, gas alone...I know over the next ten years I will be working I will save over $25,000.  Everything seems right...the people, the patients, the building number, and I know that my dad is thrilled that I am considering this as he was a hospital navy corpsmen.

Still, there is that hesitancy...is this right?  Should I take it?  Will this be the right thing for me to do?  I decided on two weeks ago on a Friday to accept the new position.  I still felt not totally at ease.  After all, I have only had one job in my life...the one at Barnes.

The next day, my brother came over.  I had talked to Debbie A. about the job and she was excited...as excited as I felt I should have been.  I asked him what he thought about my new job and he said "You have to take it."  I told him I was but again he said "You have to take it."  It was then he showed me what he had in his hand.

It was a page from that morning's Post-Dispatch.  There was an ad at the bottom of the page...a nice colorful ad.  Written above it in my sister-in-law's handwriting was "You wanted a sign????"

The ad is for the Department of VA Affairs for positions for pharmacists, physicians, LPN and RN.  It claims "Be a hero everyday"......and the figure who is stating this, is Superman.  The phone number is for Jefferson Barracks.  I have posted the ad on this page.

I know that is Mark saying, "Take it, Take it".  It probably is one of the best signs from him that I have.  Now, I know it is the right thing.

I have told the people I work with that I will be leaving.  I know some don't believe me, some may think it is a passing idea that I have.  It is going to be a little unsettling over the next couple of weeks / months as I await the reference check and security clearances.  Then there will be the entire experience of learning about a new place to work.

But it will be good.  I will have more time with Don, be more available to my family, and be able to leave Barnes with a positive feeling.  I also feel that not only will this new experience be good for me, I know that I can help others there.  I look forward to that. 

With every new experience that will happen as I get ready to start a new chapter in my career, I will realize that every positive thing that happens will be a gift from my superhero.

Over the past week I have been "visited" by Mark in a number of ways.  I think he is helping me make a decision regarding something, and I have truly enjoyed his help.  It is too early for me to explain here what it is all about, but hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to share it with everyone.  I just want to make sure the timing is right and everything is in place.

One thing that has disturbed me is that we promised Mark that someone would always play for him in the Hearst-Houska golf tournament.  Neither of his cousins, nor his brother, are able to play and I am so upset that so early we have not been able to meet his request.  I have a few calls out, but if someone would play for Mark....I would gladly pay the registration fee.  The tournament is next Saturday.

I did something Friday I haven't done since Mark was in high school.  I went to the Panthers' pre-game meal.  It was so nice of Lisa Krueger to invite me.  Just like the old days, I worked nights the night before and got no sleep because of some important phone calls I had to make Friday morning.  It was a little more unnerving than I thought it would be...watching the players come in, and then gather together in the Krueger's basement. It brought back so many memories.  Let me tell you, these Panthers eat better than any of my old boys did.  Yet, what I know is important about the player meals has remained the same:  it isn't the food, it isn't the environment, it is more of the team building that occurs with these player meals.

It was good to be back at Mehlville.  It was good to be greeted by our wonderful Mehlville family who has supported us every step of Mark's journey, and our journey that follows.  We were greeted and hugged by so many....Charlie Rodriquez, Susan Hurt (why she has that last name when all she ever does is make me feel good everytime I have ever seen her), Judy Archibald, and many others.  I think that both Don and I feel very comforted, very safe on that campus.

Don and I went to the game as did Katie, Kyle, Grandma Joyce, Tabby and the boys.  Danny and Michael ran and ran and ran up and down the hill so that by the time they left they were totally exhausted.  They both enjoyed seeing their dad down on the sidelines and despite all the players, coaches, and others down there, they both could immediately pick out their dad.  They were very delighted when Granny took them down to where the Panther was on the track...and despite the heat...the Panther put his "head" back on and gave each of the boys a high five.  I remember doing that with Kyle a long time ago.

We enjoyed spending some time with Bill and Denise Frank.  They no longer have anyone playing, cheering or dancing but still feel very much a part of Mehlville.  I suppose they feel very much like Don and I do....that stadium is where their kids really grew up. 

As Denise and I were standing around while I ate my hot dog, we saw Coach Heyde come in with Kris.  That is class.  I am sure it was hard for Coach to come in the "back door", and not be down on the sidelines.  I am not sure if he understands that he will always be down on the field.

Throughout the evening, however, I kept thinking of one image.  It was a picture I saw at the Krueger home in their dining room.  It struck me so soundly in my heart that I had to ask Lisa the story.  It is a drawing of a large hand coming down from Heaven, holding onto the hand of a baby (I think).  It was a gift to them when Tyler's grandfather died. 

Being in the Krueger's home...the home of the first recipient of Mark's award...on my first pre-game meal since Mark's team....and being about a baby....something that is so real for our family right now....I could do hardly anything but look at it.  Then, I saw the title of the picture:  "Go Forward."

I thought about it all afternoon until we got to Mehlville.  Then, in looking at Mark's goalpost as we entered the stadium, it all came into focus.

Despite everyone not knowing what I am working on, please be assured that it is about going forward.

That is what last week was all about and I remember Mark telling me much of the same:  you have to keep going.

Magical  message that came to me because of Mark.