I really am missing Mark this week.  I guess it is because of the holidays coming up and trying to pretend that everything is the same when it never really will be again.

There seem to be so many rules that go with the holidays.  How to dress. Where to shop. Who to buy for. Where to be at what time.  It is just too consuming for me this year.  

I read back to where I was at emotionally last year and it has occurred to me that the first year is one of anticipating change.  There is some degree of excitement to that.  I know now how it is without Mark during the holidays.  Although new memories are made, new experiences with the grandchildren, the fact that my Christmases past are gone forever really hit home to me.

I remember thinking that things would be different.  There would be lots of people coming to the house, lots of presents exchanged, lots of food.  The reality is that just isn't the case.  I miss the commotion....it just isn't at this house.

It is fun having believers like Michael and Danny.  Yet, that isn't constant here unless they are here.  Even then, it isn't what I am used to.  There isn't the anxiety of trying to figure out what to buy Mark.  He would get whatever he wanted on his own.  There isn't the anticipation of him coming home from Memphis.  There isn 't the worry that he is out partying too much.

John and Tabitha have their own traditions, their own family things that they like to do and I appreciate and honor that they have such a strong family unit.  I only hope that they relish every single minute.  They need to memorize everything because someday their boys and baby to be will be grown and on their own.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and spending the day with my mom, my brother and my sisters.  We all have our quirks but one thing we do share together is remembering what it was like to have five dollars to spend on each other....totally.  We all share that same memory from childhood that everyone has uniquely their own.  Don and my sons probably never understood what my sisters and brother laughed about.  Those things don't change.  Maybe, once again, I will spend a dollar and buy my brother a deck of cards...the one gift he was always able to guess no matter how I would change it.

I don't know what everyone expects of people who have lost a child or young adult to do, feel, or behave during the holidays.  I do know that it is simple things, simple gestures, hugs given to us when there is someone missing that means more than anything that can be bought at a store.

Last year I spent the holidays trying to do activities that would keep me occupied, perhaps not thinking about what was going on.  In order to be able to participate and feel the joy of future holiday season, I am going to try and concentrate and put into place what all the holidays without Mark will mean....and find ways to find these as special as well.

In the meantime, I know it will be unpopular.

The past week is one I am glad is over.  I like to think I have a high pain tolerance, but a week ago Thursday, I started having severe back/flank pains and finally decided around 11pm to take myself to the emergency room.

Don was asleep and had to get up to go to work early.  The last time I went to the ER, Mark took me.  So, I just said a prayer, left Don a note, and drove myself in there.  I figured no one would miss me until morning, and by that time I would know what was going on.

I had a CT scan in the ER and thought about Mark and the many times he had to have a scan.  Truthfully, I was glad to have one and learn that I didn't have anything to worry about...there were no kidney stones, no abnormalities.  I remember thinking that if only that had been the same for Mark.

The ER doc said that the pain and the route it was taking, was very suspicious for shingles.  That's all I needed.  I have no sick time, no vacation time, and can't afford to be off two weeks while I let shingles heal.  They sent me home with some narcotics, which I only took once or twice.  I spent the weekend in misery.

When I went to my private doc the following Monday, she said that she thought I had shingles.  I guess both docs saw that my side and back were reddened...but I finally figured that out and I know it was from keeping a heating pad on me all of the time.  She told me not to work for at least four more days to wait for the pain to subside if it was muscular , or wait for the shingles to appear.

I am better now.  I haven't had to have the heating pad on me since yesterday morning.  I tried real hard not to whine.  Don rarely ever complains and he hurts quite a bit of the time...and our Mark never ever complained.

I spent a lot of time doing nothing....because I just couldn't do anything.  I couldn't sit long enough at the computer to write, couldn't really concentrate on the baby blocks I am embroidering.  I was absolutely miserable at the little gathering Tabitha had for John's 30th birthday. 

Instead, I would sit in Don's easy chair with the massage mechanism going, heating pad in place, and think about things.  I retraced every moment of Mark's time home with us before the cancer came back and how so very happy he was.  It was better medicine than anything that could have been prescribed.

So, that is where I have been the past ten days or so....trying to get better so I can go back to work.  I toyed with the idea of hoping to go back on Friday, but I was no way ready.  I will be back tomorrow night, in full force.  I don't even feel an inkling of the discomfort.

Today, I spent part of the day in Mark's garden.  I took down the dragonfly lights....and thought about how they will not be lit again until the night of June 12...shining into the 13th....for Dragonfly Night.  It will be a Friday this year and I will look forward to having them light up again.  I cut back some of the vines and reminded myself that we have to plant Cardinal Red next year.  Don is going to bring in our angel statue and put it somewhere in the house.  I just don't want it outside all winter.

I wanted some activity to test my tolerance, but what it did mostly was test my emotions.  I think the next couple of weeks may be harder than they were last year.

I made a point of finding things to do for the holidays so that we could get through the first ones without Mark.  The traditions are sort of in place.  I have his Christmas tree ready to put on his grave in a couple of weeks.  I have found two beautiful dragonflies to symbolize our two Christmases without him ready to be placed on the tree.  But, there isn't much energy in my right now to look forward to the holidays.

I really don't even want to put up the tree.  I won't get down our original decorations yet...still just not ready.  It is hard to get excited or in the holiday spirit.  Part of me feels that if I do, then I am accepting that it is ok that Mark is not here and that just will never be true.

I so appreciated the long note from Tim Watkins.  I cried for the first time in awhile when I read it...because I could picture everything that he said.  I miss all the entries that were placed on the website in the early months.  No one can ever understand how these messages comfort us.  No day, no hour goes by without me thinking about Mark.  It certainly helps from time to time to know that others think about him once in awhile as well.

Some things like dragonfly lights and statues can be put away.  Others, never.

Seventeen months....that is how long it has been since we lost our Mark.  I thought about this a lot over the weekend and knew that there was another 17 months that occurred before.

Mark lived in Memphis 17 months.   Now, he has been in Heaven for that length of time as well.  The only difference has been that we have been without direct communication with him during these past 17months...except for some messages or signs from him that I truly believe he has been sending.

I remember when Mark came home from work at South County Golf Discount one day with the idea that perhaps he would go to Memphis.  He had just had a clear scan the day after Christmas, had gone to work, told his Golf Discount brothers of his good news...and was presented with this chance.

Earlier that fall he had contemplated several moves.  I believe, in some respect he wanted to "get out of Dodge."  He loved St. Louis but the events of the past year made him want to get on with his life.  He thought about moving with Jeff to Phoenix if Jeff took a job there.  When that fell through, and the chance to go to Memphis came up, he gave it considerable thought.

Perhaps he took it because all of us felt it would be good for him.  As his mom, I wanted him to experience living on his own, having his own place, his own experiences.  Things were wonderful those couple of weeks when he was thinking about it.  Mark was well, and feeling great.  Daniel was born and I know that Danny's birth threw somewhat of a wrench in his decision.  He didn't want to miss out on anything concerning Danny or Michael.  In time, after visiting Memphis with Scott Pope and later his grandmother, he felt that it would be a good move for him.

I spent days getting things together for him.  Very late one night, Mark and I went to Walmart and bought just about everything he would need to set up his apartment.  Mark liked to cook and was very particular about the kitchen items he chose.  I remember we spent close to $400.  Tabby and I still have many of the kitchen things that Mark had chosen that night.

He went to Memphis with his grandmother to pick out an apartment.  He and I had looked online at several and chose three for him to check out.  I had to work and couldn't go with him...and he didn't want me to anyway.  We didn't get along well in the car and it was best that he took Grandma Joyce along.  They picked out a beautiful apartment....where the windows of his apartment were within thirty feet of a golf course.  Perfect for Mark.

There was a caravan going to Memphis that weekend we moved Mark in.  Don, John, Frankie, Grandma, Paul, Mark and myself all went down there.  Mark, of course, beat us to the apartment.  He and Paul had a leisure hour or two waiting for us.  We quickly moved everything in.  I recall Grandma came down with the flu and was just miserable.  John and Frankie quickly put together some of Mark's furniture, grabbed a bite to eat, then headed back to St. Louis.  John had a newborn baby, a 2 year old, and a tired wife at home and wanted to get back.

We spent that evening getting Mark's apartment together.  The cable guy came and hooked up Mark's Internet..which at first was a problem but was finally able to get online.  Paul hung up the artwork Grandma had bought for Mark....golf pictures, and two contemporary paintings that he wanted above his couch.

Before he had left St. Louis, I told him he could take anything in the house that he wanted.  He took our family room couches, Don's big TV, and his bed.  We bought the rest of the things for him. I remember he wanted some sort of table to place just inside the door.  I found him what was actually a bar cabinet and he loved it.  His saltwater tank now sits on it.

Everyone else fell asleep.  Don was also sick, Paul and Mark went out exploring....and I was left putting all of Mark's things away.  It was fun.  I was happy.  Even though I didn't really want him away...I knew the move was good for him, and for me.  Every time Mark sneezed, complained of a stomach ache, or said he was tired....I went into panic mode.  He needed this move to get away from me more than anything else.

Mark did not know a soul in Memphis.  He called the manager of his store...which wouldn't open for another couple of weeks, and they agreed to meet the next day.  Everyone but me went to look at where Mark would be working and I heard that it was really nice and really close.

The next morning, Paul, Grandma, Don and me got ready to leave.  I remember Mark sitting on his couch, in his new apartment, and I could sense that he just wanted us to go....so he could get on to the store, meet his new manager.  I felt that I was abandoning him....and I knew that in my heart we weren't.  We had been told by doctors the year before that Mark wouldn't be here at this time...and here he was, sitting in his new apartment, in a new city....healthy, happy and well.

I didn't cry.  He called us when we were half way home and asked me if I had finished crying..and I told him I didn't even cry.  He didn't believe me.  I gave him two weeks, then my mom and I and Vicki next door drove down for a weekend.  In June, Don and I spent a couple of days with him.  He came home every six weeks or so.  In March of 2006, I spent three days in Memphis with Mark.  That is when I had the nightmare that his cancer came back, and I crept into his bedroom and watched him sleep for about two hours...the whole time shaking and crying.

Mark was most distressed his first summer in Memphis because his Dad's birthday and Father's Day were the same day and he couldn't come home.  We instant messaged each other all of the time.  It was during one of these sessions Mark came up with the idea of surprising Don and flying Don to Memphis on his birthday.  That Father's Day, we went to church, then went over to John's for lunch.  Don opened his birthday and Father's Day presents....to find out that he had about two hours to get to the airport.  He spent Father's Day having lunch with one son, and dinner in Memphis with the other.  I hope Don remembers that Father's Day more that the one that would occur two years later...the one where we greeted our family and friends at Kutis in honor of Mark.

Mark's time in Memphis helped prepare at least me for his absence.  Although I could call him, talk to him via the computer, he was still gone.  I so enjoyed him calling me at 9:05 every night and talking to him as he drove home from work.  I can't do that anymore. 

The first 17 months were sure easier than these.  He got to come home and we got to hug him after those months...this time we can't.

Almost a week ago I had to work on my computer by reinstalling software.  Somewhere along the line I lost the connections to this website...the sole reason right now for me even having a computer.

Took a good part of the day, but I am finally back online.  In the meantime, I have had a neat thing happen and also went to Angel Moms.  I also had my physical at VA so things were busy the past couple of days.

Last Monday, Danny came to spend the morning with me.  He brought along a couple of toys, his "guys", and a freshly blown up orange balloon he got when his Mama went to the bank.

"I am going to send it to Uncle Mark," was the reason for him bringing the balloon.  I felt a little bad, knowing that it didn't have helium in it and it probably wouldn't fly away for him.  I asked him where he wanted to go and send it to Mark, and he told me "the angel".

So, the two of us went outside and he put the balloon by the angel in the garden.  We then went over to give Sage her treats and I noticed that the wind took the balloon and blew it under the patio table.  It stayed there the entire time we were outside, and I made a mental note to myself to be sure to get the balloon later so that Danny would believe that it had gone to its destination.

About an hour later, Danny and I went back outside.  I looked under the table and around the yard...no orange balloon.  I said "it is gone" and Danny quickly said, so excited, "Uncle Mark flew down and got it!!"  I looked and looked, and couldn't find it.  We went back inside because I was so sure the balloon was somewhere in the yard and didn't want to disappoint Danny.  Again, I told myself that I needed to get back out there and look for it.

Danny left, Granny took a nap and went to work.  Later the next day, before I got ready to go to work, I went out to look for the balloon.  I didn't find it.  What I did find was marigolds blooming in the exact spot where I had last seen the balloon....growing between the paving bricks of our patio under the table.

When Don came home, I showed him the flowers that were blooming and told him the story.  He had been out on the patio the previous evening and said there were no flowers growing under the table then.  We don't even have marigolds in our yard and neither do our neighbors.

Something tells me that something special happened there.  Despite the freeze the night before, Danny's balloon to Mark landed in a spot and stayed there until marigolds bloomed.  I tried to take a picture of the flowers...but my camera kept shutting off.  I guess not only can you not take a picture of an angel...you can't take a picture of their flowers either.

I remembered Mark telling me "I will never leave you, Mom.  Just look around and you will see me."

He's right...he didn't go away.