Christmas went very well.  It went much better than I expected th us validating what I think I have figured out:  the anticipation of not having Mark here on Christmas Day is worse than the day itself. 

I worked the night before and thought about the many years I drove home to be greeted by two little DeWalle brothers, who were either standing in the front door or looking out of the living room window for me to pull up.  Not that they were so excited to see me........but they knew that it would soon be time to open presents.

Same thing happened, only different DeWalle brothers and a different year.

I actually sat in the car an extra fifteen seconds so I could once again see those faces, and watch as they ran back through the living room into the kitchen to tell their parents that "Granny is home!"

Tabitha, John, Don and my mom had fixed a very nice breakfast.  The boys, of course, were not hungry.  They told me during breakfast what Santa had brought them.  I told them that there were only three or four presents downstairs for them  (Ok, I lie to my grandchildren).  They had to wait for the table to be cleared, and for everyone else to go downstairs.  They waited at the top of the stairs until everyone was settled.

It was fun watching their faces.  Michaels was excited over his own tape dispenser, stapler and some toy that has "pins" where  you can make an impression of your face or hands.  His look to me was priceless.  I know my Michael.

Danny was a character.  Stopping to try on a new sweater much to the disgruntlement of his brother (one present at a time, and have to wait until the other one is done).  Then, he had to try on his new snow boots ("They make me higher!")  He was a a regular rocker playing his toy guitar.

We all spent the next hour untwisting toys from their boxes, inserting batteries.  It was a very nice Christmas morning.

Don opened his book, and for the rest of the day, he could be found reading it.  Many times he had to stop because it was just a little intense for him.  I think he liked it.  I know that reading it is allowing him to remember again some of the little details that he may have forgotten.

The last time we had Christmas downstairs, was Mark's last Christmas.  I thought about it several times and now we have a new memory to go with the old.  I thought of him very often, wishing he were there, hoping that he was watching us and enjoying the antics of his nephews.

I also thought of my fellow Angel Moms.  I had a link made for my bracelet that says "Angel Mom" and looked at it several times, knowing that those who also have the link are feeling a sense of loss.

After an afternoon nap, Don and I went to the cemetery.  I had slept longer than I wanted to and it was starting to get dark.  I wanted to be sure to go to the cemetery.  All of the graves were decorated but I think Mark's looked so nice.  There were the flowers, his little angel tree and a beautiful wreath that Don had placed there the day before.  We were the only ones in the cemetery at that time.  Although we did "ok", I knew that it wasn't fair, wasn't right, that we were in a cemetery on Christmas Day, thinking once again of our Mark.

We went over to Coach Heyde's house for a visit.  Their home was full of relatives and of course Kris had it so nicely decorated.  I like to pretend to myself that going to Coach Heyde's house replaced us going to wherever Mark would be living.  On their tree is the dragonfly ornament we gave to them, as well as the Mehlville football player with angel wings we gave to Coach last year.  I so enjoyed talking to Kris' mom, who also is an angel mom.  I felt that perhaps we were intruding some, but they and their family are such warm, friendly people.  I think they knew they were filling a void for Don and me.  It was so nice to have somewhere to go.  For me, it was our link to Mark on Christmas Day.

We felt less alone, less forgotten.  We wanted to allow John and Tabitha time with her family, even though I knew we would be welcomed.  Don and I needed time to ourselves, time to remember Mark, and time to pretend we were doing something Mark related.  Spending time with Coach Heyde, for us, was that Mark time.

We of course had to go see Michael and Danny and see all of the toys that they got from Santa.  We watched the video from the day starting with the boys opening their presents at home very early in the morning....off to Granny's...then off to Mawmaw's.  I am sure the boys were asleep before we even made it the short drive home.

Lisa came over shortly thereafter.  She and Mark spent several Christmas Eves together, driving around and looking at lights, then going out for something to eat at midnight.  We love Lisa so much and to be able to have her to ourselves and catch up with her was truly a gift.  I know that with tax season starting soon, she will be so busy at work.  I hope she remembers to take time for herself.

Like Lisa, I kept missing Juliet.  Between working, family gatherings, me sleeping....we just kept missing each other.  Although Don was long time asleep, I was thrilled when she called me around midnight and said that she could come by then.  I had told her to please call...no matter how late...and was worried that she wouldn't.  She brought a wonderful plate of goodies that her mom fixed, and we talked about her life, her boyfriend, her family and of course, Mark.  She was able to stay until about 3am.

The anticipation of not having Mark time on Christmas, was filled by the Heydes, Lisa and Juliet.  Just like the Angel Mom link on my bracelet...they too were the links for Christmas with Mark for me.

     It is Christmas Eve and Granny and Papa have everything ready downstairs.  I am getting ready to go to work tonight, Don is asleep on Mark's couch and I have a few minutes before I leave to wrap his book, and think.
     The last time I posted here, I ended it without really making any sense.  I received an email and made a phone call while I was writing.  An important email, and important phone call.....to Juliet.
     I haven't heard from Juliet in several months.  She would occasionally post on the guestbook, email me and I last saw her last Christmas.  It meant so very much to Don and I that she contacted us.  She was a very important part of Mark's life and I know that Mark loved her.  She is doing well, visiting her parents for the week.  She moved to California in August and is happy, prospering, and in what seems to be a very good relationship.  Mark would want her happy.
     Mandy has sent me emails and I think of her so often.  So many pictures of her and Lisa are in Don's book.  They forever will be very dear to our family and the fact that they still contact us, talk about Mark with us, mean more than they will ever know.
     Scott and Nick Pope came by this afternoon, just like they did last Christmas Eve.  I was so very glad they did.  I had secretly hoped that we would see them but know they have other obligations and places to go.  I know they come by not just to see us, but to also send us the message that they are thinking of Mark.  2009 will be a very special year for Scott and Don and I are very excited for him.  Whenever I see him, I think of all the nights...all the many nights...that Scott would be at the hospital with Mark.  He was always there for Mark as well as the free coffee.  Scott acted as the third brother throughout our journey with Mark...supporting Don and me and being there for John.  It was Scott, whom John called when Mark's cancer returned, and it was Scott who contacted everyone for John.  Mark loved Scott and when we knew that Mark's hours were quickly passing, Mark had me call Scott to come over.  I never think of Scott Pope without remembering what friendship truly means.
     Last night at work, something special happened.  I got a Christmas present.  If there is any wish that I could be granted, it would be Mark, or something from Mark.  A sign, a hello, a "I'm OK, Mom,".  I got it last night.
     A patient needed an IV...not one of my patients but I was free and if there is one thing I am pretty good at, it is starting IVs.  I always tell the patients that I am a good sticker, and I can get blood out of a goldfish.  This gentleman was apprehensive about needles and was trying to distract himself from what I was doing.  He kept turning his head to watch the little TV and when I looked at the screen, I chuckled.  I said, "So, you are a golf nut?"  He was watching an old classic golf tournament.  He told me he liked to play but wasn't very good but really loved the game.  I told him that I had a son that used to call me and have me record things on TV...golf.  Why anyone would want to record a golf game was beyond me.  For some reason, I just casually said "I lost him last year."  The patient turned to me and said:

"Mark.  You are Mark's mom."
     
     I couldn't believe it.  I told him yes, my son's name was Mark...and how did he know that?  He told me that he had met Mark several times and that he was a friend of Ned who I think owns Golf Discount.  He recounted how he had met Mark at one of the meetings in St. Charles.  He knew all about Mark's cancer, that he he was a manager at Golf Discount, that he had died.  He was just as taken back with the fact that I was Mark's mom, as I was that he knew my son.
     I sat that and cried, and he apologized for apparently upsetting me.  I told him that I was OK, that I had hoped for something, anything from Mark, and that he had just given me my Christmas present.  Mark, I am sure, reached to me through this patient.
     Debbie said there has to be three things.  This man was not assigned to me.  I am good at starting IVs.  I just happened to be the one to go in and start his IV.  Had he not had a classic golf game on TV, the subject never would have come up.  Everything was set up, to tell me hello from Heaven.
     At my mom's Christmas on Sunday, for me, the highlight, the one moment where I felt that things were ok, that Mark was a part of everything, was what I hope will become an activity every year.  Mike and Debbie designed a game about Mark, where all family members participate,
     Teams are set up.  Each time has to answer a question with as many answers as possible.  Last year, it was "Name all the places Mark ever worked, or at least got paid for showing up."  It was amazing how many places he had worked.  I remember everyone laughing about TeeTime...should they count it as one, or three times since Mark was fired from there 3 times.  He had worked at Easton Tire where he taught himself to drive a stick shift, after telling the owner he already knew how....and how dirty Mick and him would get from working there.  He delivered sandwiches for Mr.Goodcents.  He worked at Riverport.  He worked for Golf Discount...and they allowed each store he was at to be mentioned.  I believe they came up with nearly 20 different places.  It gave everyone a good twenty minutes to remember, to laugh, and to think about Mark.
     As Don and I were driving out to Mom's, I remembered this fromt he previous year.  I was so surprised, so pleased, that Deb and Mike again had a Mark activity.
     There was so much going on that we didn't get to the game until John and Tabby left.  It actually was perfect for me.  Everyone else was there with their child....mine was gone...or so I thought.  Mike and Deb brought out this year's version with Don and me as one team.  Perfect.  It made me realize that I still had a "kid" there...even if it was just memories.  Everyone was concentrating on Mark.  The question:  Name the places Mark has been.
     There were the mentions of Memphis, Las Vegas, various places in Florida, Washington DC, Columbia, Missouri, and of course, Monterey. 
     Yet, the one place that made me feel safe, made me realize that not all was lost, was when Cassie (who still wears her Mark bracelet) said "Heaven" and Mick quickly said, "Yes, Heaven. His big trip."
     I am not sure if anyone else heard them, but they wrote it down on their side of the scorecard.  I had trouble thinking after that, thinking of places where Mark had been.  Instead, concentrating on where he was.  I appreciated the impact that this game had on me.  From that moment forward, I no longer felt lost.  I no longer felt out of sorts, without my kid.  NO other place Mark had ever been to was as important.  I know this wasn't the goal of the game....but it sure has helped me the past couple of days.  I can't wait for next year's game.
     After all, I did get a postcard, a message of sorts, last night from Heaven.

     Christmas is almost here and I am as ready as I am going to be.  Still not overjoyed in the holiday spirit but I think I am passing through things well.

     I haven't been to Mark's grave since we put his little tree and decorations there.  Don has been there several times to make sure the tree is still standing with all the wind and rain we have had.  Don and me will go there together Christmas Day in the afternoon.  By that time, our real Christmas will be over.  We have nothing planned, no where to go in the afternoon or evening and it will be interesting to see what we end up doing.  I know I have to work the night before, so we may just take a Christmas Day nap and be done with it.

     I have Don's book done.  It is about 300 pages.  He isn't much of a reader and I don't know if he will ever do anything with it but look at all the pictures I put in.  There are some smudges from the ink, some fingerprints of mine here and there, and occasionally when I would put in a picture, some of the sentences would disappear.  I believe, however, it is a good remembrance of those final weeks with Mark and the many weeks that follow.

     It was therapeutic for me to do, however, I feel a sense of loss again.  I know that I will do this yearly.  I will continue to compile the blogs at the end of the year for him to read and to put into book form a message for our grandsons when we are no longer here.  It is healthy for me to write about Mark...to see his name and his experiences in words.  I wanted to make a list of all the people who were so special to him, who helped us in so many ways, who make an effort to remind us that they have not forgotten Mark, but, it was too time consuming for the little amount of time I had to finish Don's book.  It is something that I am going to work on over the next couple of months.

     We had Christmas with my Mom and my brother, sisters and their children.  Michael dressed up as Santa Claus and this year actually made an appearance in front of everyone.  He even handed out each of the presents, stopping only to open the ones for himself.

     My brother gave me a deck of cards.  I didn't even know that is what was in the package.  It was special.  Katie gave me a dragonfly keyring and glasses....so special.  Debe Dodo gave me a Bonanza DVD.....I loved that show only because I remember all of us would watch it every Sunday night together.  My brother would ALWAYS say "I saw the previews.  Joe (or whoever) is going to get killed tonight for real."  All of us girls would cry, Dad would yell at Mike, and Mom would tell us all to sit down and behave and hand out the popcorn.  Great memories.  What I liked best about the gift from Debe is that Cassie wrapped it...and cut out four paper dragonflies to decorate the package.  I put the DVD with our collection of movies and put the dragonflies on my desk.

    Before my mother handed out her gifts, she gave one to Don and me.  Actually, the card was addressed to Mark and it was a check for his benefit fund.  This past year we have donated several hundred dollars to cancer walks, sponsored Lisa Schnurbusch in her 3 day Chicago breast cancer event, sent money to DSRCT patients, and most recently purchased a beautiful Bible for one of my patients.  We want to continued to do good things in Mark's name and we appreciated Mom's gift...but even more appreciated the moment when some of us cried and remembered who was not there.

     Today when I went to feed the fish, my beautiful Coral Beauty (Corie) was at the bottom of the tank.  I bought her about a month after Mark died and she was my favorite.  For a moment, I felt that I had let Mark down.  Perhaps I had done something when I cleaned the tank the other day.  I still have Dorie and the two clownfish.  I hope they all are ok.  Just didn't help my day at all.

     I suppose that Christmas will go on without fanfare.  We aren't really exchanging gifts, except for the babies.  Don knows that I made him something and he may have some sort of idea of what it is but there really isn't the sneaking, the hiding, the expectations.  It hardly seems like Christmas.  I work tonight and will sleep all day Christmas Eve since I have to work that night as well.  I am sure the evening will be different, a little sullen.  I won't know until about 9pm if I will be needed at work.

     There is some degree of disappointment.  I think about how Mark would be working late nights until Christmas at the store.  I wonder how the people at Golf Discount Fairview Heights are doing and have thought about calling them, but just can't do it.  What would I say?  I think about Tim and how busy he must be in his new job with GD and all the running from store to store he must be doing.  (He is over what I call the Dragonfly section of Golf Discount....all the stores that Mark worked at including Memphis).  I know that I would be worrying so much about Mark driving back and forth in this weather.  I know that I wished I were worrying about that.

     So, other than John and his family being here Christmas morning, Don and I are on our own.  We will have to find something to entertain us, something that will make the day special.  I have thought about spending the afternoon watching the videos we have of past Christmases, but am unsure if that is a reasonable thing to do.

     I will talk to Don tomorrow evening and see how he feels about it.  If I could only get in my head that this would be a good time to start something new.  I just want the something old.

     I had a conversation with my favorite co-worker, Patti O'Toole, the other night about Time's Person of the Year.  Patti and I talk more about current events and "What the hell!!" news stories.  We always try and do a current event quiz and never seem to get above 60%.  I didn't say we were smart...just that we talk a lot.
     Patti, I don't believe, thought it was impressive that Obama was named Person of the Year.  I actually thought the American voter should have been considered.  Patti thought Michael Phelps should be named.  I told her that Michael Phelps, although what he accomplished was outstanding, still needed to do something that would make a difference for everyone.  A lively banter continued and she brought up Lance Armstrong.
     Now she was messing with fire.  For me, it isn't Armstrong's athletic accomplishments that endear me to him....it is what he did with his name and fame in bringing about a better awareness, a better understanding of testicular cancer.  I am sure thousands of lives have been saved...all in the name of Lance Armstrong.
     Mark didn't have the usual testicular cancer...but it was his awareness of testicular cancer that brought his problem to the attention of Dr. Stahle.  It is what we hope that young men familiar with Mark's story will remember:  the importance of self testicular exam.  Lance Armstrong made a difference.  In a smaller way, I hope that Mark's story also makes a difference.

     The one person who made a difference in Mark's life, among many, was Coach Gary Heyde.  I believe that Coach now understands the impact he has made in over 725 varsity Mehlville football players throughout the year.  At his retirement party in June, a video was shown that was put together by a Booster parent, Pat Regan.  I had mentioned to Pat at that time that it would be so wonderful if this could be put on YouTube so that all the people who were unable to attend could see this video.

     This morning, I received an email from Pat and the video is now available.  Take a few minutes and watch it.  Send it to others you think will want to see it.
    Here is the link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9RWLmJaOvI

    See how incredible this man has been to so many....watch for John and his teammates, Mark and his teammates, and around 7:16 look for number 5:  Tyler Krueger, the first Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award recipient.

     Perhaps Time magazine got it all wrong.....in our family Coach Heyde has always been Man of the Year.

I have spent almost every waking hour, and then some hours where I wasn't truly awake, putting together the book for Don.  This is the last entry I will make in his book....at least for this year.  It won't be the last for this website.   I need this website and the people who look into it more than anything else.

I have about ten pages left to print.  I have added nearly 400 pictures...at least one or two per page, and there are over 250 pages.  I have re-read everything. I am hoping, that with time, Don is able to sort through all of the writings, thoughts, that I have had over the past 20 months.

None of it will be new to him. 

In remembering, I have found that one thing totally stands out:   I believe with all of my heart that Don and I were good parents to Mark.  I think we did a good job. 

I am finding a little more peace having done this project.  The times I spend thinking about what happened to Mark and that he left us so early, have been replaced with smiling faces of an adorable little boy who said so many funny things.

He had so many friends who loved him.....and who he loved back more than they will ever realize.

His aunts, uncles and cousins miss him.  His brother, sister-in-law and his grandmother still mourn him.

His parents still cry everyday.

I know he made a difference in this world.  I know the world is a better place to have had Mark DeWalle here.

I am reminded of the countless people who have given us support in a myriad of ways...and continue to do so.

I have been blessed with a very understanding husband, wiho has a very big heart.  Neither of us can fix what has happened....but both of us continue to support and understand each other daily.

I am starting....just starting....to put things in perspective. 

Some things remain constant:  I loved him, I miss him, and I want him back.

It doesn't change things.  I wish this had never happened.  I wish that I could give Don something other than a book about Mark....

I have been busy trying to sneak and print out, and compile my book for Don about Mark.  It is really hard...even though I had a lot of down time this weekend to work on it.  I was going along really well when, of course I ran out of both color and black print cartridges.  Got that problem under control when I started having problems with just formatting the whole thing.  The file is so big now and I am adding pictures that Microsoft keeps repaginating the document.....but I got around it and now that Don is getting ready to leave for work, I am able to go back to work.

Saturday we went to Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery for the Wreaths Across America.  Every National Cemetery had a program at the exact same time...presentation of wreaths to family members of each branch of the service.  We were honored that my mother was chosen to receive the Navy's wreath in honor of my father and his comrades.  Debbie A made this possible for my mom.  It was so humbling, standing in the middle of that cemetery with so many other Navy veterans' graves around, that my father's name and service was discussed.

Dad was a hospital Navay corpsman...always state side throughout the Korean conflict.  He was stationed in Oakland, California and the only moving he ever did was in different areas of the hospital.  My brother was born in Oakland during my dad's tour there. My mom was a young Navy wife, very far from her Kansas home and family, and always daily waiting to hear that my dad was going to be shipped out.

I don't think there was ever anyone more proud to have been in the Navy than my father.  He never saw combat, never saw the high seas, never left his young family for more than a few days.  He was one of the lucky ones, and always knew it.  I remember him saying how very hard it was for him to receive back some of his friends who had been so severely injured in combat.  He loved that I went into nursing and weekly would call me to find out what we were studying...always giving me a story about what he did at the Naval hospital.

Following the ceremony, we placed the wreath on Dad's grave.  I brought along, as I always do, several boxes of peanut brittle...some for Dad....some for the deer.  I always go back in the next day or two to see the footprints that go through all the headstones yet stopping at my dad's grave.

Following a nice lunch, my brother, sisters, Kyle and my mom went to decorate Mark's grave with Don and me.  It was nice to have so many of us together at Mark's grave and to remember how much we loved him.  Don and Debe got the tree we have for Mark just right....it is just as it was last year with everyone's signed angel ornament still hanging.  We added some artificial Christmas flowers and paused and remembered.

Don and I are aware that as the years go by, we will probably lose contact with some of the names on the angels.  We hope not, but are realistic.  We want the tree to be indicative of Mark's life...not ours...and the names on the tree will be those that Mark held special in his heart.

We had discussed decorating Mark's grave with John and Tabby and decided together that it would be best if they went to his grave on their own.  I like that the babies believe Mark flies around with his angel wings watching over them and at this time, I really don't want them imagining Mark buried in a grave.  It is hard enough for us....too hard for their little minds.  Michael knows that people are buried in cemeteries, but has never mentioned the possibility that Mark may also be somewhere.

I looked at my holiday schedule and it isn't much of a holiday.  I am working Christmas Eve...and off Christmas...but go right back to work the next day.  The only day off will be Christmas and I imagine I will be really tired all day.  It is ok.  Less time to fill, less time to think.

I have my stack of Christmas cards sitting here...I have only mailed a few and I hope that when I finally get them out today or tomorrow that everyone doesn't just think I am mailing ones back to the ones we received.  I may not even get them all out.  Just don't have too much energy in me right now.

I have been thinking of our friends, Mark's friends, and the changes that have been made in our lives over the past two years.  Two years ago I was running around trying to arrange a trip to Colorado for Mark.  He was home, and life was wonderful.  He had just converted our garage into a pseudo gym for himself and the music of Rocky was blaring all the time.

Now it is just silence. 

Last night was the Mehlville Football Varsity Banquet.  I have come to feel this is an important part of the holiday season for me.  A gift of sorts for our family....and a special memory.  The plans for the award started during Mark's final hours....and I know that the pride he felt when this was planned was one of the very last good thoughts and feelings for him.  It makes it even more special that the coaches he loved...Coach Meyer, Coach Gegg, Coach Ghormley as well as Coach Heyde, are so supportive of this award and see it as an important honor to the player who receives it.

Yet, perhaps the biggest honor and respect to Mark, is that his brother, John, once again presented it.  For Mark, it is carrying out one more final wish.

John's presentation of the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award last night.........

Last year, when I presented the first Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Medal I spoke of my brother’s struggle with cancer, but I also spoke about his love for Mehlville Football.  I spoke that the lessons we learn out on that practice field are not meant only for after kickoff on a Friday night.  The greater lessons are for a lifetime of successes, trials and failures.  We have learned that when we succeed, we should thirst for more, never be satisfied or complacent.  We learned that when we fail or get knocked down, our first response should be to stand up and try it again.  We learned that the trials of a football season, and of life, can teach us more than the outcomes ever could.   That is the true spirit of what high school football is about.  That is the true essence of Mehlville Football.

When I took a year off coaching to pursue opportunities outside education, the only person who voiced his displeasure of it was my brother Mark.  I remember standing at a football game with him that year and all he could say was that I needed to go back to coaching.

He would later tell me that he was so adamant about me going back to coaching was that because it was through Mehlville Football that he learned how to fight his cancer.  He said playing football taught him how to never give up, how to deal with setbacks and the roller coaster of emotions, and how to keep a positive attitude.  He knew that if he had played his hardest, and left it all out on the field, that he would be a winner, no matter what the outcome.  He summed it up by saying, “if I didn’t play football at Mehlville, I would not have known how to fight this.”

In his last hours, Mark held on to four things:  Faith, Family, Friends, and Football.  For Mark, these things were all connected in his last moments as they had been throughout his battle.  He was surrounded by his family in friends in his last days.  Teammates called and came from all over the country to say goodbye.  His coaches came, not only for Mark, but for the entire family.  Coach Heyde came when called, hours before Mark died to assure Mark that he in fact, did “leave it on the field”.  At the end, Mark had requested that his 1999 State Championship Medal and his FCA Medal be put around his neck.  At the end, Faith, Family, Friends and Football had come together once again.

This years recipient of the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award is presented to a player who has showed he is willing to fight through adversity, stand up when he gets knocked down, putting his best hand forward.  He showed us that he is willing to put the team ahead of himself and I believe that he will use the lessons he learned this season to help guide him throughout his life.  I am proud, on behalf of the coaches and my family, to present this years award to David Rose.

I have finished Christmas shopping.  Lois and I did a real late night run and I think I have the babies all done.  That is the extent of my shopping this year, but I am still busy doing something rather special for Don.

We decided with the economy the way it is that it is best to cut way back and buy gifts only for Michael and Daniel.   I still wanted to do something special for Don and have spent HOURS grouping all of the blogs I have ever written on this website into a book for him.

He has no idea how to get online, let alone turn the computer on.  From time to time I have read him the blogs as well as the guestbook entries.  I know that sometimes I feel a need to read back and remember what we have been through, and how we have managed since losing our Mark.

I have compiled over 175 pages.  It is going to take me forever to print them but before I do that, I want to put in some pictures.  That is going to take an entire weekend. 

I also broke the no presents rule and for the past month have been putting together a bracelet for myself.  Gwen Houska has one that was given to her....all about Kevin.  I really liked the idea and spent some time examining her bracelet at the last Angel Mom meeting.  I posted a picture of my bracelet.

This Saturday, we are going to put Mark's tree on his grave.  Mark's Aunt Deb is active with the Jeffeson Barracks National Cemetery.  She takes pictures for people throughout the country who have family members buried there.  Last year, she was selected to place the Air Force wreath in the Wreaths Across America program.  This year, Deb was able to arrange for her mom and my mom to be able to place wreaths in honor of each branch of the service.  Mom will be honoring my dad and placing the Navy wreath in his honor as well asll those who served in the Navy.  Afterwards, we are going to go and decorate Mark's grave.

Don and I tried to do a couple of things in the past month as a surprise for Tabby and John.  We are not getting them Christmas gifts, and as silly as it may sound, I think that makes it easier for me.  I don't feel as though I am neglecting Mark.

I remember having so much trouble finding something for Mark his last Christmas.  He told me in January that he got "nothing" for Christmas.  We had bought him a good six months of his favorite hair products...no use there.  The running suit I bought him no longer fit.  He was unable to use the airline tickets we bought to send him to Colorado.  He was right, he got nothing.

I am feeling a little less down than I did a week ago.  I am hoping that Mark senses that I am listening to his brother and trying not to let his absence physically be my drivining force throughout the holidays.  It is very very difficult.  No one has ever missed anyone more.  But, I am trying to stay focused and concentrate on what is here and now.  When I do feel bad, I go downstairs and look at his last Christmas tree.  I don't ever turn it off.

It is never going to be ok.  It is never going to be the same.  Please don't let anyone NOT mention Mark to me on Christmas Day.  Please don't let him be forgotten.

It is the one thing I worry about more than anything. 

I am beginning to see things starting to come together to go to work at VA.  There have been lots of miscommunications and lost records, but I believe in the next couple of weeks everything will be completed. 

I know that I will be working at Barnes throughout the holidays and already know that I will be working Christmas Eve....so once again Granny will be sleepy during the rush of Christmas and then taking a long nap.  Right now, tensions seem to be running high at work with my coworkers not happy about the holiday schedule hassles, and the new nurses just beginning to grasp an understanding of what it means to be a hospital nurse....with working holidays a thing to learn to adapt to.

There is one picture from Christmas that I have never liked....it is of 2 year old Mark on a riding horse, and Mommy helping him to stay on.  The Christmas wrappings are all around as we must have just opened gifts.  I am in my nursing uniform.  My boys always had to deal with the fact that Santa didn't come until Mom got home and more than once I drove home real fast, knowing that there were two little boys eagerly waiting not for me...but for the ok to tear into their gifts.

I suppose that this year, it will be two other little DeWalle brothers waiting for me to get home from work.   Next year, they won't have the same wait.  Not only will Granny get home in about three minutes instead of 30, but they will have a little brother to entertain them while they do wait.

Off to work.

Leave it to John and his little family to help me change my perspectives a little bit.

I so appreciated the notes and phone calls from my fellow Angel Moms.  I knew, that they totally understood what I was feeling.  They are very special ladies.  I can tell them the awful things I am feeling, thinking....and they know just what to say.  I have come to understand that every year, I am going to be feeling that I have something left out.  I also feel that I am leaving Mark out.  What mother wants to leave their child out of the holiday celebrations?  What mother could possibly do that?  Yet, the biggest question remains:  how do we keep Mark in our Christmas?

John conveyed to me in one of many notes and conversations that I probably feel at times that it is only me missing Mark.  He reminded me of how untrue this was and that he thinks about Mark quite a bit.  The one message he sent...and made me go into action...was that he wasn't going to let cancer ruin his holidays.  He reminded me that Mark was afraid that would happen and since Mark never gave in or gave cancer power over any of his happiness, for us to do so would be to dishonor Mark...something John would not do. 

It was like a slap in the face for me.  I cannot let what happened to Mark continue....I have to enjoy what is here and remember and cherish what is past.  It is very hard to do.  I am trying very hard.

I talked to Danny and Michael yesterday.  They came over to help Papa build the first fire in our fireplace in three or four years.  Don just finished rebuilding our chimney and the boys were so excited.  Each got to throw in a couple of pine cones and nothing is more exciting to a little boy that to watch something like that burn.  They had their special moment with Papa...and I had mine with them as well.

I put up the white tree in the living room and Danny was thrilled.  We talked about who this tree was for, and what the dragonfly ornaments meant.  I didn't have to tell them anything....they told me.  We decided that every year it would become the tradition that Mark's special nephews would be the ones to put the dragonflies on the tree.  They might not be where I would put them, and some of them are not very high on the tree...but it is where Michael and Danny wanted them.  Michael promised me that even when I was "really old" and couldn't help, he would always make sure this tree was put out and decorated.  So, a new, happy, tradition made from a painful memory.

Tabitha helped me do something I was afraid of doing.....and discovered it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  She went through the box of Christmas things I was certain I destroyed two Christmases ago.  There were some things that were broken....a couple of special ornaments, but amazingly, most everything was intact.  I didn't put out everything...just a sampling.  Most everything was left on the pool table, ready to go back into a new box and put away until next year.

After John and his family left, I started playing a little.  Don was out putting up lights on our house, and I started putting the tree together.  It was the tree we had used for a couple of years...the one I yanked apart waiting for Mark to come home that awful Dec 27.  This year, when I put the branches in, I did it right.  Usually I have a row or two wrong....but this year was perfect.

I put on the lights, the ornaments I had left out and when Don came downstairs, it was done.  He was very very surprised.  I think with the help of him, and John and his family, those bad, sad feelings went away.  It helps to be loved and understood.

I sat alone looking at the tree....remembering that this was the last Christmas tree that Mark saw.  We made the Heaven tree last year....but this is the tree Mark would associate with his childhood.  How could I even think that I couldn't look at something that in past years, probably gave Mark a little happiness. 

Old memories sometimes turn into bittersweet new ones.

I appreciate my friends and my family so much.  They helped me get through the week.

I knew the week was going to improve when I went to my mother's on Thanksgiving.  It was fun seeing my niece and my nephews.  They are really neat people.  It was one comment, though, that filled my heart and gave me the kick I needed to really look around to what I have.  It wasn't a funny comment from Jeff, it wasn't any of the banter that went one between everyone.  It was one made at a brief, quiet moment when no one was talking but all eyes focused on John and his boys.  Everyone heard it, everyone clapped, and I cried.  It was when three year old Daniel announce very sweetly, very quietly

"It is a boy baby."

Another boy....a special boy....and I bet one that is being sent with high school football skills and a golf swing never seen before.  I can't wait to look into his eyes.  I cannot wait to see him smile.

There is something about little DeWalle boys that just make me smile.