I posted at left, a picture of Mark's grave with the picture Scott Pope made so that we can actually see an image of Mark when we visit Park Lawn.

I have been on this website a lot lately.  I have been reading the posts on the guestbook from months before and realized how perfectly everything fit in Mark's life.  His illness, his work, his friends and his family....all were just perfect fits.

There has been a considerable decrease in the activity on this website and for me, I believe that means that most everyone has found a place to put Mark's journey to a place where it shoudl be. 

Don is doing so much better.  Last week, a good friend of his began experiencing the trauma that happens to one's soul when someone close dies.  It was warming to my heart to hear Don on the phone supporting his friend and stating "It will be hard, but  you will come through it."  I knew then that Don is also finding a place for all that has happened.

I can only imagine how Don feels.  I know that as Mark's mom, an hour doesn't go by that I don't think about Mark.  At times, I cannot wrap my head around the concept that he isn't here with us, won't be calling, won't be busting into the kitchen looking for something to eat.  Even that concept...looking for something to eat....has been gone for a very long time.

I remember Christmas 2006 when Mark really didn't eat anything at all.  He said he wasn't hungry and I really didn't think it was anything than that.  For the next several months, I prayed that Mark would eat.  He ate very little.  I recall him being excited that he ate seafood with Mandy and Tyonn the night before his golf tournament.  I cannot imagine being in a state of perpetual nausea for six months.  Food became very unimportant to him.

What sustained him was the love and support of his friends and family. 

I spent the weekend preparing finding new places for some of his personal belongings that I cannot let go of.  We are going to remodel the downstairs bathroom and create a closet that can be accessed from the bathroom.  I needed to move Mark's things to new places.

I found a spot for his extra golf clubs.  I found a place for the stop sign he stole from somewhere when he was in high school.  I found a place for his shoes that I cannot give away.  I threw nothing of Mark's away.  Hanging in my closet now is his famous Memphis sweatshirt.

The pain is still there.  Yet, I remained determined to talk about him everyday, and even pretend that things didn't happen the way that they did.  I am determined that his short 24 years are not forgotten. 

I don't dwell as much as I did on the last six months of his life.  I try to amuse myself and think about times when he was little.  I try to imagine his excitement over the impending birth of his new nephew.

The pain, the loss, the "it isn't fair" thoughts continue every hour.

I just can't find a place for those.

My sister, Debe, and her husband, Terry, met with the oncologists on Thursday.  Debe is feeling better after her numerous and unpleasant tests.  She has some decisions to make and a leukemia will always be something that is listed in her medical records, but for now, she is doing well.  She is even planning the trip she and Terry are taking to Hawaii.

She also started her own web blog....and those familiar with this website will see a striking resemblance.  Please leave a note to Debe on her guestbook.  She has told me repeatedly that she feels Mark's good vibes and help coming her way.  Messages from those that supported us will be Debe's hellos from Mark.  Her website is:   www.debehoffman.com

Don placed the picture at Mark's grave.  I was going to go with him but I had not had much sleep on Friday.  Early Saturday morning, I went to put a balloon on Mark's grave.  I wonder how long the balloon lasted because it was really fighting in the wind.  The picture is absolutely beautiful     We are so thankful to Scott for this wonderful gift.

I watched a movie the other night, can't even remember the name of it.  Anyway, it had the phrase "suspended animation" .  I wasn't real paying much attention to the movie itself, but this phrase really hit me.  I think that is what our life is like, suspended animation.

We go through the motions of everyday life but a lot of the times I don't really feel connected to much.  One does what they have to do simply because they have to do it, whether they want to or not.

It's not depression, it's not withdrawl.....it is simply suspended animation.  I try everyday to make everyday count.  Right now all I am trying to concentrate on the new baby coming.  John and Tabitha have been very liberal in allowing me to help them plan and decorate the nursery.  I spent days looking at cribs online and would ask Tabby frequently what she wanted.  She finally sent me an email telling me to pick the one I liked.

The nursery is almost done.  It is a monkey theme which is something 4 year old Danny picked out.  When I asked him why he wanted monkeys for his new brother he said "So the baby will laugh".

I think that is what we all want for one another....to be able to laugh.  Sometimes, when someone is missing.....it is very very hard to do that.

I appreciate the emails, the phone calls regarding my sister, Debe.  Tomorrow Debe goes for her consultation with the oncology department at Siteman and hopefully we will have positive news.

I keep looking for positive signs and am sticking with my intuition.  I trust that the most.

When Mark called me at work in 2003 and said he had a form from his doctor to go for an ultrasound for a "neoplasm", I knew then that we were in for trouble.  As Mark completed his initial round of chemo and moved to Memphis, I still had that same, sick feeling inside.

Moms know.

That sick feeling, like I was standing on a cliff waiting to fall, didn't go away until Mark came home from his scan on that awful December 27th.  I always knew, even when Mark, John, and Don thought we were clear. 

I feel differently about Debe.  Something tells me that things will be good.

A week or two ago, Scott Pope brought over a picture that we can use at Mark's grave.  Don and I have it already to place on Friday.  It is perfect.  We are going to put Valentine ballons or something with it.  The green cross and the Valentine heart we had at his grave, along with any flowers that were there, were removed by the cemetery.  They do that every year after Christmas...remove everything.  Don was a little unsettled that the cross was gone and has plans to make a new one.  He wants to get a wood engraving kit and make a different one.  The original cross, placed by Mike and Debbie,.....we have at our home.  There is a story about that original cross which is rather amusing, one that I will save for another time.  

For Christmas, I had a decal made for my car.  It is a dragonfly with the words "We miss Mark DeWalle."  I think I can make my own now with the Cricut my mom bought.  There have been several times when someone has honked at me and waved.  I really like it.

Think of Debe tomorrow.  I have to sleep all day as I have a 12 hour turnaround....but something tells me I won't sleep well until I hear from her....and confirm my feelings deep down inside that she really will be ok.

I felt when I typed those words, "Get to work, Mark" a voice telling me "I am already on it, Mom."

I haven't written here in a week. Not because there isn't anything to think about or share, but because I needed to make sure that some people had been informed of the news facing our family.

Mark's Aunt Debe learned early last week that she has leukemia.

John nicknamed  Debe with "Dodo" when he was three.  Our family has two Deb's......Mike's wife and then my sister.  To distinguish we call Mike's wife "Debbie A" and my sister, "Debe Dodo".  It was started with John, and every nephew Debe has on the Henderson side calls her Debe Dodo.  My mother at times, even calls her Debe Dodo.  It has been handed down to the next generation as Michael and Danny refer to her as "Debe Dodo" as well. 

It doesn't matter why we call her that....one thing Debe is not is a Dodo.

Many of Mark's friends came to know and love Debe well.  She is the one who met Mark, the Markowski's and others at some place outside Busch Stadium when the Cardinals won the World Series in 2006.  She partied and celebrated with them downtown all night and to this day, I don't know who had more fun....Debe or Mark.  Debe drove all the drunks home and in the morning I asked Mark how enjoyed himself.  I posted a picture at left, one of my favorites, of Debe and Mark downtown that night. 

"She is so much fun.  I had a blast and she did too.  I was really proud she was there and was MY aunt."

Two months later our world fell apart and just like his other aunts and uncles, Debe was there for him.  It was Debe who stopped at the Golf Discount in Chesterfield and told them what was happening with Mark, and picked up a golf blanket for him.  It was Debe who was with him when he had his belly tapped for the first time that awful first week.  It was Debe that Mark asked about his condition.

"I'm screwed, aren't I?" he asked her.
"You are in trouble" she told him.  A few minutes later, Debe was escorted to the waiting room.  She looked out, and saw Mark, alone on the stretcher, sobbing.

She was the one who informed my parents of Mark's cancer.  She was the one who organized the family meeting to discuss what the family was facing.  She was the one who called Kutis the week before Mark died to make the intitial funeral plans.

She has been there throughout Mark's journey, and we will be there for her.

The news is devasating to all of us.  We Henderson kids are a close group.  Just like with Mark, Debe does not have leukemia.....we all do.  I know that Katie and Mike are struggling with the news, and the reminders of what happened to us all in the past couple years our wounds reopened.  Just like Katie said the other day, "I didn't think I wou.d ever walk into Siteman again....but if Debe is there, so am I."

Debe has an extremely strong support system.  Her husband, Terry, is just an awesome guy with a heart of gold.  Her sons are a lot like him...I can see both Terry and Debe in each of them.  Nathan is smart, methodical and just like his parents, extremely successful in what ever he undertakes.  He attends Truman.  Kaleb, is going to school at Rolla and has the ginger of his mom.  He wears his heart on his sleeve and is so light hearted and funny.  Then the princess of our family, Cassie (CJ), not only is beautiful, but also has her mother's charms.  CJ still wears her Mark DeWalle bracelet.  I don't think there are many that still do.

If anyone thinks that I was involved in Mehlville activities....they have not met the Debe Hoffman of Francis Howell.  She puts me to shame. 

We are in the wait and see phase of this whole thing.  Debe goes to the doctor on Thursday at Siteman, and hopefully then we will know exactly what we are facing.

Until that time when we have more information, please contact your prayer chains and think about Debe and her family this week.  It is time for us to get our battle stations together and go forward. 

In other words, Mark, get busy fixing this thing.

I am hoping that by the end of this week, I feel less stressed, tired, worn out.  I am now starting back on three days a week, and hoping it gives me a little more energy.

I have been doing taxes for the past couple of days.  I like helping others with this and have done so for several years.  This year I started asking the people I have never charged for a donation to Mark's benefit fund.  I have been trying to think of ways to build up this account so that we can continue to do good things in Mark's name.  This past year we donated money in Mark's name to several DSRCT patients, sponsored several cancer walks, gave money to the Relay for Life, and bought a beautiful Bible for one of my patients. 

Mom and me went shopping yesterday.  I have been wanting to do something for Don for a while.  I wanted to figure out how to put Mark's picture at his grave.  All it took was an email to Scott Pope and he said he has it figured out.  While Mom and I were out shopping, I found the perfect iron stake to place the picture on.  Yet, that isn't the most exciting thing I found.

I found dragonfly lights that operate by batteries. Now, on Dragonfly Night, I can have lights on Mark's grave flickering as well.

I have found several new dragonfly things...even a dress!   I think about that evening coming in June and for some reason it gives me such peace.  Probably because of all the good people that came over last June 12th.   I am planning it all out in my head, and if no one but me is there, it will be ok.  I think about it a lot.

It bothered me all week with the snow that Mark's grave was so covered over.  I drove into the cemetery one morning on my way home from work but even the cemetery drive was fairly snow covered and I didn't risk driving back to Mark.  I probably would have made it with the four wheel drive, but I was worried that I may hit a headstone.  I am planning on going there Tuesday when I get off of work.  I want to tell him that we watched the Superbowl with this Houskas.

We were all cheering for the Cardinals.  I know that Mark would have been cheering for the Steelers.  Big Ben is a friend of Terrell's, and a couple of years ago Mark called me from Memphis, wanting me (his personal secretary) to find out what it would cost him to go to Detroit.  When I asked him why was he wanting to go to Detroit in the winter, he told me he was going to go to the Superbowl.  "You'll never get tickets!" is what I said.  He seemed to think that Terrell was going to be able to help him through Ben.  He finally figured out he couldn't get away from his store for that long.  I told him that it was too bad.  'It's not like I won't get to go to another Superbowl!" was his response.

While watching the game, and in the last couple of minutes Big Ben's team wins....something told me deep down inside that Mark did get to the Superbowl.  I know he would have gone if he were still here.  My Uncle Bob lives in Tampa and Mark would have immediately figured out how to get tickets, with a free place to stay.

I think Don and I are doing better.  We do have the baby to look forward to, very soon in April.  We have the baby's brothers to keep us entertained.  We have John and Tabby.  We still have Mark and talk about him everyday.   However, I continue with everything I do, everywhere I go, to put something about Mark into the experience.  I am at times so consumed with keeping his memory alive, that I lose sight of what is happening.  When I am talking, I talk about Mark.  When I am quiet, I am thinking about him.

I don't have the crying spells that were so frequent, I am more in control.  I remain 24 seconds away from crying at any given moment.  I miss him so very much.

For Christmas, I had a decal made for my car.  It has a dragonfly and the message "We miss Mark DeWalle."  Several times I have had people honk their horn and wave at me.  Perhaps it was just my driving, but I think it was the decal.  It gives me comfort, to look in my rearview mirror and see "Mark DeWalle".  I am never, ever without him.  Just as he said "Turn around and you will see me."

Taxes are nothing.  Being without Mark is everything.  He made me laugh so much.