I am not sure what is keeping me from writing on this website more.  I look at it everyday, but many times I just feel so empty inside, with nothing more to say, nothing more to write.

I know that within the next week or two, our new baby boy will be here.  I know that the weather will eventually stay nice and I can work in Mark's garden.  I know that as a whole, my family is healthy, happy.

I also know that no matter what happens, what transpires, there is always something missing, someone missing.  Just thinking about everything really saps all of my energy.

I try to focus on the good things in Mark's life and not his illness and death.  I try to remember when things were worry free, and our life was so "marked".

I know that others have moved on.  I can honestly say that although I don't cry every single minute of the day, things remain somewhat empty for me because I don't have Mark anymore.

I concentrated real hard on the way to work the other day to think of a story about Mark to entertain myself.  I thought about how we signed him up to be a Cub Scout.  John was involved in Cub Scouts through St. Francis and I was sure that this was something Mark would want to do.  We used John's Cub Scout uniform and I was happy that he was assigned a den that was just a couple of streets away.

He lasted two weeks.

I think Mark wanted to really come home and play with his brother and play street hockey.  When we tried to refocus him and encourage him to go to Cub Scouts, he would have nothing of it. He didn't like it.  When I asked him why....he said

"I don't like their refreshments."

That made me smile.  Whether that was the reason or not, Mark always found some sort of excuse that had no rhyme or reason....I bet he is the first to quit scouts because he didn't like the refreshments.

I couldn't sleep last night and was spending time just laying around, doing what I always do when I just can't move...think of my boys when they were little.  I have watched a couple of the picture movies Debbie A put together but what I really wanted, what I really needed, was to hear Mark's voice.

For Christmas 2006, my mother had taken all the videos that my father had taped throughout the years and put them on DVDs.  I have never been able to look at them because two days after she gave them to us, Mark's cancer came back.  Last night, I opened the treasure box that we keep the DVDs in, and chose at random one of the many to choose from.

I watched Mark at Thanksgiving and then Christmas at my parents when he was eight years old.  I watched him as he played with his cousins, made funny faces.  I am frustrated that I don't seem to have many pictures of Mark with his aunts or uncles.  On this tape, I watched as Mark became frustrated with something/someone......and for solace he went and sat on his Aunt Debbie's (Mike's Debbie) lap.  He was 8 years old!!!  He sat on her lap, got up....then later he again was sitting on her lap.

Another DVD had one of our famous family picnics.  At one point, I see Mark run over and just give his Aunt Katie a hug.  It was so neat to see.

What I loved most of all....was hearing his voice.  It allowed me so much peace, so much comfort.  What a funny little boy he was.

I then took the DVD with the state game and advanced it to the 3rd quarter, about 10 minutes into the game.  I watched over and over and over Mark sacking the quarterback for Rockhurst.  Such an important moment in time.

Last week I contacted the mother of CJ Aubuchon...the 18 year old boy from St. Charles who was on the news last week because GHP denied, then allowed for payment for the chemo, Temador.  This was one of the drugs that Mark was denied and we eventually were able to get for him from the drug company.  I told her, that I like to think that because of the trials Mark did on different drugs...some with promise, that maybe he has something to do with others being able to get the medication they need. 

Pretty much like sacking the quarterback, I like to think.

I took a brief walk to go check out a garage sale with Mae, and as we passed our house, I noticed that the forsythia bush Don and I had planted a few years ago was blooming.

I immediately thought of Mark.

The first year we planted it, it pretty much remained green.  The second year it bloomed, I missed it because Mark and I were holed up on the 7th floor at Siteman.  He was in for almost three weeks with low platelets, bleeding nose, and everything that went with it.  It was during this time that he really developed a friendship with his nurse, Julie.

Last year, when it bloomed.....I remembered how I missed it the year before.  The yellow blooms don't stay for very long...long enough I suppose for someone to get their platelets back in order.  It was a gentle reminder to me what had transpired.

Sunday, when I saw the blooming forsythia....it was more of a hello from Mark.  I will look forward to that every spring now....the first bright color in our yard will remind me of one of the bright spots of my life.

Tabitha and John came by after her ultrasound.  I kept Michael and Daniel while they went to the appointment.  The boys busied themselves turning over my landscape rocks to hunt for bugs to put in a bug jar they found.  They insisted I put the gazebo cover on and when I said I wasn't sure where it was Michael said "It's under you and Papa's bed, Granny."  It was...and they delighted watching me struggle to get the "roof" on the gazebo.

When John and Tabby came by they were in a very happy mood.  There had been concerns since her first ultrasound in November that there may be something amiss with the baby's kidneys....something that could be a problem, or could not be.  She has had monthly ultrasounds since to monitor this.....and today the ultrasound showed that everything was clear...everything perfect.

They had a picture of the baby....ultrasound style...and Tabby said "He has real chubby cheeks."  They showed me the picture and when I couldn't make out what was what...John explained what I was looking at.  Sure enough....there was my new grandson's face, his eyes open...looking at Granny.  This is something I have been waiting for months to see.

I couldn't really tell what he looks like, but I know that I only have a few weeks left until I am able to do what I have been aching to do......look into his eyes.

I will have a brand new person who I can talk about Mark to.

This will be a very special baby.  Something tells me in my soul he is being sent to me to help with the pain.

Next year, and every year after, I am going to take a picture of this new little boy by the forsythia bush and remember......

It is already March and I am so glad February is over.  This weekend the clocks get turned back and that means that I won't have to drive into work in the dark anymore.  It also means that spring is just around the corner.

I haven't written on the blog very much because I just feel pretty empty inside.  I will never be able to wrap around my head that Mark isn't coming home soon.  An hour doesn't go by that I don't think about him, and want to talk to him.

A couple of weeks ago I got the most beautiful card from Racheal.  I kept it on my desk for a long time, and then put it in Mark's curio cabinet. It meant so very much....not just because of the dragonfly on it.....but that she realized that when it wasn't the holidays, Mark's birthday.....that the messages would come far and few between.  It was indeed a message from Mark...a hello that I needed so very much.  What a very thoughtful thing to do.

A week later, Mandy sent me some pictures.  Totally out of the blue.  I had a copy of only one of them and to see new pictures of Mark....was a wonderful hello from him.  I absolutely loved the picture of Mark and Mick asleep.....it made me laugh.  I had never seen it before.  I think the family got a kick out of it as well.

Tom Kaesberg left a message on my voice mail.  Tom is a real class act.  I keep meaning to call him back but whenever I get the chance, it is too late at night.  Hearing from Tom......just like the card and the pictures....meant so very much.  It means that his friends still think of Mark.

I would guess that Don and I are doing the very best we can.  We seem to be lonely a lot.  There isn't much activity around here.  I miss the days when this house had a lot of people in it.  Some of that is empty nest....a whole lot of it is empty Mark.

I have been trying to fill in my lost hours with shopping online looking for dragonfly things.  I got a kick out of Tabitha yesterday when I showed her a dress I had bought.  She kind of rolled her eyes at me.....in a good way.  But, they dragonflies make me happy.

Don and I have kept ourselves busy redoing the basement bathroom.  Anyone who has been in our house knows that this is long overdue.  We want to get it done because there are things on the outside that we can't wait to get started on.

We are going to work on Mark's garden as soon as the weather breaks.  I know that will help me tremendously.  I am more at peace when I am doing something that is Mark oriented. 

I think about Dragonfly Night and have been collecting things, thinking of things, that I want to do that night.  The dragonflies take the pain away from what the night really means.....the anniversary of Mark's last night with us.  The anniversary of him saying to me "It's ok, Mom, I am ready to go."

In the next month, our new baby boy will be here.  I keep thinking about the night Mark returned from Pebble Beach.  He sat at the table and excitedly told Don and me everything that had happened on his trip.  He then asked about his grandfather's funeral and I told him we had a videotape.  He said he wanted to watch it....but watch it alone.

I gave him the tape and he went downstairs and watched it.  After it was over, he told me "I just went to Grandpa's funeral."  We talked about how important his grandpa was to him (Mark was born the day after his grandpa's birthday) and how much we would miss him.

"All we will have to do is look in the baby's eyes and wel will see Grandpa".  When Daniel was born, he reminded me of that.

When John and Tabby's baby is born in the next month.....I will be looking into his eyes.

That's what I have really been waiting for....no matter what his name is.