We are getting closer to our trip.  Just two more nights of working and I will be off for two weeks.   I feel that the summer just left without telling me. 

We are trying hard to focus on this is a trip for us.....but we are certainly taking Mark, John and Tabitha and the boys with us.  Truth be told, Tabitha would prefer to be going in the literal sense and not just in our thoughts....but we will save that for another time.

I plan on wearing Mark's beloved Cardinal jersey...the one he is wearing in the picture with Debe on the first page of this website.  I am not real knowledgeable about the Cardinals, but I do know that they have been playing well and shouldn't get too many bad looks.  Just want to have something of Mark's with us.  Don is going to wear Marks Superman t-shirt on the trip.  We are sneaking his vodka into our luggage, and I have made a dragonfly to put on our door.  I have pictures of the babies and John and Tabitha to take with us and am making a small poster to put in our cabin on October 6th.

The posting in the guestbook the other day about me lying made me cry.  Really cry....because it is so true, every part of it.  I actually can hear Mark telling me that it is a surprise that I made it to Heaven....he WILL have some sort of comment like that.

I have read things about grieving parents.  All of the personal accounts from moms who have lost their child all say the same thing....that they cannot wait to see their child again.   I try every single day to be a good person so I will go to Heaven and get to see Mark.

I have been so busy with things at home, with working, getting ready for the trip, that when I do fall asleep I am exhausted.  Maybe that is why I haven't had a dream about him in awhile.   I hope that while we are on our trip, that I will be more relaxed, and will have some sort of visit from him.  I will be looking everyday for signs.

The other day I got a phone call from Tina Turner....no, not that Tina Turner.  This one had a son who played football with Mark.  They were great friends.  Norman Weaver always was the first person at our house on Fridays...and he never drove himself.  It seems he always knew who to get a ride with to be the first one here.   The night before the semi-final game at SLUH, I was surprised when Norman showed up at our house with the plans to spend the night.  I think someone else was there as well.....can't say for sure.   I do know that Norman was, though.

I was surprised because this was an important game and the players needed good rest that night.  Norman told me that he was superstitious and that he could not play right unless he ate at our house right before the game.  So, Mark and Norman behaved themselves that Friday night, didn't go out, went to bed early....and in the morning I took them out to breakfast.

In the last minutes of the game, Norman scored a touchdown and we were all off to the dome.  The rest is history.  Somehow, I think superstition helped.

Norman knew Mark was sick.  I once messaged him in the middle of the night...so desperate for someone to talk to.  I was using Mark's phone and later during the day, Norman called back.  I haven't heard from him since Mark died.

Then, Friday, his mom, Tina Turner called us.  She gave me Norman's number.  He now lives in Dallas.  We talked about his teammate/brother and how we both missed him.  Norman told me that he has a new baby son...his first baby.  He told me his baby's name was Tyson.....Tyson CHAMP Weaver.

Mark would be pleased.......and despite what Norman might think, Mark would be saying that Norman named him after himself....that Champ was after him.

Me thinks Tyson Champ Weaver's daddy belives otherwise.

Talking to Norman made me feel that Mark called home for a chat.  It gave me such good feelings as we start on what has been for me the most difficult time of year....Mark's birthday and then the holidays.

But, just hearing the word/name , Champ, makes me remember what a true champion Mark was...both on the football field with his fellow champions.....and how he handled what was handed to him.

Don and I have been busy getting ready for our trip.  Yesterday he got a taste of what "a few errands" entails.  I laughed as he rolled his eyes at the different places I needed to go.  I have done this for years...my days off  running errands and at one point had to cart around two little boys.

We needed to get the routine toiletries we were taking on our trip.  I was reminded of a funny story about Mark and anti-perspirent.   Mark went with Josh Shelton to ride along to Jim Shelton's place of work.  Jim always went on Sundays to load up his van to make deliveries.  Apparently there was a bin of damaged toiletries and Mark and Josh were allowed to pick something out of it.

Mark picked Mennen Speed Stick.

He brought it home and said that it was his.  Now, he was only about 7 years old, and I wondered if he even knew what it was he had.  So, like a good mom, I asked him:  "What do you use that for, Mark/"

"It is so I don't sweat."  He told me about the commerical he saw that it would prevent this.

I asked him where he put it on at.

"I did this" and he demonstrated with the product how he covered his forehead and his face.
"I sweat a lot when I play sports" was his reasoning.  Don and me just laughed at him.  Mark was not pleased.

"Just where are you supposed to put this?"  When Don explained it to him, I don't think he believed his Dad.  I also don't think he ever put it all over his forehead and face again.

This just shows how little things that I encounter, I am always thinking about Mark.  Just shopping for simple everyday items , I stll think of things about Mark.

I have out, ready to pack, Mark's beloved Cardinal jersey.  Don is going to wear Mark's Superman shirt.  We have some little items...including Mark's Grey Goose Vodka, that we are taking.  It is going to be more of a "let's go forward" trip than anything.  We are going to keep Mark and John and his family in the forefront of our thoughts, but at the same time, work on the adjustments that life has given us.

I think Don is fully "retired" now.  We passed a group of construction workers on our errands yesterday, and for the first time he said he really didn't miss work, that he has settled in to being home all the time.  I honestly, other than the extra paycheck, don't know how we got things done at home when he was working.  I have never regretted for one minute the decision for him to stop.  Actually, the decision wasn't ours to make...he physically cannot work anymore.

During our travels yesterday, we stopped and bought Don a MPG3 player.  Now, this is a major thing...I am not sure he even knew what an MPG3 player was.  I loaded it up with the "Mark songs" he wanted, as well as downloaded a book.  It will give him something to do while on the plane, and I am out cold on my medications.

I am looking forward to packing our suitcases over the next week.  Somehow, I just feel that we are on our way to see Mark.  Maybe we can put some of the pain of his birthday behind us.  In the meantime, I will continue to wonder "Just where do you put this" with all the sad feelings, missed chances, that we have experienced.

We will make new Mark stories.

Seems like I have gone quite awhile without seeing any "signs" from Mark.  I look for them everyday.  He told me that all I would have to do is look over my shoulder and I might see him.

Perhaps he knew I would spend the rest of my life looking for him.  It has given me a nice diversion to normal routine things.  There is no part of the day when I am not thinking about him, not looking for something that will tell me that he goes on.  It just isn't in me to think that Mark was here for those 24 years and wasn't supposed to have any impact on me or anyone ever again.

I don't see him as anything any more than what he was to us...a son, a brother, a uncle, a grandson, a cousin, a nephew, a friend.  I so appreciate the messages from his friends that he still is there for them, that they still think about him, still miss him.  Those are things that sustain me....and they always come when I am feeling the weakest.

Over the past week I have spent a lot of time in the car.  I realized this morning that I haven't even been outside that much over the past two weeks, other than being in my car.  I worked extra shifts last week to try and make up the difference in Don not working and trying to stay on top of household finances.  I have spent a lot of time on the computer still working on the various forms that have to be completed for Don's disability.  In fact, while writing this note, I am stopping at every fourth sentence or two to reload the printer as I am copying more forms.   We still have a couple of months to go before we find out if Don's initial application will be approved....or if he has to go through appeals.  Much of the application process is left for me.  Don's hands cramp if he tries to write more than a paragraph or two, so he dictates what he wants on the forms to me, I type them then do a paste-up of the forms, copy them, then he reads them and signs them.  The process itself has been a process.  I think that this morning it will all be ready to fax to Social Security....at least until they send us another form to complete.

Going to work early last week, I again spent my travel time thinking about Mark.  Sometimes I play a game with myself...picking a topic and thinking about it all the way to work.  Sometimes I keep the radio on and see how many consecutive songs will be "Mark messages."  This happened on Friday night as I drove in for an overnight shift.  The songs played one right after another....."Livin' Like I'm Dying"......"Angel"........"Walking in Memphis".   Now, no one can tell me that Mark wasn't pushing the play buttons that night.  I was already crying from "Angel" and when "Walking in Memphis"came on......just too much. 

But, when I drove in Monday evening, I couldn't help but think that I had not had any signs.  Just something small that showed Mark was watching us, that he knows we haven't forgotten him.  Nothing for days.  Now, this s probably going to show how obsessed I can get with this...but I swear it is true.   I just happened to look at the mileage on my car as I passed Bayless driving down Union Road....just passed Indian Hills Swim Club....and the mileage was 61366.  613 for June13th.....66 for Mark's football number.  All week long, I saw the 613 and by Friday night driving to work, it turned over to 61400 as Walking in Memphis was being played.  All week long, I felt Mark was with me.

He was very particular on dates.  I remember him waking Don and me up at 4am on a December morning to tell us "I have been cancer free for a  year now."   I remember he would have yearly (Ok, only one or two) parties in July to celebrate being "done" wth chemo as he had his last chemo day on July 3, 2004 the first go around.  He never ever forgot Shelley's Heaven Day.....and on July 31st of every year, would become quiet, depressed as he remembered this was the day Kevin Houska and Jonathan Hearst were stolen from us.

So, I don't think it is extreme that Mark would use his death date coupled with his football number to tell me hello.

Durng the day on Friday, Don and I took Danny fishing.  We went to the fishing place on Tesson Ferry and then on to Suson Park.  We never caught anything but we had fun.  I was reminded when my Dad took Mark fishing on their birthdays.  We had gone to Shady Valley on Mark's fourth birthday.  Mark insisted on putting the worm on his hook and immediately stuck the hook in his finger.  Right away he said "Damnit!!!"   My father just howled and I  told Mark he shouldn't say "that bad word."  My Dad, always coming to Mark's defense said "Oh, I don't know, Mark....I can't think of anything else that you should say."

We enjoyed this time alone with Danny.  We knew that his brother was going to a friend's that evening and that Daddy would be at the football game.  We made sure Danny had a special day.  yet, that evening, Danny was still out of sorts because Michael was with his friend and doing fun things without Danny.

Years ago, Mark and John were just like Danny and Michael.  Four years apart, they were very close as young boys, but when John turned 12 he started going places and doing things without Mark.  One particular evening John was going to the movies with friends, and Mark was not included.  Mark certainly was out of sorts....complaining that "John got to do everything" and why couldn't he go?  There becomes a huge difference between 8 years old and 12 years old, and we tried to explain that John would be doing things that Mark just wasn't old enough to do.  Mark's response, with his the famous slight speech impediment he had at the time was

"I don't get to do cwap!"  ( I spelled it right....crap came out sounding like cwap)

It has been a tagline in our family for years.  Mark didn't get to do cwap.

Tabby told me the next day that Danny was feeling blue.  Had tears in his eyes, sad face and that bottom lip sticking out...so she offered to take him out to eat.  A date with Mom.  Danny loves Culver's and Tabby suggested they go to Culver's.  Danny had other ideas.

"No, I want to go to Red Lobster."

Before I could even get it out as Tabby told me this story....she commented that this is probably something Uncle Mark would say.  Exactly.  He finally settled on Gingham's....something a little more than Culver's but defintely not Red Lobster.  When I talked to John about all of this, both of us agreed that Danny felt as though he didn't get to do cwap.

Another Mark hit for me, then, last week.

Don and I have started thinking a lot about the cruise we are going on next month.  One month today we will be in the Caribbean.  We will be in Aruba on Mark's birthday.  I have tried the past two of Mark's birthdays in Heaven to do something that would be meaningful on his birthday.  Something to get us through.  But, as I have stated so many times to everyone, Mark's birthday literally kicks me....takes the wind out of me....leaves me very depressed.  I can handle Jue 13th better than his birthday.  On June 13th, I am reminded how sick he was, how he knew he was going to Heaven, and I can cope.  On his birthday....he is supposed to be here.  He is supposed to be answering our questions of "What do you want for your birthday" with costly requests. 

The first birthday...his 25th...was spent with friends remembering at the Blarney Stone.  Last year, we went over the top with birthday presents for Uncle Mark's birthday for the boys.  I worked all day on our little party and when John packed his family in the car all I could do was cry.  I was so depressed.

So, Don and I, despite the economy, despite him not working, took the money we saved all year and are heading to the Caribbean.  I hope we can do this every year.  I won't know if it is going to make things easier, but I think it is the best thing for both of us. 

We have been checking different cruise forums and have found a group that will be on our ship.  There are dragonfly people there.....some even use Dragonfly as their sign on name.  They have told me that there is a restaurant in San Juan called "Dragonfly" and there is a shop in St. John that is called "Dreams and Dragonflies".  Guess where I plan to go. 

Last night, we spent the evening with a very special couple.  I have hesitated to say anything here but I think a lof of people know.  I want this story at least to be recorded so that in coming years I remember the magic.

My mom has been so alone for the past couple of years.  Most of Mark and John's friends count my mom as  their own "Grandma Joyce."  She has been so much a part of both John and Mark's lives.  She adores all of her grandchildren but Mark would have people believe that she loved him the most.  He actually believed this.  Yet, that is how my parents were....making each of their children, each of their grandchildren, believe they were the most important.

Mom liked to tell me that he had told her she would never be alone.  At first, we always thought this meant that he would be around her.  She said that he told her once when he was in Memphis that he would send her someone.

For the past nine months or so, my mom's life has been so happy.  She no longer spends the weekends with Don and me.  I think she has only stayed over here one night in the past nine months.  She has been busy with the someone who came from a very special place.

Last Christmas, there were Angels at work.  Two special Angels....two who are spending a lot of time together.  Teammates, friends.   One friend left...actually I like to say was stolen...from us.  Mark never got over this, and said many times that he looked forward to seeing him again.

Kevin.

The same Kevin whose grandfathr made a beautfiul wooden cross for Mark.  The same wooden cross that I planned on keeping as a reminder that Mark knew he "would see the face of God" and the memories of how Mark missed and grieved the loss of his friend.  Kevin's grandpa didn't know Mark....just made this cross out of the good of his own heart.

"Mom, make sure that cross goes with me, I am going to give it to Kevin."

And as I have said here before, it was the ONLY thing I put in Mark's casket....a promise fulfilled.

So this special grandfather who loved Kevin...and whom Kevin loved in return.....has been keeping Mark's beloved grandmother happy.

A special couple, who have way too much in common.  A special couple, who over the past several years have been to sporting events at the same time, but never met.

No one can tell me that Kevin and Mark didn't have something to do with this.

That, in itself, is a reminder to me that Mark is everywhere.