It is very early....very early Christmas morning.  Our third without Mark.

Mark's Aunt Debbie (Mike's Debbie) said a couple of years ago that after something is done five years in a row, it becomes tradition.   A couple of things have started down that road since Mark left us....and I hope it is true.

Again this year, we put Mark's tree up on his grave.  Along with Don and myself, my mom, Uncle Mike, Katie and Kyle decorated my father's grave and then Mark's.  We used the same little tree we bought that first Christmas....still with all his friends' and family names written on angel ornaments.  Each year I add something, a new little ornament, and this year was no different.  Michael and Danny helped me put some new ornaments on the tree.  That will be special for me in coming yearsbecause this is the first Christmas that they knew about "Uncle Mark's rock", which is what they call his gravestone.  Katie had a new wreath to go with the one Don bought last year and I added a solar light candycane.  He has the best looking grave around.....boy, I hate being able to say that.

Yesterday we had our visits from Lisa and then later Scott and Nick Pope.  I know in coming years, it may be hard for Lisa to get home, but it doesn't matter.  I will never spend a Christmas Eve and not think about Mark calling me to tell me he was out looking at lights, or going to a middle of the night breakfast with Lisa.  One year he called me at work, very upset that the live nativity scene didn't have anyone there.  It was 2am....just what did he expect.  So many Christmas Eves I spent at work and if I was at home...getting ready for the next day.  I don't have any specific family traditions for Christmas Eve of the boys.....I know really none for John.  The only memory I have is those last couple of years Mark would make sure he was with Lisa for a least a short time.  The first year or two I cried when I saw Lisa on Christmas Eve.....now it is just warm memories.....I look at her and remember how much he loved her.

Don and I spent part of yesterday afternoon with our pseudo-sons Scott and Nick Pope.  They have made it an effort to be sure we are not alone on Christmas Eve.  They have been here every year and I know both Don and I look forward to their visit.  We now make sure that everything we want to do that day is done, that we have time just in case they come by.  It is always a treat for us.  I have to admit that during Scott and Betsey's wedding ceremony, I thought "no more Christmas Eve visits."  We had a wonderful visit with them.  I don't think they realize how important this is to Don and me.  I look forward to more Christmas Eves with them.

We talked to Butch yesterday.  We can go months and not talk to him....busy as we all can get.  Yet, hardly a day goes by that I don't remember what a wonderful guy he is.   He was our rock during Mark's ordeal.  We are going to get together after the New Year.

I have spent some time reading over the Bible, thinking of what the meaning of Christmas is and how it impacts our life.  I know, just like my boss told me the other day, that Mark is OK...that I just really miss him.  No words are more truer.  There is a huge...huge void in our house.  We cut back drastically this year due to finances.  Yet, there is a feeling of renewal.  I bought new decorations this year and hope to continue to do that...to replace those ones I destroyed December 27,2006.  I have learned that it isn't Christmas past that is lost.  They aren't lost.  They are just in a special place.

Mark continues with us this year.  Michael wore his belt yesterday when he dressed as Santa to give our blankets and gifts to my patients at the hospital.  There are dragonfly ornaments, plus a new one for this year, on our tree.  There are new and old decorations on his grave.

And some of the void that happens during the holiday season, has been filled with Mark's friends coming by, Christmas cards from his friends, and messages on this website.  A little joy, and a whole lot of love and friendship.

I know Mark will have a wonderful Christmas.  He is here with us and some how worked things out for his Dad and me that in the next year, we won't be worried about money as much and can concentrate on our lives together. 

In a couple of hours, my Mom will be here and then John, Tabby and the monkeys will be here.  We will have our Christmas Chaos and laugh, smile, hug.....and all will remember that there is someone not here who should be.  There won't be any stockings this year....I just can't do the stocking thing without Mark....at least not yet.

Merry Christmas to all of Mark's friends...you continue to sustain us.

The day after Thanksgiving, we got some good news.  We like to think that the news came because we had an angel pulling for us.

Don got full approval for Social Security disability.

When it became apparent back in July that he physically could not do his job anymore, we knew that we would be "tight" for the next several months.  We continue to try and recover financially from Mark's illness and my long time off of work.  The help from the fundraisers, thoughtful gifts from friends, made our time with Mark less stressful.....but full recovery was still underway.

We had no choice.  Within two weeks, Don filed his application for disability.  It is a very long, tedious process.  We completed the application online, and with all of Don's medical records, information, etc.....it took us SEVEN hours to do.  Then, of course, the repeated processes which included completing more forms, going to the Social Security office, going for physicals.

I tried really hard to keep the finances for our household away from Don.  On more than one occasion, he said he would just go back to work.  That wouldn't do.  He can't work.  We would just have to wait it out.

We discussed it with our nephew, Mick.  We discussed it with people we knew who had applied for Social Security.  We knew, at the very least, it would be about six to eight months before we even knew if he had been accepted.  Most everyone else we spoke with or networked with online, had been in the process for over a year.

Don was approved within 100 days.  We won't have to appeal, hire an attorney.  Our hope was that we had an answer by February.  Instead, Don will start receiving benefits starting then.

It takes a huge relief off our backs...especially mine.  I know Don didn't like that Iwas working extra.  I know we both felt maybe we shouldn't have taken our Mark Birthday trip....we should have kept that money back.  Now we know, that it was meant to be.  Don was to stop work, we were to take the trip, and everything would be finalized before the holidays ever even got started.

I signed up to work extra this week.  I am sort of dreading it....sleeping/working and not accomplishing anything else for the next four nights.  I can do it.  We have been through much harder times before.  It will probably be the last time I put myself through it.

I am almost excited that the weather will may be bad this week.  I don't mind driving in the stuff.  I just take my time.  If it is bad enough, then John won't have to work.  But most of all.....I don't have to worry about my husband out in the cold.

I was going to post last week that we had received this information, but I didn't want anything else but the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award highlighted.

Something tells me that Mark does watch out for Mom and Dad.

I know that John reads this website.  He doesn't post anything except for once a year.  I supposed he uses it to see how Mom is doing.....or to just read about Mark.   He doesn't have to go far to see / think  / hear about Mark for each of his sons certainly has aspects about them that are clearly "Uncle Mark."

I do know, that this will be the third year in a row that he has allowed me to post his words.  Perhaps it is fitting, that the only time he posts anything here, is what he had to say in presenting the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award at the varsity banquet. 

     Two years ago I spoke at length about my brother, Mark and his unwavering love of Mehlville football from the time he was 11 years old.  I spoke how he played almost every position, starting 34 Varsity games in a row, was a captain, an All-Conference selection, and a member of the 1999 State Championship team.  But most of all, I spoke about the lessons Mark learned as a Mehlville Football player that helped him in his fight against cancer. 
      During Marks battle with cancer, he would point out things he had learned in football that was helping him.  Football taught him how to never give up, how to deal with setbacks, how to lean on people who care about you, and how to keep a positive attitude. 
     The lessons we learn in football are not only for game nights.  Those greater lessons are for a lifetime of successes, trials, and failures.  We learn that when we succeed, we should not be satisfied.  We learn that when we fail, to try it again.  We also learn that sometimes things do not work out the way we had planned.  I know my brother did not expect to be diagnosed with cancer, and I did not expect to be standing up here tonight speaking about him in the past tense.   
     Two things come to mind when I think about Mehlville football and my brother.  The first is when he was 13 years old; he promised he would win a State Championship.  The second was when he was a senior in his final game.  There was only a few minutes left, but the game was out of hand and had been lost.  The end was near, but my brother was still laying every play as hard as he could.  He knew the outcome, yet he kept playing.  He had the character to go on and keep playing…. Not quitting…. Even when it was realized that it was not going the way he had expected it to.  I believe the recipient of tonight’s award has the same type of character.    
       For this team, and for tonight’s recipient, there were a lot of things that did not go the way things were expected to go.  Some of us expected to win starting job or rotations, and others not to suffer season ending injuries.  Some of us may not have expected playing as much as we did.  None of us expected for our record to be what it was. Two years ago I did not expect to lose my brother.  
      What was not a surprise was that in those final days, family, friends, teammates and coaches surrounded him.  None of them expected to be there…… 
     One his last wishes was to be wearing his State Championship medal and his FCA Courageous Heart Award when he died.  At the end he held on to his family, faith, and football….. 

     This years recipient of the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award is presented to a player who has show he is willing to fight through adversity, stand up when he gets knocked down, staying the course and not quitting when things did not do the way he expected it to go.  He showed us that he is willing to put the team ahead of himself and I believe that he will use the lessons he learned this season to help guide him throughout his life.  I am proud, on behalf of the coaches and my family, to present this year’s award to Brian Foppe.

Our family congratulates Brian Foppe!!!!!


I had written a long piece about Thanksgiving the other day, only to have accidently deleted the entire thing in the process of writing it.  I thought that I would just go ahead and put it here.....but something more important came up.

Our family is so pleased that last night, Brian Foppe, was awarded the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award.  John didn't tell us who the recipient was until this morning and needless to say, Don and me are just thrilled.

I doubt that Brian even knows, or even cares, who Don and me are.  The fact that he does know that Mark's heart was 95% Panther football is all that matters.  The fact that he knows that whatever challenges he meets in the future, he will has the Panther brotherhood spirit with him always.....as do all Panther football players.

We have been so blessed with the team remembering Mark and the importance that Panther football can have on their lives.  It is easy, I am sure, to coach or even play on a team that wins every game.  Sometimes, our family has learned, even defeats can lend a positive slant on life to those who face great trials.  This year's Panther team is no different than the teams that had an extended season.  They have each other, the sport and more importantly, the spirit that will make them stronger, better men.

We wondered a lot who was going to get this award.  It is the one thing during the holiday season that gives Don and me a sense of renewal.  It is our Christmas with Mark.  The gift he wanted to share with his future Panther brothers.

So much is wrapped up in this award.  All the seasons John played with Mark standing on the track to catch any PATs.  Mark flipping hamburgers when he was 11 for John's Fresh, Soph and varsity teams.  All the older players who considered Mark their little brother.  Mark wearing his Varsity satins the first time as a Sophomore and Don and me telling him "Now, don't expect to play.  You are a back up player.  There are Juniors and Seniors and this is their time."  And his response..."No way, I am going to start and I am going to play both ways."  That he did, for three glorious seasons.

There is the memory of his teammates, and his brother's teammates, coming to his side when he learned he had cancer.  I remember one particular night, back in 2003, that he went out with his fellow teammates.  He came home at three in the morning, just so happy.  "That was one of the best times I have ever had."  They had all come home from college to rally around Mark.  I remember particularly Mike Mahler taking him out.  Teammates for life.  Always there for one another.

I know of only one other time the "State Team" got together after they all graduated and that was when they all came together for Mark's volleyball tournament.  Set up, of course, by Tom Kaesberg, a Panther brother.

Then, at Mark's last hours, he wanted his coach, his brother, his State medal and his FCA medal.  He died with those medals around his neck.  Just hours before, he discussed with Coach Heyde the idea of a Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award.  His last plan, his last play, his last run was all Panther football.

Mark was no supreme hero.  He was just a good kid who happened to love Panther football.  He was just a good kid who knew what was important in life.  He was someone who died with more dignity than can even be imagined.   At his side, throughout it all, were his brothers.

Any player could have been awarded Mark's award....I am sure that there were several who were considered.  It just so happens that Brian was the one chosen.

I am sure Brian's parents love him and are just as proud of him as we have always been of our sons.  Perhaps the award doesn't have the strong meanings it has for us, or perhaps it does.  We do hope that they understand that their son will forever have a special place in our hearts.

If you know Brian, have his email or perhaps Facebook....please take time to congratulate him.  We are so pleased.

And more importantly.....something tells me Mark is pleased as well.