Today I went "sledding".  I haven't done that since my own boys were little.  I bought a saucer sled, picked up Michael and Daniel, and went hunting for the perfect hill before all of the snow went away.

They had never been on a sled down a big hill.  I hope when they are older, that they will remember it was their granny who took them.

We had a great time.  I never went down...just kept pushing them down and enjoying the screams and laughing as they bounced down the hill.  They followed the main rule well:  if you go down the hill on the sled, you have to bring it back up.

This evening I watched a few movies on the computer.  I learned a few things....or maybe I was just able to hear what I always knew.

Everybody has a story....and so many people, including ourselves, only see one side of the story.  It is important to enjoy yourself and the ones you love, and perhaps the most important, the purpose of our existence is to love one another.

I thought about these things that I heard throughout the evening.  I read recently in some short story in a magazine, a character stating "If I had it to do all over again, I would do it exactly the same way."

I think this character was meaning to say that he didn't have any regrets.  I have just one regret....that we lost Mark.

But, there isn't one thing that I would have changed.  I would have not spared us the hurt of losing him by not ever having him.  So much of my day is spent thinking about him, wishing he was still here.

Daniel's "kid" birthday party was Saturday.  Michael was right in there and dealing well with his brother being the center of attention.  I looked at John from across the room and just started giggling.  He looked over at me holding Joey, and I mouthed the words "This isn't a very fun day."  John grinned, he knew what I was thinking about.

Don and I were so glad that Paul came over today.  We are in desparate need of painting the inside of our house...every room.  The last time the house was painted was well before Mark got sick the first time.  We did paint a bedroom before he came home from Memphis in 2006, but that has been it.  We needed to fix the crown moulding in the living room before we got started on any painting and Paul came over and did that for us today.  It looks perfect now.  I am just tickled.

It was good seeing Paul.  This evening Don and I were talking about how much Mark loved him.  We also recalled that it was this time three years ago when Mark was so very sick in the hospital.  We had been told that our son may not survive the weekend.  Mark seemed to rally around, only to become sick again a week later.  They had told us they were going to need to do a bronchoscope and put him on a ventilator.  I had been cautioned by a very good friend who was a physician that we should be prepared that they may not be able to get him off the ventilator.  The night before the bronchosope, Paul called and said he was coming up to the hospital, and was there anything he could bring Mark.

A blue Slurpee.

Mark eagerly waited for Paul.  I know Mark was afraid of the procedure in the morning and was looking forward to having Paul come by...especially since he was bringing him a Slurpee.

Paul showed up within the hour, with an nearly empty Slurpee cup.

"My dying wish was for a Slurpee and you drank it?!?!?!" Mark said to him.

It made Don and me smile remembering this.

I suppose we are in a little of a rut right now.  We went through the motions of the holidays.  I decided not to place so much emphasis on them anymore.  Keep the presents just for the babies, decorate only the living room.  We put up a good front, but realized that never again would our holidays be what we wanted them to be.  Things will always be different.

I remember two years ago when I would drive up to Mark's grave, specifically when there had been snow.  No extra footprints to Mark's grave anymore.  Few hits on this website. Less phone calls, less emails.  The only thing that is the same is that I (as well as Don) still think about him every single hour of the day.

We were to have Angel Moms last week.  I had planned on going until I left the house on an errand and had a terrible time on the roads.  I called Gwen and was willing to go, but to be honest, I was a little afraid.  I don't like driving at night and I was a little skittish thinking about going back on the roads.  Now, I wish we had our meeting.  It always seems to help to talk things out.

I have come to realize that when I don't write on Mark's site, that it is usually because I am feeling more down than usual.  Sometimes the stresses just catch up to me and I retreat to my books or watching movies.

Then, when I look at his site and see that it has been weeks since I have written anything, I feel as though he is slipping away even further.

Having Paul come by today to help us, really helped.  It reminded me that his friends loved him and that they still think about him.

Unlike that Slurpee cup, I am never empty of Mark thoughts.