It has been a busy summer and I can hardly believe it is over.

I thought that perhaps by taking some time off from writing on this site that I would feel better.  Perhaps I was spending too much time here and maybe that was what was keeping me in such a missing Mark mode.

I don't think it helped and perhaps hurt more than anything.  I know that the feelings I have will never go away (nor do I really want them to) but it does help to put down how I am feeling day to day.

Michael and Daniel and myself spent a lot of time at Indian Hills (their most favorite place to go).  This year, Don even went with us very often.  He is somewhat a creature of habit and it takes him awhile to get into a different routine, but he too enjoyed going there.  Michael passed the swimming test and is now going off the diving board.  Daniel rarely wore his swimmies towards the end of the summer.  Joey thinks he can already swim and next summer I am sure he will be in good swimmie form.

We had a wonderful visit with Frankie when he came home.  He has made so many sacrifices for his family and Don and I are so proud to be his selected parents.  We were really happy that he and Stacy are rebuilding their lives together.  

In July, John and Tabby took some time away from the kids.  They had really never taken a long honeymoon and had not been away from the kids for more than 24 hours.  They took a nice cruise to the Bahamas and originally planned to return home, pack up the boys, and drive to Gulf Shores for a week.  The oil spill changed all that.  About a month before, Tabby told me that she and John thought it would be fun if Don and I flew to Orlando with the boys and met them there so the boys could get some beach time.  I told her to talk to her father in law and she did....ten minutes later we were booking flights.  It was an absolutely wonderful trip.  The boys and the grandparents did well on the flight to Orlando.  Joey squealed with delight at the ocean.  For a trip not really planned out in advance, it was probably one of my most favorite vacations.

While we were in Cocoa Beach, our good friend Marcus Engel and his Marvelyene came for a night.  I have lost track of how many years I have known them and with this visit was able to accomplish something that I always wanted to do...introduce him to John.  I regretted so much that he and Mark never met.  It was one of the highlights of our trip and it makes me happy when I hear John and Tabby talk about Marc.  

The rest of the summer has been spending time with Donnie.  He suggested that we change the bedrooms back.  When Mark got sick, our friends undertook the huge job of moving our bedroom into one of the smaller rooms so that Mark could have the largest bedroom.  We have a small house and I know that it was probably chaos in doing this.....but after almost a month in the hospital, it was nice to bring Mark home to his room that allowed enough space for his TV, his computer and his small sofa.

John had encouraged Don and I to do this three years ago.  I just couldn't and didn't want to do it.  I wanted things to be exactly as they were when Mark was here with us.  Even changing the shower curtain this week was a big deal to me.  It was the shower curtain Mark had in his apartment.  My mom and me had gone on a shopping spree to set up his apartment and we bought it on clearance at Garden Ridge.  It was an irregular and it the top was all uneven....but it was Mark's and for some reason I felt bad taking it down.

We did redecorate the living room last winter and I found out that all that really changes is perhaps the way I keep some of Mark's things.  My friend Patti at work commented to me that she believes that "Mark wouldn't give a rat's ass" about anything that I am thinking about as far as repainting rooms and changing things around.  I had to laugh....he probably wouldn't have cared and besides, I know he is here with us and sees the little changes anyway.

So, right now, we have a mess around here.  Don can't paint a room in one day anymore....usually it stretches out several days.  Maybe by the weekend we will be able to move our bedroom furniture back.

Daniel wasn't thrilled.  He told me that Uncle Mark's bed was in the wrong room.  Thanks, Danny.  That's just the encouragement Granny needed.  I explained to him that Mark's bed was now in the bedroom that had been Mark's when he was in kindergarten....and I think that settled it for Danny.

One thing I did do this summer was attend an event with the guy from Crossing Over...John Edwards.  If there is anything in the world I would like to do...it would be to talk to Mark or have him talk to me.  Lois had read that John Edwards was coming so we and a couple of other people joined about 500 other people at the hotel at Union Station.

Now, I went there with a totally open mind.  I mean, who am I to say that having a medium, a reader, or whatever doesn't work?  I was open to anything and within about the first half hour, I had my message.

It's all a crock.

I sat there and looked at the people...all desparate for something from the other side.  I wondered why they were there.  I figured that most of them had lost someone very dear, that was obvious.  I then thought about who they had lost.  Some of them perhaps parents, spouses, friends....but I was sure it was mostly children.  I think I was right.

There were people there with stuffed animals.  There were people hanging on to every word.  I think that the guy is somewhat tuned in to why people are there and if you mention enough names, enough settings, after about 20 statements, you are going to have two or three that are pretty near.  He gives himself a lot of leeway....if he says a name that starts with M....such as Melvin....then you can also use Mark...because "he only gets the intitial".

After about 45 minutes I wanted to take the microphone from him and tell him I could do a better job than that.  It is amazing how I can figure people out, especially people in crisis.  It is part of what I do at work.  You watch the body language, the facial expressions...plus you have the added bonus of knowing that there is something going on.

This was not a cheap night.  Tickets were $175.  People were desparate for information and at the end...they said that you could sign up for smaller groups that were offered only to those people who came to one of these events.  I wanted to know the cost so I signed up online.....$500 for a session with 50 other people.

One thing though...the people who did feel that he made connections....they seemed to be so happy even through their tears.  And I will say this for John Edwards....he never ever said anything negative.  He always left them with something positive...such as telling a mom who had lost her child to drowning that she should work with the YMCA or some other organization so that parents would be alerted to dangers of having a pool.  Positive things.

Was I disappointed?  No.  I do know where Mark is.  I do know he is at peace.  I do know that he sends me signs all of the time.  I learned that I don't have to look any further than our own home to know he is still here with us.

I have heard from so many people this year about the abundance of dragonflies.  I have seen a couple....one on Father's Day in our backyard while Don and I were sitting under the gazebo talking about him.  It just hovered over us for the longest time.  Then, waiting to get on the plane and sitting at the gate watching the jets fly....no grass anywhere, just concrete.  There flying in front of use on the other side of the glass was the largest dragonfly I have ever seen....telling me that I would be fine on the flight (I hate to fly.)  It gave me such peace.

Then, every time I would go to Indian Hills....I would see one.  So would Michael and Danny.  Maybe that is the other reason I enjoyed going there....I knew Mark would be there as well.

This summer people have seen them everywhere...and at times a lot of them.  My coworkers told me there actually was one flying around on the hospital elevator.  I like how people tell me about them and then they all tell me that they immediately think of Mark and tell him hello.  I love it.

In one more month Don and I will again be going to the Caribbean to spend Mark's birthday.  This time, Don's sister will be going along with us.  It will be so good for them.

I plan on looking for signs of Mark.....and I will see them.