When Don and I were planning our trip to take over Mark's birthday last year, I did my usual Google searches of the places we were going.  One of those places was San Juan, Puerto Rico and we were going to stay there for a day or two before the cruise, and one day afterwards.

After hours of researching San Juan, I put in the word "dragonfly san juan"....just to see if something would show up.  There is a popular little restaurant/bar in Old San Juan called "Dragonfly".  I read that it was rather expensive and also that one could not go there wearing shorts....mostly an upscale type of place.  Because we decided to stay in a hotel closer to the airport, we never made the rounds at Old San Juan.  Dragonfly was the only place I really wanted to go to....and I didn't even want to eat there.  Just wanted to get my picture outside of the building with the Dragonfly name.

So, my disappointment of last year became my goal this year.  We decided this time to stay nearer Old San Juan and I informed Jean and Don that we would be taking a walking tour.  We would see the forts, ride the trolley.....but secretly, I wanted to find the Dragonfly restaraunt.

I made all of the travel arrangements.  We stayed one day in Miami Beach and rode the Ducks throughout South Beach.  It was a very long, but very fun day.  Our plane left St. Louis at 6am which meant we needed to be at the airport at 4.  By the time the day ended in Miami, we were all exhausted.  Too bad....we had to be up and moving again to catch a 7am flight to San Juan.  I was determined that we would have ample time to go to Old San Juan.

It was nearly noon by the time we had checked into the hotel and got a cab to take us the three or four miles to OSJ.  I asked the cab driver if he knew where the Dragonfly restaurant was.  He told me he had never heard of it.  I was disappointed.

The cab driver, in VERY broken English, stopped at the square in OSJ and explained if we took the trolley on the right side of the square, it would take us all around OSJ.....or if we went to the building on the other side of the square....it would take us to the forts first.  We all walked to the first place....I wanted to see OSJ from the trolley and look for the restaurant.  We waited a bit, then we all decided to go to the forts first, so we walked the block to the yellow building.

We walked down the street, all around the building.  It started to rain and Jean and Don took cover...but I just stood there looking around.  The trolley came, took us to the forts.  We were exhausted afterwards with all the walking, all the climbing, and decided to just "ride the trolley.

I looked up and down everywhere...the streets are narrow and the shops are small.  One right after the other.  We finally got off the trolley after about 20 minutes and started looking for a place to eat.  I asked a couple of shop owners about the Dragonfly and one told me it was around the corner, down two blocks.  We had just come fromt here and I didn't see it.  I was again a little disappointed.  For me, it was going to be my Mark sighting for the day.

Jean and Don chose a little place that had wonderful Mexican...or I guess...Puerto Rican food.  A literal hole in the wall.  We had a nice long leisurely lunch while we waited for the rain to slow down.
Finally it did, and we left.

I walked out first.  The sidewalks are very narrow and the streets were crowded with cars.  I stepped down out of the restaurant and literally ran into a young man.  As I stepped down he seemed to come out of no where.  I stepped down and he put his hands on my shoulders and said "There you are!" very sweetly, very kindly.

Before I even looked up at him....I looked at his black shirt.  Embroidered on his shirt above the left pocket was a dragonfly.  I looked up at him and said "Do you know where the Dragonfly is?"

He told me that he worked there....and then he said "I will walk with you there."

I turned to Don and Jean behind me and told me that he was taking us to the Dragonfly.  He told me it wasn't opened yet.  I told him the directions I had been told..and he said that I would not have found it that way.

On the way, we talked about why I love Dragonflies, and about our Mark.  I was so afraid to ask him his name but finally did.  I don't remember what it even was.  I do know that he was built a lot like Mark, had dark hair, kind eyes....and a very nice smile.

We walked several blocks and I began to recognize the area we were heading to.  The Dragonfly Restaurant was located exactly where I had been standing, looking around, when Don and Jean took cover from the rain.

The young man let Jean take our picture and before he left he gave me a hug.  I turned to say something to Don, then turned back to say something to my new friend...and he had disappeared.  Jean couldn't believe that he was gone.  No one saw him leave. 

Somehow, it all just was so special.  I had been looking for the restaurant all day.....knowing it would have a Dragonfly out front.....knowing it would make me feel as though it was a Mark sign.

But instead of me looking for it.....it came looking for me and told me "There you are......."

When Don and I were planning our trip to take over Mark's birthday last year, I did my usual Google searches of the places we were going.  One of those places was San Juan, Puerto Rico and we were going to stay there for a day or two before the cruise, and one day afterwards.

After hours of researching San Juan, I put in the word "dragonfly san juan"....just to see if something would show up.  There is a popular little restaurant/bar in Old San Juan called "Dragonfly".  I read that it was rather expensive and also that one could not go there wearing shorts....mostly an upscale type of place.  Because we decided to stay in a hotel closer to the airport, we never made the rounds at Old San Juan.  Dragonfly was the only place I really wanted to go to....and I didn't even want to eat there.  Just wanted to get my picture outside of the building with the Dragonfly name.

So, my disappointment of last year became my goal this year.  We decided this time to stay nearer Old San Juan and I informed Jean and Don that we would be taking a walking tour.  We would see the forts, ride the trolley.....but secretly, I wanted to find the Dragonfly restaraunt.

I made all of the travel arrangements.  We stayed one day in Miami Beach and rode the Ducks throughout South Beach.  It was a very long, but very fun day.  Our plane left St. Louis at 6am which meant we needed to be at the airport at 4.  By the time the day ended in Miami, we were all exhausted.  Too bad....we had to be up and moving again to catch a 7am flight to San Juan.  I was determined that we would have ample time to go to Old San Juan.

It was nearly noon by the time we had checked into the hotel and got a cab to take us the three or four miles to OSJ.  I asked the cab driver if he knew where the Dragonfly restaurant was.  He told me he had never heard of it.  I was disappointed.

The cab driver, in VERY broken English, stopped at the square in OSJ and explained if we took the trolley on the right side of the square, it would take us all around OSJ.....or if we went to the building on the other side of the square....it would take us to the forts first.  We all walked to the first place....I wanted to see OSJ from the trolley and look for the restaurant.  We waited a bit, then we all decided to go to the forts first, so we walked the block to the yellow building.

We walked down the street, all around the building.  It started to rain and Jean and Don took cover...but I just stood there looking around.  The trolley came, took us to the forts.  We were exhausted afterwards with all the walking, all the climbing, and decided to just "ride the trolley.

I looked up and down everywhere...the streets are narrow and the shops are small.  One right after the other.  We finally got off the trolley after about 20 minutes and started looking for a place to eat.  I asked a couple of shop owners about the Dragonfly and one told me it was around the corner, down two blocks.  We had just come fromt here and I didn't see it.  I was again a little disappointed.  For me, it was going to be my Mark sighting for the day.

Jean and Don chose a little place that had wonderful Mexican...or I guess...Puerto Rican food.  A literal hole in the wall.  We had a nice long leisurely lunch while we waited for the rain to slow down.
Finally it did, and we left.

I walked out first.  The sidewalks are very narrow and the streets were crowded with cars.  I stepped down out of the restaurant and literally ran into a young man.  As I stepped down he seemed to come out of no where.  I stepped down and he put his hands on my shoulders and said "There you are!" very sweetly, very kindly.

Before I even looked up at him....I looked at his black shirt.  Embroidered on his shirt above the left pocket was a dragonfly.  I looked up at him and said "Do you know where the Dragonfly is?"

He told me that he worked there....and then he said "I will walk with you there."

I turned to Don and Jean behind me and told me that he was taking us to the Dragonfly.  He told me it wasn't opened yet.  I told him the directions I had been told..and he said that I would not have found it that way.

On the way, we talked about why I love Dragonflies, and about our Mark.  I was so afraid to ask him his name but finally did.  I don't remember what it even was.  I do know that he was built a lot like Mark, had dark hair, kind eyes....and a very nice smile.

We walked several blocks and I began to recognize the area we were heading to.  The Dragonfly Restaurant was located exactly where I had been standing, looking around, when Don and Jean took cover from the rain.

The young man let Jean take our picture and before he left he gave me a hug.  I turned to say something to Don, then turned back to say something to my new friend...and he had disappeared.  Jean couldn't believe that he was gone.  No one saw him leave. 

Somehow, it all just was so special.  I had been looking for the restaurant all day.....knowing it would have a Dragonfly out front.....knowing it would make me feel as though it was a Mark sign.

But instead of me looking for it.....it came looking for me and told me "There you are......."

When Don and I were planning our trip to take over Mark's birthday last year, I did my usual Google searches of the places we were going.  One of those places was San Juan, Puerto Rico and we were going to stay there for a day or two before the cruise, and one day afterwards.

After hours of researching San Juan, I put in the word "dragonfly san juan"....just to see if something would show up.  There is a popular little restaurant/bar in Old San Juan called "Dragonfly".  I read that it was rather expensive and also that one could not go there wearing shorts....mostly an upscale type of place.  Because we decided to stay in a hotel closer to the airport, we never made the rounds at Old San Juan.  Dragonfly was the only place I really wanted to go to....and I didn't even want to eat there.  Just wanted to get my picture outside of the building with the Dragonfly name.

So, my disappointment of last year became my goal this year.  We decided this time to stay nearer Old San Juan and I informed Jean and Don that we would be taking a walking tour.  We would see the forts, ride the trolley.....but secretly, I wanted to find the Dragonfly restaraunt.

I made all of the travel arrangements.  We stayed one day in Miami Beach and rode the Ducks throughout South Beach.  It was a very long, but very fun day.  Our plane left St. Louis at 6am which meant we needed to be at the airport at 4.  By the time the day ended in Miami, we were all exhausted.  Too bad....we had to be up and moving again to catch a 7am flight to San Juan.  I was determined that we would have ample time to go to Old San Juan.

It was nearly noon by the time we had checked into the hotel and got a cab to take us the three or four miles to OSJ.  I asked the cab driver if he knew where the Dragonfly restaurant was.  He told me he had never heard of it.  I was disappointed.

The cab driver, in VERY broken English, stopped at the square in OSJ and explained if we took the trolley on the right side of the square, it would take us all around OSJ.....or if we went to the building on the other side of the square....it would take us to the forts first.  We all walked to the first place....I wanted to see OSJ from the trolley and look for the restaurant.  We waited a bit, then we all decided to go to the forts first, so we walked the block to the yellow building.

We walked down the street, all around the building.  It started to rain and Jean and Don took cover...but I just stood there looking around.  The trolley came, took us to the forts.  We were exhausted afterwards with all the walking, all the climbing, and decided to just "ride the trolley.

I looked up and down everywhere...the streets are narrow and the shops are small.  One right after the other.  We finally got off the trolley after about 20 minutes and started looking for a place to eat.  I asked a couple of shop owners about the Dragonfly and one told me it was around the corner, down two blocks.  We had just come fromt here and I didn't see it.  I was again a little disappointed.  For me, it was going to be my Mark sighting for the day.

Jean and Don chose a little place that had wonderful Mexican...or I guess...Puerto Rican food.  A literal hole in the wall.  We had a nice long leisurely lunch while we waited for the rain to slow down.
Finally it did, and we left.

I walked out first.  The sidewalks are very narrow and the streets were crowded with cars.  I stepped down out of the restaurant and literally ran into a young man.  As I stepped down he seemed to come out of no where.  I stepped down and he put his hands on my shoulders and said "There you are!" very sweetly, very kindly.

Before I even looked up at him....I looked at his black shirt.  Embroidered on his shirt above the left pocket was a dragonfly.  I looked up at him and said "Do you know where the Dragonfly is?"

He told me that he worked there....and then he said "I will walk with you there."

I turned to Don and Jean behind me and told me that he was taking us to the Dragonfly.  He told me it wasn't opened yet.  I told him the directions I had been told..and he said that I would not have found it that way.

On the way, we talked about why I love Dragonflies, and about our Mark.  I was so afraid to ask him his name but finally did.  I don't remember what it even was.  I do know that he was built a lot like Mark, had dark hair, kind eyes....and a very nice smile.

We walked several blocks and I began to recognize the area we were heading to.  The Dragonfly Restaurant was located exactly where I had been standing, looking around, when Don and Jean took cover from the rain.

The young man let Jean take our picture and before he left he gave me a hug.  I turned to say something to Don, then turned back to say something to my new friend...and he had disappeared.  Jean couldn't believe that he was gone.  No one saw him leave. 

Somehow, it all just was so special.  I had been looking for the restaurant all day.....knowing it would have a Dragonfly out front.....knowing it would make me feel as though it was a Mark sign.

But instead of me looking for it.....it came looking for me and told me "There you are......."

I haven't written here in awhile but have all sorts of things that I have been wanting to put down for my safekeeping.  I hesitated at the end of  September and beginning of October because once again, Don and me were "running away" from Mark's birthday here in town.  We have found it much easier to be elsewhere and come home after his birthday has passed.  I didn't want to "advertise" that we would be gone.

Don's sister, Jean, went with us.  We again flew to San Juan after spending one day this time in Miami Beach.  From San Juan we took the same cruise , albeit a different ship, and spent Mark's birthday in Aruba.

All day, on October 6th, I kept looking for a sign from Mark.  I know that in my heart he is still around us and I probably look harder for messages on that day than any other.  He must know that I still cry everyday and think of him constantly.

Last year it was Don that kept finding little signs.  There were only 27 people on the huge aircraft that we took to San Juan last year...Mark's age last year....but this time it was a full plane.  I looked at the license plates on our touring bus....but no connection.

We had told our waiter about Mark's birthday and they presented us with a birthday cake surprise and we shared it with others at neighboring tables.  I cried when they brought the cake.....a little because of their kindness and all that goes with having a birthday cake on Mark's birthday, but mostly for very selfish reasons.

There had been no outstanding "sign" from Mark.  I became quietly very selfish.  I felt that he had forgotten me and that maybe what people say is true:  after time it all becomes easier.

Part of me wants it to become easier.  Yet, the constant hurt is a reminder of what Mark went through.  I will never forget and neither will it become easier for me.

So, returning to our cabin, I felt very down.   24 seconds away from crying.  Don was actually feeling pretty good that day and Jean had enjoyed Aruba immensely.  I didn't want to be the one bringing the evening down, but inside I was sooooooo unhappy.

We returned to our cabins.  Jean had the adjoining cabin next to ours and when we returned Don and Jean went out to the balconies.  I stayed in and just shuffled things around in the cabin.  I thought about putting on my swimming suit and going for a swim, just anything to break up the evening.  I knew if I started crying, I wouldn't stop and the whole idea of taking the trip was to make things easier on me.  I didn't feel that things were easier at all......I didn't get any sign from Mark.

Don opened the door to the balcony and told me to come out there "and see this."  We were about two hours at sea from the coast of Aruba and no land, no lights could be seen.  At night, at sea, it is often difficult to see where the sky begins and the water ends it is so dark.  Total blackness.  Total blindness.

I walked out onto the balcony and experienced the most magical, most spiritual event that I have ever witnessed.

Here is where I am never going to be able to articulate, describe what we saw, what we felt.  I just don't have the literary talent to allow others experience what we saw simply by reading.

It was around 11pm at night.  We were in the total blackness of the sea.  There were clouds but when you looked up in the far, hazy distance directly overhead one could see stars.  The stars, were pale in comparison to what we saw.

When I stepped onto the balcony, it was no longer a balcony.  I had been placed in the middle of a snow globe.  The snow was brightly lit specks, sometimes in the shape of birds, but often times they were in the shape of dragonflies. Everything was illuminated in gold glitter or bright white light. I saw thousands at a time. They flew up and down and all around...just as if you were at the bottom of a snow globe looking up.

They were so brilliant, so beautiful.  Occasionally two or three birds.....sharply distinct in their shape.  Much like God had emptied out the doves our of a sand dollar, sprinkled them with gold glitter, and set them flying.  I would concentrate on one bright golden speck, watch it fly high, low then turn into a dragonfly.

It was spectacular.  At one point there was one sand dollar dove  with four or five a little removed from it, but absolutely flying with the lone one.  I knew that was Mark flying with his friends.  I wished so much that Gwen, Lois, Chris, Diane and Shelley's mom could be there to see it.  I just knew those distinct, illuminated dove figures, were Mark and his friends.

Don attempted to say that it must be the clouds, the lights from the top of the ship, the birds...and I asked him not to go on.  As far as I was concerned there was no need for any scientific or reasonable explanation for what we were experiencing.  It was a my message from Heaven and it was glorious.

Jean tried to take pictures of them and I told her that you can't take pictures of angels.  None of her pictures turned out.

At times the beauty of it would just make you yell out.  I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful.  It was better than any fireworks celebration.  It was better than anything I could ever describe.  I stood there and figured out it was about my 24th night at sea.....and never, never, have I ever seen something like this before.

We all watched for almost an hour.  Jean and Don eventually went back in the cabin but I sat out there watching my gift for a good hour.  By the time I went back in the cabin, Don was asleep.  The next day, people were commenting on the birds that seemed to have "stowed away" on ship.  I asked a couple of people, including the cruise director, about the illuminations we had seen.  No one knew what we were talking about.

There weren't meant to.   It was our gift from Mark that he is still with us.  He just waited all day to send me a sign, and a magnificent one it was.

Happy Birthday, to our precious son.  Dad and me miss you every moment of everyday.....could fill this entire page with words and still it wouldn't say what is in our hearts.  Today, we will celebrate you.

You all who have left messages thank you so much.  Tears are coming quickly this week and your kindnesses and thoughts are helping.

Much much more to come next week....but right now I have limited computer access.

Remember our Mark and smile.