If you are not yet 10 years old, then don't read any further.

I can't remember when Mark stopped believing in Santa.  I am not really sure he never stopped believing.  If he did, I am sure his brother, John, had something to do with it.  If he still believed, I am sure his brother, John, had something to do with it.

I thought about this all week.  I know that Michael and Daniel are on the cusp of changing their believe-ability.  Michael, always the dreamer, always the one who loves Christmas, holidays, and anything make believe.....is now 8 years old.   If he doesn't believe, or has wonderings about everything, he hasn't told Granny.

Danny, on the other hand, has had a few conversations with others.  Michael told me yesterday, in a tone of total disgust, that "Danny said he doesn't believe in Santa Claus."  I told Daniel that I had never heard such a stupid thing.

After all, it was Daniel who reminded his parents that they had not been to the mall to see Santa.  They fought the crowds, long lines two days before Christmas and took the boys.  After all....Joey DOES believe and he needed to see Santa.  Daniel told me that he does believe in Santa after I questioned him, and that he doesn't care what Santa brings him...it will be good.

At any rate, we believe at Granny's house.

The Christmas after Mark died, we attended a Sunday School class that John led a presentation.  It was a "history" of Christmas as we have all come to know.  He talked about the pagan rituals and how the day was established to celebrate Christ's birth based upon the Winter Solstice.  He talked about Santa and how it the concept evolved into what we know of today.

I like the idea of Santa.  I like the idea of little kids stressing over if they had been good or bad.  I like teaching fun Christmas songs.  Make believe builds imagination.  I was pretty sure John was going to speak about how the commercialization of Christmas and the whole Santa thing really went against religion and faith.

I was wrong.

I may have details wrong as to what John said except for one thing:  what his perception of the purpose of Santa really was.

He said that the concept of Santa was important because it is the first thing our children learn about believing, having faith in, and thinking about in something we could not see.  Sure, there are pictures, people dressed up as Santa, songs, etc......but the same could be said for Christ.  There are many symbols and paintings of Jesus...but none of us have seen a video or an actual picture of him.

Santa gives us the first experience with believing in something we may not see...only feel. 

I thought about this idea all day.  I don't ever want the boys to not believe there is a promise of a place for all of us to go that is without worries, without pain, without any hardship or stress.  I want them to know that they will see Uncle Mark again and that Heaven is not a place made up.

So, the transition, however slow or quickly it becomes from believing Santa is coming down that fireplace, is not something to tread lightly.   There is magic in believing.

I know that Mark is in Heaven.  I know that I will see him again.  And this doesn't come from believing in a funny looking man in a red suit.....it comes from my faith and belief in the Baby Jesus.

Merry Christmas, Markie.  You are so loved, and so missed.

Sunday morning when I got home from work, I checked email and looked at Facebook.  I like to check to see what my nephews are up to, and am able to keep contact with a couple of Mark's friends.  I am not a Facebook hound, and am actually pretty careful who I "friend".  I will never have hundreds or thousands of "friends" like some have.....the ones listed are truly people who are my friends and people I never want to lose contact with.

Very shortly after I signed on, I got an instant message from one of those people.  I consider Dale Gegg a true friend.

I first met Dale years ago when John was playing freshman football at Mehlville.  Coach Gegg was one of his coaches and I remember John saying that he liked Coach so much.  There are several memories I have of that season, and Coach Gegg was key in both.

During one game, there were some outstanding plays and I remember thinking that the team seemed so quiet, not showing any kind of display.  I was sitting with my Dad, and we both commented that the stands were going crazy, but the players acted so calm.  Immediately, the coach we all called the "quiet one", turned around and yelled at the players "Don't you guys get excited about anything!!!!"  The sidelines erupted and they were yelling and cheering.  It was so funny.  I doubt anyone remembers that but me....my Dad is now gone and the two of us used to laugh about Coach Gegg's "pep talk."

The one that sticks out the most was the last game.  At the end of the game we were again cheering a winning team.  John's freshman team never lost a game.  I watched the players pat each other on the back, yet what I remember most was Coach Gegg hugging his fellow coaches and several of the players.  I remember thinking...what a special person he is...he is just as thrilled as the players and the parents.  It was one of my first experiences understanding the specialness of Mehlville football coaches. 

Mark's experiences with Coach Gegg involved some with football as well as basketball.  Don and me were lucky to develop more of a working relationship with Coach through fundraising efforts for football and basketball.  Coach's kids were young and I remember thinking how much time and effort he put into his coaching and his players...time that took away from his children.  I always tried to do as much as I could so he wouldn't have to stay.

When Mark got sick, there were several times Coach came over to see us.  I recall three or four where he just showed up.  One time when he and his wife came over after being out to dinner.  Coach sat in Mark's little bedroom and watched I think a baseball game with him.   There were several times he was there during Mark's last two weeks.

Coach always, always had kind words for Don and me, was there for support for John...and left Mark feeling special because Coach had taken time to be there for him.

It was after one of these visits that Mark told me he wanted Coach Gegg to do something at his funeral.  We discussed what role that could be and Mark said he wanted him to read "those prayers where everyone talks back"...the responsorials.  After Mark left us, John contacted Coach and he graciously agreed to do this for us.  I remember I worked on them so hard for two nights, wanting the right words, wanting to be sure that the things Mark wanted said were included.

I don't remember too much of Mark's funeral...especially at the church.  I remember seeing Gwen when I got out of the car.  I remember shaking so hard, not believing why we were there as we escorted Mark's casket down the church aisle.  What I do remember, was clutching the paper with the prayers and the only person's face I can remember seeing as I took that long walk, was Coach Gegg.  I reached out to him, he clutched my hand, and I gave him the prayers. 

A couple of weeks later, I began working on our family history again.  A goal of mine was always to find someone we knew that was related to us.  It is complicated, but Don and Dale are actually 5th cousins on Don's father's side. 

When Coach messaged me Sunday, I was happy to hear from him.  What he had to tell me just made my heart hurt so bad.  He told me that his sister had died from cancer the night before.

We contacted John and he felt very bad that his coach and friend was hurting.  We all then learned Monday morning, that Dale also lost his mother on Sunday.

Don and me struggled as to what we could do.  Dale had given us so much support that we wanted to be able to return it.

I don't think there exists the "right thing to say."  I have spent the last 36 hours thinking about it and trying to decide what gave us the most comfort.  After much consideration, I think I finally have it.

The very best help that we had.....was knowing that there were people who cared that we were hurting.  There was nothing that they could do, nothing that they could say. 

Please think of our friend over the coming weeks.   Whenever I see Coach Gegg...I remember the impact he had on my sons' lives and the impact he had on our healing. 

I pray for his comfort.