Not only has it been quiet on this website, but it is very quiet in this house tonight.

Don had a heart attack today. 

I sit here late at night not liking how quiet it is.  I hear sounds and jump.  My cell phone whirrrs or rings and I jump.  It has been a bad day.....but a good day.  All mixed up.

I called John just as the paramedics were leaving with Don.  John got to the hospital before I did.  Tabitha arrived shortly thereafter.  Things were too calm, too controlled.

They talk about denial with heart attacks.  I know this happens with the person actually having the heart attack, but I didn't realize it happens with their spouse.

I sincerely thought they would come out and tell us that he had a mild heart attack and he would be going home.  Not a chance.

Don woke me up from my pre-work nap telling me he had chest pain.  He had already taken an aspirin and I told him that I would call 911.  He really didn't look THAT bad....but I knew it was the thing to do.  Both of us are probably ticking time bombs as it is.

When the paramedics arrived, I asked them if he was going to go to the hospital.  Yes, absolutely.  I asked if he could go to MoBapt....no, they...or should I say Don....couldn't wait that long.

Don told me that he wasn't in the ED that long and they whisked him to the cardiac cath lab telling him that it was "very very bad."

He is resting OK tonight and I am pretty much exhausted. 

There are a couple of things that hit me today, that I never really realized.  One of those is that with Mark gone, John is left alone with Tabby to manage whatever problem Don and I face.  It was John who methodically contacted his aunts and uncles.  He had no sibling to share this responsibility.

Darn you, Mark....that isn't fair.  You have done this before, leaving John with all the work.  Don't think I don't remember my 50th birthday.  I was slightly amused at how you always seemed to get out of doing what should have been your fair share.  Today I didn't think it was funny.  I kept thinking how I wish you were here helping us in this very stressful situation.

But then, maybe from afar, or even very close at hand, you are looking out for your dad.

The other thing I realized about an hour ago, I do not like the quiet of the house.  I do not like that the television isn't on with Don sleeping in front of it.  Just too quiet for me.

This website has also been quiet.  I have been working on a special project that involves me "annoying people" and have used that time to do my thinking, soul searching.  I feel bad that I haven't posted here in awhile....but it primarily is because I have been able to unleash all these thoughts while working on my special project.

I continue to entertain myself with Mark and John topics while I work on it.  I am able to sort through things in my mind, trying to put everything in its proper place.

Nothing fits tonight.  I knew that we didn't live an exactly healthy lifestyle and that both Don and me are ticking time bombs.  Yet, sometimes I think enough is enough.  I don't need any new chapters.

I haven't dealt with the last one yet.

Mark....I know you have pull with someone up there.  Take  some of the load off of John and me and do your fair share. 

In the mean time, say some prayers for us.