Dragonfly Night is cancelled.  Don and I will be home and John and his family will be here.....so we will be here if anyone happens to come by.  Just couldn't tell how many, if any were coming, so we will be doing it a little low-key...but always open for visitors!!!

Oh,yes...having periods of tearfulness this week.  Those kind of tears that are underlying very sad....but more bittersweet.

Dragonfly Night....wasn't sure what to do then I stopped by John's and Michael is making decorations for Dragonfly Night.  He even knows what it is all about.

So, Sunday evening from 5pm on.....we will be home with a taco bar and making Margaritas with Tabby's new machine.....and remembering.  

It will help those bittersweet feelings if those that remember the magic of four years ago would like to stop by and join us.

Can’t  sleep.  It could be because Don let me take an extended nap on Sunday afternoon because this allergy/cold I have had seemed to come back for the day.  Then, again, it could be because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what went on in this house four years ago this week.

It is too hard for me right now to scroll back on this website and look at the archives of June 2007.  Both Don and I have mentioned every couple of days….”this is the day Tony Bernil flew in from Memphis and sat at Mark’s bedside all night….” Or that “this is the day that John and Tabby stayed all night.”  Just too hard.

I keep trying to concentrate on the comment Mark made that one Memorial Day evening.  “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who died from cancer.  I know that we as well as his friends remember Mark for his love of sports, his love for his friends, and the special bond he had with his brother.

Michael and Daniel seem to love to constantly be at each other’s throats.  One finds the other annoying, and that brother returns it back as quick as he can.  One night last week, they all came over for dinner.  Daniel had asked a couple of weeks before if he could spend the night here all by himself…..and Don and me immediately thought it was a good idea.   It would give us time to concentrate on just one…and give the other some alone time (after Joey went to sleep) with their parents.  As usual, the two of them kept the brotherly barbs flying even through dinner.  I told them to stop it many times.  Finally, it seemed to cease.  There was almost a peacefulness.  Then, it came time for everyone to leave but Daniel.  I told Michael to hug his brother goodbye….and reluctantly he did.  Daniel immediately commented “ When Michael hugged me, I farted.”  So much for Granny’s words regarding brotherly love.

I asked John if he remembered Mark and he irritating one another when they were little.  He did.  I know when John started going out with friends, Mark was totally out of sorts.  He didn’t get to do “cwap.”  I know they had physical fights…nothing extreme…but what I remember most was the comments they threw back at one another.  Just like Michael and Daniel……almost identical personalities to John and Mark….John found Mark increasingly annoying.

Yet, even in those days, they had a that existed with no one else.  They supported one another, and I know for a fact that Mark simply idolized John.  He liked to act he was annoyed with John, but in reality he was in awe of him.

I remember vividly Mark’s first round of chemo in 2004.  He acted like he wanted no one around, and after spending the day with him at the hospital, I finally figured out he wanted to be left alone.  I wasn’t home five minutes when he called me back and said that he wanted his books for a class he was taking online.  I jumped back in the car with a suitcase for me, and books for him.  He never even looked at the books.

He wasn’t talkative..he just wanted someone there.  Then, around midnight, I saw he was crying.  “I don’t want to do this , Mom.”  And truly, that was the ONLY time I ever heard words of discouragement from him.  We talked a bit and finally I asked him what I could do.

Tearfully, he said “Call John.  I need him here.”

John was there within record time.  I met him outside of the hospital and tried to explain Mark’s frame of mind.  I had asked Mark if he wanted me to call his dad….no, just John.

For most of the rest of the night, I stayed out of the room.  I never knew what they talked about and I don’t  think I ever asked.  I just knew that when the chips were down, John was the one that he wanted.

It has been a week of remembering and also of understanding that things do move forward, whether  I want them to or not.

Weddings seem to be the thing right now.  In the past two weeks, I have worked on planning a shower for  Cousin Mick’s fiancée, Kyla; received two save-the-dates for  two of Mark’s friends (our sweet Little Michelle and also Mark’s good friend, Eric Williams), tried to rework, without success, travel arrangements for Lisa’s wedding, and well wished another cousin, Nathan on his engagement. 

That is six weddings, all that Mark would have been so excited over, that will occur over the next year or

I was so looking forward to Lisa’ wedding.  Because I am the worst travel companion on the highways, Don and me decided that we would take the train to Chicago for Lisa’s wedding.  I have reserved the hotel and have the train tickets since March.  Last week I got an email that the train to Chicago is just fine….but coming home we have to take the bus from Champaign, Illinois.  That would never work….we were coming home Father’s Day, which happens to be Don’s birthday this year.  Not a good way to spend the day…on a bus.

I checked out airline tickets for one way…..but just too costly since it is so soon.  Driving, both Don and me agreed, is out of the question.  We don’t know the city of Chicago that well and with me jumping every three miles and worried about traffic…we would be arguing by the time we got there if drove.  I called Lisa to make sure she could take us out of the count and was relieved when I learned she had not turned in the final count.  I hate that I won’t see her get married, but I know in reality if Mark were here, we would probably not have been invited.  I guess Mark is going to try and make a showing in some manner…I know he wouldn’t miss seeing Lisa get married.  I hope she and Jarryd  will feel the love and thoughts and prayers coming their way.

I am sitting here very early just like I did four years ago.  I am thinking about Mark, his brother, his nephews, his friends.

Only difference is that I can’t go into his room and sit and watch him, and give him a hug.

I hate this time of year.