Dear Mogey, (sorry....Mom just can't help it)

We are a curious bunch.  Dates, anniversaries, moments in time do not go unnoticed.  I know that it has been five years since that last weekend in the hospital...and the dates match up exactly this year which makes it even more pronounced to me.

A certain sadness, yet a very certain happiness surrounds this weekend.  I remember five years ago on this day, you asked for your belly to be tapped....repeatedly....and early that Saturday morning they finally did.  I remember my very good friend, Cyndi Grand, had stopped by with Teddy Bears for you and was there with you during the procedure.  Many friends came by that day.  I think at that time, you had already decided what you wanted to do.

A five year anniversary isn't any different than any other.....the hurt, the sadness, the loss of not having you here is more than Dad and me can stand at times.

I remember those short couple of years following your first chemo that you would celebrate "the end of chemo" on the fourth of July.  You actually would throw yourself a little party.  No party this year.....although knowing you are at peace, knowing that this horrible time in our lives is over....helps shoulder the hurt a tiny little bit.

There hasn't been an hour that I haven't thought about you.  I feel you watching over us.  I know that somethings that I feel I want to hold on to....you wouldn't even care. 

John is considering getting a different car.  He has taken very good care of, and used your car for the past 5 years...ever since you gave it to him.  Dad and I had asked that he keep it for at least two....just so hard for us to give up things that were yours.  John knows that using your car has allowed him to do other things for his family.  Michael and John no longer call it "Uncle Mark's car".  This morning, John and I were talking and I told John that I doubted that you would even still have the Altima if you were still here....and John made a funny face and said "NO!!  He would have gotten rid of it the minute the air conditioning went out."  Mark DeWalle would not be driving a ten year old car. 

Every year we have a "Dragonfly Night" to celebrate your taking control, going to Heaven.  I just can't do that this year....five years.....as if it should be more spectacular or something.  Instead, we will be leaving town that week.  Neither Dad or me want to hear your grandfather clock chiming at 8am on the 13th of June.......go with us...we will be looking for you.

Surround us these coming days.....Mom needs your hugs.

I love you forever,
Mom

I had a wonderful birthday / Mother's Day couple of days.  My birthday started with a sweet little 3 year old boy waking me up.  I spent the day with Mom, visiting Gwen and John at the pool, did a little shopping, then had a nice birthday dinner with John and family.

I didn't blow out my birthday candles, Joey did that for me before everyone finished singing. 

Friday night the "boys" stayed overnight.  Michael went with me to Joann's Fabric store and we bought special fabric to make special pillows for their Mama for Mother's Day.  One suggestion for others, don't put fabric paint on the bottom of a three year old boy's feet....not pretty.

Daniel and Michael did the sewing on Granny's sewing machine and did a fabulous job!!!  I thought that I would end up doing the sewing but the boys did so well with the machine that while they sewed, I cleaned up.  They were so proud of their finished products and their Mama really liked them.

I started on a quilt for my cousin, Susan.  She is one special lady and kiddingly said she wanted a quilt when she saw the one that I had made for Jenna.  It was no joke for me.  I have put a lot of thought into this quilt and have been working on it a lot over the past week.  I now have all the blocks done and have actually started quilting it together.  The fastest I have ever accomplished this.  It is really very pretty and may be the best one I have ever made.  My absences from this blog have usually meant that I was quilting...and those quilts have always been done fairly secretive as they were gifts for some family brides.  This one, Susan knows I am doing....but she has no idea how spectacular it actually looks and won't until it is delivered to her.  The quilt already has a story behind it as to what I had to do to get the perfect fabric (once I get something into my head...hard to change it.)  I have also already named it....but that is a secret at this time.

My husband bought me a Kindle for my birthday.  I didn't even know he knew what a Kindle was.  Tabitha kidded him and said she didn't know Walgreens sold Kindles (his favorite store).  I immediately downloaded all of Marcus Engel's books....and was so delighted to be able to see on the Kindle the dedication page for his book "I'm here".  It is dedicated to me and the memory of Mark.

Saturday we had a visit from niece Kim and her son Jordan.  Don and I decided that we would sponsor drum lessons for Jordan and he has a shiny new drum.  His lessons start this week and he is going to start spending more time with Don and me.  Talk about a mature, well mannered young man.  Kim has done well as a single parent raising him.  Someday, with Michael on keyboard and Danny on guitar and Jordan on drums....well we may have a hit record in the making.

This morning we went to Mass and then out to brunch with my mother, Bob, Katie and Kyle, Mike and Deb, John, Tabitha and the boys.  It was so nice.  On the way home, Don wondered out loud if "Mark" came to visit.  He suggested that we go to the cemetery and I said no....just wasn't sure I could keep my emotions in check....and said he wouldn't be there anyway...he would be golfing.  That is what he did his last Mother's Day with us....went golfing.  One of the very last times he did.

I didn't look for anything from Mark when we got home.  I know it has been almost five years, and truthfully, I didn't want to be disappointed.  Don looked out the window and said that nothing was there.  He went in the back yard.....I know to check...and came back in and said nothing.  I went into the bedroom to change, and thought to myself...it is ok....whoever had left things on Mother's Day in the past was very kind.  I doubt that they would remember forever.  Then I heard Don yell out  "Well, I was wrong...there is something here!"

On our porch, between the light piers, was a beautiful metal lantern with dragonflies.  The exact same feeling that I had in previous years....with the large dragonfly that is mounted now on our house in front, the smaller (but still large) metal dragonfly that is hanging in a special place in our bedroom,  the balancing wind dragonfly that we keep in Mark's memory garden.....all left with what I feel were gifts from Mark.  I truly look at those things as special Mother's Day mementos.

Again, do I want to know who is leaving them?  No ,  not really.....it would spoil the magic.  What I do know is that whomever is doing this is doing it for Mark.  They must have loved him to be his courier year after year.  They must know that I have cherised these items and know EXACTLY what time of day they were found, what Don and me said to each other, and that the same big lump in my throat and welling of tears occurs whenever they were found...and whenever I look at them.

As with the past four years, I gave John a Mother's Day card.  I wrote in it this year a little story that I thought of early this morning.  I said, to some extent:  "God was talking with the angel who was  helping him pick out babies for mothers.  He said 'Barb gets two.....but one I am taking early so give her first John, as he is one of my best....and he will sustain her forever."

I know I am blessed on this Mother's Day.  I have two wonderful sons.  One who brings me his boys, his joy, his birthday and Mother's Day cards  himself.  The other son has a very special courier who helps him send gifts from Heaven.

God bless all mothers today and everyday.

.