It has been over a year since I last posted on this website.  I had every intention of being more disciplined but different events evolved that made it difficult to post.

First, I had some computer issues on the six year old laptop I was using.  It was Mark’s laptop and after changing the hard drive, I couldn’t use the laptop keyboard anymore.  I would have to attach a keyboard and it was cumbersome and didn’t always work.  Ever since I replaced that laptop, I haven’t been able to post because Windows 8 won’t allow me to sign on.  It is my goal in the next day or two to get that resolved.

Now, here I sit at two o’clock in the morning on June 13^th….remembering at this moment that I was sitting watching Mark breathe.  Only three hours before he had his last chat with Coach Heyde, and told us goodbye.  His very last words…..”Mom, I’m ready to go.”

Six years ago at this hour  I knew we would be facing challenges as a family, as parents, as a brother in dealing with the details that present themselves following a death in the family.

All I could think of at this hour six years ago was I wanted time to stand still.  I wanted to sit there forever and watch my beautiful son breathe….knowing full well that any breath may be his last.  And when that 8am tee time came in the morning…..what I actually felt was relief.

A parent has dreams for the new baby they bring home from the hospital.  The last thing they ever think of is cancer.

Last year I dreaded the fifth anniversary of Mark’s journey and death.  I struggled with it from January on through May.  I kept focusing on different dates:  Mark’s CT scans, chemo treatments, coming home from the hospital, going back in with nosebleeds and low platelets, and finally telling me that he was “done” and that puzzling look on his face when I said “I didn’t want this for you.”   His response to me:  “Mom, why don’t you want me to see the face of God?  Why don’t you want that for me?”

I guess he felt my angst sitting on his cloud in Heaven.  Events of last summer clearly sent me the message that dates don’t mean anything.  On that dreaded 5^th anniversary…..instead of hearing Mark’s grandfather clock chime at 8am…..I heard the patter of three grandsons feet chasing their dog down our hallway as Don and me awoke in our new little bedroom in the basement.  Not planned  until later in the month….John and Tabby and their three little boys, their dog, the guinea pig, the fish and the hermit crabs moved in with us on June 12th while they planned for their next home.

Never again will 8am on June 13^th hold just hollow feelings.  It will be the day John’s family moved in for six months.

Last evening was not spent doing a Dragonfly Night.  Instead, I decided to have Angel Moms at my house.  It is something I think I will do for now on.  It allows me to refocus and also know that the constant feelings, thoughts I have about Mark are ok to have.  I can’t make new Mark memories….but I sure can enjoy and relive the ones that I do have. 

Tonight was extra important because we had a new Angel Mom come join us.  A very special one for me because Wendy is the first DSRCT mom that has joined us.  There aren’t many DSRCT moms around because the cancer is so very rare.  Her Alex was only 7 when he passed away.  For most of Alex’s life, I have been missing Mark.

Things said and done at Angel Moms is kept at Angel Moms.  It allows us to talk and not worry our worries, fears, feelings will be shared with others.  I feel that is ok, however, to share one thing.  I had on one of Mark’s DSRCT bracelets…something I wear every June 12 and 13^th.  This year, I will only wear it one day because Wendy and me traded bracelets.  Today I wear Alex’s bracelet.

I realized during our get together, that Mark has now been gone for one quarter of what his actual lifetime was.  I can sense that as the years progress and I get closer to 24 years….that I will feel him slipping away again.   If someone had told me when Mark was six that a quarter of his life was over, it would have been very hard to comprehend.

My thoughts are not clear and I feel very scattered this week.  Tearing up at really goofy times.  Talking too much…..talking too little…..shutting myself off from others….putting off tasks that need to be done.  Wanting the world to know….this is the week her son died….wanting  the world to just leave me alone.

Nothing I have done in my life even comes close to the importance I place on my sons.  They are the reason for about everything I have ever done, learned, gone to school  for, worked for.  For Don and me, nothing is as important as John and Mark.

I believe that over the past year, I have come to some sort of peace.   I find myself not going over the details of what happened daily and hourly six years ago.  I know at this time I was sitting as his bedside…alone.  Scott Pope was sleeping on my couch, Jeff Henderson was sleeping downstairs, my mom was sleeping somewhere ….Don was asleep, Katie was asleep and John was asleep on the little couch in Mark’s room.  All these people….and it was once again just Mark and me at 3am.  My last few hours with my Yoda.

Yet, I find these remembrances soothing and peaceful.  I know my son loved me.  I know he loved his dad…..and I really know he loved his brother.  One of the last conversations we had he told me to put “in the paper”  that he loved John with “all my heart.”

I know that, like all of us, Mark had his flaws.  He wasn’t a perfect person….but he was a perfect son.  To this day, he still makes me laugh.  And yes, he still makes me cry.

I wondered during Mark’s illness what I would say when he died or how I would react.  When he took his last breath,  I kissed his bald head and said over and over “I am so so sorry….I am so so sorry.” 

I still am so very very sorry that this happened to our family.  I don’t think there is anything more we could have done to prevent this, to manage it, to survive it.  I feel that we have done the very best we could have done.  We, just like Mark, gave it our all.

Mark left this world loved……and he left it loving .  I know I will see him again someday.  In the meantime…..I watch his nephews and see a whole lot of their father in them….but bits and pieces of Mark as well.

It gives me peace.