I keep things of Mark's near me.  We still have his Memphis sweatshirt and his khaki shorts, complete with his belt, hanging with some of his other clothes in our closet.  Items that others would throw away....a pen that he chewed on, scraps of paper he wrote on....have become treasures to me.

I guess part of it is the packrat in me....but mostly I keep trying to hold on to him in even the smallest of ways.  Anything that I can hold seems to help my heart.  Some things, though, are not tangible and I cannot just put in a cabinet or set on our dresser.

A couple of weeks ago I commented to a young co-worker that Ziggy had now come into being.  She had no idea what I was talking about.  She was using her I-phone on break and it occurred to me that the I-phone was very much like the computer that Al used on Quantum Leap.  I had to explain the entire show to her and it made me want to watch it again.

Mark discovered reruns of Quantum Leap while he lived in Memphis.  We would Instant Message each other and I would tell him of episodes I liked.  He liked how Sam would say "Oh boy" at the end of the shows and would often sign off on the computer to me with an "Oh boy." 

I went home on a Saturday morning and spent several hours watching Quantum Leap on Netflix.  I was really enjoying them until I got to the episode where Sam leaped back to his parents' home.  I couldn't watch anymore.

Coupled with my memories of Mark watching the reruns and telling me about them, came the so strong wishes that it wasn't a television show, that I wanted Mark to leap home to us.  If something like Ziggy became possible over the years, why shouldn't the possibility of Mark leaping home become real?  I wish there was an episode of Mark coming home.

I thought that maybe I would amuse myself and write a story of Mark leaping home....but couldn't do it.  Nothing was going to make that come true, so I put it aside until yesterday.....and perhaps a leap home was made.  Something to give me something of Mark's that I can't put in his curio cabinet, hang in the closet, or set on the dresser.

I had been going through pictures yesterday.  I was looking for a picture of the MODOT sign that was at Mark's first golf tournament.  My mother is retiring today.  She will be 80 soon, and I guess she just figured out that she didn't have to work any more and could start enjoying life.  There will be a party for her at work this afternoon and she was looking for pictures.  Nothing like waiting until the last minute!!!

I went through a few things, and then stopped.  I couldn't look at any more.  I stumbled upon something that stopped both Don and me in our tracks.  Something that we couldn't put on our dresser.

In 2004, Tim Watkins organized the golf tournament for Mark.  It became Mark's incentive for continuing chemo and he knew near the end of the chemo would be this golf tournament.  It was held in June.  The tournament was just awesome and I still can remember Mark's excitement.

We took lots of pictures that day....ones that would not be able to be taken when there was the second tournament in 2007.  My dad, for one, was there.

Tim's brother, Dan Watkins, is a photographer.  He worked hard that day, taking pictures, getting them developed.  He sent us a DVD of the tournament.  I remember watching it, but apparently had forgotten its contents.

I thought that perhaps there may be a picture of the MODOT sign my mother's job had paid for.  They had helped sponsor the tournament with donations from my mother's office and had sponsored a hole.  So, I sat there and watched the pictures of all the golfers...and then it turned to video.

I don't know why I had not remembered that there was video on this disc.  I got to watch Mark tee off and I know I am his mother and I know nothing about golf or golf form......but Mark was awesome teeing off.  I was so thankful to have this.  Yet...the video continued.  There was the announcing of the different flights and I wondered if Dan had captured Don trying to make a thank you speech (he did!!).

I kept watching the video of Mark.  I don't have any "recent" video of Mark.  All I have been able to go through are the ones of him as a baby and little kid.  I enjoyed so much being able to see Mark on this video walking, smiling.  I liked watching how his friends would pat him on the back.  I liked seeing the interaction...although I couldn't hear it....between him and Andrew Brockmeyer.  Although I could watch Mark saunter around, I could see that smile and at times smirk of his...I couldnt hear him.

I could see how through this episode of chemo....Mark still looked relatively good.  He did look tired and I noticed how his shoulders drooped toward the end.  Everyone else was walking, Mark was sitting down.  I remembered he was exhausted that day.

What I had not remembered was that Mark had given a little speech.  At the 7:00 point of this video, I heard Mark's voice for the first time in almost three years.

Don and I listened to our son speak, and both of us had tears running down our faces.  We played it again, then again, then again.  Don said "We have to make lots of copies of this, we have to get it so John can hear it."

One would think that we would have remembered this video.  We didn't.  I cannot even count the number of times I have reloaded it just to hear Mark again.  We immediately sent Tim a note via facebook to let him know how much we loved watching and hearing Mark again.  Dan has since posted the video on Facebook and it can be found here:  http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.danieljwatkins.com%2Fvideos%2Fdewalle04.wmv&h=e749b733957b4a8df27c4a36dc16a4c7

Go to the 7:00 point and hear Mark talk about how important Golf Discount was to him. 

Many, many thanks again to Dan Watkins.  I don't think Dan will ever realized what a gift he has given to us. 

For me, it was Mark's leap home.

Oh, boy!!!

Debe has started her battle. 

I called her Sunday to let her know that I was thinking about her and was here for her.  She and Terry seem to have everything under control.  They have an enormous support system of friends and family....the most important arsenal they could have at this time.

I was a little concerned that Debe may not even be able to start her chemo on Monday.  She had laryngitis.  Not sure if it was from her being out in the elements during the St Pat's celebrations or what....but we both knew that when she presented for her first chemo that the decision to wait a week or so may be on the books.  I told her that I would not call...that if she wanted to talk to me or if Terry needed anything we would be available.  Otherwise, just let me know if they didn't start anything.

Late Monday afternoon we got a phone call from her.  She still had her laryngitis but she called to ask me a question about her medications for nausea...so I knew that she was underway,

I absolutely hate cancer.  There is nothing funny or cute about it.

Maybe I am a little jaded, but something that has been in the news as well as on fliers around the hospital have me a little perturbed.

I realize that there is a great importance in raising money to find cures for cancer.  I realize that efforts in the past twenty, thirty years are not only going to benefit my sister, but my patients.  In some small respect...they helped Mark. I know that some of the medications that Mark took (some of the same Debe is taking now) helped him fight off the effects of the cannons of chemo that they gave him.

We knew from the beginning that there was little to offer Mark.  He had an orphan cancer...too rare for specific research at the level that other cancers have.  Too little information, too few people actually living five years after being diagnosed.

Perhaps we should have donated more of his benefit money towards the little amount of research that is there for DSRCT.  Mostly, it is in the form of general sarcoma research, and even then DSRCT is given little consideration.  Just too few people, too few grants....no money to be made even if they did find a cure for it.  I am a realist. 

We did donate a portion of the money to the Livestrong Foundation. Mark's death certificate lists the cause of his death as testicular cancer, which is actually wrong.  The person who signed Mark's certificate never examined him, never knew what was really killing him.  Just a formality done through hospice.  That was his initial diagnosis...the one we had wished we could have kept.  The truth was, he had something that had no treatment.  Yet, we as a family, believe that Mark's understanding of self exams was probably the one thing that allowed us to have him a couple of years longer than we did.

Every October I am bothered.  It is Mark's birthday month and everything is pink.  I wish that there was a month where everything was yellow so that the awareness of testicular cancer was just as prominent as it is for breast cancer.  Don't get me wrong.....I think it is marvelous that there is such a strong support for breast cancer awareness...just wish it were the same for testicular cancer.  The advances made in breast cancer research have benefited all cancers...so much of it is overlaps.  The marketing of breast cancer research is fabulous.  They found a way to make awareness without being cute or funny about it.

I can't say the same thing for other cancer research.

I suppose it doesn't really matter in the long run.....any way to get people aware of a particular cancer should be the final goal.  Anyway to get people to participate, to donate, to be aware.

Yet, the Undy 5000....just plain bothers me.

The Undy 5000 is an event that is to allow for the awareness of colorectal cancer.  It is called a "brief run" to fight colon cancer.  Yes, people run in their underwear to "make people think about their bottoms". 

OK, I get it.  I know that colorectal cancer is not the most glamorous of topics.  It is not one that would be the topic of conversation at the dinner table or sitting around with friends...unless of course, they could be talking about people running around in their underwear.

I just don't like that it is cute or funny.

Most people don't know what Mark was truly facing that last May. The largest of Mark's tumors was circling his lower bowel and invading his colon.  Most don't know that the surgery he was to have would have left him with a colostomy.  He didn't like talking about it.  He was worried about it and hung on to the possibility that someday he could be reconnected.  He was scheduled to have the surgery the day after Memorial Day.  We went to see the the surgeon the beginning of May.  The day Mark entered the hospital the last time, was the day before his visit to the enterostomal therapist.  They were going to draw on his abdomen the spot where the colostomy would be.  The appointment was postponed to later in the week.  That Thursday or Friday, the surgeon came to Mark's room.

Butch was there when the surgeon told Mark that they just couldn't do the surgery yet.  His GI tract had totally stopped and was essentially paralyzed.  They would have to wait to see if chemo would help.

I imagine, in some respects, Mark was relieved.  He knew deep down what the doctor meant...that he probably would never be able to have the surgery.  Mark didn't want the surgery but was willing to go through with it if were to keep him alive.  I know, in my heart, it was at that moment when Mark decided to put a stop to everything.

I find nothing cute or funny about any of it.

I don't like the idea of turning something so horrible into something with a cute or funny twist to it.  I have done a lot of thinking, trying to imagine what Mark's take would be on all of this and decided he would have thought it was funny.  He liked to make jokes about the testicular cancer aspect of it, and perhaps he would have been all for people running in their underwear to raise awareness.  It is his mom that just wouldn't find it funny.

Despite that I don't like the marketing aspect of it all....I am donating this month's Mark DeWalle Benefit Fund money to my coworkers who are participating in this event.  It isn't much....just $50.  I have to be careful how this money is spent but maybe others who are reading this will want to contribute as well and help my floor's team reach their $500 goal.  You can reach the team website at http://support.ccalliance.org/site/TR/5K/UndyNEW?team_id=7310&pg=team&fr_id=1210.
 
Maybe they will find a cure so another mother doesn't sit up nights wondering how she is going to explain to her son why he has to have this surgery.

My mother and my sister-in-law, Mary and myself had an absolutely wonderful time on our trip.  One would think that three women living in one small room for five or six days would have problems.  Not once did we ever get into each other's way nor in each other's hair.  Talk about perfect travel companions.

Mary is a special lady.  I recall one day three years ago when I needed to go to the doctor.  I had been cancelling appointments because I never seemed to be able to go and leave Mark.  I knew that my doctor would see me right away because she knew what I was dealing with at home.   Mark felt that he would be ok alone, but it was one of his "off" days.  He wasn't doing well and I just didn't know what to do.  He was particular about who "watched" him.  Some days he would want be OK with one person....other times not.  I suggested one or two people, and then he said "See if Aunt Mary can come over."  I called Mary and within twenty minutes she was here with her book.  She knew that Mark wasn't in the mood for conversation but was here if he needed anything.

One special thing that happened on the trip was that finally one of Mark's golf balls is forever in Jamaica.  He wanted to go there so bad when he was first diagnosed.  My mother and Mary buried one of his golf balls at the beach in Ocho Rios.  I know there are special memorial sites in various places throughout the world.  A patient of mine took one of Mark's bracelets and buried it in India.  There are bracelets left at the bottom of the sea by his cousins in Cabo.  There is one buried in the Hawaiian beach by the young man I met at Disney World.  There is the one Don and me buried in Aruba.  Frankie is going to take one and bury it in Iraq next week.  And then, the special one Don buried just one month after Mark died at the beach of Paradise Island near Atlantis.  I think it is a very neat thing to do....and I love thinking of all the different places Mark's bracelets and golf balls have left.

I missed having Don on the cruise.  He would have loved the day/night when the seas were so rough that the cruise ship cancelled all the entertainment and closed the pool deck.  The waves were unbelieveable and one couldn't walk down the halls straight.  I was glad we had a balcony.  We sat out there a lot and never got motion sickness.  We were rocked to sleep that night..quite literally.

It is against the law...not sure whose law but some maritime law....to discard anything off the ship.  ANYTHING...paper, food, cigarette ashes....anything.  I broke it, though.  I took off the leukemia awareness charm I have been wearing since Christmas.  Debe gave it to me.  She starts chemo this Monday.  Something told me that the best thing to do was to toss that charm as far as I could into the sea.  I told her that she can go ahead with the chemo plans if she wants, but I am sure she doesn't need it since I tossed her leukemia away.

Do, please, think of Debe in the next coming weeks.  She seems, so Debe like, to have everything worked out.  It is, however, the one obstable facing our family right now.  From this point on, I am on total Debe alert.  Whatever, whenever she needs something.....she's got it.  I know a lot of Mark's friends got to know Debe pretty well.  I know she is thinking of Mark a lot through all of this.  I know he is there with her.

I received a copy of the Bereaved Parents newsletter and there was an article in it about how important it is to hear out loud the name of the child that a parent has lost.  I know that Don and me mention Mark everyday.  We make sure that he is still here with us.  Yet,nothing helps us more than when we realize that his friends still think about him.

Frankie came home for two weeks from Iraq.  He brought Don and John head scarves/turbans...not sure what they are really called.  John was thrilled to have something like this for his class.  He brought also a certificate and an American flag.  The flag was flown on a military mission "In Memory of Mark David DeWalle."  Such a neat thing.  We put it in our Mark cabinet.

Saturday I ran around all day doing errands.  We had a special event happening on Sunday and there were some things that I needed to get done.  I stopped by John and Tabby's and "kidnapped" Michael and Danny.  They decided to go out to dinner, and I suggested I take the boys.  They were going to give me time to finish a few more errands, then bring us Joey.  When I got home with Danny and Michael, there was a tall, handsome guy standing in our kitchen talking to Joey and Don.

I was so happy to see Tom Kaesberg.  I was really happy that the boys were there because I think it is important for them to meet Uncle Mark's friends.  I told them that this was a very good friend of Uncle Mark's and that they had played football together.  I told Tom how much Danny was like Mark.  He said to Danny, "That is a very good thing to be....to be like your Uncle Mark"....or words to that effect.

It meant a lot to Don and me that Tom came by.  It meant a lot to the boys that they got to meet another of Mark's friends.  Danny told me after Tom left that Tom had said he was "good".  Tom said he would continue to keep in touch and come by.....and he always seems to do that.

I also got a nice letter from Mandy while I was gone but still haven't found the time to write her back.  I know she checks in here.....don't give up on me....I will get back to you this week.

I work tomorrow and am ready to go back.  I work just one day, then off for two so hopefully I will be able to contact Mandy during those two days.  Don and me spent some time in the backyard this afternoon, clearing off vines and just starting the preliminary work of getting the back yard and Mark's garden going. 

Yesterday was a very special day for our family.  Michael and John were baptized.  It is something that Michael decided he wanted to do and I have never met a little boy so excited and so happy to have Jesus in his heart.  I could describe the whole event here but I just lack the ability to do so.  Just leave it that the whole thing had two grandmas, two grandpas, one great grandmother and a very proud mama all in tears.  It was simply beautiful.

I work tomorrow and still have not unpacked my suitcase completely.  Maybe, I should just leave it so it is ready when I have the time and money to go again.  I know Don and me will go somewhere in October. 

Until then, I will spend my time thinking about getting Mark's garden going.....and always, always wishing he were here.