I can tell the holidays have started.  Not because Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Not because I braved Black Friday Thursday evening with John and Tabby.....but because the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Award has been presented.

I supposed everyone has something that makes them feel it is the Christmas season.  For me, since 2007 and forever afterwards, it is when a football Panther is selected to receive Mark's award.

It actually isn't Mark's award...it belongs to the player receiving it.  I try hard to remember that and realize at this point, the players who are eligible for it, never even knew Mark.  They have only heard stories, or perhaps one or two can pick him out of that huge picture of the '99 State Champs in Mehlville's hallway.

As Mark's mom, and being one of very few people present when the decision to have an award was discussed with Mark, I can't help but call it "Mark's award."

I actually toyed with the idea of going this year.  There are several reasons why I didn't.....but perhaps the main one was the notion that we as a family should stand back a little.  John was not going to present it this year because he felt he didn't know all of the players on Varsity that well and could not make an accurate, fair decision on who should receive the award.  We knew, any of the varsity coaches would make the presentation special.  Each knew Mark.  Mark cared deeply about all of them.

The first year, 2007, Don and me attended.  We were in tears as John gave his speech.  It did not go unnoticed that the coaches were also in tears.  Never should have this award anyway.  Mark should just be here.

I felt it was right that we were there that year despite something that did happen....something I never mentioned.

Shortly before the State Game of 2007 a message was placed in the guestbook.  I just looked to see if it was still there.  If it had been, it has "fallen off" as there are only so many guestbook posts saved.  I may have it saved in my own files.  It doesn't matter.  It hurt.

Someone posted something to the extent that the DeWalle family wasn't what Mehlville football was all about.  How well I know that......we just "got it" and loved every minute.  It was what made our boys' teen years so exciting.  Don and me loved all of the players (and still do for that matter).

I had been posting how I could see Mark standing on the goal posts, watching the first football season from Heaven and throwing down any kind of help he could gather.  I wrote how it was magic that the Panthers were going to State for the third time in history and felt that Mark was there with them. 

Someone didn't like it.  I guess they missed that we had loved watching the team this season.  That we appreciated the diversion that they allowed us for these first difficult months.  I never diminished the fact that the 2007 team was talented, and a state game presence was well deserved.

It wasn't a short note that this non DeWalle fan had written.  I don't know if the intended to hurt my feelings.....Don never saw it and I don't know if John ever read it.  Mark's Aunt Deb was livid as well as his uncle and I tried to downplay it.  She or me may have actually deleted it. 

I thought it strange that this person was even reading what I was writing.  I thought it strange that they would take the time to write something that they knew a grieving parent was reading everyday.  If it was done to make me hurt more, they accomplished it. 

I thought about this note as we got ready to go to the banquet.  Don and me wanted to be there to see Mark's wishes come true.  We wanted to hear John talk publicly about his brother.  I know that parents and players knew we were there. 

After Tyler was presented his award, his parents came to see Don and me.  They hugged us and I remember Tyler's mom had tears in her eyes.  They were so proud of Tyler.  I was glad that I was there to see it......thinking about that mean posting on the website the entire time.

The following year, I was scheduled to work.  As much as I wanted to be there, I knew that there wasn't any reason for me to be present.  John, I am sure, was able to do a wonderful job of presenting the award to David Rose.  The same for the following year when Brian Foppe received the award.

I don't think that either of those years I would have emotionally been able to watch.  I thought I could do it this year......but then realized that no, I wasn't ready. 

I didn't want to be there for the first time that the award was not presented by John.  I didn't want any of the coaches to feel that I needed to be there.  Andmost of all, I didn't want any parents to think that this award was all about Mark.....it truly is all about their son.

An award to celebrate the player who loved Panther football.

When we learned that Tyler Flachs was going to receive the award, I could only smile.  I know that he has been one of "those" players who understood the love, the desire, the life skills learned while playing Panther football......and that the choice could be no one else.

I thought about what was going on at the banquet all evening.  It was actually John's birthday and we went out to dinner.  My mother came home and spent the night with us.  We were home by 730pm....ample time to head up to Royale Orleans and sneak in the back room.

I as afraid I would start crying.  I was afraid someone would see me and wonder what the hell I was doing there.  Still hurting, I assume, from that ugly posting three years ago.  Next year, perhaps, I will work up the nerve to sneak in.

Last week, Tyler's mom sent me pictures.  I was so glad to have them.  I think over the next year I am going to have a perpetual plaque made.....one that keeps a record of all of the recipients.  I will have one made for the school....and one made for our living room.  A Christmas gift to myself.

I have spent a good deal of time this evening cleaning up this website.  Hopefully, it has all the bugs out of it now.  I especially like the page dedicated to the Mark DeWalle award.  I moved it to the top of the navigation column...above "Mark's Cancer".   Mark wanted to be known for this award and not for the cancer....should be one of the first that can be chosen.

Congratulations to Tyler....the DeWalle family is thrilled that you have been chosen.