It HAS been awhile since I have posted here.  I have had some long discussions with various family members and they have pointed out to me that there is still a lot to say, still a lot to share, still a lot for me to get down in some written word so that I can make it through another day.

Are we better?  Yes and no.  I still feel as though we are in a suspended animation mode...just making it through each day the best we can.  We are surrounded by Mark.  I still have his khaki golf shorts along with his Memphis sweatshirt, his "Shelly" shirt, and a couple of other pieces of clothing hanging in my closet.  I know he isn't coming back for them...but it gives me great comfort to see them there everyday.

I have been busy working on a project for my nephew, Nathan and his soon to be bride.  I am almost finished with it.  I have been spending a lot of my computer time on this project.  Instead of typing, I am spending long hours just thinking as I work.  I like this quiet activity because it allows me time to think.

It has been five years now since we went through that horror of Mark's illness.  A lot of things have changed over these past five years.  Friends and family have married, babies have been born, work has changed for Don.  Every single change...every single one...I wonder what Mark must be thinking about it all.  And when I am afraid, I know that someone is watching over me.

I can get through most days without crying now.  I finally realized several months ago that I needed to take a more positive look at what happened to our family.  I am trying to concentrate not on the "why me...why us"....but to realize that of all the souls that have every lived, all the souls living now and all the ones to come.....God chose me....simple little me....to be Mark's mom.  I am so blessed.

I don't know what I would do without having John here near us.  I can see Mark in him...and yet he is someone totally different.  John remains our voice of reason.  Nearly everything Don and I do we run past John.  Perhaps we do this because we need his support....but I think it probably is also because we know in our hearts that is the role he always has had.  Mark looked to him for validation.  Mark idolized him.

Last week when there was the frenzy over the Mega Millions Lottery.....I grinned as a wrote down the numbers for Don (he had of course fallen asleep).  I was reminded of a trick John played on Mark several years ago.  Mark just knew he was going to win the lottery....and was very distressed that he was going to be working at Tee Time when the numbers were drawn.  John told him that he would call him with the numbers.  Sure enough, around 9pm, John called Mark while Mark was working the go cart track at Tee Time.  I only wish I could have seen Mark's face as John read off the winning numbers....and Mark checked his ticket.  Every number John read to him was on Mark's ticket.  John didn't get the actual winning numbers...he just read numbers off a piece of paper that he had written Mark's lottery ticket numbers on.  For a few moments....Mark thought he was a winner.

For the past five years there has been a handmade cross at Mark's grave.  It appeared there after a visit from Mark's Uncle Mike.  The original one burned in a firecracker fire.....and it has been replaced once or twice.  Don and I thought it would be nice to have a more permanent, stronger cross.  We found one at a hobby center and took it to a welder to have it put on a stand we could put in the ground.  We had Daniel help paint it.  One Sunday afternoon, John and his boys, Don and me went to the cemetery to put Mark's picture, his new cross and some flowers on Mark's grave.   It is a tradition in our family to put pennies on his grave and we allowed the boys to take the  pennies that were there.  The boys cleaned the stone, and helped put the cross and flowers so that they looked just perfect.  Don then took Michael to show him his grandfather's grave...just twenty feet away.   John, Daniel and me stood there and admired how nice Mark's grave looked.

"What about the money?" Daniel asked.

I reached in my pocket and said I didn't have any with me.  John reached in his pocket and pulled out a quarter.

"Will a quarter do?" he asked Daniel.

"I guess so." was Daniel's reply.

John handed Daniel the quarter so Daniel could put it on Mark's stone.....and Daniel took it from John and promptly put it in his pocket!!!!   I asked Daniel if he thought Granny was going to pay him to "clean" Mark's grave and he nodded yes.  I told him that wasn't one of the jobs I was giving him to make money (he pulls weeds for me).....that anything to do with Uncle Mark's grave was to be from the heart....and he told me he agreed.

As we were driving off....Daniel said to me "I think Uncle Mark has the nicest grave in the cemetery."

I am sure Mark is pleased.....pleased that Daniel is so much like himself....and pleased that he has the nicest grave in the cemetery.

All of John's boys have some combination of Mark's name.  Michael's middle name is David, Daniel's middle name is Mark, and Joey's middle name is David-Mark.  All three are carbon copies of their Daddy....so much like John in looks, personality.....but all three have a sprinkling of Mark.

I know that one of Mark's biggest disappointments was that he knew he would not physically be here with the boys.  He had confided to me that they would "forget" who he was.....and I promised him that this would never  happen.  Even our little Joey knows who Uncle Mark is and will pick him out in pictures.  Joey knows that the grandfather clock Mark made in Coach Heyde's class will someday belong to him.  He can point out to anyone the metal plaque on the inside door of the clock that says "Mark DeWalle." Don and me decided that since Joey didn't get any time with Mark...then he gets Mark's "time".  He knows why Granny wears a dragonfly necklace.   Michael will share with me things that he has a vague memory of concerning Mark.  I think Michael, senses Granny's heartache better than anyone and always seems to know the right thing to say to me at the right time.

Perhaps one of the best signs that these boys have Mark in their heart and soul was an "essay" that was found by Tabitha.  Like a good mom, she was going through Daniel's bookbag and found a school paper...one that she immediately showed to John.  Early one morning, on the way home from work, Tabitha called me and suggested I stop by and read something Daniel had written.  I was so moved by what she showed me.  (go to the link  "Danny's Tribute".  I am not sure what hit me first....that Daniel was writing his middle name on his papers....or that he was writing about Mark.  How sad that a first grader writes that terrible word "cancer" (or in Daniel's spelling, canser).  I was left with thinking that most of Daniel's memory of Mark has to do with Mark's grave and the fact that he had died.  I took the paper home with me, and cried all the way home....because I knew that one of the fears Mark had...that his nephews wouldn't remember him...just really wasn't true.  The next time he came over, I got out the scrapbook that Mandy and Lisa had put together with all the wonderful notes Mark's friends had written.

I am not sure if Mark would be more pleased that Daniel was thinking about him.....or if it would be that Daniel was going to give him a hundred dollars!!!

Another Mark story that recently happened concerned Tabitha.  Several months ago, this busy mama spent a lot of time preparing for, studying for, attending classes and taking the exams required to be a real estate agent.  In one of her first open houses.....not one she had listed but one that she volunteered to do...she had a Mark experience.  The people still live in the house, but of course were not there during the open house.  She had a few people come through, then some down time.  She walked around wating for some more people, when she noticed a picture on the wall....not just any picture....but a picture of Mark.  What are the chances of that?   I told her it was Mark saying "Hi, Sis....you're on the right track and everything will be fine."  We eventually discovered the house was owned by a good friend of Mick and Jeff's...and of Mark's.  I remember Mike Gilb coming to the hospital several times when Mark was so sick...and Mark would just laugh and laugh.  Still, I know that Mark is around even when we don't expect him to be.

This past week, I had one more.  Michael has been taking piano lessons for over a year and is really starting to be very very good.   He often plays our piano when he is here and I love listening to him.  I noted that Tabitha had written on Facebook last week that the boys were playing music before school....Michael playing a new classical piece and Daniel playing guitar (I am sure Johnny Cash).  The boys were here Friday morning and I had just finished a12 hour shift and was going to bed to get ready for another.  I called out to Michael to play his new piano piece.....and shortly I heard a very very good rendition of a familiar melody that made me immediately get out of bed and run down the hall.

Fur Elise.....the only thing Mark could play on the piano.  The first Christmas I made efforts to find music boxes for several people who helped us during those months.....and each of them played Fur Elise.  It has been the ringtone on my phone since Mark died.  And now, Michael plays it for me.

I continue every waking minute of every day to find signs from Mark....and I think about him constantly.  I keep hoping to dream about him but I think I am too tired to dream when I go to bed.  In the mean time, I believe he continues to reach out to me through John and his family.

I suppose that one of the reasons I haven't written here is that this time of year I relive the days of five years ago.  Sometimes it is comforting to remember...but often it is so hard.  So many disappointments realized...but also some funny moments.

Easter is a day of rejuvenation for me.  I don't need any sunrise service....I know that the meaning of Easter is what allows me to look forward to Heaven...and to seeing Mark once again.  I know to cherish the son I have here now with me and the wonderful family he has created.  God has gifted me twice.

Today, on our porch...was an Easter surprise.  In it.....a beautiful stained glass dragonfly wind chime...and a bag of  Dove chocolates.  I immedialy tore open the card and was so pleased that Jenn Miller had remembered us....and also disappointed that we missed her.  Such a perfect gift from such a good person.  Five years and she still remembers.  And...Dove chocolates???  Dove.....a beautiful bird of peace and love....and the PERFECT thing for Don.  He absolutely loved it.  We have discussed a special place to put the chimes and are still debating....but they are going to be a reminder to me throughout the year about the meaning of Easter.  What a wonderful gift.

It has been awhile since I posted here....it felt good.  It was a good day...Easter Day....and I am blessed that we have family and friends to sustain us when we are low.