One more week and I go back to work. I am actually looking forward to it.  It will be an adjustment that I am glad to finally be making.  I have not set real high expectations of how I will feel and react when I get back to my co-workers.  I know in time, it will be ok.

  I put two more links on the navigation bar at left....was going to go into detail on this note but it would take too long so I just made a page for each.  One is a listing of all of the countries that have logged onto this website.  It is incredible.  I cannot believe that people still take time to look at this site.  I know that it has helped me out tremendously and have learned in the past week that it has helped others as well.

  The second link is Mehlville Football.  Anyone that knew Mark and the rest of our family knows what this football program means to us.  John's sophomore team plays their first game in Eureka on Thursday evening and I am hoping that I am able to attend.  Friday night is the first Varsity game at home...on the new field.  Special things happen in Jack Jordan Stadium and I look forward to seeing a lot of friends and family.  The Boosters called a couple of weeks ago and said that they wanted to put a page about Mark in the program book.  That was really a nice gesture.  I remember many many many summers that I would take two weeks off of work just to sell ads and try and get this program book together.  Perhaps to some it doesn't mean too much....to our family..and especially me....it means everything.  I hope that the Boosters don't sue me for putting on this webpage the tribute page that they are publishing.  Everything I believe is right...except there is a different picture than the one I have on the page.

   Tuesday evening we went to Blarney Stone.  We wanted Aunt Jean to eat at the finest and friendliest place in Mehlville so where else would we go?  It was a wonderful evening spent with Jean and some of Mark's friends.  Mark's Uncle Mike (he's a hell of a man) and his Aunt Mary were there.  Butch and Tim Watkins had called a couple of days ago and we were glad to see them again. We were glad that Juliet was able to come and share some Mark memories with us.  Then, the Bachelors came...Scott, Raj, and Gene.  It amazes me that if it hadn't been for Mark...some of these people may never have met.  They are all now friends.  Next time, I am going to try to keep count of how many times Mark's name is mentioned.

  John has been busy with his teaching, his coaching and his family.  We don't see him as much as we would like.  There never seems to be enough time in the day for him.  We were glad that he and Tabitha were able to come over for a short time Monday evening to see Aunt Jean.  I am not sure if we should pay our tree service to remove the stump in our back yard....Danny and Michael seem to think it is a fun thing to play on.  I don't see Tabitha or the boys like I used to since Michael started back to preschool.  I miss that.

  I do know that John is very pleased with the draft design Scott Pope has done for the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Medal.  We have not yet told Boosters that we plan on designing and paying for a custom medal to be given out every year.  Hopefully at the football game I will see someone that I can talk to.  Our family was so pleased that the Boosters and Coach Heyde planned to initiate this award.  Mark was special and unique....and we want the medal in his honor to be the same.  John felt that the only person who should design the medal was his good friend and Mark's old roommate, Scott.

  While Jean visited with her grade school friends today, I had a very special visitor.  James Stulce's mom, Carol, came to visit.  We shared our horror stories of our sons' illnesses, strangely very similar.  We shared our memories and our heartaches.  It was helpful to me to know that some of the things that I have felt...are probably natural and expected. She is an incredible lady and I am glad to have a new friend.....just wish we had started our friendship under a different storyline.

  I have also been in contact with a mom in Tulsa.  Her son, Kyle, has the same initial start of his journey that Mark had.  They are in that turmoil stage of being in the beginning and not knowing.  Nothing is worse than not knowing.  Through this website she contacted me...and I was able to help her connect with Chase Sullivan's family who also live outside of Tulsa.

  Things are settling in....but there are some concerns of family members I have.  I worry about John all of the time.  I know he will eventually have this all in place where it won't be so painful....but nothing is settled in a parent's heart or mind until their children are OK.  I also know that he is probably not thrilled to have ALL of my mom anxiety now totally directed at him.  I am trying not to be a bother to them at all.  But I still think about him all of the time.  John is probably what hurts me the most regarding losing Mark.  That is when I cry the most...when I look at pictures at John and Mark.  Mark may be my angel but Johnny will always be my heart.

  It has been so cool to have Jeannie here.  She is the older sister that I never had.  We are very close.  She and Don came up with a great scheme for next year and Don is real excited about it.  Let's just say it has something to do with garage sales and driving a U-Haul....Jean is a pro at one and Don is a pro at the other.

  Tomorrow the sun is going to shine again and it will be one more day to look for angels.  That, I have settled.

     In the past two weeks I have been in contact with two mothers...one whose son recently died of sarcoma....another whose son was just recently diagnosed with DSRCT.  We were connected with one another through this website.  It gives me some degree of comfort to know that what we experienced with Mark will not be wasted...perhaps it can be used to help us as well as others.  Pretty good use of nine bucks a month.  Cooler yet is how our angels in Heaven are connecting us with one another.....could be the Internet but I prefer to think that it is angels.
   Mark's Aunt Jean came to visit us from Oregon today.  It was also her birthday and we had some family over to have a surprize party for her.  It is the first birthday that I know that she has been home in St. Louis.  The surprize was on us though...her plane was delayed and visits with the other family members couldn't be as long as we had hoped.  I am glad Jean is here.  She immediately saw a difference in Don and could tell that he was doing better.
    Last night I was up all night trying to put my own video scrapbook together. I have a new program that I am trying to learn.  I also have tried to add music to this website but am still having trouble doing so...but I do have the songs picked out (maybe I will get it tonight..who knows.)  This morning I had Don watch the video.....and both of us cried.  We were so very lucky to have Mark as our son.
    John is back teaching at SCOPE and I went to see his classroom last week.  It is so nice and we are so proud of him.  Mark wanted John to go back to teaching and coaching so much and I know he is now content with the place where his brother is.  John is married to our wonderful Tabitha and is such a good daddy to Michael and Danny.  Things are good right now.  I know where both of our sons are and that they both are safe.
    We are looking forward to the kickoff of football season at Mehlville High School this week.  When I drove onto the campus the very first person I saw....was a young man in his football jersey #66.  I don't know who he is and I know he didn't know who the crazy woman was honking her horn at him.  He came over to the car when I called out to him....I told him that the number he was wearing had magic in it...and I would be watching him the entire season.  Still cannot believe that #66 was the first person I saw.  As I sat in the stands...my cell phone rang three different times...always "no known number" or something like that registered...and no one spoke on the other end...maybe Markie calling me??
   Everyday I try to find signs of Mark...not overly obsessed with it but do try to pause and look at things with a different perspective.  Finally trying to "take time to smell the flowers" as my mom told me in high school.  I suppose from here on out....I will attribute any coincidence, any strange happening that grabs my attention to Mark's intervention.  Maybe it is coincidences..maybe it is the Internet,.....but maybe it is just angels unaware.
   Don and I talk about Mark everyday.  We talk about John everyday.  When I was getting my hair cut last week...the hairdresser asked me how many kids I had....I immediately said two.  I am not going to say one and then say I lost one.  I have two.  One is my angel who lives five miles away and has a beautiful wife, two precious babies, and a job he truly enjoys.  The other is with us all of the time...and although we were unaware of it when he was here...he is now and always has been our angel.
   Donnie and I have also had discussions about when we see Markie again.  I know that someday one of us will go before the other....and the one that is left will be jealous of the other because they got to see Mark first.  We have a long time to wait for that, however, because it seems as though our angel is busy trying to connect us with people who need us...and who we need as well.
    So, this week I have several things to do.  Get ready to go back to work in a week, attend the football game at Mehlville on Friday evening, and look for the signs of angels.

  http://jamesstulce.blogspot.com  James Stulce was the young man who passed away this week from sarcoma.  Kelly called and gave me his mother's address.  I was still thinking about this young man and his legion of family and friends this morning and went out special to get a card to send to his family.  I know that many of the cards we have received are from people I do not know.  I know that many of the entries into Mark's guestbook are from people I do not know.  They are no longer strangers even though I would pass them on the street without recognizing them as what they truly are....angels.  If I cannot be anything else this week, then I would like to be an angel for this family. 
    You will see pictures of a handsome young man.  You will read wondeful entries that were written through tears by his friends.  It is all too familiar.
   So, instead of sending the card, I took a chance and called James' mom.  Carol sounds like a very strong woman who loved her son.  We talked briefly about our sons' illnesses...one very brief, and one relatively long.  We have much in common.  I am hoping that others who visit Mark's website will also visit the blogspot set up by James' friends.  I know what comfort messages have been for me.  I want the same comfort for this family.  The pretty card I bought at Hallmark today will just stay in my desk...it is not going to do the job.  I am asking others to do it for me by posting messages to James' family and friends. 
   Imagine what it would be like to be a real angel to a family.  Imagine what it would be like to be an angel to two families.  I think that would be very difficult to accomplish.  Yet, a person who I have never met called, offered her support and caring, has left messages on Mark's website, has taken the time to connect two grieving mothers...giving each of them comfort.  That's what everyone needs to do to honor Mark and James....acts of kindness.
   I am planning to attend this young man's funeral.  I don't know him, have never met his family or any of his friends.  I won't be a stranger there, however, because I bring with me my Markie and his legion of angels who have supported me.  I look forward in the next week or two of sharing a private conversation in person with James' mom.  Thank you,Kelly, for being an angel to not only our family, but James' as well.

   I just read the newly posted message on the guestbook from Kelly.  I don't know Kelly.  I don't know who the young man is that she is talking about (but..I am going to find out) but I feel the pain his family is enduring right now.  I remember in January when we were told Mark very possibly would not survive the week...exactly what happened to this family only unfortunately their son did not get extra time.  We are progressing well because we support each other, have an immense circle of friends surrounding us, have this website...but mostly because of Mark.
  In my heart I know that if Mark had gone to Heaven in January, I would not feel the peace that I had in June.  Those extra five months we learned more about Mark than we ever knew.  He told us how he felt, where he was going, and what he hoped for those he left behind.  The shock of being told you have cancer...with NO time to prepare yourself or others I know is very hard for this family.  For those of you who knew us in January and remember the pain and confusion....send your prayers to this family.  I know the young man is no longer confused or suffering..but his family must be.   I thank God everyday for the time we had with Mark.
   We are slowly talking less and less about Mark's death and more about how his physical absence is affecting us.  I miss his instant messages, his phone calls, his way of pushing my buttons and getting a kick out of it.  John has said he not only misses talking to him....but perhaps more being able to call him whenever he wanted to.  Don misses his hugs...right now that is all he can say without crying.  I only saw my husband cry twice..on the days that his parents died.  Since Mark's journey started three years ago, a week hardly ever goes by that I don't see tears in Don's eyes.
   Mark was not perfect.  He could be lazy and wasn't the perfect student.  He was also stubborn (as John outline in his eulogy) and at times critical.  But he was a good kid and a great son.  I say this because I know that when someone dies, especially when that person is young, that they can become sainted to a certain degree.  I know that as much as we loved him, we were all also aggravated by him.  Yet, several things have happened this week that I feel Mark's absence is turning into positive actions.
  The first was when we went to the Mehlville Football Booster meeting the other night.  We promised Mark that we would make a donation in his name to the football program.  Don and I had been active in the Booster Club for many years.  When we entered the cafeteria meeting place, it was the first time in over six years we had been to a meeting.  We were early.  We found Mark's handprint and signature on the wall in the cafeteria that is decorated by the class of 2001 (with Paul Dierker's right next to it).  We planned on being quiet visitors to the meeting, attending only to give Mark's donation.  We left with a very light heart.  Starting this year, a varsity football player will be awarded the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Medal.  Mark's story will be told year after year.  Mark will be known to future Panthers as a player that had courage, and took the skills he learned from his coaches and teammates to use for other battles after football.  We are just so pleased and honored.
   We gave over 300 cards detailing the importance and procedure for self testicular exams to the high school.  They will be made to every player as well as used in the health classes.  Coach Meyer teaches the health class and was very involved and supportive throughout Mark's illness. 
   FCA contacted us today and requested that John be their speaker at their kickoff banquet.  John came over the day after the booster meeting and explained that he was quiet at the meeting not because he didn't have anything to say...it is just that he can't say it out loud now.  Mark, like his brother, was awarded the Courageous Heart Medal for 1997 by FCA at the football camp.  Most know that he requested to have this medal placed on him less than 12 hours before he died.  The inscription "Strong to the Finish" is engraved on the back.  This is what is to be his epitath.  John told us tonight that he will be the speaker at this event.  There are all sorts of ways to minister, and perhaps this is Mark's.
  Following the Booster meeting...I had a strong need to talk to one of my boys.  I knew it was too late to call John and I was sure he was as emotionally spent following the meeting as were Don and I.  All it took was a phone call to Paul D.  So, at 930 at night I drive over to Paul's.  As I fixed him his lunch for the next day, I told him what had transpired at the meeting.  He was thrilled to hear about the award.  Then he said, "We are stronger, closer and better people since Mark died" or something to that effect.  I know that Mark's illness and death have made me a better person inside.  I know that every year there are going to be new people hearing about Mark when the football season starts.  I know that people are still reading this website to read my ramblings.
   As Mark's mom, I always thought he was special.  All moms think that of their kids.  I am just so happy that his specialness continues.
  

     Mae and I have had some heart to heart talks lately concerning how our families' lives have shared great moments as well as sad moments.  Mae and Ken had the greatest children.  I often said throughout the years that if my sons turned out even half as good as her kids...then I know I did a good job.  They were superior parents and superior people. With both families losing someone special within one month of each other....that is a magic that none of us will ever forget.  This will always be the summer of Mark and Ken.
    Losing someone...that was a topic Mae and I talked about recently.  I cannot imagine life without my Don and she can not imagine life without one of her kids.  Each of us is grieving on different levels but the hurt, the tears are still there.
    Last Thursday Don and I went to see the newly born Evan Gartner.  I knew when this baby was born that it would be another milestone for Don and I....the first baby born to one of Mark's inner circle of friends.  Scott has been a member of our family since he was really little....he even calls my mother "Grandma" (but then, who doesn't?) and Susie is very special to me.  She came to work with me on my division at Barnes for a little over a year.  The second day of Mark's wake was Scott and Susie's first wedding anniversary...exactly one year prior we were all celebrating, happy.  One year later this group of friends gathered for a very different reason.  Evan is beautiful and I kid Susie and Scott that he is a "used baby"...that Uncle Mark had already filled him with dreams and played with him before they ever saw Evan for themselves.  When I held Evan, I could feel Mark's love for his friend, Scott, and how much he would have been a part of Evan's life.  
   All of this made me realize I haven't lost Mark...I have just lost some of the milestones that he never had.  He never had any children of his own but he absolutely adored Michael and Danny.  He never got to buy the house he always wanted...but I know he would have been thrilled for Paul as well as Jenn and Andy with their new homes.  He was only in one wedding...Scott's....and I know there will be more weddings coming that if he were here...he would have been a part of.
  I haven't lost Mark.  I know if he were here he would not be hanging around home.  He would be over at his brother's house or out with his friends.  Although holding Evan made me cry, it also gave me a better understanding that life goes on...and he would want nothing more for his friends but to be able to enjoy the events he never did.
  Mark lived more in his 24 years than anyone I ever have known.  He accomplished what he wanted to.  He set goals for us, his brother, his sister in law and mostly for his nephews.  I will spend the rest of my life making sure that Michael and Daniel understand that their uncle loved them and knew they would be his only children.  They will carry on Mark's spirit. They have the spunk as well as having the best friend and mentor Mark ever had...his brother.
    I haven't lost Mark.  I think about him every hour of every day.  His friends have been so loving and supportive and have done exactly what he wanted them to do....they are getting on with their lives and they are happy. 
    I read Mark's myspace frequently.  I hope his friends continue to leave messages for him.   His brother/teammate Ura Clerk left one recently that no one is mourning his death..they are celebrating his life.  That one comment carried me through the weekend and made me realize that we haven't lost anything....we may have just gained a better understanding of ourselves, the importance of family, and the sanctity of friendship.
   I can't wait to see my beautiful son again.....but in the meantime I am going to relish every moment I have with my wonderful husband, son, daughter and grandsons.  I am going to make special notes of every one of his friends' accomplishments, weddings, children.  I am going to have an awful lot to tell him, but I want to be sure that the first thing he says to me is "Mom, you kept your promise.  You kept going without me.  You did a good job."  I am not going to let him down.

     I received three emails today...all concerning Mark.  One was from Mandy who I believe has made it her life goal to be sure I am ok....and even though I cry whenever I get one from her, I am so very happy that I do.  She seems to be able to sense when I need a pick me up.  Mark adored her and tried to keep some of the pain away from her.  Mandy was in boot camp (can you just picture HER in combat boots?) the first time Mark had cancer..and never told her what was going on.  I have no idea how he accomplished this...but nobody gave her any indication of the trials he was facing.  She came to town, called him to meet him for lunch, and was put into shock when she saw her pale, bald buddy.  Mandy was one of the first people to know that Mark was in trouble earlier this year.  We had given him a trip to Colorado Springs to visit her for Christmas.  He wanted so bad to be there when she got out of the Air Force to help her celebrate.  Instead, that night, he was receiving an emergency dose of chemo to help him....and Don, myself, Tabitha and John were informed that Markie may not survive the weekend.  All I had to say to Amanda and Lisa was "we need to get Mandy here."  The next day Mandy flew in from Colorado and spent the entire week with Mark.  She argued with doctors and nurses, went with Mark to his scans, and stayed the night when he was afraid of a procedure that was going to happen the next day.  She was Mark's cheerleader in high school...and throughout this entire ordeal of this year.  Now she is our entire family's cheerleader...and I know what she says and does comes from her very big heart.
  Another email came from Mark's Juliet.  I want Juliet to allow me to post what she wrote to me on the guestbook...so keep watching for it if she gives me the ok.  We think of Juliet everyday..especially Don when he goes to feed Sage.  And yes....Sage has been inside the house most of the week with all of the heat.  She has been very well behaved and when she comes in..immediately runs to sit on Mark's bed. It is so nice hearing from Juliet and we still are trying to get together for lunch.
  I looked on the web stats for this page and realize that very few people are probably reading this website anymore.  It is ok....I plan to still keep it going and it is very good therapy for me to journal everything here.  I really don't want to remember but then again I don't want to forget the way we feel during this time.  A day does not go by that I don't cry over Markie not being here.  Juliet told me that she finds herself not doing somethings because she knows that Mark would not approve...I am the same way.  I try to be a better person everyday.  I promised Mark we would be ok.....hardest promise I ever have made.  I am hoping that he feels I am doing my best. 
  So...if one day there are only 19 hits on this website...that means nothing more than there were 19 times during the day that others were thinking of Mark.  It doesn't matter.  I think of him every hour all day long.  I tell him goodnight before I go to sleep.  I beg for more dreams....I miss hearing his voice.  But we keep him close to us and realize that even though he is not here...we see him in his brother, his nephews and all that loved him.  It gives me some degree of peace.  I don't think I will ever stop being on the verge of tears because the pain of not having him here is so strong.  I cannot believe that this all has happened.  I don't want him to go away and if it means I read his myspace and facebook to see if anyone is sending him messages...or ironing that stupid orange shirt he knew irritated me so much...then I will continue to do it.
   I have been keeping myself busy....probably too busy.  I have been a little less grief stricken during the day...but at night...it still really hurts.  I think this is probably what forever feels like.

     I have been waiting now for almost two months for something to happen and it finally did.  I have been waiting to dream about Mark.  I know some of his friends have had dreams of him but I have not.  Every morning I wake up disappointed. Today, I woke up and realized that I had a dream...and Mark was in it.  I was at some kind of convention...lots of people and I saw Mark sitting at a bank of computers with five or six other people. I wasn't surprized to see him....and we talked briefly.  It was like nothing that happened this year has happened. I didn't recognize the people he was with and asked him about who those people were and he said..."They are really good people Mom." That was it. But he looked like the healthy Mark and was happy...and seemed dedicated/determined into whatever he was doing. 
   I am going to spend my day thinking about this...and enjoy the good feeling that came with it.

   Yesterday, Evan Gartner was born.  Scott and Susie seemed so happy, so pleased with the arrival of their little fellow.  Don and I were so glad that they included us in their "must call" list.  I thought of Mark a lot yesterday and how excited he was for his friends when they found out they were expecting.  It hardly seems like it was months ago that they showed him their ultrasound picture.  I can't wait to hold Evan...and have told Scott and Susie this baby has already been played with by his Uncle Mark.
    I was both distressed and happy to read the note posted this morning in the guestbook.  I did not know the young man who was taken from his family so tragically over the weekend.  My heart hurts for his parents.  I know they are going through a very difficult time....at least we had a chance to tell Markie goodbye.  I am happy only that people find this website a way to stay connected with one another.  Our Mehlville family...no matter what class someone was in...is extremely important to us.  Please say prayers for Kyle's family and also of his friends who were injured.  This type of thing happens way too often for Mehlville kids.  
   I am glad that this site has people still looking at it.  I haven't written in a couple of days because...some days were not easy..and some days are filled with activities.  I am so much healthier now and am glad I have had the extra time off before going back to work Sept 2nd.  I have been able to spend time with our babies, get some needed chores done around the house, and get my Mark settled into a special place into my mind where all of the pain, heartache and disappointments of the past couple of months are no longer the thing I feel the most.  I will never let go, never stop crying, never stop missing him.  But now, I can think about him, talk about him, with good feelings.  I will be ok...even though we cannot believe that he is not physically here.
   I know some of his friends who live far away are still troubled. I know that Nicki Horr missed out on the funeral entirely.  I know that Mandy does not get to experience first hand the memories that are plentiful around here...so when something does happen close to home for her,,,it hurts  I do hope Mandy is able to make it back here this fall.  She has already been here for when she could not hang out with Mark (his funeral).  We were not home when she stopped by before she left...I can't remember where we were...but inside I was partly glad we were not here....I do not think I would have handled it very well.  I am looking forward to her coming back home sometime. 
   Today i am taking the babies to the pool.  We have really enjoyed going to Indian Hills Swim Club this year and it has been a welcomed relief from the heat as well as the hurt of the summer.