Last night was a wonderful evening.  Not only was the weather great, but it was Friday night and time for Mehlville football.  Ok, so we didn't win...but we could have and we will next week.  Let Kirkwood think they are something right now.....we will be the one in post season play.

Don and I did something at the game we had never done...we sat way up on the hill for the first part of the game.  We had so much fun because Michael, Danny and Tabitha were there. We also were able to spend some time one on one with Eric Williams.  I got a picture of his tattoo....but won't load it until Monday.

Then a very special treat for us....our old boys were there.  Scott Pope and John had told me to expect them but I was so very happy to see Alex, Derrell, Wiley and Deonte.  They have all turned out well and it absolutely made my week.

I remember many years ago....and Mike loves to tease my sister about this...when Debe had a birthday party and only one little girl came.  Her birthday is in July and most people were gone on vacation.  I am excited that so many people are planning on stopping by the Stone next week for Mark's...it won't be a Debe birthday at all.

Off to Kansas City with Grandma Joyce!!!

     Today was a busy day.  I had to go to the doctor to get my medical release to work.  My boss called me yesterday and we both forgot this was needed so I have been working illegally for the past month.  I also had a meeting regarding Mark's medal for Mehlville Football and that is going well....just need a few corrections from Scott and we can get this ordered.
     Don came home and he was excited.  "Mark's signs are up!!"  So, we both got in the truck and drove to Kinswood (the outer service road of 270) and they look great.  I also noticed there is a lot of trash along the fence...so we will have to get out there and clean it up.
     This weekend Grandma Joyce and I are taking the train to Kansas City to attend an anniversary celebration of her father's church.  The event will actually take place in what used to be Turner High School...so I can see where Grandma Joyce went to school.
     I put a sign up at the Blarney Stone about Mark's birthday....check out "Mark's Birthday" link to see it and also the details regarding October 6th.  Tom is doing this up right for us...as usual.  Those of you who can't get to Columbia....watch the big game at the Blarney Stone....Tom says it will be on all the TVs there.
    Off to work.....hoping for a good night there...but the day went well so the signs are out that it should be a nice shift.

The 4:30pm Mass at St. Francis of Assisi on October 6th will be said for Mark.  I think in the earlier post I put 5pm....but it is 4:30.  They were kind enough to move someone else from this Mass so that we could have it for Mark.  Anyone and all is welcome. 

     Yesterday, Don, John, Uncle Mike and The Fool followed through with a promise made to Mark.  The four of them spent the afternoon playing in the Jonathan Hearst / Kevin Houska Memorial Scholarship Golf Tournament.
     This perhaps was the one golf outing Mark looked both forward to, and also wished he had never played in.  He looked forward to this tournament as a way of remembering and honoring his friends.  He also wished that the tournament never had a reason to take place.
     Mark had a very difficult time coping with the loss of Shelley, Jonathan and Kevin.  Because he and Shelley talked frequently about her journey....often sitting in the back of Desi Kirchhofer's class...he had Shelley's death in a place he could handle.  He didn't understand why this had happened, but in the years of his own struggle, recalled Shelley's strength when his own seemed to waning.  He visited Shelley's grave often...especially around Mother's Day because that is the weekend Shelley died.  When we set up this website....Shelley was the only page where Mark actually typed in what he wanted said.  No other pictures, no other notations were ever to be on Shelley's page...and she must always have her own page.  He thought of her as his own angel...which I am sure many of Shelley's friends regard her as.  It isn't a stretch of the imagination for me to believe that indeed, she was.
     Jonathan and Kevin's death hit Mark in a much different way.  Less than three months after Shelley died, Jonathan and Kevin were taken from us all.  Mark struggled with their death for a very long time.  Months after the tragedy, we sat late one night on our front porch while Mark talked about how he was angry, having trouble sleeping, and felt guilty that he could go out and do things and his friends were gone.  He agreed to talk to a counselor so at 1 in the morning I drove him to St. Anthony's Psychiatric evaluation clinic.  They talked to Mark for a long time.  He kept the cards of the people they suggested he go see.  He never did.  I don't think to the day he died, he ever reconciled their deaths to a place where he could accept what had happened.
     The Hearst and Houska families have helped us throughout Mark's illness.  They visited, attended fundraisers and provided support in ways only they could.  I hate that I have an unwanted, unnatural sisterhood with their moms, Gwen and Christine.  Yet, there are no other two ladies who I feel I can unload to and have total understanding.  I love them both.  I have the utmost admiration for them.  They have given me more than they will ever know.
     In Mark's final weeks, I asked Mark what golf club he used to hit the ball in the famous Pebble Beach picture.  "Mom, the driver, " he told me with a very "you are stupid" flavor to it. (I didn't have the heart or nerve to ask him which one was the driver!)  "Why do you want to know?"  I explained that I was going to take it and have it boxed frame and we would put it over the mantle...a trophy of sorts.  (These little bits of conversation helped direct us in speaking to Mark about his impending death....and helped him approach the subject with us). "What!!  You are going to break up a set!!!"  Not happy with the idea...so I don't even have to say I will never do this.  Then he added, "Those clubs have to be used every year.  EVERY year...make sure someone plays for me with my clubs in Kevin and Jonathan's tournament."  I told him ok....."No, Mom...this is important...promise me that someone will always play for me in their tournament."  Enough asked, enough said....promise made.
     I spent part of the afternoon attending the tournament, talking with Christine and Gwen.  I watched as Kevin and Jonathan's family and friends gathered again for the sole purpose of remembering and honoring them.  No one seemed to really care whether they won or not...the constant comment I heard was "This was so much fun."  Isn't that what friends are for?  Kevin and Jonathan, even five years after their death.....are still the catalysts for others havinag a good time.
     This entire event was to honor Kevin and Jonathan.  When Steve Hearst and John Houska both spoke they talked about how grateful they were to everyone who came to help them honor their sons.  I kept thinking...this event should never have to take place..those two men should not be up there having to thank anyone.  Then both of them talked about Mark...how the three boys were such good friends, how Mark played in this tournament every year, and how he was missed.  That is nothing but class....they did not have to mention Mark.  This was about Jonathan and Kevin.  Both Don and I were deeply touched.  Last year Mark played.....this year he was with his friends....friends that he missed so very much.
     I have in my Bible four mass cards...my dad's, my son's and Jonathan and Kevin's.  I took the mass cards Mark had kept in his car of his friends.  Whenever I look at them, I remember how special these two were to Mark.  I am reminded of the importance of family and the precious gifts of friendship.  Steve mentioned that the three of them were now together....and maybe it is best that we don't know what these three are up to.  I suppose  Shelley has her hands full keeping them all in line.
     So, yesterday, Don played in golf for one of the few times ever.  John took the precious time he has with his family to play in a game which has no defense, no offense.  Uncle Mike dropped a fishing expedition and The Fool arranged his busy schedule to keep a promise for Mark.  Uncle Mike and The Fool both wore golf shoes that were Mark's.  Don and John used Mark's clubs.  The four of them not only kept Mark's promise....but spent an afternoon remembering Mark...and how he loved his friends.

Mark would have been celebrating October 6th (its a Saturday) because he would have turned 25 that day.  Mark always loved his birthday...and wasn't particularly fond of John's.  This worked both ways....John wasn't fond of Mark's.  I remember after one of Mark's birthday parties when he was little.....the one when the clown came for those of you who were there....John was just, well, in a bad mood.  He told Grandma Joyce and me "Well, this isn't a very fun day."  I know he will say that it was Mark that said it on his....but he is wrong.  John said it.

We plan to have what could be a very difficult day...one where John won't repeat what he said about 17 years ago.  Don and I both feel that we want to do something special this one time for this one very special birthday.  We plan to have our own private remembrance early in the day.  We were hoping Mark's gravestone would be in...but I don't think it will be.  Don and I will probably have a mass said for Mark at St. Francis.  It will be a 5pm Mass and anyone that wants to join us, whether you are Catholic or not, please come.  From there we are going to the Blarney Stone.

I plan to have some food available around 6....I will talk to Tom this week about it.  Tom has said that we can use the back room.  I am hoping that everyone that has been so supportive of Mark and the rest of our family (if you are reading this...it means you) will plan to come by the Blarney Stone.  Leave your tears at home.  Don and I are grateful for 25 years of memories of our beautiful son and want to make this special.

I would like to get a rough estimate of how many will come.  Uncle Mike is going to have a special birthday cake there.  We keep going back...how big of a cake.  I am thinking like maybe 20 people.....he thinks much much more.  I want him to be right.  I want Mark's wish that his friends be happy and take care of one another be true.  Please plan to come by......it will mean so very much to us. 

I am aware that the Mizzou-Nebraska football game is that night.  If for some reason you have tickets and planned to go.........GO!  Mark would have.  But, for those of us who don't have tickets...Tom has about 3 million TVs at the Blarney Stone.  Enjoy the game, celebrate Mark, and I promise you a great evening.

Please email me or write a note in the guestbook if you think you will come.....I am hoping to meet people who knew about Mark but never met him or us as well as all of his friends.  Please spread the word.....can't wait to see everyone.

     Even though I haven't posted anything in a few days, there is not a time when several hours past that I am not thinking about Mark.  Over the weekend I came to the realization that the stories about Mark are not ever going to change.
     I probably am sounding like a broken record to many people.  I can find Mark in almost everything I do, every decision I make.  When I take time to embroider, I remember that I am annoying someone, somewhere.  When I go to church, or not go to church, it is based upon Mark.  And when I do go......I just sit in the pew and cry.
     Don had his 40th grade school reunion Saturday night.  He went to Our Lady of Sorrows and it amazes me that so many people have kept in touch with one another.  I don't think I could name one person I went to grade school with.  Although most of these people haven't seen each other but maybe once or twice...it was really something to watch as they greeted each other like they were just in school yesterday.  Even their teacher, Sister Patricia was there (Don swears he still has marks on his face from her slapping him!!). She was very kind, and made a special effort to tell me that she would pray for our family every day and that she was very touched/disturbed to hear about Mark.  She wanted to know how Don was really doing and for us to remember that markwas safe.  We spent a lot of time with some good people that we know through Mark...Don and Bev McAllister.  They are Tim McAllister's parents and Tim's dad and Don went to grade school together.  Great people.....and I was so glad to have Bev there to help me through this. It is hard to talk about what has happened to us to "new people" and the McAllisters were with us all the way through...typical of probably OLS people...but more so Mehlville Football people.
     I had suggested to Don that he go alone.  I had suggested to Don that maybe we were too late to go to Mass.  He vetoed everything.  I was so afraid of embarrassing him.  As we sat in the front of the church, I remembered walking down that long aisle to get married.  It is a beautiful church.  I remembered the marble floors, my sister Debe passing out.  I was doing pretty well and they are good memories.  But then the tears started falling....just as I was afraid of...and for the life of me I could not stop crying.  Here I was in the very place that Don and I started our marriage...and we were returning with others....remembering what had transpired over the years.  Our successes, our children.  Much celebration....but for us there was something left out.
    Bev was so kind and listened to my stories about Mark.  We laughed at the times Mark and Tim worked at Tee Time, remembered that wonderful state year.  We talked about Tim moving out.  When I went to work Sunday night a couple of things came up where I laughed about something Markie did or said to me.  Then it hit me......and I had to take a break from work and go outside and try to regroup.  Still haven't been able to totally settle things..although Tabitha once again helped me.
    I have realized that there will not be any new stories.  The things that I tell about Mark...the funny things, the frustrating things, the stories of his friends..are all that.....past stories.  There won't be any news.  There won't be any new job successes, graduations, girl friends, new cars.  It is all done.  And for the next 3o years or so....everyone has to endure my retelling of the same thing over and over.
    The babies offer a diversion, John's happiness with being back in teaching can be seen not only on his face...but also Tabitha's.  Things are good there.  Don is working, I am working and we both enjoy one another's company.  There are new stories to tell about Mark.  But, I am wanting new stories to tell about Mark....and there just won't be anymore.  Perhaps this has been the story all along....the point in the grieving process where you realize that it is all final...the last page has been read and there is no more to the story.  It's not what I want and I am having a very hard time with it right now.  I miss Mark so very much.....and miss the stories that came with every moment we had with him.  I know in time, the kindness friends have provided us with...will soon slowly go away.  People will soon tire of hearing our old stories about Mark.
     I have started writing my own book about Mark's journey and have shared it with John, Mark's aunt Deb, Aunt Jean, Mandy.  It really is so I can talk about Mark without possibly boring someone else.  I don't want to forget.  I even had a special cover printed so I can have my own bound version.  Both John and Mandy have offered their input and have provided me with information about the events of earlier this year.....gently offering corrections where I have blocked things out.  This is helpful....and takes up a lot of my "Mark time".  But still.....no new stories.
    It has helped that both John and Mandy have told me things I didn't know about Mark.  These are kind of "new stories".  I am hoping that at Mark's birthday party on October 6th that I hear new stories.  I know that when Mark's sign is put up on Kinswood...that this will also be a new story.   He has been gone now for over three months.  I didn't expect everything to be settled....but never really gave thought for the "no new stories" 
    I have kept these thoughts to myself over the past couple of days.  Today, our beautiful Tabitha came over and we sat on the veranda watching Danny run (Michael was of course inside drawing).  I told her how I was feeling...I feel that I can tell her anything.  Without missing a beat, Tabitha said "Mom, you don't KNOW what Mark is doing now.  He is having a wonderful time.  It's just like it was when he was in high school and you don't know what he is up to.  There are stories...you just don't know them."
    That's all I had to hear.
    

Ever since January I have been using Mark's PC.  He would get after me from time to time for "loading crap" on his hard drive.  Things for his website....my pictures.....my writings....new programs and of course, Slingo.  That drove him crazier than ever.

Well...the other night he did a number on me.  I went to put in the picture stick from Jean's trip to France and the drives for them had disappeared.  Tried to get them back...couldn't.....so I had to do a system recovery.  GONE were all those files that I had on there...most of them I had saved.  A few I had not.

I had started writing my own little book about the experiences of the past year.  As painful as they are, I worried that maybe someday I would not remember some of the magical things that did happen.  I am only into about a week's worth...30 something pages long.  Luckily, I had emailed it to John so I have been able to recover it.

I most distressed that I cannot load a program Debbie A. gave to me.  Really distressed.  I bought several books to teach me how to do the program...and now they are useless.  Even tried to get them on my PC downstairs...but no luck.  I think I hate computers.  At least for today.

I can just hear Mark telling me I told you so. 

    This past Sunday Don and I went to Kate and Drew's engagement party at the Brockmeyer's house.  Nothing like spending good times with old friends....and these are very special friends.  Like the Schnurbusch's, the Brockmeyers and DeWalles have not only shared some really happy times....but some really distressful ones as well.
    I knew about Kate before I even met her...through Mark.  I called her Kate or Katie...he called her Riley.  The only time I ever heard him call her Kate is when he would ask for his "Katie blanket"..a golf motif fleece blanket that she made for him.  I still have not been able to bring that blanket back out...I have it safely stored in his room.  
    Drew was one of the very first to surround Mark with support.  They have known each other since they were infants and at times would fight like cats and dogs.  I remember one snowy night in 2004 Drew showed up with a cookie dough blizzard.  It was just after one of Mark's tough chemo rounds and he was having a tough time.  I am not sure he ever spoke to Drew or even ate the blizzard.  I do know that Andrew (Drew) sat by his bed for almost two hours while Mark slept.  I recall apologizing to Drew and all he said was "he knows I am here."  And that he did...several times over the next 3 years Mark had commented on how his friend was there for him.  Drew immediately in January began helping Mark by staying with him late at the hospital...often sleeping in his work clothes and going to work in the morning.  He also designed bracelets and organized the Laughs on the Landing fundraiser.
    Kate and Drew are perfect fits...complementing each other very well.  I look forward to their wedding in October 2008 but I know I will feel then how I felt Sunday...that someone is missing.
    Last evening Kate sent me the following email and poem.  They are very special people.  With her permission I am placing it here so I have it.  Kate is very open with her thoughts and feelings and a very caring person.  She will make an excellent Brockmeyer.

    I forget that other people "read" my thoughts on this website.  I think it is good, though, because it keeps me honest with what I put in here.  I can see progress over the past three months.  I attribute much of that to the people who read this website and especially those that leave me messages on the guestbook.
    There were four more countries added to the list:  Botswana, Maldives, Mexico, Nigeria and Venezuela.  Reminds me when my Grandma Stella would say "Another country heard from!" when we Henderson kids would get into it when we were kids.  To me, it is totally amazing that people from all over the world have peeked in on us.  I can only guess that some of them are starting to face what all of us faced this past year.  I will never figure out how someone in Botswana stumbled upon us.
     I only know that when people peek in and read my ramblings, it gives me so much comfort. Many times I am writing all of this in the middle of the night when I am alone with my thoughts and thinking about my boys.  Because of that, I am so glad that the goodness of our friends who stopped by Kyle Lillard's caringbridge site have extended their kindnesses to him as well.
     Another benefit of being able to put down into words what I am feeling and what I believe is the wonderful affirmations I have received.  I keep every email sent to me regarding this site and many times go back and read them when I am down.  I really appreciate the friendships I have with all of my friends. 
     I wish I could share the beautiful email sent to me by my daughter, Tabby.  I won't though, because some things said between a mother-in-law and daughter should be quiet.  Just suffice it to say that she made me feel very good, very safe, and very assured that Mark is doing well.  It was very unfair that Tabitha only had a short time to get to know her brother-in-law, but I do know he loved her dearly.  I remember one occasion...actually two....he became VERY upset because he thought something was wrong with her...totally misunderstanding what was being said.  It took quite awhile to calm him down.  One evening during his last two weeks, Tabitha surprized him and stopped by--without John.  Even though he had company, his face literally lit up when she walked in.  I know that she has had her hands full with the babies, helping John sort out this mess, and trying to manage Don and I---all at the same time.  She lost something too...she not only lost her only brother-in-law, but also the time they should have had together.
     Work went fairly well...although I did have some experiences last week that at times left me a little unsettled.  There was one time Friday night that I was caring for a patient and there in the patient's room, tears started rolling.  Couldn't stop them for anything.  This patient was having many of the problems Markie had those last two days.  I finally just turned to the family and told them I was sorry, but many of the things I was doing I had just done for my son.  They were very understanding and I told them that I was fine....that there was no one that could take care of their loved one better than me.  I'd like to think that what I learned from Mark and caring for Mark, I can use to help others.  I understand.  I got the message.  It didn't come from another country...it came from Mark's room across the hall.

     If St. Peter gives a test on reciting specific Bible passages to get through the gates to Heaven.....I will be standing outside for a long time.....and Mark will still be there waiting to get in when I get there.  I don't think that is how it works, though.
    I have never been, in Mark's words, a "Bible Thumper."  I remember being in a panic in Sunday School in Downers Grove when we had to go up to the teacher and recite John 3:16.  I had no idea what that was.  Went to the teacher and said I didn't know...she said she would help.."For God so loved the world"...."Oh, THAT one!"  I knew it...just couldn't tell you the passage number.  I am still like that.  I like to think I know what is in the Bible but couldn't tell you where.
   I knew that somewhere it had to say the angels were there.  And it does.
  Yesterday, I watered my pretty plant that my friends at work gave to me.  I looked at the balloon again and this time paid more attention to what was inscribed on it.  I don't think the person who was delegated to pick out the plant and balloon really knew exactly what the balloon said...I think they noticed the angels and chose that one.  Maybe not.
   "For he shall give His angels charge over you to keep you in all your ways", Psalm 91:11,  I think that verse, more than anything, describes our family's experiences over the past year.  It really expresses what I feel is in my heart....that Mark is where he needs to be now and the angels are making sure that he is still our Mark.  For me, going to work the other night for the first time, the angels helped me be back where I should be.  This verse, I will remember.  If St. Peter or my old Sunday School teacher come calling, I will be ready.  The angels have put me where I need to be.
    I know that several people have gone to my friend's website about her son, Kyle.  Shannon's son was just recently diagnosed with DSRCT and they finally were able to get an appointment to see someone in Houston to figure out a treatment plan for him.  I know that my brother, Mike, wrote a note typical of Mike...and it was so appreciated by Kyle.  It was no surprize either, that Lisa Tretter also wrote to Kyle and is keeping him in her prayers.
   Please keep Kyle in your thoughts...especially over the next week.  The angels are in charge and have put him where he needs to go.
  

   "

     I know that when I was off work three years ago Mark was pretty distressed about it.  He didn't like me around all of the time, especially when he knew it was because of him.  It was always "just WHEN are you going back to work?!"

    This time it was totally different. New Year's Day, when I came home from work about midnight, I knew that I wouldn't be at work for awhile.  It wasn't just the re-diagnosis, or how Mark looked.  It was what he said "Mom, you better call in and tell them that you won't be working for awhile. You are going to need to stay home."  Off handed way of saying Mom, I need you.

   Throughout the six and half months that followed, I worked only three times.  Each time I drove home crying. On one occasion I committed myself in the early afternoon, and by late that evening he was having trouble with nausea and vomiting.  Whenever I would say "maybe I should go to work" he would just say "We'll see."

   We put Mark in control from the beginning...and that included our jobs as well. I knew I was putting my job at risk..one I had been at for 30 years.  But, Don and I were willing to give up everything for him.  I would not change one thing.....I am glad we made the decision to stay with Mark.  He never once suggested I go back to work.  Not until he totally took control at the end of May.  At that time he said, "Mom, it will be hard on you.  You have to promise me that you will go back to work and be happy.  John and the boys will need you."

   So, after taking some time off to recuperate from this year's events, i went back to work last night.  It was fine.  I was ready.  There were beautiful flowers and an angel balloon waiting for me.  I was looking forward to it as it was a goal for me....a certain normalcy.

   Mark would be proud.

The past few days have been filled with the memories of Friday evening. (Yes, I am really behind).  I wanted to post some pictures that were taken at the Mehville/Eureka game but was having problems with some software....thanks to Aunt Deb coming over late Monday night...I have it all together again.

Friday night was very special for a number of reasons.  We had told Mark that we were going to start going to the Mehlville games again.  He knew this would be good for us.  He was also very very thrilled that John was back to teaching and coaching Panthers.  To him, and the rest of us as well, there was nothing like Mehlville football.  It is more than just a game to us....we have some very dear friends and people who supported us throughout the years....but not as much as we have called on them this past year.

Oh, would Mark have loved that turf!!!!  He knew it was going in....and also knew of the special tribute Tom Luwdig wanted done.  John completed this tribute just as the goal post was being set.  It was a wonderful idea Tom had...and we will forever be watching that goal post whenever we attend Panther games.

At the dedication of the new field, Jack Jordan mentioned the Mehlville students who had tragically died in car accidents.  He then spoke about Mark, his triumphs on the field, and his battles off.  Remembering Mark tearfully telling our family, "I just don't want anyone to think I am a quitter," last May... he can now be assured that no one ever thought that way.  Mr. Jordan spoke of Mark's determination and courageous fight with cancer.  As a family, we held hands during the moment of silence for Mark and the other students.  It will be a treasured memory of mine.  Now, when I go to "The Jungle", I won't feel bad, lost, or left out.  My memories of watching my son grow from a little boy into a man on that field are safe and sound.  I need only look to the west end, and see the State Championship sign, and that goal post.

I have changed the navigation links at the left.  PLEASE CHECK OUT THE NEW LINK FOR MEHLVILLE FOOTBALL.....IT IS NEW.  I have also condensed Pictures and Fund Raisers into separate pages with links.  All of the pictures are still there...just shortened the navigational bar some.  See, I have been working.

Later today I return to my job at Barnes-Jewish Hospital.  I "practiced" the other day by going to work, seeing my friends, checking on my passwords and emptying my mailbox.  I don't think I will ever be able to thank my co-workers for the past eight months.  Many times they have worked short handed because of my absence...the entire time with understanding and love.

This week will have me trying to adjust my sleeping schedule and my time in general.  Don let me "play" on the computer all day long so I could get this site updated.  I will post something tomorrow about how my first night back went.  I am hoping that I can get to a couple of emails I want to send.....hang on girls, I will get there...just don't want to send them short.

There are several other things I have been doing.  One concerns a new friend of mine that I am hoping everyone will keep in their prayers.  Shannon contacted me last week from Tulsa through this website. Her son, Kyle, has the same cancer with the same presentation as Mark...something that is quite rare.  I will post more on Kyle's story this week...but in the meantime please leave a message on his website  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kylelillard.

Time to go to work.....