I have been thinking a lot about the holidays lately.  Not about everything that people do...shopping, decorating, the fun....but then everything as well.

Markie's birthday....at least during the day....was a test of what the holidays may be like for us.  We were so emotional during the day that I want to try and think of things that will make the holdiays easier for us.  Had we not had Mark's birthday party I really believe that October 6th would have been horrible.  Instead, thanks to his friends, our day was instead memorable and special.

In July, I spent a lot of time planning how I could meet my Thanksgiving work obligation and still have time with the family.  I figured it out, and on July 8th put it in the computerized scheduling.  Then, when I got to work last night, saw that the schedule was out.  Exactly as I had entered it in July.....only I had the wrong week for Thanksgiving.   I am off the needed days in November....John's birthday, our wedding anniversary.....but Thanksgiving I totally screwed up because I had the wrong week.

As of now, I am working two 12 hour nights before Thanksgiving, then nights on Thanksgiving.  I have only myself to blame....my bosses put in exactly what I had down.   I spent a good part of the night fretting and yes, once again crying.  I spoke with Megan this morning and she told me they will try to work something out.  The way it stands now.....I won't be awake at all during the Thanksgiving day.  I am not so distraught over me......I just don't want to leave Don alone all day.

Please say a prayer that something works out.  I am so upset with myself for this.

I have a patient that lost a 21 year old child over ten years ago.  I had shown him Mark's picture I carry on badge and asked him if his family did anything special.  He told me that the first year his daughter was gone they bought a small evergreen tree for their yard. Each year they decorate the tree.  I talked to Don about this and we think we might do the same thing.  We just have to find a place to put it.

I have received a couple of emails about Christopher.  I truly appreciate anything anyone sends...and am going to forward any I receive to Mike and Deb.  They read this website everyday so you can also post to them on the guestbook.  This site belongs to our entire family, including friends.  I particularly liked the one I received from Jeff.  It made me realize that our boys may have thought of Christopher as our angel....and as just one of the boys.  It made me laugh, smile, and realize that Grandpa just may have his hands full.  Forgive me, Jeff, if you had rather I not copy your email here....if you do.....let me know and I will remove it.

October Angels.

That is what Deb called them in a recent email to me. It hit home so much and made me feel very sad but very good at the same time.

Our family has not endured the loss of one child....we have two and Christopher was the first.  He was the first born child of Mike and Deb and the first real heartache our family felt.  We had Mark 24 years.  We didn't have Christopher for even 24 hours.

The major losses in our family have had an October ring to it.  Dad's birthday October 5th, Mark's October 5th, Christopher's October 23rd.  We lost Dad October 19th.  Then, to add to it, Jimmy Brockmeyer's birthday was October 19th.  Deb is right....October Angels.

I had many people ask me about Christopher after Mark's funeral.  People from work and several of Mark's friends.  Those that knew the Henderson and DeWalle boys were amazed that there was another.  Maybe others didn't know about Christopher....but our family has never forgotten.

Mark certainly never did.  A nurse at Barnes put a St. Christopher medal on Mark shortly before his ambulance ride home.  He never took it off.  The Sunday before he died when I helped Mark change clothes....I thought perhaps the medal may be irritating his skin.  I asked him if he wanted me to take it off and hang it up where he could see it. "No, it's fine. What kind of medal is this?" he said trying to read it. When I told him it was a St.Christopher's medal.....he told me to be sure to give it to Uncle Mike "later".  I knew what later meant....and so did he.  Less than an hour after Mark died...the St. Christopher medal was in Uncle Mike's hands.  Mark's last message to his Uncle was that even though he didn't know Christopher the way he knew and loved Jeff and Mick....it would be Christopher who he would team up with in Heaven.  Jeff even told Mark, "look for Christopher.  I think he might have red hair."

Deb's note to me reminded me that no matter how long of a time...or short of a time...someone is with us, the hurt is still the same.  We have missed years of soccer games, birthdays, funny stories, graduations with Christopher.  For me, his greatest gift to his aunt and uncle was being there when Mark finally went home to Heaven. 

Lois has told me that Jimmy's birthday this year was harder because of everything that went on with Mark.  It may be the same for our family and thinking about Christopher and Mike, Deb, Jeff and Mick.  The only difference is that not everyone outside of the family knew Christopher.

So, today, hug your children.  Remember how important everyone is in everyone's family....no matter their age, how long they have been here, or how long they are gone.  Please, too, remember Mike and Deb.....it is afterall, the day of their first born's birthday.

Happy Birthday, Christopher.  Make Mark take you out tonight.

I have spent the better part of the weekend sorting through things.  I have learned that Mark was really not that much of a pack rat.....his brother was.

Just days after Mark's funeral, Don and I took all of Mark's clothes, belongings, and put them in a room in our basement.  Mark had so many clothes.  When he came back from Memphis...too many things to just fit into one closet so we had his things in about every closet that we have here.  It was just too painful....opening up a closet and seeing his clothes hanging there.  Mark wanted John to decide where everything was to go.  There were a couple of items that Mark had specified..but not too many.  This weekend, we were able to consolidate everything.  Most of his personal belongings are still being stored in the room in the basement. By the time I sorted through John's books, it was amazing how much room there was.

I did this all this weekend because I want to have a garage sale this Saturday.  Many of the things we know Mark had no personal attachment to we will sell.  Everything made at the garage sale will be used to help pay for the Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart medals we are having specially made.  It not only gives us a reason to clean some things out,....but also to continue to do activities that will be a memorial to Mark.  I already put it on craigslist.  It will be a busy weekend....Friday night is the Mehlville football game against Oakville.

Some of the money we disbursed from Mark's fund is being used in a variety of ways...and helping others.  We started the fund for Kyle Lillard and now his fund has taken off quite well.  Kyle just had his second chemotherapy treatment and is doing well.  We also sent money to Chase Sullivan....Mark specifically wanted Chase to have some money to use for whatever he wanted.  I think Chase bought himself an Xbox...which I know would have pleased Mark.  A large amount of the money went to the cancer walk.  We also gave a donation to St. Francis of Assisi and to the Christian Fellowship Church, of which John and Tabitha are members.

I believe that the donation to Christian Fellowship Church will have the most impact.  The little church bought a really nice television so that they would be able to show videos during the Sunday School class.  John and Tabitha are teaching a class "Love and Respect" and it is wonderful.  Please consider attending one of the sessions at  10am on Sunday mornings.  Not only is it beneficial, but John and Tabitha have mentioned several times that it is because of Mark this class is able to be held.

Michael and Daniel went to the pumpkin patch on Saturday with his parents and Don and me.  They got to ride ponies, enjoy a hayride, play in the maze.  It was so much fun.  It was a very good weekend and I told John that Saturday was the BEST day we have had since Mark left.  I think he agreed.  It made me understand that new memories could still be made.

The holidays are quickly coming.  Halloween used to be such a big deal to me.  Michael is somewhat distressed that I have not decorated nor am I going to have a costume.  In the past years, I have dressed up with the babies.  It is just not in me this year.  I am somewhat concerned how we will handle the holidays.  I thought about this a lot last week and then I got a phone call that I know will help me.

Gwen Houska called and invited me to an evening with some other moms who have lost their kids.  Special moms....ladies that I remember Mark held in very high esteem.  I remember the first football game following Kevin's death.  Gwen showed up and I could tell that it was very difficult for her to be there.  I went up to her, hugged her, and reminded her that "this place" (the football stadium) was full of good memories.  I called Mark.  He was still at work at Golf Discount.  I told him Gwen was there.  He came to Mehlville shortly after and sat with me.  Gwen was sitting less than 30 feet away.  I told him where she was.....and after a long time, finally got up to go see her.  He had sat there with me for a good 15 minutes, trying to keep himself together.  He always loved Gwen and enjoyed the banter they always had about her daughter, Kelly.  He could not stand the fact that she was hurting and there was nothing he could do.  It was the first time I ever saw Mark visibly his admiration for someone.

This past spring while Mark and I were confined to his room here at home, I brought up on the Internet the news story about Christine Hearst participating in a MADD traffic stop.  Christine was interviewed and Mark made me play it over and over and over again.  "She is such a great mom to do that."  He made me look on other news sites to see if she was on there as well.  "Check CNN...I bet they have her on there."  He was so proud that she had found something to honor her son and maybe help others.

When Mark was first diagnosed with cancer, one of the first people I called that night was Doris Meilink.  I had never met Doris but knew Shelley.  Mark wanted me to call her.  "She will know what to do" Mark said.  Looking back, it probably was awful for Doris to get a phone call so late at night bringing up memories of Shelley's first days with cancer.  But, Doris was very gracious and asked that Mark call her and to meet with her.  Mark and Scott Gartner did go talk with Doris and she talked to Mark about different things he could do.  Mark thought an awful lot of Doris.

Mark had good rapport with all his friends' moms.  Yet, I always felt that he put these three ladies in a different class.  He had all three of them on a pedestal and saw them as very special women.  When I try to think of how I should be, how I should act, what I should do.....I think of them.  When Mark tearfully told me on Memorial Day that he wanted me to "be ok" and to go on after he was gone....I know he was t hinking of Gwen, Christine and Doris.  I have used them as my support and also my role models.  I only hope that Mark feels that I am doing what he thinks they would have done.

I have told these ladies that I never wanted to be in their group.  Both the Houska and Hearst families have been so supportive and so involved with us during this past year.  I look so forward to meeting with these moms, and other moms who have lost their kids.  I have looked into other support groups, bereavement groups.....but this group has the unique characteristic that our "lost kids" all knew each other very well and all loved each other very much.

With the holidays coming and apprehensions ensuing.......the Angel Moms will help me sort it all out.

I was so glad John posted a note on this blog.  I had given him the passwords, etc many weeks ago.  I learned so much from his note and both Don and I found some degree of comfort from it.  I know, like his brother, John is in a safe place.

Last week around 6am I was paged at work.  It said "your son is on the phone."  For a very brief, fleeting moment I thought to myself "which one?".  That one instant reminded me that it would always be John.

I too have found myself saying "It would have been Mark's 25th birthday" or slightly hesitating when asked by a patient how many children I have.  John is right....it WAS Mark's 25th birthday and we will continue to celebrate as a family Mark's birthdays as if he were here with us physically.  I am just going to continue to fool myself and think that Mark is in Memphis.

Many years ago I told my mother a couple of things.  One, that John would marry and have kids..and that Mark would find something he loved and move away from us forever.  John would always be right here in town...Mark would be in Hawaii or some paradise island.  I was right...Mark definetly is in paradise.

It has been very hard for Don and I not to take over John and Tabitha's world.  We have tried to stay back even though many weekends, evenings are unbelievably lonely.  We respect their privacy, their way of doing things, and their family time together.  Once the football season is over, we hope to see them more than we do now.  We know that any free time John may have belongs to Tabitha and the boys.  They are one happy little family.

I did learn a couple of things from John's note...one, that he IS doing OK.  Although there are many books written on grief...there is not one written on how to live without Mark.  He was special. John and Mark's relationship was unlike any other brother relationship I know.  John has no guidelines, no recipe to follow.  I think, because he has such a strong faith and support system, that he is handling this exceptionally well.  I do regret, however, that we only had two children.  Not that Mark could ever have been replaced...but the sibling loss is being handled solely by John and Tabitha.  No one else to share worrying about Mom or Dad or carrying out Mark's wishes. 

Mark immediately accepted Tabitha.  More than anything, I think he wanted to be accepted by her as well.  Things she did for him, emails they exchanged when he was in Memphis, told him that she also cared for him.  I will never forget the evening she had a girls' night out....during Mark's final two weeks, and she came over when several of Mark's friends were here.  He absolutely lit up...and it was the only time I sensed that he wanted others to leave.  Tabby stayed several nights with John by Mark's bedside.  I recall one night that John went into the other room and Tabby not only sat up all night with Mark, but tended to his needs as well.  I quietly asked Mark if he wanted me to do anything....this was in the midst of that dang nose tube and suction equipment....and he told me 'no, Tabby is here."  I, like others who have said, feel that Tabby was so shortchanged.  She did not get enough time with Mark.  I do hope. that she is aware that Mark thought she was perfect.

I have driven once or twice through the cemetery with the babies in the car.  Not knowing what John and Tabitha have told the boys, I simply told the babies that we were driving through a park.  We have never discussed it with John.  Sometimes it feels that is ALL we talk about...and other times I feel nothing has been discussed.  I will continue to tell the boys that it is a park.  Once Mark's headstone is there....I won't take the boys anymore.  Michael knows how to write Mark's name.  I will leave that to John and Tabitha.

So, I start another three night stretch of 12 hour nights.  Sleep, work, sleep, work...etc.  I feel a little more energized and somewhat calmer than I did over the weekend.  I know that all my boys are in a safe place.

For a long time I have been asked to write something on this website.  For a long time I did not know what to write.  I am still not sure. 

A week ago was Mark’s 25^th Birthday.  I have stopped myself many times when I have begun to say, “it would have been his 25^th”……..  it was his 25^th birthday.  I went to the cemetery three times that day.  I don’t really understand why either……I know he is in Heaven……but I was just drawn there.  The first time was early in the morning.  There was already some balloons from the night before.  I sat there for a while, and then I went and got a grave marker that said “Brother” and some flowers.  The third time I was there that day I was with my sons.  I have never told Michael or Danny that Uncle Mark was buried there.  I like that in their minds, Uncle Mark is where they send their balloons.   I tell them that we are just driving around and looking for deer (there are a lot of deer in Jefferson Barracks cemetery, and I do not think they know the difference).

As we pulled through the cemetery, I saw two cars by where Mark is.  I stopped and just watched.  I saw my grandma there with Kyle, and I saw my good friend (and Mark’s), Scott Pope.  I could see that grandma had begun to cry and Scott walked over to hug her.  I drove up and got out.  Grandma had made the comment, “it is just so hard today”.  Looking back, two things stick out in my mind.  The first one was that Scott Pope’s vehicle was in front of my grandma’s.  That meant that Scott had gone to remember my brother by himself.  He had not followed anyone.  He did not meet anyone there.  I know there are many people who miss my brother, but I especially appreciate the ones like Scott who genuinely miss him.

The other thing that sticks out is Grandma’s comment about it being hard.  Not having Mark here is very hard for me.  I think about him and miss him daily.  There are many things I miss…… but mainly just having my brother where I can see and talk to him.  I realize that Mark is in such a much better place, and it gives me some sense of solace to know that I will see him again someday.   I am not afraid of that day when it comes for me, because I know I will see him again.

I have realized that most of grieving is pure selfish.  Mark is better off, Mark is happy.  The most selfish part for me concerns my boys.  They will miss out on many things that I always thought they would have.  I wished they would have been able to get to know their Uncle Mark more……. Not just from pictures and memories.  I imagined them having lots of cousins like Mark and I have.  I guess I just imagined many things different. 

Mark is not, and will never be forgotten.  He is in Tabitha and my conversations daily.  Almost anywhere I go, I have a memory of my brother.  I see it most with my sons and how they play… and fight with each other.  They remind me so much of how mark and I were.   It seems that almost everyday that I go to practice, another memory that I thought I had forgotten, reappears.  His coaches still remember him and share stories.  He is even remembered by the teams he played against.  Coach Tom Beauchamp, at Lindbergh told me that he tells Mark’s story in his Health class.

I remember when we had our family meeting the first time we found out Mark had cancer.  I remember Debe saying that maybe because God knew Mark would get cancer and that was the reason that Mark was able to do so many great things and have so many great experiences at such a young age.  I remember not being happy at that comment at the time.  I did not like any justification of why my brother may die.  But now, I think she may have been right.

I think I am doing OK for the most part.  I have my moments.  Tabitha has been wonderful in putting my moments in perspective for me…… helping me to remember how much better Mark has it than we do.  I am so lucky to have her.    I know we all want to be happy..... and I am, but I do think it will be some time before I am completely happy.   I am lucky to have had Mark as my brother.   I couldn’t have asked for a better brother.  He will always be my brother, my hero, and my best man.

Don and I went to Mr. Marmon's funeral.  Butch  said...and we agreed...that he is done with public speaking this week.  He did a wonderful job eulogizing his father just as he had done for Markie.  The service was very nice and it was easy to tell that the Marmon family is a close knit group with many friends.

This has been a kind of down weekend.  Tried to clean the aquarium Saturday evening and it was catastrophic.  Luckily, I was able to pull the fish out and put them in another tank until everything settled.  Tonight, the aquarium looks perfect and everything is working perfectly.  That was the highlight of the last 24 hours. No visitors, no phone calls.  Just Don and me and I think the stress of the past week has been getting to us. 

I have no energy to do really anything.  I am glad that Deb put some of the birthday pictures on the Birthday website...otherwise probably wouldn't have anything there.  Just seems like the air has been sucked out of this week....like a vaccuum.

I am off work Monday and will probably spend most of the day catching up on bills and fixing dinner.  Then I work everynight until football on Friday.  I look forward to those Friday night games.  Not that there isn't a ton of stuff for me to do....just need to find some sort of motivation to do it.  I guess this is the plateau I have read about. 

Butch called me at work late last evening to inform us that his dad had just passed away.  Butch has been caring for his dad with his mom and sister for the past couple of weeks at home through hospice.

Anyone who had any contact with Mark or our family knows Butch.  It was Butch that pretty well kept us all together and provided us with so much support.  It was only a few weeks after Markie's death that Butch learned he would have to do this all over again with his dad.  Butch is a class act and I am sure many of his great attributes were a result of him being his dad's son.

Please remember Butch, his mom and his sister as well as the rest of the family over the next couple of days and weeks.  It is a very hard time for them. 

Funeral arrangements for Mr. Marmon are:
Mr. Russell Marmon
Chapel Hill Mortuary - Cedar Hill
6300 Highway 30
Cedar Hill, Missouri  63016
636-274-6300
Visitation Friday, 4-9pm
Funeral service from the funeral home, Saturday, October 13, 1pm

Butch wanted me to convey to all of Mark's family and the friends he grew to love through Mark of his dad's passing.  If you have any questions...please call me.  If you are unable to make it to any of the arrangements and want to send Butch a card or note...please email me @ Barba21885@aol.com and I will send you his phone number and address.

I will be glad when this year is over.

I wanted to put this by itself.

So many people felt they had to thank us for having this birthday party.  I thought that it was important to tell you all how this wasn't for you...we needed you on Mark's birthday.  Seeing his friends, his coaches.  Watching people laugh and have a good time.  Getting hugs....hearing how Mark was your friend.  Hearing about how you too, missed him.  That was what got us through yesterday.

On behalf of Don, John, Tabitha, Grandma, his aunts, uncles, cousins....thank you once again for coming and helping us.  You literally made a very hurtful day, happy.

Oh my, what a difference in how we are feeling today.  Yesterday was a very emotional day for us.  The tears wouldn't stop flowing for most of the day.  I could tell that it was particularly difficult for John.....by the time Don and I went to his pretty house at 2pm...he had been to the cemetery 3 different times that day.

I tried to keep telling myself it was just another day...but I don't lie very well even to myself.  I busied myself in the morning trying to get some things in order for our family birthday party.  It is a tradition that we wanted to start with Michael and Daniel.  Amazingly, once we were in the midst of the babies, Don and I felt so much better.

Michael specially designed the cake.  He wanted big angel wings on it and went with me to the bakery to order it.  I bought six balloons...four birthday, one pirate, one Elmo.  We told the boys the Elmo and pirate balloons were theirs..and the others they would send to Uncle Mark.  Danny wanted to send Elmo too, but his Daddy talked him into keeping it to play with for a couple of days.

We lit the candles and sang Happy Birthday.  Actually, Danny was singing Happy Birthday to Uncle Mark before we could even get the cake ready.  I thought I would make the cake special and different by having strawberry filling....Michael did not approve and we will not do that again.   The whole cake thing reminded me of Mark's birthday last year.  Mark wasn't here....he went to Ohio to play in a golf tournament with his Memphis friends.  When he came home, we kept trying to find a time to "do his birthday" when John was available, Mark's schedule allowed, and I was off of work.  Michael was very upset....he was quite angry with me that I didn't have a cake for Uncle Mark.   Mark loved it.  So...when Michael was upset with Mark's birthday cake this year...I was reminded how much Mark loved that Michael was worried about his birthday last year.  Mark''s last birthday memory was of his nephew, who he loved so much, fretting about his birthday cake.

Every birthday party needs presents.  Mark's always cost me a fortune.....and I want to remember that every year.  We also want the babies to feel some sort of excitement over Uncle Mark's birthday.  OK...I KNOW that it is bribery....but every year on Mark's birthday, Michael and Daniel and anyone else who comes into the picture, will always get presents in his place.  A pirate sticker book, a big shark, a fire truck, and toy tools.  They knew it was for Mark, they knew it was because Mark loved them.....I know because I asked them.  After presents, we went outside and the boys let the balloons go for Uncle Mark.  We watched as they disappeared....but remembered what Michael had said the day Mark died..."Just because you can't seem them, doesn't mean they aren't there"

We then went to Mass.  There is something about the quietness of church that I just cannot handle.  I knew that it would be emotional for me.  I know it isn't everything that is said, it is just the memories of Mark's christening, first communion...and funeral.  Yet, once mass is over....both Don and I feel at peace and feel somewhat renewed.  So many people came and joined us.  I appreciate those not familiar with our church.  I know they were there for Mark..and for us.  It meant so very very much.

Blarney Stone was next......what an absolute surprize that so many people were there.  I tried to make a  list and I am very sure I left someone off...but totaled up more than 100 people coming to this special birthday party.  I also know that there was a very large contingecy at Mizzou celebrating for him as well as some of his good friends who couldn't make it in.

The family really appreciated Mandy coming in with her Ben.  Don and I had a late lunch with them and was able to spend a little more time getting to know Ben before they went back to Colorado.

I am going to start posting some pictures under "Mark's Birthday".  I am so glad that Deb, Grandma, Susie and Kate were snapping pictures.  It gave me more time for hugs.

I love to hug Mark's friends because I know that he probably hugged most of the people there at one time or another...or wanted to.  Makes me feel like I am hugging him.  He loved his family...but there has never been a doubt that he loved his friends.

So while the high school kids were celebrating their Homecoming Dance at Mehlville......we were having our own little homecoming of sorts.  I know that Mark is home, he is happy....happy to be free from pain and happy that his family and friends are remembering him as he wanted to be remembered...as Mark.

I have been sitting here for awhile wanting to post a blog....more than anything I wanted this date to be displayed.  Too full of emotions, memories to make this entry even make sense.

We miss him so much today.

It has been an emotional week.  So much to do....and really nothing to do.  Mark loved his birthdays.  Don and I always tried to make John and Mark's birthdays special....wanting each to have a special day once a year that was really about them.  Sometimes they had birthday parties, sometimes they went somewhere special....but always it was their day.  I hope they woke up on the mornings of their birthdays thinking "This is MY day!!"  Maybe that is why it is a little hard for Don and I today.....Markie won't be waking up to think that.

The day Mark was born was the culmination of an extremely stressful week for us.  Don's mom, Sophie, had been ill since August and we had tried to make arrangements for care for her.  I spent several days before Markie was born filling out forms and desparately trying to get her placed in a rehab center.  Her sister, Irene, stayed with us the night before Mark was born....we were all exhausted from caring for Sophie.  One of our best friends, Mae Schnurbusch, had all of us up to her house for dinner.....and that was back in the day that all four Schnurbusch kids were still in school and still at home.  I looked forward to a week or so of rest before Mark was born....he wasn't due until the 18th.   I got about 7 hours of rest....and here comes Mark.  Typical....he didn't really care throughout his life if I slept or rested....when he was ready, I needed to be.  And for the next 24-25 years, he kept me on my toes.

He was an absolutely beautiful baby.  I know every parent thinks so....but our friends and family who remember Mark as an infant agree with me on this.  He had such a full head of hair that one of my nursing school classmates who was also his nursery nurse....trimmed his hair in the nursery.  Bonnie brought me Markie the day after he was born and said "Barb, you know this is illegal...but I cut his hair."  He still looked as though he were wearing a baby wig.   He never lost any of that hair...until chemo 2004.  I still have the hair Bonnie cut off.....along with the hair Lois cut off of him earlier this year.  I keep it in a locket I wear on special occasions.

Mark was born exactly eight and half hours after the end of my dad's birthday.  Dad loved to tell people how I had a repeat C-section the day AFTER his birthday when I could have easily had it on his birthday.  Grandpa always considered Mark his living birthday present.  When I went to place flowers on Dad's grave at Jefferson Barracks...I took Daniel with me.  We sang Happy Birthday to Grandpa.  I told Dad that I gave him back his birthday present that we had given him 25 years ago.

Yesterday Mandy came in from Colorado.  She came for Mark's birthday.  She brought along her beau, Ben....and all I can say is that Mark would have loved him.  Mandy met him the week after she returned from Mark's funeral.  I like to think that Mark picked him our for her....he wanted her happy.  Quite a guy to be so supportive of her at a very difficult time.  He is wonderful and I think that perhaps Mandy is quite possibly in a relationship with someone who just may be better looking than her....only kidding.

For the first time in at least a month, I cried myself to sleep last night.  Don and I are looking forward to today.....special family birthday party with our grandkids....a special Mass for Mark at 4:30....then joining family and friends at the Blarney Stone.

So today, I am going to run some errands to buy a couple of birthday presents, pick up a cake, get some balloons.  I am going to stop by Mark's grave for the millionth time this week.  It is still Mark's special day. 

Already there are messages on this board and his myspace....

Happy Birthday, Markie.

This past weekend Grandma Joyce and I took the train to Kansas City.  It was so much fun riding on the train...we really enjoyed it.  We went to Kansas City to attend the anniversary celebration of one of the churches that her father, Rev. Harry Colas, had been a pastor.  It was also the church my mom attended during her teen years.

The First Baptist Church of Turner was celebrating their 150th year.  They were established before Kansas was even a state.  I was proud of mom when she stood up and spoke to the congregation about how proud she was to be there, how proud she was of her father.  There were several people there who remembered mom as a little girl.  We spent the weekend with her childhood friend, Twyla.  Twyla has lived in Turner (outskirts of Kansas City, Kansas) ever since my grandfather brought her family to Turner.  Twyla's father was an expert carpenter and his services were needed to rebuild the church after a fire.  Grandpa had known of this man from a previous church, and also knew the man desparately needed a job. Sixty years later, Twyla still lives in this small community. 

Although I was a little girl, I remembered my grandpa preaching from the pulpit of several of his churches.  I thought about him as I listened to the young preacher who had recently been sent to this little church.  Pastor Steve gave the congregation an assignment....a survey of sorts to determine what their gifts / talents were.  I, of course, also thought about Mark.  I especially thought about him when the Pastor talked about everyone having their own unique gifts and purpose.

I am so pleased that so many people are planning to join us for Mark's birthday.  I am equally pleased and somewhat surprized at the number of his friends who have emailed me to say they were also going to attend the mass.

Now....I don't want to sound like a preacher myself but I am becoming more aware that perhaps God's plans for Mark were more than what might immediately come to mind.  With so many hits on this website, so many countries, I cannot believe it is strictly because someone wants to read my ramblings or find out what they can about DSRCT.  Instead, I like to believe that perhaps Mark has given some people more insight into what they believe.

A few of Mark's friends have shared with me that they have either started going to church...or think about going to church...since Mark's magic year.  I think for some, they have come to realize that there must be something more...has to be something more...than what we all experience here.

Mark and I had many many conversations regarding his beliefs.  I know that his friends, the Gunters, drove from Memphis that awful week in January to see Mark...and also to find out if he believed in Jesus.  Keon Raymond drove all evening and came to our house about midnight, the second night Mark was home from the hospital.  Keon, Mark and me talked for a bit in Mark's room.  Then, Keon asked me to leave...can you believe that!!!!  He had his Bible with him and he wanted to talk to Mark.  I went out on the veranda...when Keon came out, I could tell he had been crying.  He told me he wanted to be sure that Mark was a believer...and that was the reason he had driven from Nashville all evening.  He never saw Mark again, but I know the reason that these two were friends, teammates was all for this late evening drive and meeting.

The evening before Mark died, I said to him "Markie, I think the angels are coming soon."  He told me "They are....Mom...I've seen them...and they are REAL".  Those of you who knew Mark understand a couple of things without me elaborating...one, that Mark was alert, coherent and totally aware of everything until the moment he went to sleep.  Second, that it wasn't in Mark to lie to me at that point....just to make me feel ok.  John asked him if the angels were in the room at one point...he looked around and said "No, but they will be back".

All of this rambling is for a couple of reasons.  Mark told me many times "I am not a Bible thumper...but I don't have to be.  I believe in Jesus.  I talk to God on the golfcourse where it is the biggest church. I don't have to pray to get better....because eventually I will be all right.  I know where I am going."

Several weeks ago John told Mark's story as a speaker at the Fellowship of Christian Athletes.  I am sure if was very difficult for John to speak about his brother's magic time in front of so many people.  I think it is a way for Mark's story....not just about cancer...but about having faith and believing...to be told.  Mark was an unlikely preacher....yet his gifts of friendship, caring, compassion, athleticism, courage and THAT smile, brought many people into his camp.  He will be remembered for being "Strong to the Finish."  Perhaps for some, it will also be that these qualities not only helped him...but many of us close to him, realize there is something more powerful to who Mark was than we ever realized when he was here.  Maybe that is why he was here...that was his mission.