I really appreciate the postings made by Mary, Chris, Lindsay, Kay and Tracy.  Yes, have been in a little funk over the past couple of months.  Some of it I am sure is just the holidays...some from some trials that I am going through.  Having people take the time to let me know some things are OK,  sad feelings are normal, and that there is no rule book concerning our grief has been helpful.

I signed for another year here.

I know that my family rarely, if ever reads this....but I have learned that people who consider themselves friends of Mark's do...whether they were his friends while he was here or have become friends since he left.  I actually believe that these are the people that give me an outlet...not this website.

I miss Mark every single minute, of every single day.  I think about what he would think of the changes that have happened in his world since he died.  The friends that have married, the babies that have been born.  I spend almost every moment thinking about what he would think about certain things.

Perhaps for some, it isn't a "good" thing to do.  But I find immense pleasure in remembering every little moment of his life.  I love thinking how he may react to certain things.  I know very little of smart phones....but I am sure he would have been all over it.

Over the weekend, John got in our attic to help us clear some things out.  I found another bag of Mark's clothes.  I saved a few items, gave John the camouflage pants that he and Mark bought for paintballing....but donated the rest to Goodwill.

That is considered healthy by some....but for me it was difficult.  I am hoping that someone will find enjoyment in Mark's things.  It is just very hard to let go and continue on.

I know that there are some that feel Don and me are way overdue of putting Mark in a special place and not have him take up so much of our thoughts, our time.  But, when there is not much to do, not much energy to do anything....one resorts back to their memories to pass the time.

As a result, I have made some outwardly changes to ease those that may have issues with how Don and me feel.  I feel bad that perhaps I have made others uncomfortable with my dragonflies, etc. 

I limit myself now to only three Mark comments a day.  I try and keep track and I am sure there are days I say his name more than once.  But, I have made a concerted effort to reduce it.  This doesn't mean that I don't think about him constantly and the experiences we had with Mark.  I also don't count any of the times (and they are fairly frequent) that I make comments to Don.  I also don't count the times (not as frequent) that others make about Mark.....if they bring him up...that's a freebie to me.

Do I like this?  No. No. NO.  But I also don't like that some others may be uneasy over my "constant" Mark talk.  It makes me mad.....but they cannot take away my thoughts and if I want to sit quietly....then I am alone with my Mark thoughts and that is fine with me.

I bought a new Christmas tree Saturday and threw out my Heaven tree.  It was pretty sad looking...but I want to make efforts to de-Mark some things..and this was an easy way for me.  I didn't like the tree that much anyway.  It was a tree I bought very cheaply to get me through the first couple of Christmases.  I am still using the dragonfly ornaments....but it looks more like a Christmas tree now.

At least, I am trying outwardly.  Like I said...inwardly nothing changes.

It makes me feel sad that I feel others think it is time for me to move on.  It is something I just can't do and one of the reasons I don't post here often.  I can't move on.  I don't want to move on.  But maybe if I do little things to make it seem otherwise, people will think I have. 

They won't know the truth unless they read it here. 

For those who do read these things here....thank you for allowing me to continue.  As long as my fingers can type, I will continue to not only think about Mark, but put those thoughts down.

Others may feel it less, may think it less, maybe even forget.

I never will.

Another long boring day. Only thing different is that I will be working today, so the naps actually have a purpose today.

I appreciate the comments made on the guestbook page regarding whether or not to keep this website going.  I really appreciated the phone call from Mandy .... seems she always knows when to call and check on us.

Per the phone call with Mandy....who I was able to explain everything to....and the guestbook messages, I will at least try to keep it going for a while longer.  I need some time to sort my thoughts and Mandy is right....if I stop.....evil wins.


I am finding the coming holidays with me in a continuous low mood.  I have learned that time doesn't make it easier.....even harder because others don't want to be bothered, hear, remember, whatever of why one's holidays aren't the same.

Just wish I had reason to get excited about the holidays.  For the first time in a very long time, I will be awake and off work on Thanksgiving.  I put up my Thanksgiving decorations after Don did some searching in the attic and the garage for them.  I am doing what I can.....just wish the hoidays weren't coming.

At any rate, should have lots of time to post that day!!!!

I last posted on the 19th and had plans, notes for the next blog as there were things I wanted to say. 

All that really needs to be said is that I felt real bad that I had to work on the 19th.  I called my dear friend Lois...and wished her a happy day.  It was Jimmy's birthday and Lois and Jim spend every one of his birthdays making a big turkey dinner celebration.  I have gone a couple of times and usually try and schedule myself accordingly.  This year things just didn't work out workwise and I felt bad for her.  I know what that day means.  It also happens to be the same date that my dad died....and my dad loved little Jimmy Brockmeyer.  It makes it doubly special.


An angel mom never goes two minutes without thinking about the child.....true child or adult child...and the memories made during that persons childhood and football years and golf years....etc. etc.  Not one minute.

I have come to realize nearly everybody has put Mark in a place....to take out and remember on their own good time.  I suppose that it is some form of healing for them.  It will never happen for me.  Mark will never be put anywhere but in the forefront of my thoughts. 

I have come to realize that dragonflies for some are a nuisance of sorts.  I assure you I did not set out to find a symbol or some cutesy thing to collect in the name of Mark.  There is of course, a dragonfly story that started things out...but for me it has evolved into something more.  For one, they are in the shape of a cross..and remind me of Mark telling me he was a believer in Jesus Christ and what ever happened, he was going to Heaven and "win either way."

Secondly, so many people have come to associate dragonflies with me, with Mark...that when they see them, they are compelled to tell me about it.  It is my "hello" from him.  For those who are disturbed by this....all I can say is find something else to bother you. This is not going away.

The dragonflies always have been a source of comfort for me...not ever intended for anyone else.  I will still use them as certain signatures, as in my quilts.  There won't be anymore dragonfly nights, dragonfly birthday, wedding, Christmas cards.

There are very few dragonflies I have (and I have a lot!!) that I have bought myself.  The most beautiful one is the one hanging in my living room window that Don bought me for my birthday. Yes, he too sometimes make a face over my dragonflies.....and I finally told him last spring not to make any comments about dragonflies anymore...they make me happy.  I think he bought that for me because he finally understood the meaning it had for me.

 A very special one was drawn by a 5 year old boy who is very special to me....it has been hanging up in my sewing room for the past four years and will stay there until I can no longer see it. 

Most of the ones I have...have been given to me.  Three in my kitchen were given to me by three of my Angel Moms on three different occasions.  I suppose they wouldn't bring but a few pennies at an auction....but for me they are worth millions. When I am down (and if you haven't figured it out yet, that is where I am)...I look at those dragonflies from Gwen (too countless from her to mention), Christine and of course Lois...and know they are sending me hugs in the middle of the night.  Just as I never tire of their stories, they never tire of mine.  They are even all the more special because Mark knew all of their angels and they all were strong impacts on my life.

Don must have gone to the cemetery while I was asleep one day last week. I found in the back of my car the marker and cross from Mark's grave.  A couple of times a year we have to remove everything per cemetery rules.  Doesn't matter...for me he really isn't there.  He is always here or whever Don and me happen to be.  He has never left.

There was more, much more written here at this time.  I have deleted it.  I need to think long and hard whether or not to continue this website.  If I have to go back and edit my thoughts, perhaps I shouldn't be putting them here any longer. 

Will think about that for awhile and make a decision soon.